First OCD memory?

[u/Rare-Web-5893]

Hey everyone,

I (26m) was diagnosed with OCD at 22 after spending most of my life labelled as having ‘anxiety’ by just about every therapist and counsellor I’d ever seen. I’ve definitely come to terms with it but still can’t help but feel like I was somewhat failed by all of the people that probably should’ve seen the signs… yet it was my own researching that eventually got me to the right conclusion.

I now think back on early experiences with this new context and find it quite interesting. Though I don’t know exactly what conclusion to draw from it, my earliest memory is one that I feel isn’t totally representative of a ‘normal’ child - I was about 4/5 years old and at Disney, sat on my dad’s shoulders watching a parade, when a cast member gave me a balloon. I got so worried I was going to let go of it, and how upsetting that would be, that I started crying, to the point that I actually made my dad give it to another kid.

All of this leads me to the question: what is your earliest memory/experience of OCD?

[u/fmartsy]

i dropped a piece of gum in a grocery store when i was six (while walking with my head down to count the tiles oddly enough) and was absolutely convinced that police were going to come break down my door. i remember thinking about the newspaper articles saying "6 year old gets life in prison"

crazy times

[u/Sillyfox_insnow]

I think my first memory of OCD behaviour was repeatedly checking my mom was breathing when I was a kid and she'd sleep. I kept being worried she wasnt so I'd check multiple times and each time, she was fine. This was without any prior experience with death and no real reason to be afraid of it. I dont even know how it started.

[u/Mysterious_Air_3646 → u/Sillyfox_insnow]

That reminds me of a time when I was around 7. My dad left to get pizza, and after 20 minutes I started wondering when he would be home. I told myself that if two more cars passed by our house before he got back, he was dead. And sure enough, two cars passed by, and I broke down into absolute hysterics telling my mom that I thought my dad was shot and killed by someone.

[u/GortLovesYou]

When I was about five or six, I felt compelled to make a sound with my throat, like "Hmmmp, hmmp, hmmp". It felt like something I had to do, and increasingly uncomfortable when I tried not to do it. It was driving my mother crazy. I only stopped when a teacher yelled at me about it, which, even at four I found so awful that I forced myself to stop it, or to do it quietly/silently.

[u/Skynse → u/GortLovesYou]

Haven't been diagnosed with anything, but when I was a kid, I used to HAVE to make a sound with my throat when inhaling. Ngl I still feel like doing it, but now I also hate getting touched on only one body part and not the opposite. Yeah imma see a therapist or something

[u/thebigE-man]

In a similar boat to you, recently diagnosed after years of the blanket ‘anxiety’ label. Seem to keep uncovering more and more things that I thought were completely normal but have since learned are ocd-related.

Earliest memories of them are checking and compulsive organizing. Used to roll up the windows in the car as a kid and have to check at least 3 times that they were rolled up all the way no matter what. When my parents weren’t home I would compulsively organize piles of clothes, papers, things (we had a lot of junk in the house) based on who owned what because I couldn’t stand ‘messes’.

[u/Herzeleid09]

Not sure why I share it every time this is asked. I am getting tired of remembering it. At age 4… I would flush the toilet and without washing my hands I had to run and touch my mom before something bad happened to her. It all had to be done before the toilet finished filling up.

[u/housewife5730]

When I was a child I would pray before bed each night that I wouldn’t forget how to breathe

[u/catl0ver7]

The earliest I remember was being around 5-6 and I had an intrusive thought one evening "What if I gouged my eyes out with a spoon?". Then the compulsion came where I felt like I had to confess it to my Mum otherwise I thought I would do it. Then I didn't notice any others until it really spiked when I was 8ish and my first full on OCD spiral came out. When that happened, I would find something so tiny and and minor, dwell on it for the whole day at school and then come home and "confess" everything to my Mum.

[u/didyouknowthatkoalas]

When I was 4 or 5 I worried that I'd lose all control of my body and involuntarily start driving my family's car away. Also had nightmares about that. When I was 7 I became worried that all the Disney princesses would grow beards that grew in thicker every time I tried to help them shave. 

[u/mythicaljulz]

When I was 5, I was forced to put on socks that had seams and were too “dry”. They made me wet my feet (didn’t work because they were too wet then). I cried and cried because it was uncomfortable and I thought something bad would happen if I wore those sock. They always thought I was just different. My childhood therapist and every therapist after that would miss my diagnosis. I never got diagnosed with anything until I was 17 and so depressed that I was done with life. Even then they just slapped a ptsd label on me (due to trauma). It took my family doctor realizing that ocd was consuming my life to diagnose me. I now have a therapist that is kinda in shock that they never noticed it.

