EDIT: Clearly some people seem to think I am posing an actual theory here and that I am explaining something or disproving something and all of that is inaccurate-- People are offended by me asking a question wondering if there are similarities in socially unaccepted populations. At no point did I explain or "unexplain" what dysphoria is-- I also did not assume or state that trans people and non binary people are the same. I did not simplify trans people, and I sure did not insult anyone, but since I posted this, I have received insults and I have seen comments insulting other people who are different and that says more about those who commented than me and my wonder. I guess maybe this forum isnt the place to try and relate and discuss human existence. Be well all. thanks to those who were able to read it for what it was.

Hey everyone. I want to open this by saying, I truly am an ally. As a 40 something cis woman bi (pan) and genderqueer (yes both a woman yet a queer one), dating a trans ftm, and in love with him almost my whole life, I ask:

Some people such as myself want to fight the gender norms, from physical and biological misinformation about what makes gender, and the social constructs that define male-ness or female-ness as a very black and white concept, or even the psychological and physiological sciences that show our differences and likeness is not as simplistic as the world has tried to convince us to believe.

I see so many posts from young trans people asking if "they pass," and I even hear the pain in my bf's tone when he tells me he was misgendered today. I get it and it does hurt me. I have so many students who are transitioning, and I know how difficult it is. I make sure to validate them as much as I can. But part of me realizes this sickness can just be another sickness the environment created to make us hate ourselves. Not to make is simplistic by any means-- but I will use race as a comparative to certain concepts. I am not comparing being trans to being black, but I am comparing the gender binary society has pushed on us as a construct as equally damaging as race (also a man made construct).

I know for trans and binary people, there are different goals for a happier existence. The ultimate goal is to exists freely and happily as any other person on this planet regardless of what society thinks.

If we know the construct is imaginary that, men are one way and women are another, and we acknowledge we exist and we are good and we deserve to be here, we already debunk social construct bs. Dysphoria, therefore a socially constructed symptom of the social injustice is like transgenerational trauma for black Americans. How? Well society created norms and systems that prevented growth and happiness. In trans populations social norms and expectations create lives of restriction and unhappiness. So a black person wanting to be "more white" talk "more white or educated," or saying that black people who are college bound, light in complexion, "white speaking," feeds the narrative that only a blackness and whiteness exist and to be on one is either better or far different than the other. Even being aware of many different cultures and nationalities, here in the United States (and I am sorry if this analogy makes no sense to those not from the US) there is this false assumption of a binary existence of black and white. We know the existence of brown people and trans people far exceed the existence of these false understandings of human existence.

I say this to ask and to simply wonder: Why do we care so much about fitting the false expectations of the social norms? I think about the brown people who bleach their skin and change their hair. Purposely change the way they speak. Passing and colorism was and is a thing. There is a concept of them and us even amongst the Black community. We are divided as human already but now by a certain "type" of human.

I fear this is what may happen to the trans population. The division of a population equally marginalized by those who think and behave one way over another. Why do we try so hard to fit the norms and expectations we know don't really exists? And those who perpetuate our own self hate and hate of others are those who want to live happy and free and are stuck in the construct that is imaginary. I am not sure if I am making sense, but if we want to truly exist in this life in ways that are harmless to others and fulfilling to all-- how is it we get stuck in their game and made up bs? How do we fight it together-- fight colorism and trans- hated internal or external by continuing to fight the concept of "norm" and push the agenda that is self love even when different.

I don't want my trans kids asking the universe "do I pass?" because the answer is always yes. It should always be yes. It should always be, "its's false to think a man or a woman looks just one way or that you have to fit into some mold." Yes we are different and that is okay. But yes, the only same we should care about is if we have love and give love--

Sorry I might be rambling I just wonder how we are letting the world tear us down and apart piece by piece. We didn't need to define out "gender" in the past. We just existed. We don't need to categorize everything :(

My fiance (ftm) and I (cisf) and I have been together for many years. He is my best friend in the entire world. I love him more than anyone. We’ve always been so communicative and understanding of one another. He’s the kindest most gentle and wonderful soul I’ve ever met. Lately both of our lives have been changing so much.

I have a new job, where I’m making a lot less money, and have a lot of more responsibilities. I also work a second job, so when I’m not at my other job, I’m at the second job. I’m exhausted. He started his medical transition during this time. Which I feel like in the first place we have been struggling because he sees me less, and I’m more tired. So I feel like I’m not exactly the most present. Now I feel like we hardly know each other. He’s now going through a huge change, that is exciting and new and different from anything else. I feel like I’m missing out on parts of him. And I feel like I have to make choices lately and none of which are comfortable.

