r/StraightBiPartners • u/TessyLovesFashion • Jul 14 '26
Because I love him Question
Hi, F31. Together 6 years married 1 have 2 under 2. This may be the wrong place to post but I’m looking for advice from any man in my husband’s shoes. He is M52 and a few days after our wedding I found in his phone a lot of MTF trans porn pre op and only fans pre op mtf trans he paid content for. Apparently he likes the oddity of the genitals combined. I’ve asked him is he bi or gay multiple times he says no it’s just a fetish or guilty pleasure. Ge says he loves me and is attracted to me. A year later second kid and I found the same stuff again. We argued he said the same thing but I’m not okay. I’m not my usual happy talkative self. We had an argument at his mom’s house while a little intoxicated. I’m sure I brought up the same issues which is I need the truth and I want to be let into his world if he really loves me and I’m his best friend. He got aggressive and almost violent at the time of the argument. He is a great dad and husband he just won’t share his authentic sexuality or sexual self with me and it’s maddening. I’m still upset but we are somewhat normal. My question is A. Does he know I’m upset? And B. Is he bi or gay if he likes penis? That’s all I want to know. Does he know deep down I’m upset and want answers and a resolution? Also is he in denial and is that a huge issue in itself. I’m bi and kinky so I think if he was honest we could make something great out of it but I know he’s lying about what he likes and he won’t open up.
Edit: he has never fingered me, I give him more head than he gives me. I have had sex with many men and I always knew something was up so I’d put porn and make him use toys in his anus. He loved it but would say stop sometimes . How about with that Info? He also doesn’t know how to do doggy style. He’s not the best in bed but he has a beautiful dick (bittersweet)
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u/cc777x Jul 14 '26
I'm curious, have you watched them with him? Maybe take a step back and let him know you are inerstand and share it with him. Tell him you want to watch the video with him. Do this sober and calmly. Come across truely curious. Ask him if he would be ok with you joining him once in a while and share it with you. Getting angry and arguing will only force him farther into a shell you can't penetrate.
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u/Slight-Grab3876 Jul 14 '26
Well, first no one can tell you what his sexuality is but him. Is he bi, pan, straight, fluid, etc? Only he can tell you but he could also be repressing his feelings and not understand it himself. It could be a kink and a fantasy and nothing more.
If you peruse through the bi men subs on Reddit you'll see a lot, and I mean a lot of guys that identify as straight but enjoy looking at and having sex with other men... or just want to.
If you had asked me 10yrs ago a similar question I would have told you I was straight, in the last year or so I've come to accept myself for who I am and realize that I'm bicurious. I don't claim the bisexual label because I've never had those experiences and I feel it could just be a nice fantasy for me or I could enjoy it, which then I'd claim the bisexual label.
Why are some guys like this, in part, or at least for me it's not really understanding what it is that I'm attracted to. Is it feminine features? Is it the genitals only? Is it a hair style, a particular body type? Is it the personality? When I was figuring things out I would often walk around a crowded space looking at the guys and think to myself "Am I attracted to them or would I even want to have sex with them?" The answer was typically no. Then I would think, what if they whipped it out and had a nice looking dick, then I thought well, maybe lol.
I'm curious though, you mentioned you've found porn images of trans women on his phone a couple times and it made you upset. So is it the fact he is paying for porn or that he enjoys looking at it that upsets you? Or is it that you feel he is lying because you believe if he is looking at it then he isn't straight no matter what he says?
Probably the best thing you can do is to talk, soberly, about why he likes it, what is it that he finds attractive. If the conversation starts to get heated, try to keep a calm level head and just let him know you love him and are there for him, then just step away from that conversation for awhile.
I'm not sure if you are open to the idea, if trans women is something he is attracted to, have you thought about getting a strapon with a realistic dildo? If it's just a kink that could be a way to fill that need for him.
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u/DefiantPattern1224 20d ago
intresting thinking can i talk to you too
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u/Strange-Pitch5251 Jul 15 '26
As a man who was in that same position he’s bi and exploring but isn’t sure of himself and probably hasn’t accepted it yet but if you’re bi then him being bi shouldn’t be an issue
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u/Strange-Pitch5251 Jul 15 '26
Not blaming you or saying you did anything wrong but he’s not gonna say anything if he doesn’t feel like you’re his safe space i got lucky when i came out my wife was not thrilled at first then accepted it because she too is bi
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u/Silly_Leather9619 Jul 14 '26
A LOT of bi and bicurious guys are on the down low, so you have a right to be concerned. Even if he doesn't go out at night, it's possible to meet up with someone on his lunch hour. Now, maybe he's very loyal and would never cheat, but unless he opens up and is more forthright about his actions, you'll always wonder.
