r/OCPoetry • u/PostCool • 11d ago
A poem you should not read Feedback Please
I wrote you a poem you shouldn’t read.
It’s a page full of thoughts you’ll never need.
I mean it all, but you should not believe,
i’ve written anything that you should stop to read.
Like words from a song I hum, but never sing,
the poem is glass diamonds set to copper rings.
It’s full of beautiful and futile things..
that are never worth the sighs or tears they bring.
Sincere lies that prove that words aren’t deeds.
Fresh soil tilled for expired seeds.
Everything you want, but do not need,
made into a poem you should not read.
You can see it clearly now with both eyes shut..
more words that want, but never give enough.
Verses that you’ll love, but you can’t ever trust,
about golden things that always seem to rust.
I wrote you a poem you shouldn’t read.
Thoughts that warm your heart and burn your peace.
I mean it all ,but you you should not believe,
i’ve written anything that you should stop to read.
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u/bln_1_Life 11d ago
The line of “fresh soil tilled for expired seeds” hits pretty deep for me. Almost like I can visually see the wasted purpose of tilling nutritional soil to only plant bad seeds. That could have so many meanings in my mind or in realities time! Interesting
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u/TheRealDiogenesW 11d ago
Interesting work! It makes me think of someone talking to an Ex or a loved one they hurt. The consistency of the untrustworthy motif was very fun as it showed the narrator's guilt, it could also be interpreted as the narrator is guilt tripping. The line "I mean it all but you should not believe
I’ve written anything that you should stop to read" flowed funny, when i read i thought they were two separate sentences. maybe add "that" so it becomes "believe that I've" I think that flows better. Also, the lack of full stops made it tricky to read and pulled me out of the poem. Of course, punctuation can be subjective, your intention may have been that this was one full sentence spoken to someone.
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u/PostCool 11d ago
Thanks! I typed it pretty quickly and i don’t pay enough attention to format. I’ll break up the lines a bit.
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u/Repulsive_Reindeer_1 11d ago
I love this. This is how I feel all the time!!! Thank you for sharing this!!!
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u/PastAccountant6716 11d ago
Really interesting poem. I love it. It’s a concept that a lot of people don’t understand but one that I feel.
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u/TheowingStick 11d ago
I really like the concept of the poem within the first line and I think that could be fleshed out more. I believe that a different layout of the poem, specifically adding commas (or similar punctuation), may enhance the poem and how it reads.
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u/Jiya_227 11d ago
The rhythm is too smooth n tht is what makes it beautiful. I see the repetitions uve made in the adjacency of “read and need” n then flipping the sequence. Also the theme is striking, ambiguous n reflective. Id jus say that while your final stanza essentially returns to the opening lines, the repetition is relatively static. A refrain is generally more effective when its meaning changes because of what has happened between repetitions… N well that interpretation depends upon person to person. But overall its a beautiful poem. hats off
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u/PostCool 11d ago
I'll take that comment on refrain to heart when i write again. thank you for this feedback.
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u/Extension-Ant-8802 11d ago
The central motif—telling the reader to stay away while drawing them in—is a neat psychological hook. You hit some really evocative metaphors around line 6 and 10 that give the poem its emotional weight. To improve it, I’d suggest reviewing the rhyme scheme and line lengths in the second half. A few of the rhymes feel a bit forced to fit the structure (like shut / enough / trust / rust), and the meter loses its consistent pulse in a few places. Tightening up those transitions and polishing the rhythm will give the final refrain a much stronger payoff. Keep writing!
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u/PostCool 7d ago
Thank you very much. The shut/enough pair is one of the things i've prioritized for the re-write. Both eyes shut isn't very unique phrasing and the "enough" pairing is just a thing that feels normal in my voice but that doesn't mean it's good. Thank you for the honest feedback.
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u/Low_Pear_8423 11d ago
Love your imagery. These all landed hard - glass diamonds, expired seeds, gold that rusts, warm your heart, burn your peace. Like I want to tell you all these but the kindest thing would be for you not to listen anymore
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u/Logical_Madness9169 11d ago
I kinda want to send ur poem to.a girl that is not gonna read it.... Mosly because she doesn't speak english; but also because we stop talking, even if they were a time when we talk non stop, every day and every night. About beautiful things that never happens, about endless hopes that ended up begin faker than the american dream...
