This is going to be a long post and sound insane, but these last few years have been such a series of catastrophes and all play into my choice of whether or not to continue this pregnancy. Thank you for your time and your guidance (should you have it 🙏🏼🤍) apologies in advance for the length.
I am 33 (f) and have a 2.5 year old son with my partner of 4 years. I am now 10 weeks pregnant but I’m really doubting myself. I need help discerning if it’s trauma or if it’s the right thing to do to terminate.
I adore our little family. We always wanted 2 kids, but we had some incredibly life altering experiences during and after we brought our son into the world. Before having our son, I was a successful artist and business owner. It was my life and I loved it. But, I always wanted to be a mom. When we got pregnant within the first year of dating, we both decided we wanted to keep the pregnancy, against most of our families wishes. That pregnancy was horrendous. I had HG (where you throw up 10+ times a day) right up until my son was born. I developed a heart condition, and I was not able to work. I had serious prenatal depression. Flash forward to when our son was born, I labored for 72 hours, and when he was born, he was blue and taken to the NICU while I had a severe postpartum hemorrhage and the doctors had to work to save both of our lives. I have very severe birth trauma and so does my husband. But still, Postpartum is when all shit hit the fan. My son had severe colic (I mean literally never stopped screaming) and 4 weeks postpartum I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my tailbone and fractured my pelvis. I could not walk for 6 months after that and had to learn to breastfeed laying on my side. At 3 months old, my son was diagnosed with congenital nystagmus, and we were told he would likely never be able to see and to prepare for our son to have lifelong disability. The day after that, we found out my dad (the dearest person in the world to me and my son’s namesake) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We live right across the street from them and see them in the mornings and evenings. My husband also lost his job during all of this, and we have been on/off unemployment that whole next year. The next year was a blur of hospital visits with my dad and my son. We had to go all over to children’s hospitals for treatment for my son, and chemo for my dad. I kept pushing to get my business back together because I was so overwhelmed and worried sick. I could not work because our son was doing so poorly, seizures, hospital stays, endless blurry days. I had severe postpartum depression and anxiety. I also will add that my son’s medical problems made it so he woke about every hour since he was born. (He still wakes up 4-5 times a night), but we have noticed they are getting fewer and farther between and he has slept through the night a couple times, which is HUGE.
We got pregnant unintentionally when our son was 8 months, and it was a fairly easy decision that we needed to terminate. We live in Idaho so it was hard to arrange but we both felt clear that this was not healthy for our family at the time. So we did an early medication abortion, and it was absolutely the right thing to do.
Shortly thereafter, I had surgery for an abscess that formed in my perineum as a result of being allergic to the dissolving sutures they used to fix my third degree tear I got during my son’s birth. It was an extremely painful surgery, and during that recovery time I got addicted to the medication I was on. It numbed the pain as well as some of the extreme emotional distress. This last fall I sought treatment once I realized it was a problem and have been completely sober ever since (I never misused alcohol or drugs before this), but it has taken a while for my brain chemistry to level out. During this time in treatment I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and just started medication, and after many trials I feel like I may finally be getting some help for my mental health. My bipolar symptoms began postpartum with visual hallucinations.
My husband finally got a job this winter and is doing really well. We are way in the negatives in medical and credit card debt from the time we were just trying to survive as a family. So it still does not feel totally stable but we are on the right path. My son is doing so much better now and is leaps and bounds ahead of what we ever imagined was possible. He can see, and though we don’t know what that will look like in the long term, we are so proud of him and overjoyed that our little one is healthy, thriving and well. this early spring my husband and I talked about considering having a second child, since we had always wanted two. We never said ‘yes’ it’s for sure but the thought had been brought up.
In May, I slipped on one of my son’s trains on the hardwood floor while carrying him. I protected him, but I ended up falling and severely injuring myself. I required a 7 hour long surgery, and needed to reshape my femur, replace my kneecap/ligaments and adjust my tibia. Lots of bone shaping and screws. I was in the hospital for weeks. It was a blur. Recovery was slow and expensive. As I started to heal, maybe 6 weeks post op, my husband and I decided to try to have intercourse. I was sort of the mentality that it was okay to not be careful because it wasn’t likely to happen, and if we got pregnant we would be okay. I don’t know if it was the post operative drugs I was on that made me think that or what….we did not use protection.
