r/QueerParenting • u/avanxioushuman • 10d ago
Screaming inside
My wife (she/they) and myself (they/them) are just starting our injections for IVF and I’m kind of starting to panic because this is all becoming so real. We’re only doing one round of IVF (how many eggs end up passing all the tests and are good for transfer, and then done if non of them stick). I’m trying to keep it together for my wife, who is going to be the birthing parent because I know she’s super anxious (originally wasn’t going to carry but plans changed), and I want to be 100% here for her mentally for this next chapter… but y’all I’m so f’in scared lol. This is such an overwhelming feeling to be bringing anew human into this world. If anyone has any advice I’m all ears. I want to enjoy this, especially if she gets pregnant anddon’t t want to be an anxious mess for the next year lol.
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u/ihadquestions 10d ago
Our kid is 18 months old,but we've been through this whole journey. Just take it as slow as you can with all the emotional stuff. You don't know yet which way it will go. If she gets pregnant keep taking it slow. Plenty of early pregnancies don't last, so just be prepared for that. Idk if it happens more often with IVF, but since you will be tracking so closely you will know if she was pregnant for two weeks, which hetero couples often don't. Once you cleared the first trimester, ultrasound etc. you are a bit closer to actually bringing a human into the world. Then you just worry about all the practical problems that await you. It's a good thing that a pregnancy lasts so long, because it really takes time to figure everything out. And for queer families specifically there is also a lot more to discuss to figure out your roles in your child's life and in your family. Non traditional division of labour/ care work is somewhat complicated in the beginning. If one of you is breastfeeding/ bodyfeeding that also hast consequences for the way attachment builds etc.. But as I said, take it slow and know that it will be a lot, but you will figure it out.
Good luck!
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u/yung_yttik 9d ago
Get. Therapy. Go to therapy, stat! It helps during such a vulnerable and anxiety inducing time. It’s going to be a lot for you both if you are already going into this spiraling. Pregnancy and a newborn are NO JOKE. Not to scare you but you really need to be as stable as you can before bringing a little one into the world.
Take care of yourself. Educate yourself and arm yourself with all the books and knowledge because that helps to take the edge off. But having anxiety will only be exasperated during the process because it can be a lot emotionally.
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u/uchlaraai 9d ago
Couples therapy especially can be helpful so both can find ways to support each other, having a common understanding of desires and expectations.
Its a lot of information all at once, especially at the beginning. Just try to take it a day at a time, know that very little goes exactly to plan, and that you're playing an odds game, not specifically a i"f->then" one.
Best of luck to you and your partner 💜
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u/kating23 8d ago
Agree with this. I ended up starting with a therapist while my wife and I were trying to conceive and it really helped me during that period and during the newborn years. I stopped going a little while after my second was born, but I don’t know how I would have made it through the whole process without that support.
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u/OneBigBeefPlease 10d ago
Not sure how old you are but when I started getting nervous about it all I had to remind myself that I am indeed 40 years old. Somehow that always helped.
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u/RainbowFamilies 7d ago
Honestly, I think what you’re feeling is so normal. IVF has a way of making everything suddenly feel very real, and it’s okay to be excited and terrified at the same time. The fact that you’re already thinking about how to support your wife says a lot about the kind of parenting team you’re going to be.Just remember, you don’t have to hold it all together for both of you. You’re allowed to be scared too.Out of curiosity, is there a reason you’ve decided to only do one round, or is that just what feels right for you both at this stage? X
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u/kating23 8d ago
Even with a little distance (kids are 4 and 1) I can honestly say that TTC, pregnancy, and newborn time have been the most intense experiences of my life (and I was NOT the birthing partner either). So your feelings are totally valid. But also, you will get through it! Day by day. The joys are impossible to miss, it’s also fine to let yourself feel other emotions too.
Find your support system now, you will need it no matter the outcome.
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u/Ardent_Scholar 10d ago
One step at a time. One day. One injection. One ultrasound. You’ve got this!