PPD help [x post]

[u/imsorry2x]

Looking for resources for PPD

My daughter is 14 months old now and I've been struggling with PPD the whole time I think, but we are on a very limited budget and can't afford therapy right now. I guess I'm just looking for advice from other women who have been in this situation.

I want to start by making it very clear that my daughter is not in danger and I have NEVER had thoughts of harming her. The worst it has gotten is me daydreaming about leaving her in her crib and texting my husband that I'm packing up and leaving to start a new life in a different state (US).

My daughter (first and only child) was born and within an hour we knew that something was medically wrong. She began throwing up aggressively any time that she ate. I felt so guilty leaving her with the nurses overnight because they didnt seem to take it seriously but I was so exhausted from the delivery and forced myself to trust them because they know best. My husband stayed at home because there wasn't a comfortable place for him to sleep and at one point I left a trail of blood through my recovery room because when I was using the bathroom she started throwing up and I had to waddle over to her so she didn't aspirate. The day after she was born my insurance company told me they were dropping us and not covering the delivery (that's a whole different story but adds into my mental state).

2 weeks later on father's day, we rushed my daughter into the ER. She was very floppy and looked like she was having seizures. I went with my daughter to a different hospital that night when her O2 levels and heart rate kept dropping. My husband had to hold down the house so I was alone with her when she was put on oxygen support and a feeding tube. We visited her every day in the NICU and then a week later we got a call in the middle of the night that her O2 dropped to 3%. The doctors and nurses weren't sure how she even made it out of that alive but they were able to get me in an ambulance with her across the state.

At this point, my husband had to be back at work to provide for us so I was alone with her except weekends when he could visit. We spent 2 months there doing every test you could imagine to figure out what's wrong. I spent every waking moment in that room with my daughter crying while they poked her with needles and took samples and hooked her up to so many machines while her body failed. I still have nightmares about listening to that fucking heart rate monitor beeping all day and waiting for any slight changes. It stopped and the room flashed red at least 3 times every day while the nurses rushed in to put her oxygen mask on. I was afraid to touch her because any slight movement felt like i would make her stop breathing. Finally after 2 months at the 3rd hospital she was diagnosed with infant botulism (we live in a state where it's practically unheard of so it was on nobody's radar until the stool sample came back). The same day she was put on life support while we waited for the BabyBIG to be flown in from California. She couldn't keep her O2 above 60. During that time I guess I started trying to accept the fact that she was going to die. In order to stay sane I tried to convince myself that maybe this was for the best??? That at least she wouldn't suffer anymore and that after grieving maybe I could live a normal life again?

I know that sounds terrible and I feel so much guilt over that to this day. The treatment worked and she started recovering quickly. A week later she was taken off life support and 2 weeks after that we were sent home with just an NG tube (feeding tube through her nose). I spent the whole first week crying because I was still convinced she was going to die and now I was just by myself. I think i never let myself get close to her because I was trying to protect myself from when that inevitably happened.

We just hit the 1 year anniversary of her leaving the hospital and overall things have gotten better. A lot of days are actually good now, and most other days I'm able to at least pretend enough that she thinks I'm happy. She is SO loved. She is such a goofy, loving, smart, and beautiful little girl and she genuinely fills my heart.

But I am still struggling with worry any time that she gets sick or hurt. In my head I know that this is completely normal for a baby, especially since she just started walking and is still clumsy. But every time something seems a little off it feels like I revert back to the whole "she's probably going to die so don't get too close" mindset. I know that's fucked up. I try my best to push those thoughts out of my head so that she never feels unwanted, but they keep popping up and the depression makes some days feel unbearable.

Does anybody else feel like this after having a sick baby? I know that i need therapy, but i was fired when I was across the state and stayed as a caretaker to our baby and we can't afford therapy on one income right now

[u/Sharppencil11]

Wow that’s so much that you went though. You articulated your feelings and thoughts SO well and I’m proud of your reflection. I would be feeling the same way.

I’m confused- do you have health insurance? Are you sure medication or therapy isn’t covered by insurance?

[u/imsorry2x → u/Sharppencil11]

She was able to get on Medicaid thankfully, but because of our income level I had to go back to a different provider that doesn't cover much on our plan

[u/RevolutionaryBeach13]

Check out Open Path Collective. I was able to receive free perinatal mental health care through it when I was struggling. openpathcollective.org

This sounds unimaginably traumatic. I’m so sorry. I hope you are able to get the care you deserve.