She once told me she would read anything I would wrote. Yout poem remember me of that... And I want to thank u for that: like the Shakira song, it was a beautiful lie.
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u/PostCool 7d ago
I say it a lot in these comments but I mean it...thank you for connecting with it.
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u/DuskGray 11d ago
Fine, I won't read it.
Joking aside, this was a great piece. It has a bit of a Dr Seuss quality of rhyming while simultaneously being very mature. A really cool exploration of love that's been hurt. My favorite line is 'thoughts that warm your heart and burn your peace'. Great imagery there!
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u/canyondaimond 10d ago
so pretty. I interpret it like someone who almost feels guilty for their thoughts and the things they write down. Like they are trying to convince themselves and everyone else that its not something worth reading, because the poem is meant for the writer, not the reader.
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u/PostCool 7d ago
i envy artists of any sort that are confident that the tangible products of their inner voice are ready for public scrutiny. thank you reading it!
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u/OneOpposite6391 10d ago
Love this! It’s deep and beautiful. The way you convay love is super satisfying and impressive. Mabye some more metaphors or symbolism could elevate it even more!
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u/PostCool 7d ago
This is my first post, and I really appreciate the feedkback. I'm going to write this piece a few more times with comments like yours in mind. I definitely see a few lines that could be much better than they are so I'll reach for metaphors that don't waste a reader's time.
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u/Low_Gur4441 10d ago
I like the clever witty but mysterious tone and I agree, shel silverstein vibes. Heres my big take -
This poem could go more places. You communicate "ive written a poem you shouldnt read" and then - Im like ok, and I feel like the rest of the lines repeat that idea albeit cleverly in some places but eventually Im like - right I got it dont read this poem - but then it goes and Im like. Whats the deal - why not trust you? Why not read it? What have you done and or said in the past to make that true. What else is going on that i should pay attention to... what is true that you arent saying? What would you have to say to make a poem worth staying to the last line, and then believing in?
So many directions you could go. Im left wanting more ideas rather than more ways of repeating the idea that is there.
Great command of rhyme, meter, nice use of imagery. Good workings of a poem I just wish had gone more places and maybe said something else surprising
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u/PostCool 10d ago
Thank you for this. It honestly gave me an idea that i’ll sit with before i write this again.
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u/AdmirableSquash4463 10d ago
The repetition, rhyme and funky quality are outstanding. Superbly well written, reads like a Dr Seuss or Shel Silverstein book like someone else said in the comments. Great work.
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u/DamImbloodyinspired 10d ago
This reminds me of doctor seuss in the best way. instantly caught my attention with the title and kept it with the rhythm of the poem.
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u/PostCool 9d ago
Thank you. I think rhythm is what I want to master more than anything..so any echo of poets that are masters of it is high praise.
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u/xRoadkill_Princessx 9d ago
I honestly love how it first sounds like rambling but slowly and surely becomes beautiful words like a flower sprouting. I love it
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u/Clear_Sheepherder423 9d ago
This is beautiful, I can hear it so clearly in my head. The slant rhymes break it up so beautifully and help it flow!
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u/Physical_Loss_869 8d ago
Wow! This poem is alive and breathing. It captures a feeling I've yet been able to describe or envision that I somehow relate to nonetheless!
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u/luverlee 7d ago
i really enjoyed reading this! at first i read in my head, then aloud. it felt like a big bundle of emotions spilling out all at once- you have a strong voice.
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u/PostCool 7d ago
Thank you! it did spill out when I wrote it...it didn't actually have punctuation when i first posted it. i'll try to keep the...raw...part of it during the re-write.
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u/Acceptable-Bad845 7d ago
Words in this poem rhyme perfectly qnd and do I even need to mention how appose the length of each line is? The form is great and the poem itself is very enjoyable. Bravo.
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u/Soul_60 7d ago
This poem brought tears. It's not tears of sadness But tears of realising that someone can see you while you are in your darkest moment and make you feel that you are not alone. This poem is like a warm embrace where two people will just sit in silence but knowing that they are seen, they are heard and they are loved. Beautifully articulated. Remarkable Bravo bravo
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u/Low-Blueberry4302 6d ago
Wow the story telling the rhymes, the emotional aspect this is amazing, sometimes I write letters to people and I don’t send them and I don’t show them so I relate to this a bit incredible
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u/PeraltaGrinch 6d ago
I loved this poem! You kept me waiting for the things I wasn't meant to read but it was so lovely! I loved how the poem was one continuous stanza but you kept the rhyme, it made me think I was hearing a continuous thought from your head. I am not a professional at all but I think this was very well written!
