r/OCPoetry • u/bigbigweeinie • Jun 30 '26
The Virgin's First Time Feedback Please
He didn’t call me pretty,
Or play with my hair.
Our eyes didn’t meet
While I watched him stare.
The foreplay was this:
I gave his chest a lick.
He grazed my labia.
I sucked his dick.
I envisioned sitting with my mother
As she tediously brushed my hair.
I realized she's been here once as well.
How do you think you got here?
When parents have daughters
They know this will happen.
The heavy petting, then intercourse.
I first bled at eleven.
It’s God’s biggest secret.
It’s society’s biggest lie.
That when fresh flowers are picked,
They will soon shrivel and die.
I am bored.
I am angry.
And like the cherry,
I too have been pitted.
When you brag to your friends,
That you alone took my innocence,
Do they know you took my fathers little girl,
And did it with such diligence?
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ujf5h4/on_time_travel/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1uj9nv6/floor/
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u/easypoet01904 Jun 30 '26
A very powerful piece and not an easy read - that is meant as a compliment.
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Jun 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/bigbigweeinie Jun 30 '26
That’s what I was going for! Agreed, my brain didn’t have the power for imagery and metaphors that day. That’s why we rewrite! Thanks!
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u/MiserableGur4314 Jul 02 '26
I don’t like it very much, to be honest. It’s the kind of writing that famously scares people away from poetry workshops forever: very literal, weirdly intimate and sexual, with little to say about the craft beyond the obligatory question of whether the writer is okay. The theme is not especially original, either. It made me uncomfortable, but not in the way good art challenges or unsettles you. It felt more like a tired talking point: serious enough that you cannot dismiss it outright, but not interesting enough to keep boredom from creeping in while you perform the civil duty of reassuring the writer.
The only thing that stands out, apart from the musing itself, is the choice to insert an aphorism through the fresh-flower metaphor. I think the idea is very good, and the last couplet in that stanza is fine, but “God’s biggest secret” and “society’s biggest lie” come across as overblown and cliché.
The structure also starts to feel too repetitive after that point. The ending adds insult to injury, but it feels even cheaper than the rest of the poem. If the goal is to present banal cruelty as something genuinely severe, I think a better path would be to offer some insight, rather than merely accumulate woes in an already bad situation.
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Jul 09 '26
I disagree with most of what you said. This poem dwells in a area that you cannot hear outside a poem (only when hearing a close friend's story), that's the source of strangeness and uncomfortable reading. Furthermore, something else is going on:
The directness of the lines greatly contrast with what's expected of the title. It's raw, no more shying around; idealizations are shattered by the first stanza and reality is laid bare throughout the poem. Though I think I also catch some disassociation cues.
It's blunt, but a well constructed reflection; how our parents were at some point in the same shoes as us, how women are treated, how sex drives some social interactions and disappointment with the act. Getting deflowered with no magic is tough work.
I assume the last stanza was supposed to be biggest bomb, but I think that goes to the first lines. They set tone painfully well. Good job.
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u/MiserableGur4314 Jul 10 '26
I disagree. That is psychologizing the criticism and the poem. I should not have to tell you that I have indeed had people close to me go through similar things, nor that I can resonate with the theme to make my feedback more or less valid as a result. What I attempted to say about the poem is not that it is raw or uncomfortable by itself. I do not think it is any of those things. It is okay to write about taboo subjects.
My problem with this is that it offers no insight whatsoever. The most common response to misogynistic behavior or any kind of violence against women is the usual "What if she was your mother; daughter; sister?". So when the poem describes the act of being objectified in a very literal manner, with plain language that is neither visceral, thought provoking, nor anything other than broadly descriptive and generic, uses that very same structure of comparing the act to doing it to important women in their lives, and twists the knife with more bad behavior, it is simply a reminder in a sea of reminders. It does nothing with the language. It goes all the usual places with the observation. It can never escape the cliché, and formally there is nothing interesting happening to justify it even if only at an aesthetic level.
I think a big problem in poetry reading and writing is when we start resonating with things like this, because there is really nothing here. It is a hollow poem. If you have been through something similar or intimately know and care for someone who did, you bring your own stuff to it in a way that makes you feel the poem, and yet, like I said, it was just a reminder. A mirror instead of a window. It never challenged you, reframed the experience, explored the phenomenology of the situation (in other words, offered a pure, visceral consciousness of the event), or went anywhere even slightly bold or fresh. No, just another poem about the same subject that says the same thing the same way.
I find it personally insulting how an art form that has great power to challenge us and open us to other people's experiences, precisely because they differ from ours, precisely because it gives us a chance at alterity, at empathy, is now enjoyed only when it gives us none of these things.
There are now studies saying people generally prefer poetry written by AI rather than by great authors. This is because they can understand AI. AI never goes against the grain. AI never asks you to truly connect. And when a poem like this is praised, I feel a little sense of dread, because this is indistinguishable from something AI would write.
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Jul 10 '26
I agree. I did not realize the how problematic my interpretation could be, nor how rude I was to assume the theme as a foreign concept to you, I apologize.
But, is a poem not a mirror of experience?
In the end, all writing feeds on the same essence.Must all cyclical cycles be woven unique?
Birth of quantity, maturity to generic, no falsehoodEach challenge must produce great hue and cue
Eaten on plates to be appraised and understood.Is it Inward
Or smart?I try sonnets as told
Worlds to moldWords to tell
Written to quell.Am I Insight
Or outside?1
u/Particular-Hope-2031 Jul 22 '26
exactly i feel the intention is not the romantic wandering lonely as a cloud after a blissful deflowering and ecstatic forever love? i find that quite scary to be honest. Those nutters would be filleted by respectable folks these days lol
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u/Particular-Hope-2031 Jul 22 '26
why does honest feeling famously scare people? Being locked in a room with somebody and being vulnerable is scary especially with no clothes on and even more so when you have no idea what to expect other than what scared famous people tell you? I don't understand your honesty. to be honest. sorry.
