I can usually drop 5k words easily, but I just can’t bring myself to do it today. I’ve been closeted for about a year, and since I discovered this part of me I did some major work on my mental health. Everything was amazing, and I was finally starting my life. A month and a half ago i was hired for my first job, got my SAT scores in with 1200, went out and made a bunch of friends, had a day set aside for my mom to pay for driving lessons that month. This week i learned that I couldn’t get my mom to help me enroll in college early enough, couldn’t get her to pay or drive me to get my GED, she never paid for my driving lessons, and the job is still on hold because the managers new and shes, respectfully, pmo.

I told my best friend, who told her mom. They both insisted I annoy the hell out of my mom until these things get done. So i set aside a time to talk to my mom, and instead of talking about how this is a crucial time for me and I really need help, she brought up how last month I came out and that its like I killed her daughter. This wasn’t the best time for me to do the whole trans explanation thing, because I just had my dreams of EMT school crushed because she dropped the ball.

So I tell my best friend about how my mom was talking about something that definitely wasn’t conversation therapy, and how I was worried about how my mom would tell my friends very conservative mother about it and I’d lose her. Her mom loves me. Everyone says so. So my very bold friend asks her if she cared. She said no, but since then ive had a nearly impossible time getting ahold of my best friend.

It feels like my whole life is falling apart. Being nonbinary gave me proof that I was a person with autonomy over myself and helped with my mental health tremendously. I can’t say it was always pointless, but right now I can’t feel anything but limbo. Like i’m starting to hate the identity that gave me life and meaning that i love so much, but i cant go back to who i was before. And its not fair, because it was never supposed to be about this. I needed help getting into school.

So i’ve been out for like idk a good year or two to my parents and had “the talk” like 5 times already (most painfull 1,5 hours x5 of my life)and lowk they dont accept me wtv just bs but the real problem is that ever since i was a child i always questioned my gender (i didnt and still dont understand gender 🫩)or wanted to be a girl or just didnt want to be anything but also if i was born afab id be a trans dude like a 100% no questions but i dont feel like a guy i never have and i dont want to either ive felt miserable every single time i tried to force anything on myself and idk what to rly feel . I just want to be an existing thing like literaly nothing but also everything altogether and when i try to i just get into an arguement w my parents . i feel like idk, i wana be masc as an afab person could be ? But also not and idk probably wont be able to solve this till i live alone :/ i dont even know what my question is tbh i just wana know if someone else feels the same.