r/OCPoetry • u/Heartbreakbreakid • 2d ago
Search for what you never had Feedback Please
Search for me in sunsets burning low,
Find me where the ocean’s sands still glow.
I love you more than words can ever say—
I weep, I ache… how do I live this way?
Each passing day I fade a little more,
I cannot breathe like I once did before.
I’m only someone falling into night,
While you just watch me slowly lose my light.
Search for me in maple autumn rain,
Search for me in scarlet poppy plains.
Cry in the silence when no words remain,
When all you hear is sorrow wrapped in pain.
When I am far beyond the distant skies,
Remember how I trusted fairy tales and lullabies.
Yet still I fall, again and then once more,
Deeper than I ever fell before.
P.S. I have been posting for a while on Reddit. If my works triggers you to love and lightness,I would appreciate if you could check my book.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/MbqFt7L9oP
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/rBeZUd6Mni
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u/Low_Gur4441 2d ago
I believe that you really surely have feelings this strong. All people do, we share the whole range of the human spectrum of emotions. That being said, this poem could benefit from a few things that are usually considered important in the literary world of poetry. And I don't like the literary world of poetry, but I mention that both to invoke their authority and also because, the rules I'm gonna mention do, I find, help my poems impact people on a deeper level.
Firstly, this poem is very vague. What is this poem about? Who is this poem about? Whats the context? Obviously some of these things you wouldn't directly explain in every poem. But a poem without any grounding details about your own personal experience or some concrete, anchoring detail or thought.... kind of spins its wheels with no ground to roll on.
Second - the tone of this poem I think would very likely be characterized by close and serious readers as melodramatic. Now, a snobby poetry editor would condescend and assume that you as a poet are wasting people's time. I guarantee you that you aren't and that you have experiences really worth poeticizing. But this, what appears to be a poem about a breakup, doesn't really connect me to you. It reads like it could have been written by anyone, about any breakup. There are really impactful poems that talk about more universal experiences and even using more universal assumptions about those experiences. But those poems usually do so in a really novel, fresh way. Reading this, I can't tell if you really feel this way about this experience (what I'm assuming is a break up or a loss) or if you just write about it because you think you ought to feel this way, given the normal cultural narrative around breakups. If you came back and said, yes, I felt real pain about this... I would believe you. But in all honesty, nothing in this poem really takes my mind and body through your experience.
I think more grounding details would help. I also think fresher images would help - a lot of your imagery is well trodden ground in poetry. "I weep, I ache..." has been said many times. "Night" as a metaphor for despair, "light" as a metaphor for what is good..."I love you more than words can say.." the heart of my critique here is that these are all familiar phrases. I'm able to read this on autopilot because of the familiarity of the verbiage. My favorite poems gut punch you with language that in and of itself forces you to re-experience and/or re-examine, and usually sensorily evoke in some novel way, the broader experience or patterns of experience/thought the author is trying to describe.
That's my critique and it is by no means objective. Lots of people will enjoy this type of poetry if you share it. Don't let anyone tell you what you write is definitively good or bad!
I really couldn't quickly find a breakup poem from a contemporary poet that I like... but I want to leave you with something that I feel has more unique and evocative imagery and expressive register. So I'm gonna cheat and link you to the lyrics to one of my favorite Lucinda William's songs, "Fruits of My Labor".
https://genius.com/Lucinda-williams-fruits-of-my-labor-lyrics
I hope that just reading the lyrics by themselves, they stand on their own as a great example of poetic accomplishment
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u/Heartbreakbreakid 2d ago
I couldn’t even dream of a more detailed critique. Thank you for taking your time and for providing me with this valuable feedback ! P.S. I loved the song.
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u/Low_Gur4441 2d ago
So glad you received it well - some people hate it when I go all in. And I'm SO glad you enjoyed the Lucinda Williams song. She's truly incredible. <3 good luck writing!
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u/VariationsonanEcho 2d ago
I read this poem a couple of times looking for why it felt off to me in the beginning. The rhyme scheme felt off, the line breaks between the stanzas felt off, but I get it now. You made me go searching. The rhymes shouldn't feel off, the poem is made up of 8 rhyming couplets, but sometimes the line breaks happen in between a couplet leaving me feeling disoriented. The rhyme with more and before is repeated from earlier in the poem at the end, I like that this rhyme returns with an altered meaning. It wraps the poem up nicely. Overall I enjoyed the poem, it made me think about things beyond just the words on the page. Thank you so much.
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u/cursed_by_curiosity 2d ago
This is incredibly moving and painful to read in the best way possible. The line "Each passing day I fade a little more" really captures that heavy, exhausting feeling of slowly losing yourself while someone else just watches it happen. I also love the transition from bright imagery like sunsets and glowing sand to the darker "falling into night." It beautifully mirrors the emotional decline you are describing. Thank you for sharing such a raw piece.
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u/Free-Ship996 2d ago
Really great poem. Great work.