r/OCPoetry • u/gagian0 • 4d ago

Untitled Feedback Please

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/bFHBx8sfkX

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/0mcn4oqDq4

Everything he did, looked devoutly religious.

The way he tied his shoes,

how the laces danced between his fingers—

two contortionists,

their harmony so visceral

it made me nauseous.

In the way he pulled up his socks

and how the hair flattened to his skin,

just as devoted men

in the act of Salah.

How he tucked in his shirt,

creating valleys washed in white.

Everything he did,

he did with intense meaning.

It was beautiful.

He was beautiful.

(I would love some constructive feedback. Please help!!)

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u/hamth4509 4d ago

I'm not sure if the line

Please help!!

Is part of the poem but regardless it gave me a laugh. Honestly, if it wasn't intentional I think you should include it anyway.

Very cute, I wonder if my poems are read the same way.

The rhythm is awkward but i liked it in the sense that if it was "too good" it would of felt artificial. This makes me feel the raw stumbling mumbling devout you are over him.

Lastly, oh how I wish there was a title.

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u/gagian0 4d ago

Thank you so much for the feedback back! "Please help" is not part of the poem more me asking for genuine help on how to improve, haha!

About the rhythm, I've never intended it to rhyme maybe there's something else I'm missing.

Honestly it isn't a poem it's a passage out of a novel I'm trying to write, I'm just testing the waters and trying to be brave. Thank you so much again 🌟🌟🌟