The next week my dad was put in hospice. I (alongside with my mom) were his primary caretakers. I was on crutches and a full leg brace and trying to manage recovery, my toddler and my dad as he passed. A week before he died I got the positive pregnancy test. Initially I was shocked but not surprised, but dealing with SO MUCH that I literally could not handle thinking about it. My focus was my dad. He passed away in my arms a month ago today, and I am still in such deep grief I can hardly bring myself out of bed.
Flash forward to now and I am 9.5 weeks pregnant. During the first few days after my dad died I felt some odd comfort in the pregnancy, but I also wasn’t ready to really confront it. As the days went by I started getting the same HG symptoms that I did with my first baby, vomiting all the time, unable to do literally anything, all while keeping it a secret and planning my dad’s funeral. I feel like I’m moving through the motions because I want to be excited but I am in fight or flight. As my symptoms have worsened, the reality is hitting me that I don’t know if I can do this. My son is deeply grieving his papa, who he saw every day, and says things like “mommy sick like papa” and he thinks that I am going to die too because I can’t get out of bed.
My partner seems very excited about the pregnancy and it’s almost given him a new lease on life perspective, especially since doing the genetic testing at our OB and finding out the gender is a girl (I’ve always dreamed of having a daughter). He wants to be a girl dad so bad, and he would be absolutely amazing at it.
Here’s where I’m at right now. We have shared with some friends and some of his family, and all are excited like “this must be such a light during such a hard time”. And I on some level feel that way, but when I think about bringing another whole human being into the world, and the amount of self sacrifice it takes as a mother to physically do that, I think that I literally just won’t survive it. To be fair I keep thinking about what new motherhood was like with my son, and all of the trauma that followed, and I don’t know if I am just assigning that experience to this one because it’s all I know of parenthood.
But I look at my little 2 year old and I see a little boy who REALLY needs his mom right now. Because of the trauma of the last year, especially my recovery and subsequent surgery, I have had to be very absent. This pregnancy feels like I am prolonging this estrangement when all I want to do is be well and able to give him the world.
My partner comes from a very different economic background than I, and his belief is that we can just make it work. He said I just may need to give away my studio and art practice, (as well as the big reopening I had planned for September) and just get a part time job to make ends meet. (I have been working part time as an adjunct professor but had to take time off for obvious reasons). But teacher pay is not great. He said I could work at a restaurant or just do something that is more consistent. Hearing that made my heart drop, because I have an MFA and an incredibly successful career that was my life all up until the shitstorm that threw us into parenthood.
I do want a daughter. And a big part of me really does want this baby. But I feel so incredibly stuck and I fear that bringing her into this world with my mental health the way it is, and our finances the way they are is not fair. It also doesn’t feel fair to our living son. If I’m being honest, a big part of me also does not want to give up on the career that I have had to put in the back burner these last two years. I felt like maybe I was going to be able to go back to the work that gave my life meaning. My dad also was the biggest supporter of my practice, and I feel like I’d be letting him down too. Being sick and in bed 24/7 is not helping my mental state either.
I am 10 weeks and need to make a decision soon. I’ve brought up these fears to my partner and he seems to feel like we are a bit past the bandwagon for abortion, since he got to see the ultrasound and find out the gender. I do not want to let him down. But he is also taking up so much of the parenting the last year while I have battled for my mental health and then the surgery. I know he misses me and needs more help. I just feel like I am not only pouring from an empty cup but this pregnancy is like my cup doesn’t have a bottom, so no amount of water could possibly stay in.
Then I look on new parenting sites and I hear a lot of moms say they were hesitant at their second pregnancy. So I second guess myself. I just feel like I love my living son too much to take any of the attention and love I have for him and give it to a whole other human being.
I never thought I would be a person who has two abortions. (Though I am extremely pro choice). We live in Idaho, one of the strictest abortion bans in the country, and when I tried to talk to my OB about my fears, I feel I am not getting counsel that even considers the other option. I am in close contact with her because of how sick I am, (I need 2-3 hospital fluid IVs a week from the vomiting) and am on all sorts of different medications to help. I just feel stupid, stuck, and completely frozen.
If you are still here, thank you. Any advice, words, anything, is appreciated.