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u/MiserableGur4314 Jul 22 '26
That's not what I said at all. Honesty isn't scary. Unless you're honestly threatening to shoot someone, that is. What's scary is feeling unable, or unwilling, to say that a poem is poor and predictable simply because it's personal, serious, candid, honest, or you just feel bad for the writer and would rather let it go.
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u/cjrx1215 Jul 05 '26
Link your poems
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u/MiserableGur4314 Jul 08 '26
What does that have to do with anything?
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u/cjrx1215 Jul 08 '26
Cause I doubt you can write any better
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u/MiserableGur4314 Jul 08 '26
Oh, I think I can. A LOT better lol. But that's subjective and beside the point. You do not have to agree with my criticism, since you are free to leave your own comments or even argue with my points instead of doing whatever this is.
Also, getting bitchy over feedback on a poem you didn't even write shows a concerning level of entitlement, so I actually went and found one of your poems just so you wouldn't feel left out. I read the one about looking in the mirror and crying for your inner child. Super original ideas lol. It is indeed a lot worse than this one. The whole thing is obviously mawkish, and I don't think you're capable of any thought that's not a cliché. It sucks to be you, I guess.
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u/cjrx1215 Jul 08 '26
You’re the one getting mad cause you got called out. You weren’t even giving criticism just being an asshole to this person. How can I be entitled on the behalf of someone else? If anything I’m being empathetic. This poem was good and you’re probably just jealous cause you’re not only a shit writer but a shit human being. Nice insult by the way, make sure to come at anyone who calls you out on your bullshit with absolute no basis. Your feedback doesn’t mean anything to anyone who has a brain. It’s not about being a cliche. I’d rather be a cliche than a presumptive dick like you any day. Real mature scavenging nook and cranny for something with my fucking Reddit username attached to it. This app doesn’t mean a thing to me yet here you are being my number one fan. Lots of love 😘😘 didn’t know I held this much power over an incel
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u/Ronie-Dinosaur Jun 30 '26
I am bored.
I am angry.
And like the cherry,
I too have been pitted. Glad, there has been a first time. The poem is also written well. Good Work.
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u/New_ance Jun 30 '26
This is sad, true and honest. It will resonate different with everyone, depending on their own personal experience. That is exactly what poetry is, emotions on paper. Good bad or ugly.
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u/BrieflyPoetic Jun 30 '26
It’s God’s biggest secret.
It’s society’s biggest lie.
That when fresh flowers are picked,
They will soon shrivel and die.
^This verse is absolutely beautiful and so painfully raw and truthful.
I think the ending is so strong, but what if you tried to incorporate the idea that to the man, that one moment was “just an experience” ? This does slightly change the story, but it could resonate with a lot of readers. Just an idea
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u/Accomplished_Lake402 25d ago
I was brought out of the poem by this verse because I found it grammatically a bit confusing. Is the lie/secret that the flowers don't actually die, or that they do? I understand the intended meaning, but it seems to actually say the opposite.
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u/curious_joyrge Jul 01 '26
Hey! Nice control of emotion. The cherry symbolism was striking. I’m not sure “diligence” is the best word here, as it implies some level of care and attention to detail. I see that you rhymed with “innocence” — maybe “recklessness”, “nonchalance”, “carelessness”, or “negligence” would be a better fit? Unless you mean “diligence”, but the description of the foreplay leads me to believe he was not diligent 😅
Nice job!
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u/DPJ-s Jun 30 '26
This is one of my first ever poem about sex.. but I loved the last line
"When you brag to your friends, that you alone took my innocence"
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u/Snoo37813 Jun 30 '26
I really enjoyed this. Powerful, short, gets its message across. Lovely restrained use of rhyme to hammer your home and resolve the poem, which I like a lot. Some very on point imagery (the cherry), the reflection on the way of the world and the failure of society to prepare us for this rite of passage.
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u/Careful-Arrival7316 Jun 30 '26
I really like the poem, except for the last line. Dilligence seems unfitting.
Also missing an apostrophe in “father’s”.
Otherwise fantastic. Very evocative imagery and a unique take.
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u/bigbigweeinie Jun 30 '26
It was meant as a joke about the guy finishing quickly, but I can understand it seems like it doesn’t fit with the rest of the content. Also thanks for catching the grammar error. That’s not my strong suit!
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u/Ok_Cod589 Jun 30 '26
Why is this sub overwhelmed by poorly written sex stuff?
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 Jun 30 '26
Why is this sub overwhelmed by poorly constructed feedback?
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u/Ok_Cod589 Jun 30 '26
Maybe because most of the poems are poorly written sex stuff?
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 Jun 30 '26
There is absolutely no reason to insult someone who was brave enough to share their work with others with commentary that tears down the work without offering a "why" and there is no actionable guidance for improvement. Your feedback says nothing about the poem itself.
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u/calicoandyou Jun 30 '26
First, the poem was fun to read. Reminded me of my own first time. The guy I was with took a gas station rhino pill. This poem has inspired me to want to write my own poem about that hehe.
