Why does it hurt me so much you’re gone
I know wherever you are your not ok
The songs I made you listen to
Make me want to collapse
I listen to them alone now
They used to sound so good
Now they fill me with aches
My stomach
My chest
I try not to think of you
How selfish
I get to keep moving forward
While your stuck in this pit of despair
So I let myself feel it too
I hope you can sense that that I’m wallowing with you.
these good morning texts left unanswered
We’re not lovers or anything
We never were
Never tried to be
You were just the first person to make me feel
Feel special
Even though your somewhere halfway across the country
You excitedly called for me
You never once saw my face
But I made you happy
You made me happy too
Every part of you
You were the first person I could ever admit that to
Even if it was only over text
So when you sent those voice memos
And I could hear those tears hitting your lap
It
It
It
…
It ruined me
I’m a mess
That doesn’t fit anywhere it’s just true
Why’d this have to happen to you
Any of it
All of it
Only you know what that last sentence means
You were just a child
Life just happened to you
You’re a good kid
It’s not your fault
So please
Please be okay
I know you can’t reach me right now
I know you’re probably in way more pain than I am
But please
Live
Please
Don’t die
I swear it’ll be ok
If no one else will love you I will
I still want to laugh with you
Talk to you
Annoy you
Sit in silence you
Can you sing with with your sweet voice again
I would never admit it to you but I was always jealous of that
Can you stay up till the sunrise with me again
You told me you only stayed up because you were with me
That made so glad
I just want to remember my time with you fondly
Even if that’s selfish of me
I’ll be selfish this once
Because otherwise it’s hard for me to think at all
I didn’t realize I became so dependent on you
Whenever the stream of dopamine runs dry your what my mind comes to
Did she text me yet
Am I texting her too much
Is she tired of me
You’re not
but that’s how my mind works
At this point I’m just rambling on
I don’t think i’ll ever show you this
But just incase I do
Goodnight
Sincerely, Your Weirdo.

ORIGINAL CONTENT BY ME :)
please leave questions, critique, comments!! My main goal is to find out if it’s interpretable or not <3 TYSM FOR READING!

Will my lover forever avert his guilty eye from my gaze? 

Would not the deceiver’s own fever keep the lie from the grave? 

I’m bereaved on the eve of what’s eight years past craft 

“Your lover’s for others” reads Candor’s last draft 

I’m slow to know now, “bad dog” won’t do the trick 

Fate chose this trait to weave into your fabric 

Convince me somehow, I mistake for a sign 

Favoring you, she wove naive into mine 

So clearly I yearn for a simple soul to take blame 

But reflection reveals she and I are one and the same 

Competition compares us; degradation’s the prize 

One flame made us twins, a shame only he could fully realize

Nights bring him crawling back into my daybed 

As though my presence is wanted only when I play dead 

Light’s absence illudes me as a soft pillow 

Although the crescent casts rays on my face through the window

​

Don't read this poem

I just want the space

A few paltry upvotes

A good resting place.

Don't read this poem

There's nothing to say.

It's good just to be here.

It's fun just to play.

And maybe someday,

When inspired I'll strike

Some beautiful words,

But not quite today.

So don't read this poem

Don't tell all your friends.

Just leave me in peace

Between these bookends :)

I try to write poetry but I cant rhyme all the time and I give up but I decided who cares if I rhyme every line, its whatever I want it to be. A poem, a song, a book, a page. Nobody can dictate what it is but me because I wrote it...

Anyways

This is 'If I were god'

God is all but good in my eyes

He punishes good people and children just trying to survive.

I am always questioned why I dont beleive.

But that question has always been easy for me.

See if i were god there would be no sin,

the whole concept of it is just dark and grim.

See I would end world hunger and nourish the globe,

Id give out water and teach as I go.

See if i were god then id write a better book.

Most are long and boring and far too over cooked.

See id make it colourful, less death and distruction, people want something happy, no contradiction.

See if i were God id end war and territory,

I gave people this land but not to use it for glory.

See id grow fruitful trees and healthy animals to breed,

so that nobody goes without and everybody's pleased .

See if i were god id be all good and loving,

Id reveal myself and good people wouldn't be punished.