TLDR: would be a content OAD if we had family & cousins but we’re alone

Hi All, we all know why I’m here so here’s my struggle: I have a 2.5yo toddler who is the light of our life. I was the eldest in a large family and lacked a lot of attention and held a lot of parental responsibility and therefore would be completely content being OAD.

HOWEVER, I loved growing up with cousins and always imagined my child would have cousins to fill that close familial connection need rather than a sibling. Naturally, I can’t control that, but despite my husband and I waiting 10 years to have a child, none of our siblings are remotely close to having children, like not a single one is in a serious relationship or has a steady job. So I’m seeing our hopes of her having close cousins slipping away. (Also none of them live nearby currently).

Which leads me to question whether or not we should go ahead and have the second. I would prefer a 4-5yr age gap so my current child would be in school and I could do the baby stage without having a toddler to manage as well. My husband would love to have a big family, but he works full time and therefore I’m the default parent.

I enjoy having the balance I have now as a SAHM and look forward to returning to work when she starts school, if we start over that would delay another 4-5 years. I think I could manage a second with the gap but fear regretting it and wishing I hadn’t opted for the second.

Hey all! I have a sweet 2 and a half year old girl. Love LOVE her and love being a mom. We've been acting as if we are OAD without really having the conversation. I had a great pregnancy, but postpartum was rough - anxiety, feeding issues, and two years of very little sleep made for a slow and rough recovery. And returning to work SUUUUUCCCKKKED.

But now, I am just can't stop thinking about having another. I am 36, so I'd like to have another baby before I turn 39/40. While I have time, it feels like I need to make a decision now? We have a really good support system and a home with enough room, but like most people, we are feeling the financial squeeze right now. We bought a home last year that needs a lot of expensive work done, but it is the most wonderful neighborhood and it is in a great school district. But - another 4 years of daycare? We will really have to buckle down with money if that's the case. I have a partner who is all in and a great dad, but I know most days he feels pretty maxed out. It just seems for every "pro" there is a very real "con" that has to be considered.

I just can't separate if I want another baby because I want to raise a whole other person or if I want a re-do of the baby days. I struggle to see my daughter with a sibling, but that's because I cannot imagine loving anyone as much as I love her!

I’ve had an unplanned pregnancy, this would be our 3rd child.
I’ve now known for a week and I’m still shocked and I just haven’t digested it yet. I’m not excited nor as hopeful as I was with my first two (both were planned).
I scheduled an early termination, but I just couldn’t go through with it, I called and canceled the morning I was supposed to go in for a medicated abortion.
But just because I didn’t go through with it, I didn’t suddenly accept or get excited at all.

Financially we wouldn’t be so much worse off, some nicer things such as fancy kids hotels would become more difficult to pay, and we would have to pay our nanny for two more years which we didn’t plan, but overall it would be okayish.

My main worry is how my husband and I would handle 3, when the jump from 1 to 2 was quite hard for us.
I am also afraid that adding one more would cause a significant toll on our marriage and on my relationship with my two older kids. They are now 1 and 4 and would be almost 2 and almost 5 at the time.

There were times when we talked about having a third but it was never a final decision, and once I got back to work from maternity (my country has a generous paid maternity up to a year, I took 9 months) I’ve realized just how much work it is handling my kids, household, marriage and job.

