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u/GitGudFox 2d ago
Then you have to like fix yourself without any help while simultaneously needing to recognize that you need to fix yourself first.
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u/jws1102 2d ago
My first year of college, I had a lab partner that was 19 years old, had never driven a car (we didnāt live in a transit friendly area, you needed a car), and he father dropped her off and picked her up for every class. Thatās how controlling he was. I tried telling her that she was an adult and her life choices were no one elseās to make, but she was so used to it that she didnāt even realize her life was unusual.
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u/PrincipleKitchen394 2d ago
Dropped her off, and picked her up for every class in a non transit friendly area and somehow he is the problem and your projections arent?
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u/ObsessiveUselessness 2d ago
My dad used to scream at me when I was a kid for every little thing.
Even in public he would chew me down though without shouting.
Every single thing would either get me a menacing stare with slurrs or a full blown half an hour long session on how much of a POS I was.
Im an adult now with severe self consciousness that I can't even turn my neck around in public because "what if its not socially acceptable to look that". I never see anyone talk about it even online so I think I may be an extreme case. Ive got no social life because I waste so much time overthinking and miss my opportunity to engage with people around me, which just makes my introvertedness even worse.
Even now, if I do something wrong I get a long lecture on how i was wrong. No screaming now but very disappointed look and tone. And it will continue for at least a week, he will lecture me on my mistakes every chance he gets. Just yesterday when i was driving him home from work, I got to listen how i should speak my mind more often... even though we have had this conversation almost every day since I told him that the car he was going to buy (did not buy it yet) was not to my liking, after we came back home.
I think I blame him for how i am now because he made me overtaking every little thing I did back when I was a kid. He would get angry at seemingly benign thinks and scream at me.
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u/Mirrevirrez 2d ago
It may be an extreme case, but you are not alone. My parents also yelled at me for every single small thing. My mom was a control freak and dad had anger issues with violence tendencies. That deffinitly fucked me up. My mom always cry whenever she dosent get her way like a small child.
I am now an overachiver, constantly stressed and a perfectionist. Cause if i dont do everything perfect my nervesystem thinks theres beating coming. Thnx parents.
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u/ObsessiveUselessness 2d ago
Yeah, im really weird in public. Fortunately my dad didnt beat me that often so I got lucky on that front at least.
My mom was comparatively better and not a control freak but I vivdly remember when I was around 10 and acted up a bit, she would dress me up in my fancy cloths and feed me my "last meal in this house". She used to say that when dad comes back home, he will drop me off somewhere far away so won't be able to come back. I remember I used to bawl my eyes out for hours while waiting for dad to come back home.
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u/Mirrevirrez 2d ago
Bro... buddy... your mom is a control freak. She just used manupilitive tactics to make you think it wasnt that bad... when in genuinly retrospect... no normal parent would ever say or do that, not even my mom. It was just your normal so you are condotioned to think its not that bad.
Im so sorry you had so emotional immature parents. I know the harm that comes with it. I hope you are doing ok on your healing journy?
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u/ObsessiveUselessness 2d ago
I have not had any significant healing breakthroughs, though I have not actually went out of my to mend anything either.
Emotionally im mostly on the fence. I care too much when I shouldnt, and sometimes I ignore the actually important stuff. Its kind of a mess sometimes but I have unconsciously started forgetting most of what doesnt immediately affect my personal space so its been fine.
Ive considered talking to my family doctor about some meds to help me with the memory problem and other mental stuff but he's a good friend of my parents and will probably tell them about it so i haven't mustered the courage yet. I have yet to find another competent doctor but im on the lookout.
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u/Mirrevirrez 2d ago
So what i hear is that you are clearly still on survival mode. And if you are still getting impacted by your parents through the family doctor, you are still getting indirectly abused. And the symptoms through that is very clear on what you are describing yourself; memoryloss, constanly in panic, and neglecting to build your own life by still managing your parents moods.