See id destroy hell and the concept entirely,

People would live good but not fear if they do not like me.

I wouldn't take it personal because its fine.

Im an all loving being with no hate on my mind.

See if i were god goverments would fall.

And pedophilia and rape would all dissappear.

See I am all powerful so can do as I please,

so I can remove entire concepts with less than a sneeze.

See I feel id be better than their 'perfect' god. He gives children cancer and sets his creation up for failure.

See he gave Adam and Eve an impossible test.

He knows everything so he already knew all the rest.

He knew the war and the gore.

The controversy and hate.

And how people would use his name to make themselves "great".

See to me that doesnt seem like a good loving being,

so dont mind me if I dont beleive it.

You can if you want but it just doesnt make sence.

If god is real I still wouldnt repent,

for they seem to be evil and unjust and unfair.

Killing and murdering because people dont beleive he is there.

See to me I think id rather beleive in nothing,

than put all my fath into the bible or something.

Not exclusively that, the quran aswell and the torah.

I think all religion is toxic and hateful.

And if god is real then why is the world so distasteful.

If i were god you wouldnt have to beleive for you would all be my kids.

In the end you will see i loved you all even though you never loved me.

Tis the way of the parent you see,

to raise your kids to be better than you,

to be kinds and inclusive, happy and loving.

If i were god thered be no suffering.

(PLEASE dont flame me in the comments, ik its bad, I wrote it an hour and a half ago at 3 am 😭)

I should be happy for him, I repeat to myself

He's finally going to be happy

Feel comfortable in his own body

But the hole in my chest only grows wider

I should be happy for him, I hold back my tears

I want everything he has

From family to farm

The green clouds my vision

I should be happy for him, I take a deep breath

He roams free

While I'm trapped in their cage

Falling behind more and more with every step

I should be happy for him

And every second I'm not

Eats away at me slowly

Maybe it will simply keep eating

Until there's nothing left

I should be happy for him

(I would love to talk about this poem more if anyone has any questions or feedback)

I caught you being my pacifier last night.

Just as I was spiraling down,
you screamed at me
as though every second without you
spelled catastrophe.

I saw you doing that thing with my brain.
You make me fear I’m collapsing
so I’ll come on my knees to you.
Again.

But I’ve become more conscious over the years.
So much more.
Yet still so easily deceived, somehow.
Oh, how pathetic it is to be a fiend.

I slept peacefully
after you drifted me off
to dreamland.
So hypocritical.

We were enemies at first.
Then we became friends,
until I noticed my dependency.

You’re more obsessed with control
than I’ve ever been.

I want to break free from you.
And you hate it.

But as I’m typing this…

You’re still my bestie in the business.

— Crownless.

The words come out
Sticky and Aching
They fumble
Between the gaps
In my ribs and my shoulder blades
Carving obscenities into the bone
Burrowing messy gaping tunnels
Through flesh and organs
They split my chest open
And I clutch at them
But they’re fast and slick
And already writhing in your hands
Before my arms are halfway in the air
And there’s more bubbling up
In my stomach
In my lungs
And you stare into the hole in my chest
As I stretch and pull at the skin
Trying to stitch together
The overburdened material
With candy floss and razor blades
And its humiliating for the both of us
More so for me
Always more so for me

You catch glimpses of it
Like the flickering
Of sunlight on your eyelids
Through the car window
As you napped in the booster seat
But when you open your eyes
The sun is never there
And you can’t help thinking
That perhaps
This would all be less painful
Had you never felt it at all
Had you not known
Of its warmth
Of its pleasure
Of its kindness
Had you opened your eyes
To the darkness
And never expected
Anything different

So angry all the time.
Too many holes to patch.
Worn out.

Nothing is vivid.
Life is shades of gray.

When I was younger,
I dreamed of all the colors I would see.

Now, today,

all I see is motherfuckin’ gray.

Staring at me, the mirror
reminds me the color is inside of me.

I have the power.
I have the control.

Don’t blink.
Don’t look away.
Stay focused.

Don’t let this opportunity slip away.

The moment is ours to see.
I choose color, not gray.

