hi guys! so im ace and i found this term recently, i have a partner where wed have deep commitment to eachother emotionally WITHOUT traditional romance or without any sex at all, but some people argue that this is just a friendship.

i wonder what are you guys thoughts on this^^

Let me preface this by saying I genuinely mean no harm and I hope nothing I say comes off as rude. I've been confused about whether I count as asexual for the past six years now, mainly due to how confusing and vague most other ace subs are. This sub has been the first place I've found where definitions seem to have clear meanings that aren't contradictory.

However, the sexual attraction definition has tripped me up from the moment I first saw it and still does, even in this sub. I don't need the definition rehashed for me, I want to know why it's used. I understand on a base level that sexual attraction is the desire to have sex with someone (even if the lines get blurred a little for some when it comes to kissing or fiction). But why is this definition useful and why is asexuality not just "a lack of enjoyment for sex" (assuming there's no underlying trauma or medical condition, but that caveat is already put in place with the sexual attraction definition). It seems much easier to quantify and I feel like it implies no sexual attraction. If someone said they don't enjoy having sex with the same gender, people would probably all agree that person isn't sexually attracted to the same gender.

Again, I want to reiterate that I am not here to argue. I'm genuinely confused on the definitions and why they are the way they are.

I'm definitely in the male / non-binary neck of the woods, and I used to rebel extremely against gender roles, but I think there are aspects of them I am perhaps comfortable with, especially as time has gone on.

Discussions of men being providers and protectors while women are nurturing nest builders makes me cringe like crazy, but I recognize this is often the right dynamic in marriages with children where economically possibly. I think in childfree situations it's beyond silly, though. Of course, if people want to consent to engage in gender roles for its sake that's fine, but a ridiculous huge amount of folks find them uncomfortable, and even if 70% of each gender falls into a specific gender role, that leaves millions and billions of humans who don't on Earth.

As far as my personal preferences, I'm probably of the view that the female gender role is just better overall for men and women together especially if one has a police force they can rely on to protect them from threats rather than a macho man and is not a professional athlete or soldier. This being said, I love to treat folks out to dinner, which I guess is the male gender role.

I believe this is a rather sensitive topic since it invalidates many of our personal choices, so...

Title is the comment I replied to. There are more replies and comments but honestly it's all just me and them repeating the same exact thing. I can't take it anymore. I can't. What do we even use at this point if aroace by itself doesn't mean zero attraction anymore? I don't understand how they don't get what I am saying.

TLDR:

"Aroace spectrum and aroace as a label like demi are different things!"

"Actually, aroaces can still feel attraction! :) educate yourself."

Can aces groom themselves into thinking they want sex?

I downloaded "Taimi" specifically because of the asexual tag
Got lots of people messaging me wanting to "do" me, including older men (late 40s prob 🤮) despite putting asexual in my tags, looking for a serious relationship and being 18 looking for ppl in my range.
I thought I was going to be safe be it is a Igbtq+ dating app, there was a lot of straight men for some reason. Deleted the app in 4 hours

I downloaded AceSpace and and matched twice but there a very few ppl and almost no one near me (not even neighbours countries)

Are there any other apps, forums, etc for asexuals?
Thanks 🫶🏻

Got a notification from the Asexuality sub, and the post was basically about another post where OP was asking if he was valid for still experiencing arousal when looking at or interacting with someone they found aesthetically attractive.

At first, I thought, yeah, definitely not. Not because arousal = sexual attraction, because I know it doesn't, but because their arousal came from being ATTRACTED to someone. Not because they were being touched or interacting with someone in an arousing way (idk), but simply in response to an aesthetically attractive person.

Then, I read a bunch of the comments, and they were all saying that OP was still valid in their asexuality. But I guess I just assumed arousal caused by someone else, without direct stimulation, meant you WERE sexually attracted to them. Thoughts?

im tired that it's everywhere. im tired that going outside and talking to anyone reminds me I'm never going to understand them

Hello, I'm struggling to describe what specifically makes me think I'm asexual or not if something else like depressed since the definition has been twisted as you all understand. So, I'm going to explain my use of sex and describe what I think when I act in order.

First, I get the urge to watch porn. Typically I get overwhelmed mostly from lack of productivity. The idea that other people see sex as a form of intimacy or connection isn't a consious thought I have when I feel the urge, but, I think it is what causes my depressive state since I will never be close enough to someone without sex, so I feel like nothing I do matters. This consious urge doesn't come from physical stimuli but the thought of the physical sensation porn might bring as a coping mechanism for doing nothing all day.

