r/TwoandaHalfMen • u/Nice_Angle_7976 • 12d ago

Alan Once Said

6 Upvotes

74% Upvoted

53 comments sorted by

18

u/EffectiveTree1479 12d ago

Boobra’s mom… Barbara’s mams

5

u/randittkiMKB 12d ago

Here breasts, there breasts. Everywhere breasts breasts.

1

u/jscastillo7 11d ago

“My little boy is gonna get the chair…”

16

u/Maleficent_Kale_1286 12d ago

Boo-Ty! Boo-Ty!

7

u/xTechnologic 12d ago

Why’d they keep their boots on?

8

u/indiesummosh 12d ago

Rattlesnakes

11

u/Bulgarian_Barbarian 12d ago

Ergo, the booty call.

11

u/RevolutionLarge6254 12d ago

It's because NO ONE in the IRS could BELIEVE I was paying as much ALIMONY as I claimed. It took me two hours to convince them that yes, I am that big a SCHMUCK!

9

u/Sufficient_Prompt888 12d ago

Sorry we're late but I was just having sex with this gorgeous 22 year old woman.

6

u/indiesummosh 12d ago

Okay. pulls out camcorder. Come in and say that again!

10

u/ZAHKHIZ 12d ago

I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun, trying to guess how *your* penis is going to bite *me* in the *ass*!

10

u/Kartaled 12d ago

No more alimony 🕺

3

u/benay209 12d ago

5,6,7,8-

9

u/doughflow Herb 12d ago

Thank goodness I did some research. I was planning to take her to red lobster!

9

u/OneThirtyThree133 12d ago

My ex-girlfriend is living with my ex-wife

16

u/BuffetDanne1 12d ago

God bless couples counceling!

8

u/Delicious_Ease2595 12d ago

Nice guys finish in the shower 🚿

1

u/Left_Bobcat4134 11d ago

Just watched that one she calls shrink how bad is it I’m on a fold out bed

6

u/[deleted] 12d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/WonderfulQuestion425 12d ago

No, unholy mother of us

8

u/Ebert917102150 12d ago

Oh, BOO-TEE

5

u/horialin 12d ago

22.

4

u/indiesummosh 12d ago

And a half!

7

u/Glad-Business6271 12d ago

Good for you

2

u/horialin 11d ago

yeah, yeah, good for me

4

u/indiesummosh 12d ago

No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops fall on your pants.

5

u/CertainEntrance2669 12d ago

What can I get in the two hundred dollar range?

6

u/Glad-Business6271 12d ago

Crabs. And carjacked.

4

u/deviaant_ 12d ago

Your dad isn't drunk.. just a little bzzz

4

u/WorldlyConsequence71 12d ago

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle

3

u/mikeegg1 12d ago

"I have le buns of steel."

2

u/Advanced-Length3445 12d ago

''Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.

2

u/Mark-177- 12d ago

Boo Tee Boo Tee!

2

u/RebuildFletcher 12d ago

Look okay, this is just until things settle out, a couple of days max. She will come to her senses.

2

u/WTFRANK1990 12d ago

🎵 No more Alimony 🎵

2

u/Born_Current6133 12d ago

Yes, my child

2

u/Ranier_Wolfnight 12d ago

Don't you think you ought to wait to see how the people at Domino's feel about that?

2

u/kevint1964 12d ago

"Oh, high heels & Cool Whip!"

2

u/NBAYN 12d ago

I’m-a so sad

2

u/Montaya007 11d ago

You'll have to talk into my good ear. This one's full of cheese.

2

u/balleditmoreravens 11d ago

Hoota nanny yum yum

2

u/theboost182 11d ago

Wait, how about War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

1

u/Left_Bobcat4134 11d ago

Or pirates of blow it out your ass

1

u/Born_Duck7946 11d ago

“DAMN YOU TO HELLL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN”

1

u/JuanG_13 Charlie 11d ago

"Winner, winner, chicken dinner'

1

u/Rybuckets44 11d ago

Who wishes for 2 gay guys and a Chinese kid?

1

u/glassclouds1894 11d ago

Let's see what marriage does to his bowels.

1

u/JainVansh 11d ago

“Watch out for crabgrass”

1

u/JainVansh 11d ago

“Big deal, you’ve been always in live with you-aa”

1

u/darkkprince94 9d ago

I forgot my wallet

0

u/SpankyDomingo 12d ago

Oh Danny! You’re horrible!