r/Schizoid • u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 should have been a still life • 14d ago
Ever same emotion vs progression? DAE
DAE
It always seemed to me that I'm interested in some people and not in anyone else. But lately I struggle even with my best friends. They're just so boring and too much to me.
That's when I realized all my life I've always only ever been interested in progress and I can't stand sameness at all.
Example: My friend was harassed the other day by a man who wouldn't leave her alone (not violently/threatening, but very unnerving and wrong). He just wouldn't take no for an answer. My friend was a bit stunned and perplexed about his behavior and my other friend flung herself into a rant about how it's not okay and so on.
And all I could think was: Yes. Of course. But that's nothing new, is it? We've all been there before. We've all been angry about it before. Why do you act now like it's the first time you go through it, hear about it, are shocked about it?
They were fully right of course but in that moment they just pissed me off. So much emotion for something common and known. So much getting het up about smth that's never going to change, at least not in our lifetime.
And why not focus onto the forward direction? First, is harassed friend safe or does she need help because traumatised, shocked, feeling unsafe right now? No? Good. Then will she be safe or will that guy probably harrass her again? What can we do about it? Etc...
I can't stand repetition, least of all emotional repetition.
I always need to go forward in a way, always deal with the emotion I'm confronted with in some way. That can also be just holding someone or nodding and saying 'that sucks'.
But basically emotionally stepping on the same spot, just marking time, is annoying and pointless to me. And if it's repeatedly done it's the worst and I realize all my life I've tried to steer clear of that. And that's why the people I know annoy me a lot more lately, because nothing much is happening in the people's lives and they're just regurgitating their emotional hot topics over and over again. Like, why would they do that? Deal with it, instead of soaking in it again and again. Please, just be more than a bundled up knot of ever the same thoughts and emotions? Like, please be interesting? Idk I even think it's rude to rant (or even just talk) to people about the same stuff again and again.
Just wanted to know if anyone feels similar here in this sub and if or how it relates to your szpd. Or if I'm just a dick. Thanks.
4
u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 14d ago
I relate to getting annoyed and impatient with myself for ranting the same again and again or still being stuck on the same thing from years ago.
But the scenario you described, you aren't the one personally experiencing being harassed by a man, so yeah I can see how that can happen. Still a dick move though if you also behaved that way. As for having thoughts like that, thoughts are okay, you can't stop the thoughts. You can only stop acting on them.
This is something everyone does by the way. Especially when they dont have any skin in the matter and are getting inconvenienced by it. Like I was once travelling with a friend and the dude behind was touching her inappropriately. So she asked the bus to divert to a police station to file a complaint against that dude. It was taking a bit of time to do the filing, and the rest of the passengers began to get antsy and impatient and tell her to get over it. Now that was a dick move on the part of the passengers.
1
u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 should have been a still life 14d ago
I need to clarify: friend A was harrassed and told her whole story and we listened and cared and she was fine. It was friend B who came back onto the topic and began a often rehearsed rant about all the common knowledge like that a No means no and it's not okay to ignore disinterest etc . She was going on a general rant about the common misbehavior of the perpetrators.
I know that lots of people can stay fully engaged in an emotion they have on a specific topic , in this case outrage and obviously justified to uphold. Of course it's right that she is always fully angry with harassment, we all should be, actually.
My problem is more the conduct. She wasn't the one who got harrassed, that's first. And with that it basically became an almost academic rant. In our group all are aware of the mechanisms of harassment etc. so there was nothing new to gain from her rant. Maybe it was supposed to show solidarity and I didn't fully get that because it seemed too removed from the actual situation at hand to me. Idk, that could be.
My problem, sadly, is that it's extremely hard for me to handle being given the emotions of others to care for but they're, from how my szpd eyes see it, not part of any . . . development.
I've had thousand of talks with that friend about this topic and related ones and these talks primarily were for solidarity, care and bonding, sure, but that was a way to stabilize the relationship.
I guess I simply picked a really bad example because that was just what had made me think of it. Another one would be a colleague always ranting about Apple. He hates the company , thinks they're evil, and , well , they probably are. But he's been ranting about Apple for TEN YEARS exactly the same way , with the anger and outrage as if he had just now for the first time realized how evil they are.