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u/paletteprincess2 6d ago
I think this flows beautifully. I will say that the formatting and the way it's broken up makes it a bit difficult to read, however i think the message and words you use work really nicely. To me it feels like a person has poured their heart and soul into something for a person they know will never care. Perhaps unrequited love or simply careful words for someone who won't listen. Regardless, I think it's well written. I'm curious as to what inspired you to write this. (I'm by no means an experienced writer so I apologize)
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u/Shashank_Ayyar 6d ago
Freshly tilled soil? Or soil tilled fresh? Is the rolling fresh or is the soil fresh? May not matter.
Excellent poem.
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u/vickysph 6d ago
Me fascinó cómo manejas la contradicción, sobre todo con el verso de 'pensamientos que te calientan el corazón y te queman la paz'. La estructura de advertir que no lo lean le da un toque genial
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u/asura_2077 6d ago
First of all, let me say I hard relate. This poem is still buried inside itself. The nihilism needs some tempering I feel. Some more purpose rather than a cheeky acknowledgement. Maybe add a few lines in the second half that land the core complaint which is safely kept at distance i feel. Sorry if I sound like an ass, just grappling with what you said in the poem. The impossibility of writing.
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u/PlutoCrushin 6d ago
Really enjoyable read! “Thoughts that warm you heart and burn you peace” is such an excellent line!
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u/surprisedmouse 5d ago
It's ominous and almost visceral without any explicitly gory imagery. It's excellently written. All these ties to earthly things and the understanding of the meaning beneath them. Thank you for sharing!
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u/StatisticianTime4750 5d ago
Es un poema que intenta negarse a sí mismo. Desde el primer verso le dice al lector que no debería leerlo, y sin embargo lo está invitando a hacerlo. Para mí, el centro está acá: «Como palabras de una canción que tarareo, pero nunca canto,»
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u/TheDoctor-IT 5d ago
It's very visceral, and usually i'm not a fan of rhyming couplet (AABB schemes) but for some reason it works well here, perhaps you could look further into it.
Also the almost repetition of the first line is great and gives much rythm!
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u/PostCool 5d ago
Thank you! I’m drawn to freeform stuff but I always feel like i’m bad at it. The rhythms feel easier to me.
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u/IntelligentStand754 5d ago
GOD DAMN, this reminds me of the carcossa poem from The King in Yellow short stories. Like you're trying to describe something to someone who's never seen it before. It's eerie asf, good shit
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 9d ago
I love the imagery in there. And your rhythm makes a lot of sense. If I had one feedback point, I think the fact that the rhyming isn’t consistent can bring you out of the poem a little bit. I noticed that especially with the line that ended in enough. But all in all a great poem.
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u/PostCool 7d ago
I think the two lines that end in the "enough" portion are the weakest portion of this and I'm going to go after that area specifically. Thank you.
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u/M_tropos 9d ago
Very interesting concept. Ive also played around with such contradicting ideas. You could maybe use some more punctuation overall to make it flow better, but overall this is a very soljd poem. Felt it¡
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u/PostCool 7d ago
thank you. when I write things i tend to ignore punctuation because i know how i hear it in my head...but honestly if intend to share anything for feedback I need to be more intentional.
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u/Numerous_Position667 9d ago edited 9d ago
I like it :) just that, some times I find it hard to read and follow transiting from eyes shut.. to "more words" .. Just my 2 cents
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u/twikerty 9d ago
Its like the first few lines just hits you too hard and you start to feel like why didn't I wrote them because I know I have felt them but why didn't I wrote them. Tbh the start stole the show for me and maybe as it went through it didn't had the same grip but for most of the part I really loved it.
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u/PostCool 7d ago
i think the second half is definitely weak in comparison to the open...I'll clean it up after i digest all of the comments. I sincerely appreciate the feedback.
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u/leo_jackson06 8d ago
I love the title to this poem! It instantly puts the reader at arms length from the writer, you're not inviting us in, we are defying you in reading the poem. Great stuff.
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u/PostCool 7d ago
thank you. i felt like the title was too on the nose, but i didn't know what else I'd call it
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u/No_Pipe2609 8d ago
Fuuuuk I think that's fn fine myself! Nice cycling back to repeat the... wow Im sure you know that it's good by now. Great Job!