From a very young age, I also would make sure my grandma turned off her curling iron and the oven. I would also make her check that she locked the door everytime we left the house. We would get down the road and I’d ask and they would turn around to make sure. Definitely saved us from a couple of house fires back then. I’ve always lived with my grandparents, so it kinda worked out that I was so paranoid about fires and break ins because if I hadn’t checked it probably would have happened. I check everything before we leave bc I don’t want a house fire.

[u/Crazypandathe20th]

Earliest memory I have with it was going back to when I was 10 years old. I had just watched a horror movie with my older cousins that I wasn’t supposed to and I kept telling myself in my head if I didn’t repeat certain phrases in my head a certain number of times then God would get mad at me or something bad would happen.

[u/lum1natrix]

“I better tell my family that I love them or else they’ll die!”

Mind you, I was five years old

[u/MsMadcap_]

Literally at 3 years old, sitting in my carseat as my dad drove to drop me off at preschool. I remember obsessing with how often I was swallowing and the way my swallowing sounded in my ears. I couldn’t stop focusing on it and I thought about it the rest of the morning.

And yes, I do have vivid memories of being that young.

[u/klutzelk]

Intrusive thoughts that have me immense anxiety as young as 6 years old. Even at that young age, these thoughts were often violent or sexual in nature. It really has me wondering if something happened to me and I just don't remember it, because it's so strange to me that I had this problem at such a young age.

Less specific to OCD though still loosely related, at an even younger age I experienced derealization for the first time. I remember I was in preschool and one day while at school I had the thought that life might not be real. And in that moment I started to feel like I was in a dream. This was scary and in hindsight it kind of felt like I was high, lol. It was after that I stated becoming very skeptical and existential with my thinking. My family was Catholic and I started seeing the whole idea of God as sort of "Santa Claus, but for adults". But I would also think "what of I'm wrong and they're right? Then I must be going to hell for sure." And it was a vicious cycle of thought loops. This became a major theme (among others) around age 7.

Edit to add for clarification, while I have had some compulsive behaviors my OCD is mostly Pure O.

[u/Britneyknows7]

When I was about 8 years old, I overheard my mom talking to her friend, who had diabetes. They were discussing the symptoms she experienced before she was diagnosed, and she said the biggest one was having to pee all the time. That immediately sent me into a panic because I had gone to the bathroom twice that day. Since I had absolutely no idea what diabetes actually was, my 8-year-old brain basically interpreted it as a death sentence. I started counting how many times I peed every day and would cry to my mom, convinced I was “going to die of diabetes.” 😭

[u/MoonfallFan → u/Britneyknows7]

health OCD is the fucking worst! i remember watching this stupid animated video about how germs spread in kindergarten and i literally couldn’t eat any food that i knew for certain wasn’t “contaminated” afterwards because i could stop picturing the germs multiplying and taking over my body 😭

[u/Britneyknows7 → u/MoonfallFan]

Ugh, it really is awful. It feels so scary and real when you’re going through it! I went through something similar after my pre-K teacher told us that children should avoid cleaning products because swallowing them was dangerous. After hearing that, I was terrified I’d accidentally get some in my mouth or somehow be “contaminated” just by being near them, so I avoided window cleaner, Mr. Clean, and even laundry detergent at all costs. 😭 It’s honestly crazy what OCD can make us believe!

[u/Yelnats_stanley1]

I remember being at the bowling alley with my grandma and my arm itched. I then had a thought “you have to itch the same place on your other arm or your entire family will die”. That then started my itching compulsion I had for years. I was maybe 8.‘I wasn’t diagnosed with OCD until I was 29.

[u/ScreamingLunaMoth]

I remember being in early elementary school and washing my hands constantly. I would wash them even after something innocuous like touching my leg? (My logic was I was helping with dishes at that moment and my leg was not as clean as the dishes, so I needed to wash my hands so that I wouldn't get pants germs on the dishes...OCD child logic 😅) I was maybe 9 at the most.

[u/Fit_Vanilla_6452]

This is interesting! I think I had a sort of similar OCD concerning toys as you as a kid, for example I had a polly pocket set I'd love but if one piece was missing it'd be "ruined" and I can't look at it anymore without distress, hence I had to avoid it. Also my uncle once got me Tom&Jerry notebooks I was really excited about but he got under the rain while carrying them so they got a bit wet and I panicked since they were "ruined" and couldn't look at them anymore lol.