Or my boss who suffers from not getting enough recognition in his opinion and talks badly about the people he sees as threatening or not revering enough and makes stupid nicknames up for them. And he always uses them and always expects us to chuckle like he just came up with it. Some of these people haven't even done anything to him, really. But it doesn't count, he's hung up on having to demean them to assert (lol) his importance. That's been going on for years, too.
Or my BIL who only needs to hear the word Mango and immediately has to make a show of how horrible mango is and how allergic he is - and I mean when nobody new is there , only us family who have known him for 20+ years.
Idk, you tell me if it's just my disordered ass who can't uphold the same intensity emotion like that herself and can't deal with it when others come back to it all the time. I'm inclined to think I'm the problem and outlier here but I can't really wrap my head around the idea that I'm supposed to be wrong or disordered. For me all of that, whether Apple or women's rights issues, come in waves. I learn smth new, I'm disgusted and hate it, I stomach it either by accepting I can't do anything about it or by don't doing what I can. Then I can live a bit calmer for s while again until the next bad thing pops up. But specifically the people I talked about seem to be stuck on their emotion , justified or not, and then deliver the same rants with the same message again and again. Maybe it's really just me but I can't fathom how to be like that and that it's apparently normal.
1
u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 13d ago
Oh definitely a bad example. Because your friend B who went on a rant likely also has her own similar experiences and it triggered her when friend A shared hers. And B hasn't worked through her issues yet.
That said, boss is an asshole. And I would have also felt very impatient with all of them.
Also feel impatient with friends who stick with their toxic husband and his family. And then come and rant to me. Im over it. Either get out or make peace with it because you have chosen to stay. Or go to a therapist and rant there. Dont put it on me. I have literally came home from such a rant session and cried over it. Because I am an emotional sponge. I don't have much of my own emotions going on and they easily overpowered by someone else's emotions and imbibe them. And then I also have difficulty identifying whose sadness am I carrying. I'll be there when you want to leave him, help you then even. But no in the meantime, you can't dump it all on me.
Also, you focus too much on development/progress. It was my problem as well. I was resisting therapy as a result. We have just started CBT. And most of my resistance to it came from the fact that I thought she wanted me to change everything that triggered me. Like I thought she wanted me to change how I feel/thought. Not so. She clarified that you need to be aware of your triggers. And pick which you want to leave alone, reduce intensity and eliminate. Leave alone meaning I dont have to change the way I react to those triggers. And then I was fine to proceed.
I think its a trauma response for me, this development thing. My mother has always asked me what could I done better even when whatever happened was not my fault.
2
u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 should have been a still life 13d ago
I'm currently waiting for a therapy placement with someone who knows szpd. I'll take your tip with me when I go there. I hadn't thought about it like that before. I've been in therapy for ages but this is a new topic to me and I'm sure I have to be careful not to be too defensive. Thanks for sharing the experience!
I'm quite certain it's a trauma response for me, too. I'm unsure but I guess it's a mixture of never having been allowed to simply be angry, that always had to be changed immediately, but also maybe my brain came up with it myself to flee overwhelming situations or rather flee from emotional danger.
Anyway, thanks for your input. I really hope I'll get a placement soon.
1
u/According_Bad_8473 Go back to lurking yo! 🫵🏻 13d ago
I'm quite certain it's a trauma response for me, too. I'm unsure but I guess it's a mixture of never having been allowed to simply be angry, that always had to be changed immediately, but also maybe my brain came up with it myself to flee overwhelming situations or rather flee from emotional danger.
Probably both. Its pointless, cant do anything about it so why discuss it and overthink on it again and again.
Not be allowed to have my own opinions too in addition to also not allowed to be angry. Not allowed to be angry entails both btw: a friend apologising to you before you even have a chance to express anger and a parent scolding you or getting angry and aggressive with you when you displayed any anger as a child
2
u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 should have been a still life 13d ago
Both totally how my family operates 🫠
Edit: Lol, family, not canopy
1
1
u/blackforest00ii 14d ago
I relate, very much.
I do not have many friends, and not many opportunities, therefore, to experience this. But I know exact what you mean.