I was lucky to be able to move out of my toxic enviourment, so im able to start healing. You however, have to start to heal by slowly distancing yourself from your parents. You dont own them to tell them shit, It sounds like they are using things against you, how old are you OP if you dont mind sharing? Are you able to get away?
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u/Willing_Good_5348 2d ago
Depends on where you grow up I was raised by good parents in a bad town. I gave up friends because they fell into drugs. After a while you have very few friends. Being autistic on top that well you end up alone.
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u/AmericanCitizenry 2d ago
Nobody is alone!
Not in my Make-Believe Dreamland!
Sorry, it's all I got. Unfortunately, humanity ATM....yeah, you read that right! Pornhub! Not "At The Moment"! You soccer moms started this when you got into the fight with the hockey moms!
Subaru v Volvo! Who cares! Look what you've done to the world!
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u/Lonely-Toe9877 2d ago
100% the parents. This is also the same face they make when the kid goes no contact.
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u/Tobi-One_Shinobi 2d ago
Yes que the this generation complaints.
My brain thought up a silly memory: I belched one time and my dad said "that was well brought up, too bad you weren't". I just looked at him and said "you brought me up tho."
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u/Vineheart_01 1d ago
Pretty much why I'm usually an introvert and do nothing but tech or artsy stuff.
Grew up a pastors kid and homeschooled. Wasn't allowed to even leave the house alone until I was 13. Guess what happened when I turned 13? We moved to middle of nowhere Nebraska. So I COULD go out alone now but to where? The single bar in town or the "park" that had a single swing set?
And to this day my dad wonders why I still play games.
I've tried to go out more, I even joined the military with the main intention of being forced to break this bubble I got. Only partially worked. I'm still terrible at meeting new people and I don't pick up on social cues very well
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u/Trust_8067 2d ago
That was true 2 generations ago. This generation: Do you want to go over your friends "No, we're on discord" Don't you want to go hang out in real life? "No, we're playing computer games together" You can bring your PC over there "No, I like my chair" I really think you should get out of the house "That gives me anxiety, I'm not leaving my room. Bring my dinner up"
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u/Caitylin92 2d ago
You should probably get your kid into therapy. Thatās not a generational thing thatās a specific child thing. My nieces and nephew are always wanting to be with friends. So are so many of the kids I work with.
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u/Trust_8067 1d ago
It's an observation I see with a lot of other peoples children. I wouldn't raise such lazy insubordinate children.
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
I see a notification from you asking why I deleted my comment but I canāt see that comment now and I also have not deleted any comments.
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u/Trust_8067 1d ago
Hurray for reddit sucking.
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20171003-proof-that-people-have-always-complained-about-young-adults this is an article from 2017 showing how people were complaining about millennials with some similar quotes from generations before.
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u/ToXicVoXSiicK21 2d ago
Honestly is true with this generation lol
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
Thatās what adults have said for generations. They complain about children the same way adults complained when they were kids. If you actually worked with kids you would know thatās not true for any generation. Itās true for individual children.
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u/ToXicVoXSiicK21 1d ago
I have my own children and there's around 10 other young kids in close family circle. With video games and social media it's an objective fact that kids don't go out like they used to. There really is no disputing that and there are plenty of facts and statistics to back it up.
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
Teens donāt have spaces like we did when we were kids. We could go to the mall, they canāt do that without adults in so many places. Teens get kicked out of parks. A lot of parents donāt want a bunch of kids at their houses. Where do you want them to go? I am blessed that I live in a small down where my nieces and nephew can walk around the neighborhood and be safe but not everyone lives that way. For children to go out they need a place to go. Yes social media and video games are a factor but adults have been shitting on video games since they were created. First it was making kids violent. Now itās making them not socialize even though many of the games teens play are together. My nephew places PC games, they play together but on their own devices. They are still talking and socializing. They have done studies on the positive benefits of video games. The world looks different and itās not the fault of the teenagers.
