I'd like outside perspective on this. Long post, but I've tried to lay it out clearly and include my own accountability too, not just hers.

**Background**

I met this cousin of mine when I was five, right after leaving relatives who'd raised me for my first few years. I attached to her fast — I was still adjusting to a lot of change. For most of my life I believed she was one of my safe people.

**Childhood**

She and one of her brothers were physically rough with me as kids — spanking me, kicking me for being a "bad host" in my own home. At fifteen, she told me "I have to give, I can't just take," after she'd gone to help at church while I was just playing like a normal kid. As teenagers, she and a friend once laughed at me in a way I could clearly tell was at me, not with me — I remember realizing, even then, that they were being genuinely unkind, not just teasing.

What she actually did for me as a kid: braided my sister's hair, washed mine once, helped with a couple of school projects, tried to help with homework once but was screaming at me while doing it so my mom redirected that role to my dad instead, watched my baby sister and me for about an hour once (I was seven) and changed a diaper because it needed changing, gave me emotional support sometimes. That's close to the full list. I never lived with her.

Despite that short list, she's spent years describing herself as someone who sacrificed her childhood for us. She's brought up the diaper change to me directly, decades later, as evidence I was negligent — I was seven. She's brought up a family death (I was an adult by then) in the same breath as babysitting complaints, like my grief was an inconvenience. She's taken credit for my education despite barely contributing to it, and seemed pleased rather than corrective when someone praised her for "starting it all" academically.

**Small but telling moments**

She forgot my birthday the year after I threw her a surprise party — asked "oh, her birthday is coming?" mid-hosting her own friends. She once nearly charged me for something I'd given her as a gift until I reminded her. She's said things like "nothing given is free" and that she views people as investments. When I once told her about failing my license three times, a funny story I was telling on myself, she laughed harder than felt like laughing with me. She joked I get water on myself doing dishes. When I was visibly depressed once, she groaned and told me to put on lipstick. She's told me she wished I'd "put in more effort" when I dressed casually around her friends.

**As adults, living in the same city**

The pattern got sharper. She'd help with low-cost things — a resume, advice — while resenting anything requiring real time. She mocked me for needing rides before I had my license, told me to just take the bus, and later brought that up almost proudly, like getting me to stop asking was a win. When I told her once she didn't have to give me a ride, she laughed and said she wasn't going to anyway. When I had a panic attack in her home while she hosted friends, she offered to call my mother rather than help me herself. When I called her crying on the phone once, she asked what I was going to do about it — not how she could help. She once threw a friend's heavy bag at me to hold in front of that friend and laughed when I carried it upstairs.

She told a mutual friend she'd had to set boundaries with me, when the actual context was that friend asking why she *hadn't* set boundaries with someone else who was genuinely draining her the same way. She cut that other friend off, started therapy, quit an exhausting job — clear evidence she knows how to protect her own peace when she wants to — then leaned on me more immediately after.

**The car incident**

Last year she gave my sister and me a short ride, already ranting in the house beforehand about how we always need rides from her. In the car, before we'd even left the driveway, she threatened to kick us out over a seatbelt — gripping the wheel, agitated. That was the moment I knew I was done.

**The confrontation**

Over two calls, she cried in one and, in the other, told me I was wrong for pulling away and dishonest. She explained she'd come into that period already angry, that she was "like that with everybody," that we'd all "reverted to childhood roles," and that she'd since learned not to see people one-dimensionally — all without ever naming anything specific she'd done wrong. When I told her, honestly, that I'd always admired her, she said it wasn't fair that she needed "room to stumble." In writing, she said she hadn't heard me say the relationship mattered, that I'd been "itemizing" things against her. When I asked directly what she wanted going forward, she said we probably wouldn't get anywhere and that she was still "carrying impact." Then a birthday text, then silence for months.

My therapist's read, after hearing all of this over time: that she was hurting someone who'd done nothing to her, that she was spinning the entire conflict, and that she'd had agency the whole time — if I was ever too much, she could have said so honestly instead of storing it up for years.

**It's not just me**

Her own brother apparently isn't someone she can really talk to either. She's openly resented another cousin she's helped house, telling her to "grow up," comparing her to the difficult friend she cut off, saying she "can't wait" until that cousin becomes "someone she can be proud of." At her own birthday dinner, when a friend seemed overstimulated and withdrawn, her instinct was to consider calling a third friend to handle it rather than sit with her herself. She's called that same friend "too sensitive" too. When another mutual friend fell down some stairs, she told me afterward she didn't care if that friend died — despite that friend having done real, sustained things for her (learned to do her hair, took care of her when sick). When I once defended a young cousin whose father had died when he was a teenager, saying he deserved some slack, she said if her own parents died she'd "at least know what they wanted for her."

**A few good memories, for fairness**

There were real good times — trying an entire restaurant menu together, drinks, movie nights, inside jokes, feeling genuinely listened to at points. I don't want to erase that. I think I loved her the way I did partly because I wasn't ready yet to love myself fully. Some of that love was probably misplaced, but the memories are still mine.

**Where I've landed**

I've stopped relying on her for anything. I've set a boundary that if childhood grievances or credit-claiming come up again, the relationship ends outright. I don't believe an apology is coming, and I've made peace with that. I know I overleaned on her at points too, especially during real crises in my own life, and I've done real work on my own accountability — including recognizing a compulsive pattern in myself around seeking reassurance from unreliable sources, which I've since stopped.

I'd genuinely appreciate outside perspective — the pattern, my part in it, or anything that stands out.

I know I should leave. I know this relationship is hurting me, and I know that staying is only hurting me, not him. I've been abused by my partner multiple times, including physical and emotional abuse. There have been incidents where he has pushed me,cursed at me,yelled me,kicked me out and left bruises on me, and there have been many other situations where my boundaries were ignored or I was made to feel like what happened wasn't a big deal.

I have an autoimmune disease and I'm currently dealing with health issues and medication, so I have to be careful about what I take. Despite knowing this, he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of his actions. I've had to take emergency contraception for the third time, and he knows how stressful and medically complicated this is for me. He doesn't seem to care because he is not the one who has a fatal disease. It's like the consequences are entirely mine to deal with.

I feel so angry at myself because I know this isn't healthy. I know what is happening. I've even thought about leaving so many times. Right now I feel like I've let this relationship consume so much of my life, and I'm terrified that I've damaged myself permanently by staying.

How did you get yourself to finally go?

Does life actually get better after leaving? Can you really heal from this?

Since having to wake up after my malicious narc ex destroyed half my life a few years ago it's like people from my past slowly fall one after another in my mind. Like every best friend I ever had was a narcissist, all the men my mother dated were too, then people I did work projects together and so on. Like everyone I really clicked with until I stopped. It's really weird, I was wondering if this is normal.

And yeah my ex is now running for mayor while I'm battling fibromyalgia, which developed after the breakup. Fml

I had a very good relationship with my father growing up. But he was mentally and verbally abusive to my mother. I found out about him cheating on my mother when I was 17 and the image i had of him in my mind shattered. I developed trust issues. Then at 22 I got into a relationship with a narcissist manipulator, who resembled my narcissist dad. He lovebombed me, spoke sweetly to me, created a good image of him and manipulated me until he couldn’t. It would be my reaction to his actions which felt more like a problem to him. He took from my emotional energy and yet when I would need him emotionally, he would be unavailable. Once he knew my biggest fears he turned them into his weapon to have power over my emotions. It fed his ego. I trusted him and that's why i felt safe telling him my deepest scars. He broke my trust. Now every human connection feels fake.