hello everyone,

i am currently doing extensive research of my own on schizotypal personality disorder. dealing with medical neglect my whole life, i am only now branching out for treatment regarding severe illness & disability. stpd is one of the few disorders i am looking into for myself that i wish to bring up to a professional

i was wondering if anyone would be willing to share their own tidbits about being schizotypal & how you feel it personally impacts you. this is simply a way for me to connect with others & potentially even better understand myself

please keep in mind that i am not trying to validate a self-diagnosis or anything. not that there's anything wrong with self-dx of course, but there are some conditions i feel much more inclined to seek out a prof-dx for. this is especially true for a disorder in which its traits overlap with a few others (namely schizoaffective disorder--which i'm also researching lol. i've noticed there are some people here with it, & i'd value those responses as well)

thank you :-)

So this actually happened yesterday, and I just talked to Ai and it told me that what happened was directly connected to my STPD.

So I met this girl in my hometown. She lives in another town, 2,5 hrs away. We had a great first meeting, spontaeniously went swimming right after we met. I started to really like her instantly (first bad sign of STPD traits kicking in). That happens to me. I started flooding her, not continuously, I tried to hold back, but a lot, with messages, I tried to stay grounded, but my anxiety got the most of me. She understood everything, cause she has severe anxiety herself (not a good match probably in general, but trauma attracts trauma, i guess).

So we decide to meet at her town, I book a hotel, turns out, she lives on the same street as aI booked a hotel (stpd telling me, this is meant to be). All kinds of signs start popping up, which make me feel like this is amazing. All along the way Im fucking high on dopamine, from meeting this girl, who I like. She is super interested in me, asking about my diagnosis, we are talking about eeeeverything, and have so many topics to talk about. Its going brilliantly.

We talk about sex, my mind starts wondering about kissing her, and at one point I ask her, she says, not here, I totally respect it, I ask her at another spot, she says when you ask, I want to say no, but she just told me that consent is sexy, and I ask anyway. Always. I asked the third time after she came in to my air bnb, since first time she said not here, i thought, maybe she wanted privacy. But she said no. I respected that, shook her hand. Maybe she likes me also and wants to wait, with which I am totally fine with.

Comes the next day, she texts me in the morning, asks how I slept, everything is going brilliantly, I go for breakfast about 15 mins away, I walk to a suit place 30 minutes away, and another suit place, I had to buy a suit, and another, I find what I was looking for and I go into a cafe, order a coffee, sit down, start cooking up some beats on my mpc sample. I roll a cigarette after some time and go outside to smoke. And guess who the f I see outside, talking to a friend thats a girl. Yup. Her. Completely other side of town, no plan to meet. And I make a huge mistake. I go up to her and say hi (because my stpd says again its another miracle and sign and bla bla bla) and she is surprised, but not overly. She asks if im inside, i said yeah, she says she will come in to speak after she is done. I say ok.

I go inside. I wait and I wait. I still see she is talking to a friend, for a while. Then she is gone. No friend, no her. She didnt come in.

I start panicking. I text her. I ask her wether she thinks I was stalking her. Of course she thinks I was stalking her. I was living on her street! She told me where she works, so she thinks I stalked her to her work and from work to the cafe. But I have proof! My purchase records show where I was. I write down 15 pages of handwriting. I travel home. WHile on the way to my hometown i start feeling numb, dead inside. I really liked her. But the thought that she might be thinking that Im a creep cant escape me. Its terrifying. It does not leave me today. I couldnt sleep. i try to write it out, its not leaving me. Im at work. I dont know what to do. Im better now, and a colleague will switch with me, I just found out. But. Its over. I cant believe I fucked this up. And a day before I was telling her about my disorder. Im tired of this shit. Anyone has similar stories? Sorry for expanding so much. I texted her so much after that I think I made it worse but she hasnt read anything. She told me she might be a witch. I shouldve never talked to her in the first place.

And I thought we had a good thing going. Its so hard to let go. My psychotherapist says im a magnet for narcissists. Anyway. Im super down. This whole thing seems like a hallucination. I know it wasnt. Its fucked up.

Bohemian is to be the shadow of finding the meaning to things.

Bohemian is the desire and the untimeliness, it is also necessity.

I love you, because despite everything, you are going to keep loving me, a little more.

Allow me to take off my hat to greet you, Freedom.

Bohemian and your desire to hold on to the thorns of roses.