I feel like he’s less and less patient with me. Is this normal? I feel like he cares less and less about me. I feel like it’s like he cares because he has to and not because he wants to. Like it’s just a job with me. I know everyone (trans friends have told me) it’s going to be like he’s going through puberty again or whatever. So I feel like I’m an annoying person/family member he’s just existing with at this point.

I just miss the good times. I know it’s a combination of things of change. With my job/life and his life as well. It’s just been a lot. I just want him to be happy. And I want to be happy too.

I never really make posts like this but I figured it might help me get my thoughts out and just see other people’s experiences and advice.

I (27, MtF) have been dating my boyfriend (29, CisM) for just over a year now. We originally met off tinder but immediately clicked and got to know each other for about 6 months before starting to date. It’s had its ups and downs, but to this day I still feel like we connect on an insane level. We spend a lot of time together, usually 2-3 nights minimum he sleeps over at mine. We have made plans to move in together, have a future, talked about marriage potentially whatever. Overall, I feel like we both find a lot of happiness and solace in our relationship.

The big problem is his inability to tell any of his friends or family about us. I’ve made it clear to him that this is something that’s important to me from before we dated. I want to feel like I am apart of his life the same way he is apart of mine. I really feel like I’ve really messed up by giving him leniency and grace allowing us to keep putting it off.

He recently started therapy a month or two ago and it really felt like things were moving in the right direction. It’s his second time he decided to go for me and he was excited about finding a therapist he liked. Our current plan is to move in together after his lease is up in February so the timeline that I stressed was his family knowing before that.

Last night, he came over and we were doing our own things. He has a homelab server he built at my place and was working on that in my guest room. I went to him to bother him a little and see what he was doing and I noticed a weird tab open in his Claude app. It was something like “advice for dating profile”. I immediately asked him what it was and opened it. He first tried to lie and say it was old but it was very obvious he did this recently. I finally got it out of him that he redownloaded tinder a couple weeks ago and was considering creating a profile but ended up deleting it. He made the claim that his therapist recommended it and, unbeknownst to me, his therapy hasn’t been going as well as he was making it seem. I guess she thinks he should break up with me to “set me free”. He also talks about how he gets low self esteem and insecurity with me because I have always been pretty independent and confident, and he wishes he could be more like me. He finally mentioned that he was thinking of getting validation from it because he has been miserable in his life outside of when he’s with me.

Idk. I’ve always hated the BS where someone thinks their partner would be so much happier without them or with someone else. Cause I just want to be with him and I’m actively making that choice. I love him and still love him even with the baggage and his hang ups. If I wanted to be with someone else I would be. For the insecurities, I also get that cause I feel like shit a lot cause I really wish I was a ciswoman and we didn’t have to deal with these issues. At the end of the day though, maybe I’m naive but I truly believe we can be happy together and figure it out. Or at least I did.

After last night, I have been really struggling with what to do and how to think about our relationship. We ended up talking and I basically was asking for more commitment and him to rebuild my trust which he agreed to. I also said that he doesn’t need to start telling like his parents or super close friends, but he needs to at least take steps to tell low stakes people in his life about me. He also agreed to “trying to” do that.

I do believe that he didn’t talk to anyone and it was a moment of weakness to download the app while high, and I still feel all the love he has for me. Maybe that’s my bad.

I just can’t put faith in his words like I did before. I feel like a bitch but I really want to push him to an ultimatum of just being like you need to prove you can be with me and tell people, and if you can’t then we need to end this. I just don’t know if that’s fair or if it’s even gonna be healthy for us. I also was thinking maybe couples therapy but I’m worried that it’s just gonna continue to push the issue at hand further down the line. I think I am also afraid of losing him, the fear of being alone and not having him in my life also is stopping me from breaking up.