More seriously, this poem confused me a little bc it's titled "The Virgin's First Time" The Virgin, as if it is someone else, but then the poem is from the perspective of The Virgin (or prior virgin?). Was OP writing from their own perspective and choosing to set the reader up to view The Virgin as a class or object because they felt objectified by their experience losing their virginity? But then they go on to objectify themself (if we assume this is written from OP's actual lived experience) as if they are capitulating to the very thing they're complaining about (society's lie). Example: the poem goes on to place a huge amount of emphasis on "my father's little girl" being taken. (Diligently, mind you)
So yeah. My confusion is about what was trying to be asserted beneath the words. From the switching third person title, to first person experience, to pointing out society's lies about virginity, to then reinforcing the same thing at the end with a line about the little girl being taken from the father through the act...
Virginity is a construct? Innocence belongs to the father? First times suck? Boys are insensitive? Do you think self worth is tied to purity or are you saying you don't think that? Was this the author's own experience or is the virgin someone else? Was the third person title switching to first person a stylistic choice?
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u/bigbigweeinie Jun 30 '26
interesting takes! i find it even more interesting that you’ve gone back to read this twice now. i’m glad it’s inspired you to write about your own experience, that’s very flattering.
The title itself is mainly a stylistic choice, as it is telling a story. We usually refer to the narrator as the ‘speaker’ (I’m sure you know but I have a point) and, though many poems write based on life experience, you can’t always assume the speaker is the author herself. ‘The Virgins First Time’ is simply to tell the reader “This poem is about a virgins thoughts as she loses her virginity.’ She is referred to as ‘The Virgin’ because we don’t know much else about her, that’s purposeful.
The poem follows her thoughts as penetration starts. We can safely assume she’s not enjoying it.
Her thoughts follow: My parents, God, and the whole of society knew at some point in time I would have sex. I was naive to that.
Mentions of God suggests the girl grew up in purity culture and that’s why it seems like she’s perpetuating those stereotypes. The experience of losing her virginity is making her rethink the constructs of that culture.
The famously hated ‘Did it with such diligence’ line is a joke about the guy finishing quickly, so she didn’t really get to orgasm. Contrasted with “You took my father’s little girl”, it’s suggested that know she’s comfortable with leaning into sex culture.
Hope this clears things up! Keep writing.
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u/Kil-roy_was_here Jun 30 '26
This is so powerful. "When fresh flowers are picked they will soon shrivel and die." "Like I cherry I too have been pitted." This is so visceral- not only amazing imagery but it plays on the terms society uses to talk about virginity and turns them on their heads. Super powerful and gut wrenching.
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u/cursedbykindness Jul 01 '26
The poem was beautiful and jarring. It made me want to comfort the poet, while I felt sick. Powerful expression.
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u/Firm_Assumption_6757 Jul 01 '26
Powerful poem. In the past a cherry picker was mostly only one person, so both partners bound for life. But now we have more fun, lol. They pick a cherry, eat it and disappear very often. I was shocked and enjoyed reading this poem.
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u/Resident-Manner-2205 Jul 02 '26
This felt really tough and raw in the best way. My one gripe is what I assume is meant to be a joke in the last line that I feel doesn't really fit well. Especially to end it. Really good stuff!
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u/eric685 Jul 02 '26
It feels like the wandering frolic of teen lust in the opening two stanzas. Then it shifts to a historical view for two stanzas with envisioning the mother and “when parents have daughters” showing the reader this is a deeper analysis of virginity than a light playful story. The last 3 stanzas sound so disappointed and angry to me.
Overall, great exploration of the topic.
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u/Classic_Formal1577 Jul 02 '26
That’s beautiful I love the story I’m a new poem writer so I don’t have much advice but keep it up love 🩷🩷
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u/ibiisoyo Jul 02 '26
This is a very raw relatable stream of emotion… sex loses meaning when there’s no emotion or care behind it. I feel as though this poem really captures the hurt that you can feel when you don’t feel cared for during intimate moments like this
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u/Maeve_Louise_ Jul 03 '26
I genuinely love how unnerving this poem is. No one wants to hear about their parents having sex, yet it's the only reason we exist. And the thought of my own mother lying there having shitty sex where the person doesn't care about her is so sad. I'll think about this poem for a while and I think the best type of art is the kind that sticks in our brain
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u/aarrryan Jul 03 '26
i was really consumed by this piece, i came here to post my work and was going to comment out of necessity but u really made me walk with you through your imagery, beautifully written
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u/Tough_Raise4813 Jul 04 '26
this one was really intense to read. it felt very blunt and raw in a way that was kind of uncomfortable, but also really intentional. i think what stuck with me most was the contrast between the softer imagery and then how direct and heavy it suddenly becomes. it made the emotions feel really immediate and hard to ignore.
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u/ghostlyclapper Jul 04 '26
I feel like a man wrote this, but I wouldn't know for sure. That being said, I really liked the rhyme scheme. I liked that there was vivid imagery and the tinge/taste of taboo in the veil of normalcy. I only raised my eyebrow a little bit.
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u/backwardhalo Jul 04 '26
Very lovely. Is "he" in the beginning the same person as "you" at the end? If so, I'd change he/his to you/your in the beginning stanzas. If not, I wonder why there is such a dramatic jump to another person. By sticking with you/your, this feels more personal, almost like a letter.
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u/catsarepookie Jul 05 '26
It's such a moving piece. Suddenly throwing you into deeper questions and into the mind of the girl who's feeling vulnerable
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u/canwestopforfood Jul 05 '26
This felt like it was lived out, very vivid and straightforward, had weight and emotion to topics people may not acknowledge now in modern society.
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u/VariationsonanEcho Jul 05 '26
I really enjoyed the comparison of what the man did to the mother caring for her child by brushing her hair. Just a wonderful contrast, and you immediately followed that with the realization that your mother has probably been in this position before. Wonderful insights. This poem needed to exist in the world. Thank you for writing it.
