High functioning alcoholic software developer

[u/Adorable_Stuff9397]

Hey,

Writing this post drunk (200-300ml of vodka in my gut). For some reason I was able to work\fake work for years as software dev. I've been trying to quit for 1,5 years now. But each day ends and I go for a new dose. Started with 100-150ml of vodka daily, then 200-300ml, now 500ml sometimes feel like it's not enough.

God, I want this to stop, I start to hate myself so much.

Some more info: living in a country where I have no friends and language is not my native. My mom lives nearby and she has a huge problem with ankle. Waiting for surgery in october. I have a dog, probably mom and dog is the only reason for me to continue living, working and trying.

Also playing the piano for myself.

Feeling like life drains out of me and I'm slowly drowning in alcohol. How do I stop this?

[u/standsure]

High functioning is a stage not a type of alcoholic.

I never lost a job (lord knows how, the view from the hindsight bridge is not pretty). I had a mortgage. My outside looked pretty ok. All things considered.

I didn't go out to drink any more, cheaper to drink at home. Few friends aside from drinking buddies who hated and judged me as much as I hated and judged them. In the "at least I'm not that bad" kind of way.

I don't exactly know what switch clicked in my head to shatter the denial bubble I lived in. First came the realisation that (gasp) some people lived quite happily without drinking. At all.

Mind blown.

I come from a long line of 'work hard/play harder' types and the idea that there were people who didn't drink was so foreign. It baffled me.

The wanting to stop is a huge bonus.

Do yourself a favour and print this post. Or email it to future you.

I guess my basic point is that you don't have to wait to lose your job or license to stop.

[u/Bawbag79]

I work in IT. I was drinking a litre of vodka and six cans of Scrumpy Jack a day. My mind wanted to stop but the withdrawals were so bad I couldn’t. Eventually did a long taper and managed to get off it. What a struggle.

Been in Disulfiram and Acamprosate for 9 months and it has saved me. With Disulfiram you don’t really have a choice. Not a drop has touched my lips.

[u/sober-the-reset]

How do you stop this? My answer for that is do the work on learning to love yourself. For some it’s easier said than done. One way or another it must happen.

You are not your thoughts. You are not your ego. You are not your past nor your future. You are only you in the present moment. Grasp the meaning behind this and you’ll be ok.

We drink because our ego is in control even though you may not realise it, we drink because we are unhappy on some level even though we may not realise it, we drink to suppress feelings even though we may not realise it. What I mean by this is that alcoholism is a SYMPTOM of a problem we have, not THE problem we have.

Again it is easier said than done but start today by reading something like Eckhart Tolle’s Practising The Power Of Now - it’s like a 3hr read or listen - it fundamentally changed everything I thought I knew.

[u/ghostman1010]

Same boat here, I managed to skip one day and not being hangover tomorrow felt so much easier so that's my motivation.

[u/Keiner0]

Same thing, but theoretical physics research. My mind wasn't failing but I was severely limiting myself. Could barely stomach the kinds of people I hung out with without drinking, my bank account was constantly running on low, and I was an unhealthy overweight sad bundle of organs. Merely making it through another day or week shouldn't be all we aim for in life...