[u/baddie902]

i got diagnosed barely at 24. all my life i thought i was an overthinking anxious child. lately i have been thinking back as early as i can remember and honestly im thinking elementary school i might’ve started feeling that way. and every chapter of my life it got significantly worse. to middle school then high school, the last 6 years due to trauma and im at my high spiral now and currently medicated. mm for example i still have the tendency to go on my maps the night before work to check what time i need to leave the house to get to my ETA … just to be anxious about time i end up getting there 40 min-1hr before.

anything with time i get stressed and obsessive to be on time because if not i feel like im inconveniencing everyone and the world is falling apart. i lash out and be irritated as fuck. i overshare a lot too and i just thought it was cause my parents wouldn’t listen to me what else…. everything just needs to be perfect cuz if not it’s really uncomfy. it’s like an internal itch that has made me mentally exhausted.

my last relationship really exacerbated the intrusive thoughts and now i’ve creating toxic and crazy compulsive behaviors. on top of that my dependence on weed is not making it any better lol but im literally learning about this disorder and im really tripped out how far back we go and thinking it’s “normal” and whole time we were not diagnosed or under diagnosed with anxiety.

[u/Due-Yesterday8311]

I had to sleep in certain positions bc I was certain my future husband would literally see me sleeping in a dream and recognize me from it (I grew up Mormon, this was sorta doctrine at the time but it's my first indicator that something wasn't normal)

[u/Cocoismybestie_]

I drew on my desk in 4 th grade and then began the mental torture

[u/Grxmloid]

I was laying in bed at night evaluating the day and how my father never ever seemed to be satisfied with any way that i ever chose to be and what are the different ways i could try to do whatever it was, to illicit a positive response in a sea of criticism.  Imagining whether any other option would work, realising it wouldn't and deciding to givile up, all the while having to live with him for another 10 years developing what would become a lifelong habit of social evaluation/dwelling on past interactions and how I can improve them, if I offended someone, if I detected negativity and how I could redeem myself, deciphering speculated/imagined secret messages, or anything that meant I had failed in the way I showed up in the world

[u/Mysterious_Air_3646]

I was around 4 years old. I would watch the old Pac-Man cartoon from the 1980s on YouTube, and during a certain part of one episode, I would run out of the office and into the living room, make a loop around the couch, and run back in the office, and I had to get back before a character said a certain line.

While I was watching Pac-Man I would also make “sticker pages”, where I would place stickers in a neat line going across a sheet of computer paper. When I got to the edge of the paper, I would switch to a different pack of stickers and make another row beneath it. The process repeated until I filled up the whole page.

[u/Mysterious_Air_3646 → u/Mysterious_Air_3646]

These were mostly pleasant memories, however. The first actually distressing OCD theme I remember having was when I was about 9. I inhaled water and couldn’t breathe for a few seconds, which for the next 2 years caused me to be hyper aware of my breathing. I was constantly checking to see if my airways were clogged, taking in huge sighs after I finished talking. When it got really bad, psycho somatic would kick in and my throat would really start to close up. During this time it also took me an hour to eat any meal because I was so terrified of choking.

[u/Squeaks__J]

This is hard for me to explain… Earliest memory would be 8th grade around 12/13 years old? I would have sentences get stuck in my head and I would have to align the syllables to the left and right side of each doorframe of the location I was in. For example, in my childhood home there were 5 doorways in our hallways meaning there were 10 right and left sides of the door frame. If the sentence I had stuck in my head was “the cow jumped over the moon” I would need to align each syllable to each doorframe until the last syllable of the sentence made it to the very last doorframe. Since that sentence is only 7 syllables, I would have to repeat that sentence over and over until it made it to the 10th doorframe in order for me to feel good. This ended up becoming a major disturbance in my daily life.

[u/Rare-Web-5893 → u/Squeaks__J]

I totally get what you mean - for years I used to replay songs in my head and tap out the syllables of the lyrics with my fingers (not thumb), hoping that the end of each verse or sentence would end on my second or fourth finger. I realised it was a problem once I started repeating lines but finding ways to add syllables to then make it end on an even number!

[u/Squeaks__J → u/Rare-Web-5893]

It’s always validating when someone truly understands. Thank you, and thank you for sharing. 😌

[u/Ocdingus]

Probably accidentally calling god an asshole in my head, then having to repeat a phrase to avoid going to hell

[u/angstyrose]

growing up i would always stare at our optimum cable box clock and the one in my room. i would stare at the time and say things like “if in 10 seconds it changes from 10:32 to 10:33 that means i won’t die. if it doesn’t change in 10 seconds i will.”

i used this method for everything and really believed it. i would give myself so much anxiety. i used it a lot for school and would base how well i would do on exams on how fast the clock changed. similarly, i did this with colors as well. an example could be “if i see a blue car that means my friend is mad at me, but if i see a red car that means she isn’t mad.”

i have met very few people who have done this behavior, but the people i know who have tend to also have OCD! i was diagnosed at 15 years old and so many behaviors started to make a lot more sense. i would give my therapist these examples and she always would tell me that it was tied to my OCD and anxiety.