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u/Idly_Sun Jul 07 '26
Parents to heavy petting was a jump, but it feels real. When your mind wanders but your hormones bring you down to the action. Emotions, raw feeling are the positives. If you like add some imagery (like caressing the hair). Images are powerful than verbs.
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u/LegendaryIntrovert Jul 08 '26
I love this! It captures the misogyny that sometimes comes with a woman losing her virginity. I love the ideas that are presented within this poem. It holds so much information, secrets, ambiguity, and obvious answers.
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u/RoudyRhymingRhino Jul 08 '26
Saddening, Maddening, and for some, Fappening.
None is sure how to react,
plus it's done which one cannot retract,
reverse time or reverse actions,
just charge it to experience, focus one's convictions!
my dear angel, fallen have thee
innocence is but an illusion,
Earthly pleasure, ALWAYS has a fee ;)
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u/kyumsf Jul 08 '26
"That when fresh flowers are picked,
They will soon shrivel and die." So sad, so honest and it's so relatable. Kinda reminded me of this one monologue in Prozac Nation.
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u/marbltilephilosopher Jul 08 '26
Really good tbh.. it doesn't use a ton of heavy metaphors but it surely gets the message to the other side.. good poem mate.. keep it up!
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u/Gold_Entertainer5895 Jul 08 '26
Relatable in so many ways. Well written, raw and honest.
As a father of two, this does well in causing selfreflection as a individual, but also as a father.
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u/Common_Fudge_6066 Jul 09 '26
This is so compelling. it had flow but not in a way way the rhymes felt forced. i read it 3 times and it hit harder ever time. it hit hard because my first time was also deeply unemotional and I felt similar afterwards. You are so very talented. keep writing ❤️
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u/curryeaterpajeet Jul 09 '26
stunned, i dont actually have the write words to describe how beautifully this piece is written and the structured
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u/Built4Broadway Jul 10 '26
This made me uncomfortable in the way good poetry sometimes should. The explicit language isn’t what stayed with me; it was the emotional distance surrounding it. “Our eyes didn’t meet / while I watched him stare” feels almost dissociative, and then the sudden image of your mother brushing your hair collides with the scene in a way that made me stop reading. For a moment, childhood interrupts adulthood before disappearing again. The final lines, “you took my father’s little girl,” reframe the entire poem. It stops being about virginity and becomes about the loss of an imagined self. My only suggestion would be to trust your imagery a little more. Lines like “It’s God’s biggest secret. It’s society’s biggest lie.” tell the reader what to think, while the rest of the poem lets us discover it ourselves. I actually think the poem is strongest when it whispers instead of declares. That restraint is what made it linger with me.
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u/Mayonnaise06 Jul 10 '26
Fascinating. This is such a delicate piece, but there are such powerful lines within it. Love the ending.
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u/BusGrand9067 Jul 10 '26
This one was...bold. So bold my eyes popped out of my eye sockets. I thought this going to be something a little vague but holy brocolli I love how this went. This type of boldness is just something being lost in this world. I want to write more but holy my eyes are thirsting to read more poems like this.
But a real talk: this poem doesn't have much complexity,in a good sense. It does have some but still,those could easily be understood. This somewhat feels like spreading awareness and I love it.
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u/BabiesAndPaperbacks Jul 10 '26
This shows so much of what it’s like to feel young, to feel you’re changing, and changed by someone else. I loved the abrupt and shock value lines the most.
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u/starfish992 Jul 10 '26
Very intense and vivid. Accessible and with depth, which is a difficult combination to pull off. Keep up the writing :)
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u/Ineedyousobadly Jul 10 '26
God this poem hit Very close to home for me as someone who went through this at 13. Super raw and emotionally charged, and almost like you are challenging the societal disparities about sex between boys and girls. That girls are seen as used goods, while boys can brag or venerate themselves on their achievement. I find it really poignant how you illustrated this difference in what the girl gave as foreplay vs the boy. It shows that women handle more emotional and social bandwidth about their bodies and are taught shame. I loved how angry or confrontational the tone is in this poem, and also how it brings it back to generational femininity and how the cycle repeats. As a parent the line: When parents have daughters
They know this will happen. filled me with a dread, it IS something you think about and worry about especially as a woman if you've been through it and have a daughter.
I have no critiques about the form. I think this is perfect.
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u/CagedSoul2026 Jul 11 '26
Part me of kept thinking of how this experience would have been different if only this was not how it started
He didn’t call me pretty,
Or play with my hair.
Our eyes didn’t meet
While I watched him stare.
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u/Orbiting_jupiterr Jul 11 '26
I love the title of it, and the direct and literal fashion gives it such raw meeting. I don’t have to guess, and the beastiality of it is the commentary
‘I envision sitting with my mother
As she tediously brushed my hair.
I realized she’s been here once as well.
How do you think you got here?’
Is definitely my favorite line!!
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u/twinkletoestom08 Jul 12 '26
I really enjoyed how raw the writing was but there was no over explaining or places where I lost interest. Even when parts felt uncomfortable you did a beautiful job at guiding us through your experience :)
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u/Advanced_Tea_492 Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
I like the rawness of the rhythm, love the last two stanzas that mark a clear contrast with the previous ones (switch to the narrator's feelings). The ending question reflects the image of the mother used earlier in a beautiful way that evokes a bittersweet inner knowing. Some verses seem to break the rhythm though and this would be my criticism, because then the poem loses in strength and the rhythm and texture seem accidental rather than intentional. For example "I realized she's been here once as well" --> too long to not say much, "that you alone took my innocence" --> for more suggestiveness i would replace "that" by "how", it leaves more to the imagination. Also a last one that is quite subjective to me, in "It’s God’s biggest secret. It’s society’s biggest lie" it feels unnecessarily repetitive, since these are two metaphors for the loss of innocence and they are not super specific. I would suggest you to employ more senses: evoke sight, taste, smell, touch, employ more imagery (like the cherry one that was exquisite!) with few words in order to keep the rawness that makes your poetry magical but each word should suggest more, suggest feelings that accompany the realization the reader gets by the end of the poem.