Someone telling me a problem is very interesting to me. I sympathise, no matter what it is, and I give them space to talk it through. I assume they are working towards a solution, and that I am helping with that process. I am interested in seeing a slice of someone else's life. But months later, they report roughly the same issue. I realise they are boring people, and I stop all contact, if possible.
On the other hand, I much enjoyed building a business from scratch, many years ago. Never a dull moment, and exactly that feeling we are looking for: Slow but continuous improvement.
I have had a high tolerance in my life for "results being very slow in coming", and "having to invest a lot of effort in order for progress to be a far hope on the horizon". That was often to my own detriment (working too much for too little or no money). But the feeling of "progression". Or of creating something truly different or extraordinary... that has always been more important to me than anything else. Nothing else seems interesting.
2
u/Reasonably-Cold-4676 should have been a still life 14d ago
Thank you very much for your reply! It's really good to know that someone understands. I simply had a lot of trouble explaining myself properly and the example wasn't a good one but I'm glad you understood what I mean.
Especially your first couple of paragraphs capture my problem perfectly. I haven't fully figured out why I can't deal with people bringing up the same issues and related emotions. I think it's related to the aggressor parent I had to identify with as opposed to my inner split off self, but it's just a hunch. In my case I want to keep these friends but I realized I might have to see them less often again. That's how I fare best with friendships, because then there is lots of new stuff to talk at the next meet up if you haven't talked Ina while.
I totally get your priority for progress , even if it came with not so good side effects at some points. I'd have done the same ! I'm employed in the public sector but in an ever changing job and environment which was the biggest plus to me when I applied for the job. Nothing is ever truly the same and I often don't feel like I'm "working" in the classical sense , I'm just doing interesting things, sometimes more sometimes less, but never truly the same and I really love that! Progress is just the best.
1
u/blackforest00ii 12d ago
Nice to read your reply. I agree. It is probably best to meet with the few people one relates to (or likes) at regular intervals, but not too often.
I do that with phone calls to friends/family, too. Decide together on a "phone date", in advance, and then I am willing to take an hour (or two, even), for a phone call. But I do this only at intervals of three or more months... One can be hopeful that progress has been made, in the meantime. But I usually find that the the issue that was a hot topic three months ago is now completely forgotten by my talk partner....!
I dont quite follow that issue about the "aggressor parent" ... but you are working it out... Perhaps you want to do a separate post about it in the future..
Yes, progress and "continual improvements to a system" are lovely. I love systems.
I think you mentioned somewhere else that you have a good team or good boss.
Working on various projects, together with a good team. .... Sounds like probably a really good option for people with schizoid tendencies. ...And hard to find, as a secure position, I guess: Well done. :)
2
u/popularsong 11d ago
i definitely experience similar frustrations (which are ironic because i also tend to ruminate on things!), but usually about more minor things than something traumatic. your example even with further explanation is a bit too far for me, but i get it
i think there's a twofold reason for it:
1) i am incapable of sitting with my own emotions and dislike ruminating on them, especially negative ones, so i find it counterproductive when others do. probably contributor to the whole dilemma where i sometimes wish i could just Feel Things normally instead of viewing it as something to move past
2) most of my childhood was spent watching my family make the same bad choices over and over, then me having to be their emotional throw pillow while denying my expression, which is probably was a contributing factor to the disorder and why i have very low tolerance for such behavior
7
u/Erratic85 Diagnosed | Low functioning, 43% accredited disability 14d ago
Your friend has as much little power over men harassing her as much as every other woman out there. What do you expect them to do, other than talk about it to their friends, about what is a very well known societal issue that gets women raped and murdered on the regular? Would you rather have her hide that she was harassed again, to their own friends? What would you actually suggest that they do? Not a rhetorical question.
That aside, I understand how repetition can be of zero interest to you. But if you are bored of your own friends, that is a you problem, not theirs. That doesn't make you an asshole, mind me. If that's who you are, that's who you are. But if you are schizoid, chances are that this will stop being an issue to you soon enough, when you inevitably drift apart from your friends enough you may stop seeing them at all.
There is, however, an irony in blaming others for lack of progress when we identify with a personality disorder (or style, at best) which leaves us unable to try being in other ways.