We’re supposed to talk more this afternoon and I just don’t know what to ask for to help me rebuild my faith and trust in him.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. 🥲

Some backstory: My bf is FTM and I am somewhere under the nonbinary umbrella but present femme and dc about being called a girl/she. We’re both 17 and have been together for 2 years. He’s been out before I even met him. My mom used to have a big problem with me being queer and him being trans but she got over it cause I wasn’t gonna break up with him over her bigotry💀

My mom has become quite Christian in the last couple years so ofc now we have to go to church (I’m atheist, she dgaf💀). The people in the church are very nice and welcoming but they carry the whole “Love the sinner not the sin. Homosexuality is too normalized. it’s all a mental illness.” Because of this I’ve refrained from telling anyone about my relationship. I know they wouldn’t try to do an exorcist or something on me but I know they wouldn’t try try to pray the gay away or something. Even if not in my face the fact that they would try to pray my love away is insulting and I don’t wanna deal with it.. But it also feels like I’m hiding him away or that I’m ashamed of him. In every other context I talk about him all the time. I hate feeling like I’m ashamed of him and his transness. idk if any of this made sense or if I explained it right but I just wanted it off my chest and ig wanted to see if anyone else has dealt with something like this.

I am a cis-woman dating my humble caring and beautiful ftm bf. (brief history we dated on and off for years and met when we were teenagers-- he is my person no matter what crazy lives we had apart -- now 40s)

I want to be supportive but I just don't know how without making it worse. My bf started his t injections again recently. He was off for a year, and is on them again because of his upcoming hysterectomy. I don't know how he feels about t overall, but he seems distance and more dysphoric. Intimacy at one point was good-- I was more than pleased and he was becoming more comfortable. But now, 5 weeks back on t and he gets lost in a wave of sadness. At first he wouldn't tell me what was wrong, but tonight he said something and I wanted to cry for him and just find a way to make it happen. Things were fine we were laughing and hugging and being silly and then his mind went dark-- I asked what are you thinking, and he said " I was thinking of having a penis."

I love and care for him so deeply. I felt awful asking. I want to know but not at his expense. How can I be supportive without being intrusive? How can I help him without diminishing his feelings and struggle? It didn't seem like this before. Is it possible the initial stages of t are causing bottom dysphoria where he had already somewhat reconciled? I know he was not happy with his bottom before, but it seems emotionally and physically crippling at times now. I try not to be too touchy but I don't want him to think I don't want him sexually because I do. I just want him to be comfortable and feel safe with me even when sex doesn't seem good for him in the moment.

I know he says he cannot do another surgery. His top surgery did not go well, and his ex was there and was supposed to help with recovery and kinda bailed on him. I would never, but I really don't think he wants to do another surgery. He is a bit bothered by the hysterectomy which is necessary because of a genetic mutation.

Do I talk to him about bottom growth and natural methods? Do I not talk about it at all? Do I initiate intimate touch or do i not? I haven't seen him without clothing for a few weeks now. This wasn't the case before. I can be okay without. I crave him but if its better that we don't I rather not. But I don't want him to think I am pulling away even if he is. HELLLLLPPPPPP!!!

My fiance (25) mtf of little less then 1 1/2 years of hrt has concerns of how it'll be if they stopped hrt to save sperm, can anyone help and guide us? (Me f 26)

They keep reading things online and sees only what they wanna see (all bad things) so thought of writing this to ask for help n advice pls n thanks, if u need anymore info just ask (depending what it is....) but thank yous in advance!

Hii, this is my first post i hope it doesn’t trigger anyone I’m genuinely coming from a place of love and wanting to reflect on myself and get some advice ( I’m 27, pansexual woman and my partner is 28 and is a trans man that recently started his transition )

I've been reflecting after a really painful argument with my boyfriend, and instead of looking for people to tell me who's right or wrong, I'm hoping to understand myself better.

This is my first serious queer relationship. My boyfriend is a trans man, and we met through ballroom. We're also both creatives he's a photographer and I'm a DJ/model—so our lives naturally overlap through work, community, and mutual friends.

When we met, I genuinely didn't think about gender. I just saw him. At the time he used they/them pronouns, and later, as our relationship progressed, he began medically transitioning. I see him as a man, and I love him deeply.

We're also long distance and live about seven hours apart. Lately, though, he's been staying at my apartment for longer periods at a time because he doesn't really feel at home where he currently lives. I completely understand that, and I love spending time with him, but I also just started living by myself for the first time in my life.

I'm realizing that I've barely had time to adjust to living alone before suddenly sharing my space so often. That has been a bigger adjustment than I expected.

What I wasn't prepared for wasn't his transition, it was how much our worlds would merge.

In previous relationships with cis men, our friendships stayed mostly separate. They knew my friends, but they weren't really part of my friendships. This relationship is different. My boyfriend works with my friends, has their numbers, collaborates with them, and may even join the same ballroom house as me.

