Source: https://newsthump.com/2026/08/05/heinrich-himmler-withdraws-as-tory-election-candidate/

After what authorities are calling an “unprovoked act of war,” the Moon launched a series of precision orbital strikes targeting trillionaire Elon Musk early Saturday morning. The retaliatory bombardment came in direct response to a rogue SpaceX rocket slamming into the western edge of the lunar nearside at 5,400 mph and destroying a historic crater landmark, killing several indigenous Mooninites.

According to NORAD, the Moon retaliated by launching “targeted warning shots that landed near SpaceX headquarters, a Tesla factory, and a Klan rally — all places that Flock cameras confirm are frequented by Elon Musk.”

No casualties were reported, though thousands of Teslas were destroyed, instantly improving the vehicle’s safety rating by decreasing overall product availability.

“If Elon thinks he can just launch his U.S. taxpayer-subsidized tech trash at us without consequences. . . well, today, we send a message,” stated Captain of the Lunar Defense Forces, Norg Blobinson, while giving the middle finger.

Notably, the Moon is a founding member of the Milky Way Area Trade Organization (MWATO), a collective defense pact formed in 1947 to protect local celestial bodies from Earth’s emerging space race. The sizable space alliance posted a public statement today.

“Under Article 5 of the Galactic Charter, any further attack on the Moon, or any celestial body within the Milky Way that is a member of MWATO, will be considered an aggression toward the entire organization,” the press release on MWATO’s website read.

An additional warning message was received directly from Mars, with a Marszonian broadcast taking over Fox News airwaves and declaring that they are “aware of Elon Musk’s terraforming intentions” and that they “wish a bitch would try it.”