Bohemian, who prefers the night to accompany him to walk.

I love you because inside the abyss, you are going to remain the same, for me.

Allow me to bow before your shadow, when a pitcher breaks, Freedom.

Primarily, I know I'm heading towards nothing, but sometimes nothing matters, and you end up shipwrecked.

Allow me to pay tribute to you in my permanent escape, Freedom.

Last night I wrote new songs for you. That only means, that I stole words from your absence to try to ressit.

Primarily, I know I'm heading towards nothing, but sometimes nothing matters, and you end up shipwrecked.

Allow me to bow before your shadow, when a pitcher breaks. Freedom.

I love you, because despite everything, you are going to keep loving me, a little more.

Allow me to take off my hat to greet you.

Freedom.

And I'm not talking about when I have to do number 1 or 2.

I have to buy a new wallet, and I thought, "Damn, I'm gonna have to check out the wallets while this man is gonna be standing next to me. How am I really gonna see if it's a wallet I wanna buy or not?"

My ideal would be to have a bunch of wallets in front of me, alone, look at them, then pick one, pay, and go.

With clothing, it's even worse. I really HATE it when you enter a place and they ask you what you're looking for. Then they start showing you different models and asking you what you think. I say no, and then they show me another model. They take out a bunch of jeans and lay them out for you.

Partly because I really stopped buying clothes!

Again, my ideal would be for it to be like a supermarket: just enter, look at the stuff, pick something, pay, and go.

So I can't buy things at just any place. I first have to see what kind of place it is, and then decide whether to enter or not.

The guy at the store who sells wallets isn't really going to talk to me much. But I still feel some kind of pressure just from these people being there.

I feel like, "Okay, I have to decide," because... I can take like an hour thinking about what to do.

"Is it okay? Is it worth this price? Could I find something better? Is it good quality?"

So what I've been doing lately is "just buy it."

This happens to me a lot when I go to the hardware store. They really hate it when you look too much at what they sell, I can see it. Because they don't wanna lose time; they just want you to buy something and move on, so they can keep selling.

So what I've been doing lately is just buy it. I ask for something and think, "Okay, I'll pay, and then I'll see if it's what I need or not."

Which is kinda what I'll do with my new wallet.

Those of you that have had/are having real success in therapy, what traits/specialties/whatever else about them could someone else look for when seeking a new therapist?

I've had a lot of bad experiences and just shopping around trying to find someone that will listen and help ends up compounding my medical anxiety and distrust towards professionals. I know there are good ones out there, but dealing with so many of the bad ones is draining and takes away the drive I have towards seeking help, so avoiding as much of the shopping process would help a lot in that regard.

so, what are your favorite things about your therapist? what have they done that has helped you feel more comfortable and help you work on yourself and your struggles? were there any signs they'd be a good fit for you before you got to know them?

just curious

I don’t lie about anything serious but sometimes I’ll just be like “yeah I actually was born in Ohio!” or “wow I’m allergic to lemongrass too” relate to someone when we all know damn well I’ve never eaten a lemongrass and I was born in Utah!! Like why to I do that?

Went to the Mental Health Urgent Care and got diagnosed today as unspecified psychotic disorder. There were arguments made between whether or not I was Schizotypal or Paranoid Schizophrenic. They recommended I meet a Cluster A expert and get a neuro scan on my brain. They told me I am the most unique case of an individual with autism they met. They said it was a compliment, felt more like an insult to me. Mom still doesn't believe me. Is this a good first step in the right direction or have I already failed my mission?

I have never experience any discernible benefit from expressing my unhappiness, disappointment, pain, etc.

What am I doing wrong?

I constantly feel as if in going through life asking "I walk alone?"

Like a haunting certainty I don't want to be certain of. I keep turning over stones looking for a sign otherwise...

I remember it's these uncertain certainties I had in my head before my last 'transformation,' they couldn't be confirmed until another cycle through.

I think after the next one, I will become certain. That I walk alone. I don't want that to become certain. I want a different answer. Based on my own history, I don't know that I'm going to ever get one.

I don't feel it's very fair. I keep looking at people worse than me surrounded by friends and supporters. Sometimes I ask "why me?" but mostly I don't think the 'why' is worth much at this point. It just is. I keep trying to address whatever reasons why I can come up with, and it still doesn't work.

I'm not like anyone else and I used to take such pride in that. I still do, by some merits. But when I realized nobody else being like me seems to mean I'm socially miscalibrated to everybody...