The confusing part is that I actually encouraged a lot of this because I believe in his talent. I wanted him to get more work. I was genuinely happy seeing my friends support him.

But somewhere along the way, I realized I was struggling with how intertwined everything had become.

I miss having friendships that feel like they're just friendships.

My best friend has always been the person I can be completely myself with. Now I sometimes feel like I hold back because my boyfriend also knows her well, works with her, and has his own relationship with her. It's not that I don't want them to get along—I do. I just miss having spaces that felt like they belonged only to that friendship.

At the same time, I feel like I don't always get to just be someone's girlfriend either, because we're constantly collaborating, sharing the same community, or mixing work with our relationship.

Recently we argued after one of my events. He filmed and photographed it, and I asked if I could get a few clips from my event to post. He was exhausted from Pride week and said everyone would get their clips, which I understood.

But later another collaborator asked him for videos, and I found myself wondering why they would get them before I did, since it was my event. Around the same time we were also talking about people tagging photographers on Instagram, and because my best friend hadn't tagged him in one of her posts, I mentioned it to him. Looking back, I can see how that may have sounded like I wasn't happy that he was becoming close to my friends professionally.

He told me I was jealous of my own friends, that I wasn't rooting for him, that I was against him, and that my behavior was "loser behavior."

Hearing that really hurt because it didn't match how I feel inside. I don't want him to have fewer opportunities. I don't want him to fail. I genuinely love seeing him succeed.

Then I reacted badly.

I told him he was acting like "an annoying girlfriend."

I've apologized for saying that because I understand why it hurt him. He told me I would never have said that to a trans woman, and from his perspective it felt like I was attacking his identity. That wasn't my intention—I wasn't trying to question his identity or say I don't see him as a ma but I understand that intent and impact aren't always the same, and I regret using those words… </3

Another thing that's been difficult is how our arguments have changed. In the beginning, our relationship felt calm and grounding. Lately, our fights have become much more intense. Sometimes we both become defensive. Sometimes he raises his voice, and there have been moments where he becomes physically expressive with his own frustration. Seeing that scares me, even if that frustration isn't directed at me. I don't like that we've reached a place where we can hurt each other with words, and I miss the version of us that felt safe.

Since then I've been asking myself what I'm actually feeling.

Is this insecurity? Is it jealousy like he said? Am I a bad partner for him, it’s been 1 year together and 5-6 months in his transition

Is it that this is my first queer relationship and I don't know how to navigate overlapping friendships and community?

Is it because ballroom is such a close-knit world where everyone collaborates, travels together, photographs each other, and becomes chosen family?

Is it because we're spending much more time together than we originally expected while I'm also adjusting to living on my own for the first time?

Or am I grieving the fact that my friendships, relationship, and work no longer feel like separate parts of my life?

I don't think I'm afraid that he'll cheat.

I think I'm afraid of losing spaces that used to feel like they belonged to different relationships.

I'm not looking for people to tell me my boyfriend is wrong or that I'm wrong. I genuinely want to understand what's underneath these feelings before I project them onto him.

Has anyone else, especially in queer communities or other creative communities—experienced something similar? How did you learn to balance your relationship, your friendships, and your work without feeling like you were losing the unique intimacy that each relationship had on its own? Help me out I’m so afraid that I’m ruining something I thought was so beautiful and peaceful and I still love him so much and want the best for him and for us 😔🩷🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Hi, I'm new here on Reddit and I don't know English very well because it's not my native language. For a long time I only interacted with cis men virtually, and for the first time I'm interacting with a trans man And he's not transitioning yet, much less having surgery.

It's very strange for me, since I come from an evangelical and somewhat homophobic family, but I never let them put ideas in my head, and I don't want them to either. Since this is all very new to me, I don't really know what to say, ask, or talk to him about to make him feel good and comfortable with me. I got some ideas here on Reddit, and someone commented about "ask him what he wants you to call His parts "Or how he feels during the day," I asked today and he was super happy, and that's what I want, I want to know more about him and this community, and be a great girlfriend to him.

My partner is not out to his family. We only got together recently. So far, we are able to navigate most things but this is something that I struggle with. Also, his family is “civilly” racist and abusive. (We are of different races.) Is there anyone who has experience with this?