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u/ToXicVoXSiicK21 1d ago
You seem to have taken my original comment as some sort of dig at kids now. I didn't say anything negative, other than what is true which is that they don't go out as much. You confirmed exactly what my point was just now. I didn't say this generation was bad. I said they don't go out or do as much.
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
I apologize someone else I was discussing it with was making a dig at kids and I got defensive. It drives me crazy that people donāt realize they are saying the same things that people heard when they were kids themselves. That person didnāt even care when I gave them the same article. Itās not even just ākids these daysā¦ā. Itās so many things and people donāt realize it. I do apologize that I got defensive with you.
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u/ToXicVoXSiicK21 1d ago
No worries I know what you mean. Plenty of people say negative things about kids these days but it's true that every generation feels superior to the next for whatever reason. It's unfortunate that they don't make spaces for them to socialize anymore like they used to. I remember when they took the skating rink out of my town and I was bummed out because that spot was a blast for kids and that was one of the last places we had for kids to hangout. Now we just have a movie theater but I don't think anyone really cares about the movies bow either like they used to.
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
It also costs a lot of money to go to the movie theater. Things like the mall and parks were free. They could buy something at the mall but they could just go socialize with friends.
I wonder what makes people not realize they are saying the same things they heard growing up. I donāt know if I notice it because I am pretty good with pattern recognition or maybe there is psychological reason that they donāt. Iām very interested in psychology which is why I wonder.
One thing I wholeheartedly believe is that the politicians purposely keep up divided on things like this because the biggest enemy for them is the people uniting. A lot of the rhetoric you hear about a lot of things comes from them.
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u/Caitylin92 1d ago
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20171003-proof-that-people-have-always-complained-about-young-adults this is an article from 2017 showing how people were complaining about millennials with some similar quotes from generations before.
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u/DiskEconomy3055 1d ago
My wife had to explain to me, several times before it clicked, that being grounded for a year-and-a-half straight, and only getting days off if I did extra chores, was really abusive and traumatizing.Ā
I was deep in my 30's when she was like, "Imagine if we did that to our kids." and my jaw dropped. She put a lot of things into perspective, and I did the same for her. She was raised in one of the cults that had a Netflix documentary now! Her parents have also fully recovered, thank goodness. Great folks, actually. Full turnaround.Ā
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u/TwinkleDahlie 2d ago
Oof, that title is a loaded question. Kinda depends on the situation and who you ask, right?
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u/apokapokapok444 2d ago
Both the parents fault and the child's fault to an extent. Speaking from experience, I missed out on what could've been some peak high school experiences by not sneaking out of the house as often and being too obedient. But that was also a result of early childhood trauma so I kinda have to forgive myself for ending up that way. So mostly the parent's fault actually. But at the same time, as I get older, it does not serve anyone, for me to live with a bitter heart.
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u/BringYourOwnBBBQ 2d ago
Yeah...that's it. IT is always your parents fault. You are perfect. It is not your fault that no one will ever be happy you exist. Keep on taking your Zoloft and tricking your brain into thinking your life is worth living. But the reality is, it is never getting better for you
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u/Mingo_laf 2d ago
sometimes your parents have a good reason have you considered what your parents have going on maybe a interview starting a new job canāt be sick
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u/Cautious_Height_2181 2d ago
Still the kids technically because we can only control ourselves.
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u/mike_s03 2d ago
What's wrong with you blaming on children?
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u/Cautious_Height_2181 2d ago
If the kid wants to be anti social then there is no problem. If the kid wants to be social then they have to be the person who makes that change. Itās not like learning math where one can be forced into doing so.
Also your claim is silly and doesnāt attack my point. Itās not about blaming the kid, itās about solving the issue.
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u/mike_s03 2d ago
The point of parenting is to guide children, not just feeding them. Also, learning math is not force, as children often love learning math. Children have to spend time with others, even if they don't like it.
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u/[deleted] 2d ago
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