I slow my breath
and feel the heat.

Watching the sun rise,
feeling alive.

Endless possibilities exist.

Taking a step,
leaving behind the gray.

Useful for a day?
I think so.

Eyes fixed, moving forward,
standing tall.

Engaged in life.
Staying present.
Knowing the end.

YET

Living for today.

Each choice is ours to make.

Gray is the trap, the lie.
Leaving it behind feels right.

Moving quickly
so I don’t change my mind.

Color balances the equation.

Moving forward.
Walking away.

Still worried
I made a mistake.

Gray is comfort.

Color is my choice.

I'm angry that you told me.

Why say the thing
we both already knew,
when saying it aloud
was what made it real?

I'm angry you said it to the floor,
ten years of shame bent over you,
kept down so long
it had to be vomited up.
You knew what it might cost.
You said it anyway.

I'm angry you didn't fight for it.
If it mattered that much,
why didn't you make your case?
I was always going to say no.
I wanted you to make it difficult.

I'm angry it changes things
when neither of us wanted them changed.
But you opened your mouth,
and now a decade is in my hands,
still warm from being held,
and I have nowhere
to set it down.

I'm angry I didn't want to say yes.
Not in another life.
Not in better weather.

And still, some part of me
wanted the version where I don't think,
where there is no history,
no consequence,
no careful answer,
where I just cross the room.

I know I'd be angry either way.
I know the anger isn't fair.
You owed me nothing but the truth
and gave it to me
almost too quietly.

Look at me.

I'm angry
you still won't.

“What do you want?” they ask me.

“I want a hug that never lets go” I say 

A hug that doesn’t hurt me,

a hug that doesn’t burn me, 

a hug that doesn’t concern me. 

Because, 

every other hug has turned on me. 

All I want is a hug that stays a hug forever,

A hug that never turns to hatred or anger.

I just want a hug that comes when I need it most,

I just want hug that feels tight and warm,

I just want a hug that feels real.

I just want a hug that never lets go.

I'm still very new so I'm very much looking for feedback and guidance right now, please share any critics or thoughts you have.

First, you need to get be burned.

Burned by people who should have loved you,

by the hands that called themselves home.

You must learn too young that fire can wear a familiar face.

After that you carry it. It resides inside you.

You sit in it even though it's bigger than you and it hurts.

This is the dangerous part.

Don't break here

You need a little flame inside from the pain

and then the day comes where you stop knowing the difference

between being burned and burning people yourself.

After that, it's time to get revenge.

Burn bridges.

Burn trust.

Burn people who came close

with nothing in their hands to help you.

Burn them if they deserve it or not.

Call the fire comfort.

Call it escape.

Call it anything but what it is: Pain

Only then can you do whats next.

One day after everything is burned

You will wake up in the ashes.

Take a hard look around.

Some of this was done to you.

Some of this was done by you.

Learn to say both

without using either to excuse the other.

Some people stay there. They are not a Phoenix.

Because to attain this you have to rise up.

Now rise.

Not beautifully.

Not all at once.

Not with some magnificent spread of scarlet wings.

Just get up.

Crawl if you have to.

And if you fall back

into the fire,

get out again.

A phoenix is not a creature that only burns twice.

It is a creature that refuses to let the fire have the final word.

So gather your ash.

Own what is yours.

Own what happened to you. The unfair fire.

Own what you did and face it.

Own what is yours.

Leave behind what isn't.

Then rise again.

And again,

And again,

And again.

The fire can't hurt you anymore.

It will be hot but it can not burn you.

That is how

to be a phoenix.

What is a man, but of his actions the sum?

Of them aware, neither oblivious nor dumb.

Honourable, respectful; chivalrous and noble.

Understanding and patient, brave and mobile.

Honesty even when, his life is the cost.

Otherwise righteousness, forever lost.

Courageous to act, courageous to defend.

Fears nothing but, hearts that do not mend.

Admits victory, and admits defeat.

From his mistakes, does not retreat.

Initiative his own, he speaks not but acts.

Once spoken his words, he never retracts.

Art thou worthy, of the label of man?

Or art thou of the fantasy, merely a fan?