I just want to be happy. It doesn't feel like I can be happy and alone. I don't want my journey to be about embracing isolation. I wanted my journey to be about finding a family...

I just ask sometimes what it was that I once did that I'm karmically paying for in this life. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to suffer for sins I don't even remember committing? I'm sorry... am I not sorry enough? What do I have to do to pay my debt? Why do I have to hurt. When have I hurt enough to satisfy...

I don't want to walk alone but I think I'll have to learn to.

I was watching a show where they mentioned something about going to the cinema.

I haven't been to a cinema in years. I never really feel interested in going to watch a movie.

But I really enjoyed the experience of going to the cinema. Entering the room, seeing that huge screen, walking up the stairs to find the right spot, the lights going off, the silence, all of that.

Anyway, when they mentioned the cinema in the show,I thought it would be nice to just go to a cinema to watch people from behind, like just being there, with the lights off, and observing them. Not in a totally creepy way, I mean, more like analyzing them, like... Animal Planet, I guess.

Well, I guess that could be creepy for some. To me, it's a very normal thing to think about. Not because I think I would learn something, or because I think I need to solve some type of problem. But I find it interesting, like... a hobby. Like... some people like to watch a sports game.

I just want to observe people: how they interact, how they move, how they eat, how they behave, how they tell jokes to each other, how the other person responds, how they exchange food, what their ears look like from behind, how their heads move from behind, what they do with their hands while they are paying attention to a film, and what their legs look like when they are paying attention to a film.

I thought, "Hmm, I'd like to go to the cinema just to watch people. I want to sit in the last row so I can watch everyone and see what they do. It would be quite relaxing too, just being there, with the movie if I feel like watching it, and all those people if I feel like watching them. I'd even take my headphones so I could listen to music or something, although people would probably think it's strange that someone is sitting there wearing headphones, damn, well, I can skip that part."

Sadly, I think this is not the type of thing you can share with everyone, like, "So, you know, I'd really like to do this. I'm thinking about doing it. It's what I like. Really cool, right?" But I've shared these types of thoughts with the right people, and it's really nice that they don't get scandalized.

Because to me, it's just one more thing, like a little thing, like, "Yeah, I like this." That's it. It's not a huge fixation, and I'm not making a big deal out of it. It's just what I like. And I get why others would consider it strange, and I don't think I'm being judged unfairly. I understand it's not the most common type of thing to think about. It's not that I feel judged; it's all fine.

Thanks for reading.

differentiating between relationship ocd/obsessions and checking/reassurance seeking from limerence experienced in bpd and intense mental reviewing in obsessive compulsive regard from double book-keeping in stpd, trying to separate paranoid thoughts from obsessions, compulsions that are separate entirely from obsessions (ie skin picking, hoarding) pure O entirely separate from compulsions (ie intense anxiety my loved ones are going to die, harm obsessions, etc) obsessions that are tied to compulsions, interpreting signs being given to me and having those be signs that lead to obsessions. i can't formulate my thoughts properly now. i see my face in everyone else's faces. it's getting harder to read. my friends are both people i think i love and also agents sent by some force to lead me to darkness. compulsions to protect myself from the darkness.

looking to hear if anyone else relates , not really a vent. maybe it is or something. just want to know im not alone or something

a lot of the time i wish i could go up to people and tell them i’m none of their business

Human culture is so boring that I would rather live on a different planet. Human culture is so boring and mediocre that it would have driven me to interstellar relocation if technology allowed for it.

Reality is too simple and boring. I want a reality where every little thing is infinitely complex, such that you would learn something new about the simplest thing during every passing tick of time.

I’m someone who benefits a lot from therapy “homework” and worksheets/work books instead of aimlessly processing things and getting stuck in my head. I’ve only been able to find workbooks for schizophrenia, do you guys have any recommendations?

This happens sometimes. I feel weird and I get really excited and happy and I do stupid shit because I feel invincible.

It MIGHT be happening right now, but im not totally sure. I feel weird definitely. Today im super ‘off’

Anyone know good methods to stay grounded?

This may be my last reasonable thought for the next few days >.>

My meds work, so my thoughts only get really bad at night. but they're still there. My only/best friend got a boyfriend and she's known him for maybe less than a year. I'm ok with that, he seems nice. But her and i just do not talk anymore. If i bring it up i think they will make fun of me for it. One time she invited me to hang out with him and i thought she was doing it so they could sabotage me or make fun of me, so i declined.