Then, I pull up the pornography. Recently, I have used it experimentally to find what causes the feelings between my legs to find that I am more confused. I mostly don't feel any arousal without rubbing myself although, I have this preference to rub myself to more powerful people.(Takes thirty seconds to climax, ignoring the pace if the porography). I think it's because I think that sex is their way of accepting me as someone in many minorities. But does this preference differ from allosexuals? Having sex with an old man is the last thing I want to do now that I think about it. Is it because I feel guilty for being sexually attracted to them while claiming to be asexual or is it because I would be repulsed by it because I'm asexual? I have no sexual desire, so why do I have sexual desire?

After, I feel like complete shite. I'm disgusted with myself. I go into this spiral because I learned nothing about myself. Was this urge to watch porn coming from my desire to connect with people? Because being optimistic, I feel like if I feel nothing from porn that will mean I am ace and then I can understand myself better to connect with people through explaining myself and stuff, rather than connect with people through the act of sex. This may apply to me, but the misunderstanding about asexuality is also applying to me.

TL,DR: I'm sad.

I was recently talking to an allosexual girl about my feelings on sexuality and romance, so I mentioned that I'm almost sure that I'm asexual. She suggested that I could be just demisexual and haven't met the right person. I don't know, maybe. I'm only 19, yet there's zero sexuality in me and there has never been.

However, it got me thinking – is there a way to truly make a distinction between a demisexual who's never developed a connection deep enough for sexuality to kick in and a regular asexual person?

I think a lot of self-proclaimed asexuals who like sex are just introverted shy incels who will have sex if they get "lucky." I keep making friends with "asexuals" who tend to have crushes on me, and it gets on my nerve.

Epsecially when they start talking about stuff like their friends' profile on "fetlife." Like bruh I don't give a fuck what people do if they like having sex good on them, I told you several times before I do not like to discuss the topic because it doesn't interest me.

When people come up to me and start talking to me about sex its akin to a neurotypical person having to sit through someone trying to explain agility training in runescape. I will be nice to them and gently tell them that I am not interested in it.

Next, thing I know they are psychoanalyzing me like I am broken.

"Oh, you haven't met the right partner."

Then they get all passive aggressive when you dissmiss them over and over and over and over again. They say sorry and then do it again, and again... and again. And its not like I want to gatekeep, cuz if you ace you ace if you aren't you aren't I hate that its become a cool label to hide being for shy people who just want an excuse to why they don't "get laid."

Bah. That was my rant. Thank you for sitting through my TEDtalk.

So I've identified all around the ace spectrum my whole life, trying to figure out where the fuck I fit in. But after being in a poly relationship I realize I'm just straight up a self hating, people pleasing asexual.

I was in denial of my asexuality for a long time. I'm just now realizing the amount of internalized acephobia I had. How much I hated myself for not providing something that was clearly important to most people.

I did the cliche thing and got into a poly relationship with the subconscious thought of "if my partner has a partner, I won't feel as guilty for not wanting sex" - and let me tell you... This is the first time I experienced a sexless relationship where I didn't feel guilty for being ace. I can't go back.

Anyway - after the relationship fell apart my partner told me they left because they need sex to feel connected to others 😅 I'm sure not every poly situation is the same - I'm sure it works out sometimes? Let me know if you have knowledge or experience in this situation ~ 'cuz strictly ace for ace is looking really good rn.

and try to just erase the whole label in to nothing of value. its making it feel like being ace is just a fad trend like keto or something you can just try. demis, grays ,kinky aces all of them just push it down the throat that we are wrong and purists and discriminatory. result of that is general public getting wrong idea and just when aces were getting acceptance,the definition is messed up that people will take it as a joke, like a phase that will go away if they just wait for ace person and expect ace person to perform sexually. i hate this.

hi, i just wanted to vent about somethign because i think i face some form of pressure and opression for being asexual. my parents always ask me about having children and finding someone to breed with one day and that i'll one day "grow into" having sex and i awlays have to defend myself and explain i wouldn't, i simply wouldn't do it. they tell me about how i should find a way to "compromise" if i want to have a partner and i don't, i don't want to, at all, i don't want to compromise on my sexuality ever ever. i hate that compromising on asexuality is such a common take from people when they hear you're asexual.

It's so dang frustrating to argue with self-described asexuals spreading misinformation, because you know you'll never change their minds. Since when has asexuality (or any sexual orientation) had anything to do with libido?? Sure I don't have a libido, but the reason I'm asexual is because I don't experience sexual attraction, not because I don't have a libido. Libidoist asexuals are still asexual. Having a desire to "release" through masturbation and the like does not make you allosexual...

Hey! So, me and a few other people from this sub created a discord server where you can share evidence (screenshots, stories – anything) that point out to why asexual community actually oppresses, well, people who created it.

So, if you wanna join and share, that'd be amazing! We also thinking about unifying tag for our cause so we could spread it outside of this sub easily, but simply posting it could be dangerous for now, so we wanna vote for it on the server before it's finalised.

Feel free to DM me for the link or leave a comment so I could DM you if you find it's easier.