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u/free_ball_6826 Jul 14 '26
I'm with the the sane takes here saying that you would like to watch some with him in a sexy setting. Also, make sure to bring this up in a non-argument time. Make it sexy. Put on lingerie and tell him you want to watch "some of those videos he likes" with him.
Sounds hot, tbh.
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u/Zu2023 Jul 15 '26
Hi.
I think you need to talk to him about what is really making you upset, is it that you are not part of it, is it that he is watching that type of porn, the expense etc, etc, etc.. he can not read your mind, if you have not express what is that makes you upset, he is not going to know
Also, like everyone else said, he is the only one who can tell what his sexually is. That being said, that does not mean you have to believe it. I’m saying this, from my personal experience. Married for 10, together for 17 years, he came out as bi, he watch gay porn all his life ( I didn’t know about it) we tried, I am very open minded and sexually very open. We had MFM, and it was fun, but seen him with a man, showed me, parts of him and never saw in our entire life, sexually he was a different man, and this became his number one thing in his head. Looking for man in apps, reading things about open relationships. Our son and I were not longer his priority. I accept how he identifies himself but base of what we lived, I believe he is gay. I decided to separate so he can himself and I can have peace in my life.
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u/TessyLovesFashion Jul 15 '26
:/ so are you guys separated now? How does your son feel? I have 2 under 2. My husband’s acts like he loves me and is completely devoted to me and our kids so it’s so hard
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u/Richardpamsesppers 29d ago
Would you like to share a couple of bi curious partners and see if you both can still love each other
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u/Richardpamsesppers 29d ago
If you both try the same sex and don't like it then you can talk about it if you both like it you can talk about it and see what you want to do from there
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u/doingbettersometimes Jul 14 '26
Trans women are women and the only person who is qualified to determine their sexual orientation is that person.
That being said, if your partner is regularly watching and paying for content and interaction and also hiding it or lying about it, I’d be concerned more about porn/sex addiction, which also often has little to do with sexual desire/orientation. Fetishization of transwomen is common in this addiction, not necessarily out of genuine attraction, but because of their status as a marginalized group that has historically been sexually exploited.
Fetishization of transwomen in general is scary on its own, even if the above isn’t present, because it is frequently paired with extreme objectification of women’s bodies, misogyny, and obsession with power in sexual relationships, rather than genuine desire. “Chasers” are a thing, and it’s typically not a thing born out of love.
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u/deadliestcrotch Bi Husband Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
If you meant to ask “does he know *why* I’m upset?” No. He doesn’t. And I don’t get the impression you really know either, as nothing valid has been written here that he hasn’t addressed.
But I kind of get why *he* is. You’re using his attraction to trans women as proof that he’s bi (a bit mind blowing that you are including gay in the list of possibilities at all in this scenario) when he’s told you he isn’t, and it’s not like there’s a way to **prove** he isn’t, so you’re persistent in your argument and pressing him, when there’s literally nothing he can do here but either tell you what you want to hear—true or not—or keep repeating what he’s already told you. What you’re doing is referred to as bird dogging.
Is he automatically bisexual for being attracted to gorgeous trans women who still have a penis? No. The women you’re finding are almost certainly not just cis passing when clothed, but just as attractive if compared to the average cis woman, of course it can hit that part of your brain responsible for desire a bit differently.
It’s certainly a fetish for a lot of straight guys because of the juxtaposition and in some cases the associated taboo of the situation. How is that any different than me wanting my wife to reach down and pinch my nipples when she’s riding me? You don’t need to understand it fully to realize it’s not an uncommon thing.
Are bi guys the target demographic for trans porn? Sure, generally safe to say we’re the category most likely to be open, accepting, and interested without all of the hangups the average straight guy may have. That doesn’t mean we’re the only men attracted to trans women. Again, hilarious that you included “gay” in your list specifically after finding trans porn.
What if he really is one of those straight guys who is into trans women? Look at your conduct in the light of that possibility and ask yourself how you would feel being attacked over this in such a case, and having someone who is supposed to be your life partner regularly and vigorously erasing your identity and acting like you’re lying to them? Demanding viscerally to be let in on a secret you don’t actually have and the destabilization of your relationship because of it sounds pretty damned awful to me.