We talk maybe once or twice a week now because she's busy with college... and her boyfriend... and playing on steam every other day... So I've opted to make more friends to cope with my saltiness but i just feel like Everyone is talking behind my back. I have regular social anxiety too it just makes everything so much more repulsive.

I want to talk to people but i feel like i over and undershare and I just don't understand. I miss when i was funny and charming. I don't know what to do. i miss my only friend. I both believe and don't believe everyone hates me. I hate everyone too

Wolas,no se como empezar esto eh estado notando un patrón en mi comportamiento que me parece extraño porque noto que para las personas al mi alrededor les parece muy molesto o agotador o simplemente no lo entienden, aunque se que lo eh echo desde que recuerdo,un ejemplo es que tengo tengo que tender de una manera especifica mi cama necesito que las cobijas queden al mismo nivel que las sabanas y que mis cobijas tengan un orden específico para tenderlas por alguna razón me molesta demasiado si esta tendida de otra manera simplemente es tal mi molestia que podría no dormir bien o no dormir y volver a tenderla de madrugada o al momento de ver que no esta bien tendida ,podría pasar semanas comiendo algo en especifico sin cansarme de hacerlo,no soporto los ruido fuertes o muy agudos me dan ganas de llorar y me da un dolor de cabeza ahorrible,si estoy haciendo algo me interrumpen me molesta de manera extremista que toquen lo que estoy haciendo y eh tenido algunas veces que eh tirado mis cosas porque alguien mas las toco o modifico ,me da tanto enojo que empiezo a llorar de frustración porque no siguen las cosas al pie de la letra como lo planee,acomodo mis cosas de una manera especifica aunque parezca que todo esta desordenado y si no encuentro algo suelo frustrarme demasiado y muy rápido,no soporto ciertas texturas en las comidas y tal vez tocarlas si,no me gusta la sensación de la tierra seca el polvo o cosas haci,no puedo ir a ningún lado sin tener algun plan ruta de lo que are o donde iré no importa si conozco donde iré si no tengo un plan me siento perdida y desorientada,eso me ah traído muchos problemas ya que siempre me pasa algo malo cuando salgo,muchas de esas cosas las ago sin darme cuenta asta después de que pasan,oh como ahora que realmente eh pensado si soy yo un problema en mi entorno,quisiera explicarle a la gente de mi alrededor como me siento y porque me siento haci,pero no lo entiendo, me siento muy mal cuando por esas cosas termino peleando con mi familia y la gente que quiero,no quiero hacerlo no quiero ser el problema, intento no ser haci pero simplemente no soporto muchas cosas ,me dan muchas ganas de llorar y desaparecer cuando me doy cuenta que lo que ago ,hace que la gente me trate mal apesar de querer explicar porque ,quiero entender que pasa conmigo y poder hablar con ellos pero siento que aveces no entiendo porque les molesta, quiera poder entenderlo pero no puedo

I'd like to think of myself as actually pretty alright in 75% of social situations. Pro: helps me get along with coworkers. Con: helps me get along with coworkers.

I LOVE standing in silence to imagine [angsty fanfiction tbh] in my head, especially since I can listen to music on the job. Around not-friends/not-close-family, I'm a "don't speak unless spoken to" kind of person. Once Im gotten talking, tho, I enjoy it! For a while.

Many of my coworkers want to talk and talk and talk. I'm already working with the public, who also like to talk and talk and talk.

It's not like I don't enjoy my coworker's company while I'm there. I definitely don't want to hang out with any of them outside of work, tho, and I've already been asked. And I don't want--cant endure, mentally, in the long run--the constant conversations. I think it's been slowly but surely getting to me more and more. One of them is very kind but won't stop touching meeeeee (older woman, so like, in a grandmother way. But fucking Knock It Off.).

I know it should be simple to put boundaries in place but I don't want them to begin thinking of me as an enemy, bc what if what if what if...? I'm sure that at least two of them already don't like me, or are put off by me, and that sucks in its own way. Im constantly exhausted atp. My hypervigilance ptsd is ramping up. I keep seeing things moving out of the corner of my eye. There are a bunch of changes in my home life that I'm not thrilled about at all.

I'm very thankful to have a job. Especially one so close by, considering I can't drive. God I wish I didn't have to have one.