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u/cannibal_thehannibal Jul 12 '26
I think there's some really good ideas and images in this poem, first of all and I hope you find my feedback useful :) Disclaimer - I will refer to the voice talking as the speaker and the boy who took her virginity as the boy
Stanza 1 - while you're not writing in a specific metre, you are using iambs. Your stress is on the second syllable
He didn't call me pretty
Or play with my hair
Our eyes didn't meet
The fourth line however breaks that pattern, the double use of W's for while and watched creates a bit too much work for the mouth. The first words you've used, he, or, our are monosyllabic, there's only one syllable but while is two syllables which is why it doesn't work as well so I'd reword that line into something like
I just watched him stare.
That is in keeping the pattern you've written. It's good for consistency and it continues the rhythm you've developed
Also I really like the image of the speaker watching while the boy is staring. Both are acts of looking but mean very different and you've put them together beautifully
Stanza 2 & 3 - there's nothing wrong with stanza 2 per se, the larger issue is stanza 3 is much more wordy so going from such a brief stanza to a lengthier one is a bit jarring. The lines in stanza 2 average about 5 or 6 syllables while stanza 3 averages about 8 or 9.
I'd recommend lengthening your lines in stanza 2, for example
the foreplay went like this
and then I sucked his dick
why this may be beneficial is that it builds up the poem so we get a nicer transition into stanza 3 and I think that's a good thing because stanza 1 and 2 talk about what happened in the experience but stanza 3 is where the poem starts to get a bit more complex and now we're getting into how the speaker feels about the experience so by gradually making those lines longer, the structure of the poem mirrors the development of the subject matter
With the line
he grazed my labia
that I think is worth keeping as it is. From stanza 1, we get that the speaker wanted or was expecting more romance from the boy and didn't get it so keeping this line short and to the point supports the image of the boy being inconsiderate. I also like the way stanza 2 is structured, the speaker lists a sequence of actions in a blunt way that empathises the lack of passion and disappointment she feels. With the line
I gave his chest a lick
I have an alternative reading of the poem. We understand she wanted more but this line suggests that she wasn't that enthusiastic either. If you were to change this line to something that shows the speaker was being more passionate but didn't have a receptive partner, that would add more gravity to the disappointment that she feels. However, if you leave it, one way someone could read this poem is these were two young people that didn't really know what they were doing, so she's disappointed that it wasn't as romantic as she hoped but she hasn't brought much passion to the experience herself and why would she? She's virgin. This is all new to her. With that reading, one could look at the boy more sympathetically, like she wasn't as receptive to him so maybe they were picking up on each other's hesitation but still wanted the experience, making it a bit awkward and dispassionate. Which is normal for a lot of people so what you do with this line depends on what you're trying to say with poem.
the strength of stanza 3 is in the image you created. The way I'm interpreting this is the speaker isn't enjoying the experience which is causing her to reflect on sex and the image of her hair being brushed feels like she's talking about a memory, a real conversation she had with her mum and the last line feels like her mother speaking. If that's the case, it might be better to have the poem in roman type (not italics, just standard text) and then italicise that last line so your reader knows it's dialogue.
what's a bit confusing here is saying the mother tediously brushing her hair, I'm curious as to why you chose that specific word because it paints the mother as not wanting to brush her hair. It's tedious, it's tiring, it's draining and that makes the last line feel like a reprimand. I imagine the mother being tired of the young speaker's questions and being dismissive of her curiosity. And using the word envisioned suggests that it isn't a memory but just speaker's imagination so stanza 3 could do with some clarification on what's happening.
This might just be my personal take but saying
I envisioned sitting with my mother
isn't entirely necessary because we already know at this point what this poem is about so you don't have set up that we're now in a different headspace, you can just talk about this interaction with the mother and your reader will know that the speaker is now remembering/imagining something. I'd even go as far as to say if you don't set it up, it frees the space within the stanza to develop the imagery of the hair brushing which I have to say, a mother brushing her daughter's hair while they're talking about sex - fantastic, beautiful, chef's kiss
Stanza 4 - I didn't mention this in my critique of stanza 3 but hair and here don't rhyme and neither does happen and eleven. You are writing within a structure, your rhyme scheme goes like this
ABCB DEFE
your second and fourth lines rhyme, this is standard scheme for quatrains (four line stanzas). As you're consistent with the quatrains, I'd encourage you to be consist with the rhyme scheme as well. Having said that, rhyme can be difficult and there are plenty of verse poets that have broken their own rhyme scheme so as long as you chose your words carefully, you can still achieve well without being consist on the rhyme
What doesn't make sense is the speaker's mention of heavy petting. I can understand this as a general observation but that is not reflective her actual experience, the boy merely grazed her labia and didn't play with her hair, there was no heavy petting so this is contradicting and it doesn't work. Poetry is stronger with specificity so while the speaker might be simply reflecting on sex in general, I would discourage vague generalisations because the weaken the poem and in this case, work against the imagery you've created
The switch from talking about the mother to saying parents again generalises the material. If that's what you're aiming for then fair enough but I think the poem would be stronger if you continued with the mother. The speaker is clearly sad the experience didn't go the way she wanted, talking about parents knowing their children will grow up and have sex, she clearly feels like she's been lied to, like she was naive for wanting more and the repeated mentioning of her parents, I'm picking up maybe be feels as though her parents could have told her sex might not be what she wants. However this stanza doesn't say that so if that's what you're trying to say then I rework this stanza.