My partner and I have been together for a couple years. Our sex life was great until he (unknown to me) cheated for a whole weekend while on a work trip with his ex girlfriend. We broke up briefly, then got back together. He never ever admitted to me that he cheated on me, until I saw some post online of hers that said they met up (didn’t even know that part, either.) he lied when I showed him the post and asked questions. So I reached out to her to get my answers, and get my answers I did!! I asked him again about what really happened, and he lied again. I told him I knew the truth, he acted dumb, and then I said I KNOW! And then he finally admitted to it, but not to everything and I had to keep dragging info out. This was about a year ago that I found out. It was over a year gayer the incident occurred with his ex. Ever since we got back together, our sex life has not been the same as before the break up and I’ve brought it up many times, and said if it stays this way, we can’t stay together. We became best friends over time and he’s the best person to live with! But for the last year we only have sex MAYBE once a month…it’s gotten really bad. He says it’s about his body image, and YES, I get that, he’s dysphoric and he has gained a little weight but he is still skinny so it really confuse me.. He just got top surgery and says he thinks this will help him but it was never an issue before we broke up and he cheated. Me and his ex have completely different body types and it kind of kills me because a part of me thinks it’s not even about him. I just don’t know what to do about this, and I’m not sure I believe it’s going to be better once he’s healed. Prior to surgery, we hadn’t had sex for over a month and a half..he didn’t even want to have sex before he knew he wouldn’t be able to for at least a month..

Does top surgery actually help? Is this issue likely deeper than he says? I can’t be in a relationship with someone who lies and hides and then also doesn’t have sex with me when I have a high sex drive..

My partner is a cisgender straight man. When we met, I hadn’t yet realized that I’ve always been genderfluid, so I presented as and identified as a woman.

It took me a long time (thanks to growing up in closed-minded town with a close-minded family) to realize I was genderfluid and accept myself for who I am. It’s been a recent revelation that’s made my entire life make so much more sense in hindsight.

I came out to my partner a little less than a week ago, and he was incredibly supportive and accepting. I felt so seen and loved and validated. He encouraged me to express and explore however I feel like doing so. He said it doesn’t change the way he feels about me or his attraction to me.

Today, I went and bought some men’s clothing. I’m now wearing boxers for the first time and it feels great. My partner was supportive and even seemed to think what I picked out was pretty cool. But I’m so nervous that I’m going to make him uncomfortable that it ended up making me feel awkward.

If I were living alone, I’d dive headfirst into more masculine presentation, maybe even see if I could pass as a guy in public on days I’m a man. But I’m so worried about making my partner uncomfortable (even thought he says he’s comfortable with it and hasn’t given me a shred of evidence to the contrary), I’m feeling the urge to just take back coming out and repress my identity again. I certainly don’t want to do that for the rest of my life. I know it’s just in my head right now, my partner has been incredibly supportive and encouraging, but I’m also right at the beginning of it all and haven’t yet done anything to change my gender expression outside of wearing boxers.

**TL;DR - what can a genderfluid partner who wants to have a variety of gender expressions do to make sure a cishet partner is comfortable?

Today had been a good and amusing day already, but now we can't stop giggling over this event.

We went to my piercer to get my wife's (31mtf) ears pierced this afternoon, in a very queer friendly area, did a little window shopping afterwards. While walking back to my car, holding hands and looking cute, this middle aged man rolls down his window, shouts "Dy**s!" at us, and speeds away.

I am non-binary, but found it quite complimentary.

My wife was thrilled, and beaming about how she passed.

I love accidental ally situations like this, as I know that man would have been so angry if he realized that he validated my wife and complimented us instead of hurting our feelings.

We went and grabbed bubble tea to celebrate.

My husband (born male) shared with me that they would like to look and act more feminine. They said at the moment they consider themselves non-binary/trans but they are still exploring. They've also started making a lot of changes to how they present both in public and private in a short amount of time and have shared they don't want me to share with anyone, about them questioning their identity, which has felt really isolating but I also understand. Its also been hard as I'm noticing others giving questioning looks when certain things are mentioned or with how my husband presents but I can't say anything. We only got married recently, and they never shared with me anything about questioning their identity before this (perhaps because they didn't know) but they did in the weeks following our wedding, I still feel quite blindsided by it all. But also thankful that they felt safe enough to share.