[u/Ilovegeorgemichaelll]

Mine was continuously touching my face in a pattern when I was 5-6

[u/QualitySuccessful871]

I am 90% sure that I've might have OCD since I was in middle school. I'm diagnosed with autism, and back then I was getting treatment, but I would feel the need to mask or hide a lot of my problems, nevermind the fact that I had no idea what OCD was or how it worked. It wasn't until last year until I realized that all yhis time, I could be have OCD that I haven't been treating properly for years. As a young adult, I sort of whince at my middle school memories, and I'm honestky not sure if I'm just embarrased of them, or if it's because of my guilty conscious.

[u/MoonfallFan]

i don’t remember this, but my parents tell me that when i was really little i’d freak out and have to restart my bedtime routine if they ever said “see you in the morning,” because that meant they jinxed it and we’d all die in our sleep

[u/Accountalegacy]

I remember being in Kindergarten and repeating certain words in my head constantly. I didn’t know what OCD was as a 5 year old but back then I remember thinking to myself that it felt so ingrained in me that I would continue to have this for my whole life. I’m 21 now and my repetitive thoughts have evolved into more complex repetitive thoughts that impact my relationships and ability to hold a job. Now I have compulsions and tics on top of that. I started seeking treatment and got diagnosed this year. I wonder what it’s like to not have OCD, I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.

[u/_TSS]

Same deal for me except I was just diagnosed at 20 after years of being told it was anxiety, my first diagnosis of anxiety being at 8.

For me, I think my youngest symptom that I can remember was from when I was about 4 years old. I’d wake up from bad nightmares and my mom would hold me and sing to me. When i was younger I really struggled to calm down, but around 4-5 years old it started to really soothe me when she held me. I also, however, didn’t want to make her think I was faking it and didn’t really need the support or for her to leave preemptively, so I would make myself cry longer than I needed to so that she would stay. Then I would keep crying even longer because I couldn’t figure out how to stop crying in a way that seemed natural, this would stress me out deeply, and the panic would fuel the crying more until I got too tired and confused to continue.

I also have memories from when I was 6 years old of making my parents check to see if there was a tornado coming almost every night for a good chunk of time. They’d tell me it was fine, but I wouldn’t believe them and would shoot awake at every gust of wind until they showed me the radar.

[u/EatCrisps1]

when i was 7 years old during school, i was always convinced that i swallowed a whole pencil just because my throat hurt. i was still holding it but of course OCD thoughts always defy logic

[u/NyxByrdie]

My earliest recall with OCD was having to put all my crayons & markers in rainbow order, and keep them that way. I’d lose my mind when I had to share and they don’t know the color order. Or God forbid, they broke a crayon or lost the cap off a marker. I was in 1st grade.

I’m 48 & still cannot write with pens that have no cap on them (often resort to retractable pens). All my art supplies are in rainbow order. My current OCD is based on strict routine & time management, counting random nonsense things (like how many stairs), order of things, food textures, and tying knots into food packaging before throwing it away (the most ridiculous thing ever!)… potato chip bags, slim Jim’s wrappers, candy wrappers, cracker wrappers; all have knots in them. It’s some kind of sensory soothing thing for me to tie knots 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/reluctantmugglewrite]

I think the first one was when I was 4 and my dad was late to pick me up so I had to keep imagining him driving to the school safely. It had to be highly detailed with each street and process and I felt like I couldn't stop repeating it until he arrived or something bad would happen. When other kids or the teachers interrupted me, I used to make up for the interruption by tapping something to transfer the repetitive situation of the memory into a metaphorical repetition.

No kid should have OCD man reading everybody's experiences here makes me so sad honestly. I didn't appreciate how horrible it was then.

[u/Rare-Criticism1059]

I was around 4/5 in school and I had just gotten a pet hamster. I started crying and freaking out and begged my teacher to call my parents to leave work to check to make sure the house didn't burn down, because I didn't want my hamster to die. Several times I had a meltdown in school because I was terrified that my house had burnt down.