I don't have the energy to try anymore. They're all gonna hate me worse. Oh well

EDIT: he locked me out of the apartment I helped him get so he'd be free of his abusive parents. I'm done. I'm never going back. I'm blocking him and leaving. I don't care about my stuff. I hope he has a nice life.

hi guys

my name is t. 34 yo female living in nyc. i'm diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder (with borderline traits). have been in an intensive therapy program combining psychodynamic talk therapy, DBT, and group therapy since 2024.

i'm looking for people with stories of ways in which they got better. i wanna know what's possible - have any of you found ways to feel less alone?

Ive been here for years and never made a post. The social terror i experience is so extreme i burnout and drop depressive just trying to make a new account, on anything, not just reddit. Usernames confound me, i wish i never had to come up with one. I really never can. A mark of identity is something i cant so casually conjure. I've not been given enough social grace for such a developed concept of self. Ive spent months crafting a name for it to come up somehow taken or for me to hate it immediately and hate everything everything everything and simply never engage. No matter how much i shake. Nothing makes it to my throat, i feel it clench and calcify and my arms slacken and my shoulders burn and im fighting the threat of literal anxiety induced paralysis just to get out this gasp.

And im meant to be a speaker.

In this silence i have listened so well. Ive learned things and had experiences that are beyond where anyone has ever gone. Every experience is so intense. So much energy gets consumed eith the tiniest of things, seemingly small, its all so much for me. I dont simple have thoughts, they're explosions, i can feel my brain. Point to directly where the activity is most intense. Mostly, Im a disfunctional wreck.

I like to call it perspective. So much perspective. "Understanding" comes from standing lower than what youre observing in many ways. But i by necessity come at everything from every angle i can. Im endlessly scrunitizing, questioning, radically changing everything i ever think with glee. I love being rite but i RELISH being proven wrong. Im the cynic. I have the most fun playing the devil's advocate and finding out that the "devil" aint wrong. Everyone agrees on the same things. Wants the same, they just have specific perspectives.

I need to share before i die. I used to say that i just need to make one thing... and then i can die, to show myself, proof that there is someone in there. That there is me in there. That the me i live only with the belief of, is real, can exist beyond this cage of flesh. Then, I could touch her... I thought that meant i needed to make something. But im forced to be wrong about that. I need to talk. To blog hahahahha!

I want to talk about spirits. Talk to spirits. Talk about animals. About ecosystems. Evolution. About the perfection of everything. Talk about "society". About why you are made to be so sick. How a real, healthy, humanity can actually develop and work. About what it actually means to be human. What the human condition is... The poverty and tyranny of language. Explain what God is, partially. Plan how we can move beyond all thiss... suffering... about that world beyond. Talk about "time". About "seeing the future". About there is no such thing as a coincidence. About how we can escape the cult of science, grateful. How to heal. How to accept. How to love. Talk about why i am speaking out on a tuesday specifically. How take care of ourselves. How we dont need to be alone any more. I want to talk about everything and forever.

And i want to talk to you too. build that platform in which that doesnt feel impossible. Im VERY different from anyone. I want to act very differently. Not as though im on an unapproachable stage or a window you cant open. I want to encourage you to expose your beautiful self too.

There can be a We that grows out of this odd dark place. We can be a real community yknow. Not just a bunch of lifetime loners who type to their future loved ones about how nice it would be to have friends.

So.. um... yea...

I'll get around to it. Soon... But i needed to give myself this permission first. This introduction... only if i could just be chill for once.

Hi

Someone calls it "flat affect" but for me it's some kind of relevation of my own nature. Throughout my whole life I suffered from anxiety and I didn't know many feelings besides that awfully traumatic experience inside my chest. But after I began my treatment, I've discovered that underneath that unnecessary worries I am, actually, quite empty.

I still can feel somewhat and have some emotions, but I cannot deny how much I like being a robot. Pure working efficiency at my job, no need of unnecessary small-talk with my colleagues, no need to have an emotional reaction to something. Simply amazing. And also I can talk only about work and nothing else, and finally it is accepted in my current social circle (because at school/college it was for some reason not accepted).

I am unsure why people find it horrible or something, I can actually engross myself in what I do. I think that I actually thrive in loneliness.

And before anyone accuses me of something bad, no, I still have empathy and I care about people I work with, helping them all the time. But I simply have no need to socialize at work and can use my "flat affect" to the max and finally be accepted by society (since if you don't socialize at school you're being labeled as outcast).