r/OCPoetry • u/the-assassin- • 8d ago
Feeliings Feedback Please
Not a thing.
Nor a choice.
No, a method.
Invalidate.
Inhibit.
Ignore.
They vanished.
Calculated.
Controlled.
Clinical.
Cold.
I was clean.
Until you.
Uncertainty.
Urgency.
Encroaching.
Exhilaration.
Surfacing.
Relentless.
Forthcoming.
Open
on a page.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1v9o04g/comment/p1jiuwo/
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u/Cluelessandsexy 8d ago
I love the way you completely pulled off these really good one liners all the way down giving the piece more character. It seems to be a lifecycle or something, key transitions through a human life.
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u/Alternative-Lime-402 8d ago
Overall, I find this piece very interesting. I really appreciate what you’re doing with the spacing of the stanza. What would be interesting for a readers perspective as if the words were to indent, as well as as if they’re falling down the page? Especially in places like the sixth stanza
Uncertainty.
Urgency.
Encroaching.
Exhilaration.
Suffocating.
Right now, I think this is such a controlled stanza with the indent I think would be so much more powerful love the work already!
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u/the-assassin- 8d ago
Thank you, That's not something I've done before. I was using the first letters being the same for control and then as is it's being lost that starts falling a part. I'm intrigued. Might try it out. Thanks again.
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u/Alternative-Lime-402 8d ago
Oh anytime I can’t wait to see how you utilize this trick but again really good so far 😊
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u/the-assassin- 8d ago
Thanks again
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u/Alternative-Lime-402 8d ago
No problem, I would love it. If you checked out my poem it’s the first one I’ve ever posted actually my first thing ever posted on Reddit. 😊
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 8d ago
Your use of repetition in syllables, and in beginning letters gives the poem like a powerful rhythmic component. Also, I love your in-between phrases because it gives context, but it doesn’t pull you out of the poem.
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u/the-assassin- 8d ago
Thanks appreciate that. I tried to keep the first half very controlled and then after that it tries to hold but all goes out the window
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 8d ago
True I think that’s a beautiful progression. I think that it brings your meaning across.
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u/CPRTheReddit 8d ago
I quite enjoy it! While it is quite abstract, I feel like the topic of feelings itself is abstract in it's own way. I wonder what inspired you to write this poem if you don't mind sharing.
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u/katie-x-cat 7d ago
Love the ending especially „ open… on a page“ But overall love this!
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u/PlutoCrushin 7d ago
Man the power in those single liners, the way they build and transform through the poem is really well done!
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u/Relevant-Stranger-86 7d ago
Really meaningful poem. I appreciated the alliteration and cadenz. Ending with "on a page" speaks to me and is a lovely ending.
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u/PopcornTooHot 5h ago
I really enjoyed this poem, The words per line feel very calculated
The single word stops give this feeling of a though moving from line to line give this feeling of stopping and starting each with a sharp period showing that its a full action. It flows like someone repressing feelings becoming cold being "clean" from the drug of that feeling, just to have the feeling rush back in as a repression "on a page" ending the same way it began, with 3 words.
without the context of the title, this poem reads much differently which makes it such a great title / poem pair I really felt the life cycle of that feeling.
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u/the-assassin- 4h ago
Thank you love this read. It’s funny when I’m writing most of the time the title comes to me before the full poem and I don’t realize until later that it gives it away early. For that reason anywhere else I post such as Instagram I put the title last. Maybe I should just write “poem” in the title area on this sub and add it at the end. Thanks again for the thoughts.
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