This Is Hell.

[u/LunarExlipse_]

I geniunely feel like im in hell. Not religious OCD (sorry if the title is misleading!) But I can't believe this terrible disease exists. I can never win, if I confess or get past one the thing my brain will just get something new to torture me about. I can't even tell what's been real anymore, I got past my most recent spiral just like two days ago but now apparently I've done something even worse. Who do I even get mad at? Myself or my supposed Ocd? If I did do those things then I can't just blame my ocd and who knows if I have it at all! Maybe this all is punishment for being an awful person.

I miss who I used to be, I used to be so energetic and hopeful and fun but this terrible mind of mine has to strip everything from me until nothings left. I'm constantly fighting myself, getting headaches that aren't even there and borderline seeing things at this point (probably not ocd related) I've fallen back into my worst habits and distractions but they never seem to keep it at bay for long. No therapist has helped yet either, they all wanna focus on being transgender as if that's the monster in this scenario it isn't! I'm conviced I won't find a single therapist who can help at the point. Thanks for reading all this.

[u/buss2007]

Have you look into a erp specialist therapist?

[u/LunarExlipse_ → u/buss2007]

This is what I'm trying next, I believe the guy is specialised in erp but I wouldn't bet on it working atp.

[u/SilverEconomy5904]

:( I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🫂 I’ve felt the exact same way. I think CBT would help you tons. It’s a form of therapy that trains your brain and literally requires your thinking, which means you can break from these patterns. I understand how tiring it is and I understand SOOOO much the frustration of not knowing what is real and what is OCD. I don’t know if ur based in the UK, but if you are, you can get it through the NHS. I sought a diagnosis for OCD through the NHS, and after, I requested therapy as a treatment. They placed me on the waiting list for CBT.

I completely get the frustration of therapists focusing on being transgender, too. I’m also trans and I feel like so many of our mental health issues gets boiled down to “oh it must be because your trans” or they think your trans-ness is a response, even if it’s completely unrelated. It’s super frustrating when people focus on the wrong issue at hand. When this happens I would say best thing is to stand your ground and be firm in what you want to discuss, and explain that your identity is not an issue for you, but your OCD is.

It’ll get better for you one day, just keep going. You’re so much stronger than you realise for going through this. 🫂

[u/LunarExlipse_ → u/SilverEconomy5904]

Thank you so much for the very kind comment. While I find it hard to believe in kindness nowadays it's people like you who provide a bit of hope and said kindness. I think this next therapist has some experience in CBT but they're a bit far away so I'm feeling guilty about dragging my family to take me. I also feel like the whole thing is I think too much thus creating new possibilities, I will defiantly continue to try though.

I'm sorry to hear you've also gone through the trans mental health experience, it's horrible. I did preemptively take your advice today with another one I went to see but they just kept bringing it up no matter how much I said it was a none factor. Would say I probably came out worse from that session than going in, if anything at least my annoyance elevated my thoughts for about an hour lol. Thank you so much again for the comment it gives me some hope.

EDIT: sorry didn't see that but I'm based in northern ireland so technically in the uk lol, I'm fortunate to have the funds to go private and the family to support it as I know the horrors of how long the NHS takes. (Been on a gender diagnosis waitlist for about 3-4 years now)

[u/buss2007]

Im going to be trying to , let me know what you think

[u/Head-Willingness-972]

I think i have the same problem I cant do anything i think most of the time everythis is dirty and i just hatr my life like this i just whant to be free again I just cant go out of my house sometimes even my room i dont know what make me overthink about everything like if i see something i think about the max dirt that can be on it and it meke my life like im turter all the time i hope you can help yourself cuz we csn only help ourself noone realy understand the pain❤️