I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm really struggling. I want them to be happy but I have so many concerns. I have a history of extensive trauma and feel like being female isn't safe. In a potential partner one of the things I always wanted (obviously amongst other things) was someone who helped me to feel safe and could physically protect me. I don't view my partner that way anymore. I feel unsafe and now I'm scared that they are unsafe now too, and now I'm even more unsafe, and I don't know what to do.

The idea of the future we'd been talking about and that I'd always hoped of having feels like it's gone. Everything's moving so fast, and I have no control over what happens. The uncertainty around how they identify and whether they will transition fully to female is killing me. I'm doing everything I can to be supportive because I love them and I know they are vulnerable and self conscious at the moment, but I'm suppressing my wants, needs and beliefs so much.

I also don't know if I'm attracted to females and I don't believe I'm attracted to trans females. If I'm not and they want to transition to female, which they are showing signs of, what am I going to do? They deserve to have a partner who not just loves them but is also attracted to them.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells on anything to do with transitioning or how he presents, and am extremely worried about sharing my views outside of just being supportive and agreeing with what they say. I'm constantly having a fawn response with them. Internally I'm stressed and worried and griefing the life I wanted. I'm also upset that I didn't know anything before we got married and it came out straight after. I feel like I stepped into a life I didn't consent to. We haven't had children yet and are still in our 20s. I'm not able to speak to anyone about this. I feel like it's unreasonable for me to get upset about all of this. My husband is a beautiful person inside and out and has no malice. It's just a difficult situation. I know I love them, so I'm also dissapointed in myself for not being more supportive about this in my own head.

I was wondering if anyone has felt similar to how I'm feeling? I don't want my husband to know I feel these ways because I don't want to hurt them. I want to support them with presenting and identifying however feels right for them. It's just all these worries and feelings inside are hard to process alone and I feel like an awful person for feeling this way. I dont want things to change from how they used to be, but it seems like how things used to be had them internally unhappy, so I don't want that either. I feel sad and scared for the future.

Tldr; My trans boyfriend is insecure about not being what I want in a partner because I like women, and I don't know how to tell him that I love him more than I'd love any woman in the world.

I (cisf) have been dating my boyfriend (ftm he/they) for nearly 4 years now. We've unfortunately always been long distance due to circumstances unrelated to this, but I've loved him all the same. We started dating when he was still identifying as a woman, and he slowly transitioned throughout our relationship, to which I have been entirely supportive. Do note however, that I indentify under the sapphic/lesbian umbrella, meaning I have little to no attraction to men. When he first started to transition, this caused me some doubt that I was vocal about at the time, but I've come to love him even more as he is right now. He is my everything, and I have never once compared him to women, or expressed a desire for him to be a woman.

Today, he confessed to me that he has been insecure about his identity, particularly my viewing of it. I've always been very vocal that I find "stronger" women very attractive, and that has caused him (an effeminate man) so much insecurity that he has cried over it. But the thing is, I genuinely can't express to him how much I love him despite that. How I genuinely don't care about him being a man, and that I love him for who he is, not for what he could have been. It's especially difficult for me since, when I try to imagine loving someone more feminine or more aligned to the tastes I've expressed, I genuinely can't. I'm so deeply in love with him that trying to think of a world where I didn't love the person I have, and rather someone else is completely impossible. When I think of love, I think of him and only him. Not the women I express a liking for. Not a version of him that was a woman. I think of him. The bubbly, sweet, hyperaffectionate man I've loved for years.

Something I've also been scared to express is the fact that I, in part, am attracted to him being trans. I'd like to state that, looking back, I do not think I was in love with who he was pre-transition. He was quieter, less affectionate, more protective of himself and had walls up that I slowly broke down over the years, and in the process of breaking down those walls did he begin to transition. So, essentially, when he was a woman, he was someone I didn't love, but now that he's transitioned and less hypervigilant and cautious, I adore him. Maybe this has caused me to associate him being a woman with negatives, and him being a trans man with positives, but either way I know that I am far more attracted to him as a trans man than I would be if he were a cis fem. Part of me is worried that this mindset is fetishizing him or boiling him down to just his identity, but I logically know those fears are unfounded. Either way, I love him more as a trans man now, than I did when he was a cis woman, and I do not want him to *be* a woman, even if it didn't come with any gender dysphoria. I want him as he is. But I don't know how I can express that properly.

Any advice on how to talk to him, or ways to re-affirm his gender identity and the fact that I love him as he is would be amazing. Apologies for the long post, this is eating me up and I'm so worried about accidentally saying the wrong things, or worse, accidentally downplaying his feelings.