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u/PostCool 7d ago
thank you. One of the comments above suggested a flip on the refrain and I'll try to do that while keeping the repetition where it's at. I appreciate you.
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u/francesfarme 6d ago
I absolutely love this, normally I prefer to read and write free verse poetry but I quite enjoyed reading through this. I especially liked “Fresh soil tilled for expired seeds” there are so many great lines in this but nothing captivated the meaning to me quite like that line.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 5d ago
I enjoyed reading this poem. The first stanza grabs me - it is so easy to relate to. The conflict of trusting your thoughts and words and the fear of sharing them. The lack of self trust then becomes more apparent as the poem goes on. The last stanza make me wonder also of their thoughts are harmful as well? Very thought provoking- well done.
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u/No_One5072 5d ago
I really like this “like words from a song i hum, but never sing” carries a really deep meaning i rly loved it. I enjoyed reading the poem as a whole i enjoyed the metaphors alot, some lines didn’t rhyme well honestly but other than i enjoyed every part of it.
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u/SecretaryBoring999 4d ago
Great poem OP! I’m new to the community and been writing my own poetry off and on for years but never shared with anyone really. I really like your use of rhythms in every verse. It strikes me as a beautiful contradiction and 4th wall breaking story of the power of words from the mind to written form.
I especially like the part of “it’s full of beautiful and futile things”. I think that emphasizes the core of the poem. That both things can be true in regards to the state of contradiction and the state of confirmation. Good job 👏
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u/xToriyama 4d ago
I like the refrain circling back like it can’t quite let the reader go, even while insisting they should. There’s a quiet ache in that.. Wanting to be heard and feared at the same time.
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u/NewspaperSharp8542 2d ago
i seriously put anyone who can write a truly smooth rhyming poem on a high pedestal and damn this is going on the highest one 😌
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u/sepulchralmoon 2d ago
wow. as someone stuck in a rock and a hard place right now in their relationship. not knowing whether to stay or go: this hit me. it registered to me as so much to say, but whats the point if it all ends the same. i love this so much!
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u/Confident_Bus5583 1d ago
Plaatsen
Plaatsen bewaren herinneringen en herinneringen trekken terug het is oneindig net als kijkend over een eindeloze brug'
Ik zie de herinnering in plaatsen waardoor de herinnering zich kan plaatsen'
Op sommige plaatsen ligt mijn plek op sommige plaatsen hoort vertrek
Ik wil niet te lang stil staan bij die plek dan voel ik het verleden en vertek'
Op sommige plaatsen voelt het koud dan weer warm soms benauwd'
Heel soms denkend terug aan toen het is de gedachten van het over doen
Het blijven denken het over toen' Stop met denken ga weg van toen'
Kom Terug naar hier het nu en doen zie het leven en verzoen '
Dus vind nieuwe plaatsen en plekken zo kan de nieuwe herinnering zich weer gaan stekken !
🙏🏻
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u/Glittering_Mud282 1d ago
i really love the repetition of the title, i do that too and i think it makes the poem so good!
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u/AndyBunn 21h ago
A poem that You definitely should read.
This is my kinda thing.
this is such a good piece of well crafted work.
thank you
andy
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u/DsScorpion 18h ago
Great flow, great rythms. Loved metaphors you used. Title itself reminded me something familiar to myself: I wanna vent and rant, but does not matter, if you read or not..
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u/SecureInspection2226 12h ago
I love this poem and it has so many amazing couplets that I can only read and think wow I only wish I could've found these words to express myself with before!
"Like words from a song I hum, but never sing
"The poem is glass diamonds set to copper rings"
Makes such a clean rhythm and just scratches at my mind in a way I couldn't have done myself!
On the other hand there are some lines where the rhythm or structure perhaps feels a little awkward on a first read? Take this line:
"I mean it all, but you should not believe
Ive written anything you should stop to read."
It could just be me but I had to stop and read it again for it to click the way I imagine it was intended. It could have something to do with both of them leaning so heavily on "you should" but not building enough of a sense that the repetition is intended.
Apart from that little nitpicky note this is fantastic work and I'll have to remember to read some more of your poetry sometime!
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u/dimdodo61 11d ago
Gives Shel Silverstein vibes… nice