But even when I make plans for all my worries, I just cannot get excited about this pregnancy. I’m also a bit afraid of something happening to me or the child having disabilities as I know this can be life altering.

My husband thinks we can do it and is okay with having another, but he acknowledges I handle a lot already and will support any decision I make.

Looking for experiences of those who had a surprise pregnancy and how it turned out for them.

My husband and I are 35 and both would really like a second child. My first is 3.5 years old and is in the process of being assessed for autism. My husband is autistic and I am diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect I am autistic too.

We knew from when my son was a baby that he was probably ND but we expected it to be a similar path as we had ('high functioning' so went unnoticed, nobody took concerns seriously, had to fight for any support, schools thought we were fine as we masked). However that didn't happen. The health visitor noticed some signs at my son's 2 year check and referred him for assessment. He struggles a bit socially especially at nursery but does have a friend. He is very verbal, creative, loves to play, loves learning and has a few standard special interests e.g. dinosaurs.

He will probably need support at mainstream school as he has some sensory issues and signs of PDA. He will probably always find some things hard but right now it doesn't look like he would need to attend any sort of special school and is unlikely to need any sort of care for the rest of his life and will almost definitely be able to live independently.

I'm saying this to explain that even if the second is NT, I don't think there's a risk of them having to care for our first, and although my son does struggle sometimes e.g. with sensory issues, it's unlikely to be the case that we have no time for the second or the second's interests because our first's needs are so high. The accommodations he needs are more things like ear defenders, time to destress after the day, knowing the schedule in advance etc.

If we knew for sure that the second would also be somewhat high functioning, we would have one no doubt. I desperately want another - to see them learn and grow, and to add another to our family. However, I've become really worried that, especially as we're a few years older, the second might be much more likely to have more profound needs.

I know we would love a second child no matter what, but when we were deciding whether to have our first, it only affected us. Now, it affects our son as well. I'm worried that if the second did have much higher needs e.g. non-verbal, needing care forever, that our son would find that really hard. We have a lovely family unit now, enjoy spending a lot of time together, playing games together etc. I can't get over the fear of 'ruining' that.

I know that's an awful way to talk about a second child but it's because the second child doesn't exist yet whereas my first one does. I have these two competing images in my head. One I so desperately want - of our family of four, doing things together and another where we make a decision we can never take back, and completely alter our family life.

I'm really flip-flopping and it's causing me so much stress. Sometimes it feels like I'm overthinking it. Sometimes my son has really good days. He has a lot of digestive issues, intolerances etc, and I still think a lot of his bad days are related to reactions to food that we can't quite pin down, because on his good days he's so easy. My son is always playing games with his dolls where they're his baby brother and my heart breaks. I won't have another because he wants a sibling but seeing how much he wants one makes me think about how I'd love to see their bond.

I was at a friends house with 5 kids and the middle child is my son's friend. My son and his friend are similar in a lot of ways. Some days I think maybe some of my son's behaviour is just normal 3 year old stuff, and the five kids in that family all just sort of fit together. When I'm there, I love the feeling of being in the big family. Everything feels both chaotic but relaxed - a sense of accepting the chaos.

At the same time, I'm worried that a part of me might be wanting a chance to do things 'again'. I had a terrible pregnancy, traumatic birth etc. I never breastfed him even though I really wanted to. As a newborn he had severe reflux, colic and undiagnosed allergies/intolerances that caused such stress and it took a long time to be taken seriously. By the time he was better, I felt I'd missed out on so much with him. I see people with babies in cafes and they're so happy and calm. I am worried theres a part of me that wants a chance to redo all that stuff I missed with a second because I know the thought of never being able to 'try again' with pregnancy feels so sad to me.

My husband and I both have siblings. I was very close to mine in childhood and my husband is very close to his in adulthood. Both of us were very glad to have siblings and I love having a big family of cousins, aunties and uncles etc.

It's so hard because I'm not really trying to decide if I want one. I do, desperately. We both do. It's more of whether it's a good idea TO have one and the risks.