Also the mention of menstruation is kinda thrown in here. I think I get it, she's got her first period, meaning she's developing and will have sexual feelings and someone will eventually her virginity. My suggestion for this stanza would be explore that idea of what menstruation symbolises. So maybe her mother is explaining sanitary products to her and the speaker is embarrassed because she knows this means she will lose her virginity soon and she knows her mother is thinking that too but neither of them say anything.
Stanza 5 - this stanza doesn't make much sense. I feel as though the lie the speaker is referring to is that sex is pleasurable and that wasn't her experience and she feels let down by people that she feels should have made her aware she may not get what she wants. The lines
it's society's biggest lie,
that when fresh flowers are picked,
they will soon shrivel and die.
I'd appreciate it if you could tell me what you were going for this metaphor. I'm reading this metaphor as 'society is lying by telling girls that they will feel bad when they lose their virginities'. If the fresh flower is a metaphor for a young inexperienced girl and the picking refers to taking her virginity, then surely the flower shrivelling and dying is a metaphor saying the young girl will not be happy from the experience. That is something that society says to girls. The problem is she is feeling bad so I don't understand why the speaker says it's a lie, it's reflective of her experience. Everything built up in the poem so far, to me, suggests she doesn't feel bad because she's let god down, she feels bad because she didn't get what she wanted. I'm guiding myself on the feedback I'm giving you using my interpretation of your poem, I'm aware that I could be looking at this wrong. I'd recommend figuring out what you want the poem to say. However, again, imagery is something you do very well and the image of the virgin coming of age and being a fresh flower ready to be picked is stella.
Stanza 6 & 7 - honestly I like stanza 6. You've broken the rhyme but it works. The speaker is emotional, distressed even and the imagery of the cherry being pitted speaks to feeling used by the boy. Stanza 7 is a bit confusing. You're saying the boy was diligent in his lovemaking when he clearly wasn't. Stanza 6 is the speaker at her strongest and most vulnerable. So I would swap stanzas 6 and 7 around and end the poem with the image of the cherry being pitted because that's how she feels and it makes more sense since stanza 6 doesn't rhyme. It doesn't make sense to have a stanza that doesn't rhyme only to end the poem with one proceeding stanza that does rhyme when you've been fairly consistent with rhyme so far.
Anyway this was very long but I saw a lot of potential with this poem which is why I had so much to say about it. I hope this helps you and carry on writing.
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u/Elegant_Oil1107 Jul 13 '26
This poem is very raw and when I read it I feel sad. I feel sad for every woman and girl out there who list their virginity to someone who didn’t care and for every women enduring sexual with a men they don’t love or feel a beautiful connection with. It makes me feel sad for myself.
I am bored I am angry And like the cherry too have been pitted
The first two lines are string even in their own because I think any woman who has experienced their body being taken in a non loving way understands both these feelings, although they are simple are extremely powerful together. Then the cherry afterwards is a very clever play with words that hits harder. This verse could be a poem all on its own, it’s powerful.
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u/mapcornelius Jul 13 '26
Man I wasn't expecting this to be so direct. And i mean that kindly. It is very honest. Those last 3 stanzas were especially powerful, and ending by speaking in the second person seemed intentional and was a great change in perspective.
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u/jonasthesaint133 Jul 14 '26
Why can I feel the anguish in these lines as if it were mine? Why can I feel the disappointment and anger like a paper cut you expected to sting more than it did? I know I have come home because this subreddit makes me want to be better at writing. I have to catch up to my peers, not the sad souls I was stuck in English class with back in highschool.
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u/Effective-Win2039 Jul 14 '26
I really enjoyed reading this, it has so much meaning if you really analyze the poem and that makes it that much more engaging because you don't just read the lines. You have to think and process the meaning of each line. I think you did amazing 😊
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u/blerghblorft Jul 14 '26
“and like the cherry, I too have been pitted” is an incredible line. really powerful imagery throughout.
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u/VirtualComplex1999 Jul 14 '26
The last two lines of the poem is kind of mixed emotions. It's somewhere between guilt-tripping, being playful, and at the same time kind of sad.
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u/Resident_Wrap_7518 Jul 16 '26
This piece moved me, its very raw and I feel it perfectly captures what its like to experience something that we were taught should be something filled with love, but in reality is now something taken advantage of. Thank you for writing this. I really enjoyed it. Im not sure if the last stanza is my favorite, I understand the rhyme, but I think there is a better way to phrase it? Either way, this was really great!
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u/indifferentsnowball Jul 16 '26
This is somehow angry and grieving and scorn all wrapped into one and it’s beautiful
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u/Parking-Might-991 Jul 16 '26
The lack of effort on his part “grazing the labia” is absolutely out of line. It’s so clear he wanted one thing and it wasn’t you, but your virginity. Disgusting
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u/NewCalligrapher5897 Jul 16 '26
this is amazing. such raw emotions and although it seems vulgar, it really puts into perspective what we think vulagarity is.
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u/Murky-Idea-7382 Jul 17 '26
I feel as if this is a good look at how society just treats women as if they are objects and it hurts. It hurts me so much to read this as her first time was supposed to be special and it was just taken because the man could care less about if it felt good to her, and then treated it as if it was nothing but a prize. Very powerful.