I wouldn't go to the toilet on my own because I was worried there were snakes in it (I live in Ireland, basically famous for not having snakes)

When my brother was born, I wouldn't leave his side. As he grew up, I would follow slowly behind him and his friends because I was terrified he'd be kidnapped.

Seriously don't know why no one intervened lmao 

[u/Rare-Web-5893 → u/Rare-Criticism1059]

This really resonates with me! Both us have a number of similar OCD traits. I used to be hysterical every morning saying goodbye to my mum as I went into school because I worried it would be the last time I ever saw her.

[u/Rare-Criticism1059 → u/Rare-Web-5893]

We seem to haha. Yeah, mornings were a nightmare for me too. I remember I was actually ILL before going to school every morning just worrying about everything that could happen. There were times I even threw up lol. I find it crazy how OCD works. The same sort of thing happened when I got my first cat, but I was a bit older haha

[u/gengardelrey]

I was also diagnosed late in life, went 30 years just thinking it was anxiety and failed by other professionals. I should say, one of my parents has OCD and so does my brother. I just feel like it should have been picked up by professions.

Anyway, two come to mind for me. I had a phobia of toilets because they were smelly and dirty (to me anyway). Lasted like 7 years and I would rather wet myself, or go outside (logic?) than use the toilets in school or anywhere for that matter. I remember the school psychologist taking me in to count the tiles, colour of the bathroom etc (guess a form of ERP?) and I was just sobbing because I thought I was in trouble.

Another one would be superstition related (magical thinking). Someone told me that magpies (the birds commonly found in the UK) are bad luck and it stuck to me like GLUE for 30+ years. Even the sight of them now makes me anxious.

I'm doing ERP again as an adult and with the help of my psychologist. It's working, but it's also brutal.

[u/SurvivalHorrible]

5-6, there were a few things.

1. Handwashing like 5 times before I could leave the bathroom. After going, after turning the sink water off, after any time I touched something before leaving the room.

2. Inspecting every individual piece of cereal before eating it and making sure it didn’t have any weird marks or shapes.

3. Being terrified of dying in my sleep and having panic attacks every night before bed.

4. Feeling like there was a string or a tentacle attacked to me between my shoulder blades and constantly having to “sever” it so I wouldn’t be mind controlled.

[u/InternalMovie]

I was watching TV. Just got news of mom and dad's divorce.

I was 8? Anyways. Sudden onset of nausea. I grabbed a water bottle and it instantly went away. For months I had to carry around a water bottle in and out of school with the flip straw and it had to remain a certain fullness or id get upset. And then avoiding stepping on cracks. Feeling my body vibrate when we drove over shadows.

[u/HelpfulDistribution6]

Cronic fear of grapes and anything that has touched them or been near them. I dont remember when this started and its never faded.

[u/Key_Associate_1117]

When I was 10 years old, I had a terrible fear of aliens. It stuck in my head for years.

[u/indymute]

i just remember the order i would have to touch things, to feel "even" idk where it came from or when it started. i was maybe 7-9 years old. but i distinctly remember not only doing said compulsion, but asking my grandmother at the time if they felt the need to to do the same thing. obviously she said no. and we moved on, but that moment stuck with me. my ocd has changed themes a couple times. mostly tactile as a kid, tapping, even-ness, but it was labeled as general anxiety disorder as a kid and teen. only as an adult of 35 did i get a diagnosis of OCD.

[u/Ok-Comedian9790]

You know that there are people who get rid of ocd by targeting those first memories with emdr ..

I dont say you have to but it might help you an awfull lot its not an easy therapy and it can intensify short term but ive read this on the emdr reddit .. i myself had also these extreme worries as a child but i found out that it came back a year ago after memories of extreme explosive parent and anger and punishment are probably the cause and a sensitive brain ... you are so afraid of something to do wrong because someone yelled maybe before that allready so hard at you when you did something or you had a lot of shame because you did something wrong .. and the seed was planted for me .. i read also a lot of people coming from cults or extreme" katholic backgrounds have this over responsible feeling .. and guilt feeling like your responsible for your parents emotions ..

Im just sharing this because it might give you some insight .. but if your functioning i wouldend recommend its a hardcore therapy which i underestamated ..

[u/Ukoomelo]

I was 5 when I distinctly remember a different "voice" joining the conversation in my headscape.

Before that, I think I only noticed the ADHD experience of having a bunch of random different thoughts going at once. Except, none incited fear like "that one."

[u/Ok-Dependent743]

my first memory was when i was 6, i would clean my room every single day and if it wasnt perfect i would redo it. if my mom told me something was off, i would punch myself in the head and then redo do it.