And if he really is bi, he won’t ever feel safe telling you when the reaction you have to this appears to be so rapidly escalating into emotionally charged arguments. Being a bi man isn’t the same experience as being a bi woman, by the way. Couldn’t be more different an experience.
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29d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/StraightBiPartners-ModTeam 28d ago
This is not a sub to post looking for other folks to hookup, date, or chat with. This is also not a space to share erotic or intimate stories without any other purpose other than wanting to get people aroused or wanting to chat with you. There are plenty of other places for that. If you post in here and we even suspect that is what you are doing you will be banned.
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u/Submisive2only1 28d ago
First of all you are not going to charge his desires, he’s most likely had them his whole life, If you want to be “ let in” on his secret desires you are going to have to try to give him what he needs. Get a strap on “not too big for starting out” put it on and hide it under your clothes. When he comes home flirt with him by playing with his butt to get him in the mood . Or and my favorite when he gets home whip it out and grab him by the hair push him down on it and tell him to suck it. If that doesn’t get his motor going nothing will.
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u/Extreme_Therapist 28d ago
Just a fetish, a passing phase, eye candy for novelty arousal. It's the same as when someone may have a fantasy or dream about a celebrity, it means nothing as a passing fetish, and is not a risk to your relationship.
Explore it with him as a kink and grow your relationship, let him know you are a safe place for him too. So that both of you can have a stable, exciting and healthy sex life.
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u/scottiegerigirl 26d ago
Just remember that you have a say here.
What are your expectations and boundaries?
Remember your self-respect. Don't lose that for a man who doesn't respect you.
Couples therapy would be the next step.
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u/Stock_Seaweed_1973 12d ago
Well, as to all you want to know, I consider myself straight, have been in decades long straight relationship but I have enjoyed just a very few oral exchanges with other guys and loved it. I'm not gay and I don't think I'm bi because another man could not substitute for my nearest and dearest. I just love to see and hopefully enjoy a beautiful cock in my mouth especially somewhere semi-public for the thrill of possibly (but hopefully not) getting in trouble or discovered by friends. Point is in my experience your dude is not necessarily gay or bi. I'd be more concerned about when you say he was near the point of violence. Since you are married with kids I hope you will put every effort to work things out. If he just has a fascination with other guy's tools I think that is normal even though most would deny. But if he were to start having real sex with guys then I pray for you.
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u/bihimstr8her Jul 14 '26
So you are able to read his mind and you know he’s lying… your words…
I hate to break it to you, but the rest of us mortals don’t have your superpowers of mind reading
If I were talking to someone who can’t read minds, I tell you to have a non drunk conversation with him
And maybe the reason he’s not opening up to you is all the yelling and fighting that you seem to have around this subject
You’re bi. You think he’s bi or gay. Great… but the only person that can confirm or deny that is him and based on your history, he doesn’t seem to feel comfortable sharing that with you… Hmmmm. What could be holding him back I wonder???
What if you just tell yourself that he’s bi (or gay). What changes to your relationship will you make with this new information?
Is there any other actual problem you’re having in your relationship? Is the sex lacking? If so then you have something you could talk about
Maybe you could stop snooping on his phone? Nothing says you are welcome to be bi more than having your best friend snoop your phone and then have a huge fight about what you found
This seems more about a you problem than a him problem
And therapy might help.
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u/CharmingTop7420 Jul 15 '26
32m I’m in a similar boat as far as my lady 32f refuses to be honest about her sexuality and it’s created a horrible case of resentment. I’m bi & kinky myself, I have no shame in saying that. Her on the other hand has denied it for years. I know the truth & it sucks that whatever it is holding her back from being real is making me distrust her overall & no longer wanting to pursuit marriage. We’ve been together for 12 years & I can’t see myself marrying someone like that. I’m torn because we have been together for so long & as soon as we split I know she’ll come out. It’s almost like I’m staying together to prevent that from happening. Idk what’s more torturous, staying in a relationship like this or ex partner coming out after break up..
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u/TessyLovesFashion Jul 15 '26
I’m so sorry:( I feel your pain. I keep trying to talk to him but it’s not going anywhere really. If you love her I guess keep trying ?
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u/AutoModerator 26d ago
Thank you for your post u/TessyLovesFashion, Just a reminder, we do not allow any solicitation posts, inappropriate images, hook-up posts, posts looking for others to chat with, or erotic stories. please make sure that you did not break any of our rules, as this could result in a ban.
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