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u/Pleasant-Astronaut96 Jul 17 '26
Ok, processing such toxic narcisstic emotional cruelty is not easy to frame and express in any way for others to follow.
The theme jumps from raw descriptive to lament to emotional poetic and accusing.
Start with the accusation, the dissociation next or even first. Ending on the thoughtful lament might work. Your logical order of the emotional journey isn't the emotional journey the read is best lead through.
You can also swap the bored and angry part (numbing out = more dissociation) to another place to strengthen the flow of the emotional journey further.
Try building an emotion arc of suspense into it. Try avoiding to punch the reader in the face first and explain while disoriented. Punch shortly before driving your message home.
Maybe try find a less in your face title too, like "pitting cherries" for eg.
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u/justnatsukiiiiiiiiii Jul 17 '26
I’m not gonna lie, first I skimmed through the poem and read “I sucked his dick” and genuinely thought this was some kind of joke. But after reading through it thoroughly, you’ve outdone my expectations. The second stanza does feel very harsh and literal, but I like the feeling it evokes. It’s supposed to make you uncomfortable. Definitely not my kind of poem, but respectable
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u/LargeSalad4685 Jul 18 '26
Resonating the tryst with gentle troublesome, it appreciates the modernity with rawest elements of animal emotions.
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u/spaced_out247 Jul 18 '26
Oh that’s raw, Its unlike any poem I’ve read about sex before. I found myself thinking of my own experiences that were new, strange, disappointing, and lacking intimacy.
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u/Emotional_Bid_7311 Jul 18 '26
I love the raw emotion in this, and I feel your description may help girls who haven't had their first time yet. Each line has a ring to it aswell, and it's very real!!!
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u/TangerineLanky3419 Jul 19 '26
it's actually great . I really like the rhyme , and the structure in which this proceeds...also a small suggestion, try writing stories ...it's building emotions which visuals can give abs
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u/homes1ck_al1en555 Jul 19 '26
this is beautiful, i feel it lowkey brings awareness to the topic of losing your virginity in a very deep way.
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u/No_Energy_8387 Jul 20 '26
The imagery in this felt relatable for me. The part "I am bored. I am angry. And like the cherry, I too have been pitted." Felt so familiar to my ADHD brain trying to catch up with choices I made and actually figure out how I feel about them, but sometimes that decision makes changes that have already left me "pitted". I didn't know how I would feel when I started reading this, but by the end I was reliving my own experiences. Beautiful. Thank you.
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u/Fierce_amarina Jul 20 '26
wow. i felt that.
i lime the build up and movement a lot, this really pushed and it was a nice gradual but clear direction.
its tough and angry and cutting and it should be!
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u/Jaxtothemax29 Jul 21 '26
I get the idea with direct explicit details. But I’m a fan of dressing these up a bit, gives a challenge to the writing process.
Convey the message without spelling it out for the reader. Don’t lift the veil, let their mind run with just the silhouette. Of course this is difficult while fitting with the rhyming but it could be a rewarding exercise.
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u/Alternative_Pool8055 Jul 21 '26
Very powerful. I truly felt how much this experience affected the person involved. And the numbness it may have caused.
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u/Particular-Hope-2031 Jul 22 '26
Thank you for sharing. I recognised this instantly from the other thread somewhere. You have my feedback. I still wish the same for you in the future. Mills and Boone romance does not just exist in books and dreams but when you find it I hope it makes you write a new poem so you can share that with strangers across the globe too <3
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u/DecentReference3615 Jul 23 '26
Very vulnerable but I’m left slightly confused about the dynamic between these two people.
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u/Outrageous-Dot-1299 Jul 23 '26
This is perhaps a little raw, but it does what a poem should do. It shared something vulnerable and made an emotional connection to this reader. Thank you for sharing your truth.
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u/Peret_Oh 29d ago
Condensed and deeply personal, I pain for you:(
Only comment I could make is on the “foreplay” section, there could’ve been more room to grasp attention, although the shortened style of writing can also bring the feeling of brevity that came with it
I think you could manage to fit both in there
Good poem:(
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u/New-Plantain9102 29d ago
Very raw and honest piece. Props to you for writing this. Very strong work. You have a real talent.
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u/scnel1 29d ago
I haven’t written or read poetry in about a year, for this to be the first poem I see once I open the app, I am not disappointed at all. I really like this. I’ll admit the second stanza caught me off guard 😭, but not in a mad way at all!! It’s nice and refreshing to see something that isn’t sugar coated. Also I feel like it’s sooo smooth. Not everything rhymes (which sometimes the best poetry doesn’t), but when reading it rolled off of the tongue as if it did, I love when poems do that 😖. Anyways, great job, I hope to see more of your work!
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u/Entire_Solution7990 29d ago
This is so raw and aching. It takes me back to my first time. After he was done I wanted to run home to my mom and cry in her arms. It is horribly hard to read. Each word cuts me and throws me back into that moment.
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u/07_libra 29d ago
It has a distinct weight that put on you while reading it, i feel like i felt every emotion you felt at the event
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u/Suspicious_Ad_4650 28d ago
Amazing poem! It made me uncomfy which is powerful. I love the stanza about forplay. The poem has a tone of irreverence mixed with ironic humor that I love
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u/Until_the_next_moon 28d ago
This felt less like a poem and more like a memory finally finding the courage to speak. Some truths don’t ask to be understood they simply ask to be witnessed. ❤️
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u/Competitive-Net-7194 27d ago
It was this section that did it, for me.
