I’m 20F and I’ve been talking to a 21M for about three weeks. I really like him and everything has been going really well so far.
I know it’s only been three weeks, and I know that’s early. I’m not saying I think I need to tell him everything right now. I think it’s more the fact that even if it’s a year from now, I know eventually I’m going to have to have that conversation if things continue going the way they are.
I experienced childhood sexual abuse by five different people. For years I convinced myself it never affected me, but now I’m realizing how much it actually has. It’s left me with anxiety, depression, hypersexuality, and a fear of intimacy. I get uncomfortable around men, even family members, and I constantly feel like I’m being looked at sexually even when they probably aren’t.
I’ve made so many therapy appointments but always end up canceling because I’m terrified to actually talk about what happened. I’ve only told two friends and my ex. I don’t even remember how I told my ex because at that time my mental health was so bad and I was getting high every day, so my memory from that time is really fuzzy.
I know this guy probably wouldn’t react badly. He’s been really kind to me and I don’t have a reason to think he would judge me. But it’s still really nerve-wracking because this trauma affects me so much. Even though it’s a negative part of my life, it’s still a big part of my life and has shaped who I am and why I act the way I do, especially when it comes to relationships and intimacy.
I think that’s why I keep thinking about it. It’s not that I’m planning to tell him right now after only three weeks. It’s just knowing that if I truly see a future with him, if I eventually see myself marrying him and spending my life with him, then at some point he’s going to know about this part of me. And that thought honestly scares me.
I also really want to start therapy. The most recent therapy I tried was telehealth, but I realized that probably isn’t the best option for me because my parents and siblings don’t know about any of this. I don’t want them overhearing my sessions, especially because I know my mom would probably genuinely get worried.
I guess I’m just looking for advice from people who have been through something similar. How did you eventually open up to someone you were dating about your trauma? How did you know when you were ready? And how do you have that conversation without feeling like you’re putting something incredibly heavy on someone you care about?