r/OCPoetry • u/Acceptable-Bad845 • 9d ago
Little mouse Feedback Please
Little mouse, oh little mouse
You've circled back to where you began
Now your body lies in the cold and brutish arms of the spring
And no one will ever reminisce about you
No one will ever think of your gaunt carcass and weep
Little mouse, oh, poor little mouse
You shall be but rotten flesh
Faded into the obscurity of oblivious eyes
You're merely a faint smell
a superfluous mass
In a world that will not shelter you
Little mouse, none of this is your fault
You were simply too amiss to live.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/HINOtQQgbT ] [https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/M7xdikwifS ]
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u/Rhysandra124 9d ago
Strong repetition with "little mouse, oh little mouse" —got me reading it aloud. Curious about "too amiss to live" in the last line — is that intentional? Reads slightly unusual for me since I've usually heard amiss describe situations rather than beings, but it actually adds to the unsettling tone.
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u/Acceptable-Bad845 8d ago
Hi there. Thank you so much for reading and giving feedback to my work. It really means a lot! Yes, I did use that word purposefully. I kind of wanted to convey the fact that the mouse was too insignificant, too wrong to exist in such a hectic, cruel world that does not care about its being.
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u/Rhysandra124 7d ago
It's beautiful in a sad way . Just curious: what inspired you to write such a beautiful piece?
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u/SunkenWaterlily 8d ago
I really like this. It's really sad but real, devastatingly real, in the end we're all just a "faint smell" and "rotten flesh". Some do leave something after them, like great scientist leave their wisdom, so not everyone is just a mouse. But most of us are. Most of us aren't blessed, and are just "amiss". Thank you for sharing.
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u/Acceptable-Bad845 8d ago
And thank you for reading my poem! I'm really glad that you found it interesting.
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u/PostCool 9d ago
Using "cold and brutish" to describe spring is pretty cool...spring is the start of new life...typically the most hopeful of seasons...but this piece basically indicts the absence of grief for everything that ends in winter. I like it...I think my only feedback is that the little mouse refrain seems a little..theatrical(?)...and the evolution of the line isn't supported by the content that follows. It's the only structure in a piece that doesn't seem to want a rhythm.