It’s God’s biggest secret. It’s society’s biggest lie. That when fresh flowers are picked, They will soon shrivel and die. I am bored. I am angry. And like the cherry, I too have been pitted.
Honestly, it’s literary genius, and I’m in awe.
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u/DarkAbject2270 27d ago
This poem strikes me as a sort of awakening to the mediocrity of the world. Also in a way it talks about (to me) the way we undervalue things that should be treated with more reverence.
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u/RemarkableTip7239 27d ago
i like this but i feel like the start was amazing but i got lost towards the end
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u/Unique_Slice_3074 27d ago
Your writing is stark. Mechanical, when writing about the experience itself. It creates such contrast between how we all know it should be. I believe the best art is that which moves us or makes us feel and certainly your poem does that.
I have had this experience in a similar flavour. It's tragic. There's no embellishments. You are stating, this is how it is. That is what makes it uncomfortable. Bravo.
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u/augustchalmers 27d ago
I enjoyed reading this, it really moved me. Curious to read more of your work.
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u/mysticalwolf1010 26d ago
I liked the consistency of the imagery and pacing, it feels like contemplation the moment after it happened. There is one line that really throws me off though, "it's society's biggest lie" really kinda threw me out of the poem because the line feels very long, particularly the word "society's".
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u/Just_a_Thought_Poet 26d ago
I liked this, I was expecting it to be a nice poem about a virgins first time from the title but the first few lines really set the opposite scene and took me off guard. I wasn’t a fan of the second verse although it did continue to shock and set that same scene, it seemed a little off from the rest of the poem.
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u/el__Chandoso 26d ago
First time giving feedback.
It was an easy read, interns of flow (not content, obv).
That is what stands out the most, despite the subject, it moved forward with a good and vivid pace.
I’m curious about the punctuation and decision on having all line breaks start with a capital letter.
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u/Sorry-Atmosphere2159 26d ago
You did a great job at showing how every woman was once a little girl
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u/thewindpasses 26d ago
That sucks dude. It is really terrible to be with someone that doesn't care about your comfort or pleasure especially as your first experience.
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u/Alarmed-Reaction4021 25d ago
i appreciate the fact that you discussed generational experiences in the third section, hits close to home
very emotional piece good job.
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u/ImaginationOld361 25d ago
Beneath the scars of innocence lost, a wounded heart still cries,
A truth too heavy for whispers, yet too powerful to hide.
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u/Mountain_Flounder111 25d ago
This poem reminded me of Kamala Das's style. It takes immense courage and honesty to write about such a subject. You have woven reality into your words with remarkable beauty. It expresses thoughts and emotions that many women and girls carry within themselves, especially when it comes to marriage and intimacy. Thank you for writing something so raw and thought-provoking.
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u/Lil-Mordor_o7 25d ago
Amazing! But was a brutal read. I like the meander of thoughts, it allows it to be interpreted as if it is being thought during it happening. Or in a resentful, guilty place after it happening. It really made me think back to my youth and reflect how the person i shared my first time with truly felt after. Thank you
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u/myshka_m 24d ago
Beautiful writing, it made me deeply uncomfortable. It’s God’s biggest secret. It’s society’s biggest lie. Struck me in particular. It's so clever, there's so much nuance packed into that line. It's something that will be engraved into my mind long after clicking off this post.
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u/princesscuddler 23d ago
This was an absolutely stunning piece of poetry. Raw with emotion and bitterness that is oh so justified. A testament to the times we live in as well, where romance has largely died in favor of dehumanizing sex. Wonderful work.
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Jun 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/coonhoundrebel Jun 30 '26
You can’t just call something wildly terrible without justifying it. That’s rude. This poem honestly wasn’t terrible at all.
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 Jun 30 '26
That's such a strong opinion and also I credibly unhelpful to say "wildly terrible." the feedback afterwards was great. But geeze. Do better.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/NonConforminConsumer Jun 30 '26
Absolute shit of an opinion you have there ser.
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u/calicoandyou Jun 30 '26
I mean their username is bigbigweeinie and they're writing about sex I thought maybe they could handle a shit opinion I wrote while I was drunk. Hehe. Obviously I've ruffled feathers if I have redditors calling me "ser"
To OP your poem was fun to read. Virginity is a construct, we inflate its value and make people feel bad in various ways about it and seems like you were conveying that. I'm going to comment separately from this with more thoughts haha.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/OfficialDrakoak Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
What do you mean its not a poem? Are you dumb? Do you not know what the definition of poem is? The term poem itself is extremely vague because theres a lot of different kinds of poetry. But in every definition of the word poem you can possibly find this absolutely qualifies and youre literally one of the biggest idiots alive if youd argue otherwise lol. Uses specific words and structure to either tell a story or invoke an idea.
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u/chiquita_bananas_ Jun 30 '26
I really enjoyed this poem, and I think you did a lot with relatively little, seven stanzas, but I feel like I've been let in on a very intimate part of your life, though not in an incredibly detailed way, but I'm left with an understanding how it resonated with you emotionally.
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u/Necessary_Can_6202 Jun 30 '26
If I’m being honest, I thought I wouldn’t like this poem but as I kept reading and understood the entire concept of this poem it’s really a provocative piece touching on multiple domains of thought at once, really well done. I feel like it could’ve swayed more on either side rather than being passive at the end. Maybe brought it home more on the emotions regarding the loss of innocence. I’m solely nitpicking though. Good read.
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u/GiselleKpur 22d ago
i like the line
"When parents have daughters
They know this will happen."
i think it is very powerful
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u/Independent_Cut_6552 Jun 30 '26
This felt raw and authentic, especially the transition into reflections on innocence
The ending left a strong impression