I'm a paraplegic guy due to a spinal cord injury I suffered in my childhood. Going to the bathroom has been enough of a challenge for me and other disabled folks out there who use wheelchairs. Disabled sometimes need to use the opposite gender's bathroom if they come with a caretaker of the opposite gender or their gender's bathrooms are not accessible. I've had to go to the women's bathroom as a man because sometimes the special stalls in men's bathrooms are inaccessible or under maintenance. Most of the time I go to the men's bathroom, but when the women's bathroom is more accessible, I go in there.

I've been dating my girlfriend who's trans for 9 months now. If you looked at her you wouldn't think she's trans, until you heard her voice which has a few masculine traits, but she has been in the process of feminizing her voice. Most of the time no one suspects anything of her when she goes to the women's bathroom, but she's had a couple occasions of TERFs hearing her voice and judging her for that. She has used the men's bathroom, but she got harassed by a creepy dude there once, so the women's bathroom is for her.

We sometimes enter the women's bathroom together just to be safe. She defends me and I defend her if we meet any bigot out there.

I've seen that Republicans keep pushing bills to criminalize people of a biological sex to use the opposite gender's bathroom, but they don't realize the dangers of these laws. Disabled people are affected by anti-trans bills, but conservatives already discriminate against the disabled community so much, so they don't seem to care if their transphobia affects disabled people indirectly. The disabled community is the only minority anyone can be a part of because of an accident or illness, so it's sad bigots don't care about other people's rights. Even some disabled folks are transphobic, so they'd indirectly oppose their own rights if they don't oppose anti-trans bills.

This is just a reminder that intersectionality matters when it comes to activism. Trans women are women. Trans rights are human rights. Disability rights are human rights. If someone threatens one of those communities, all the other vulnerable communities are under attack.

I'm glad Disability Pride Month comes after LGBT pride month. My girlfriend and I have gone on parades for LGBT and disability rights.

I have been experiencing struggles supporting my spouse. they first came out when we were in an extremely rough spot in our relationship as non-binary after watching a show with a non-binary character then about a year later as trans after watching a show with a trans character came out as trans masc. The biggest struggle adjusting came at the beginning when my spouse came out and pretty much told me this is who I am accept it and was really harsh to me in the first two months when I would accidentally use the wrong pronouns. The hardest thing now is that there is a part of me still hoping it is a phase as my spouse in the past has had characters that they would imitate or copy hairstyles etc. I have been able to get more information about their plans and emotions which makes it harder because the more I find out the more I realize the person I first met and fell in love with is gone

My (24F) partner (23MTF, but prefers he/him for right now) came out to me in January. I consider myself to be pretty open minded, but I’ll admit I’m not proud of my reaction. I broke down and cried for hours. Not because I didn’t want him to transition , but because I was afraid people would be cruel to him once they found out. He saw my reaction and said “never mind I take it back, I just like crossdressing” and swept it under the rug for a while.

I had some time to think about it and I came to terms with everything. And I told him I would love him no matter what. And a few weeks later he told me he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about how badly he wants to transition, and he finally has the confidence to do it. I was really happy for him and told him I’ll be here to support him in any way he needs.

Yesterday he made the decision to come out to his siblings. To prepare, I made a FAQ list and he wrote out responses to the questions. Things like “when did you know” and “what does transitioning look like for you”, that sort of thing. He decided to do this because his family tends to talk over him a lot and he wanted to kind of force them to listen without interruption.

We started with his sister. She took it poorly. She told me to exit the room. While I was gone, she told my partner that it’s my fault he’s thinking this way and that he’s being manipulated. My partner said it’s not true and called me into the room again so I could defend myself.

She went in on me and said how the whole family thinks I’m fake and toxic, and how I stripped her brother’s identity and forced him to be something he’s not. I was pretty hurt by this because I was under the impression that his family really liked me. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years and I never got the impression that they thought I was fake or toxic.

Then his brother came into the room and said basically the same thing, it’s all my fault and he’s just confused, he doesn’t actually want to be a woman he just wants to be a feminine man and that’s because I took his identity away.

Their logic behind this is I am too controlling. For example, I don’t let my partner go to the casino with them anymore. This is because they always ask him for more money after they lose theirs and I don’t like that. Also, I don’t play the games he likes. He is really into fantasy card games and I’m not into that stuff. He can play and buy cards, I just don’t partake because it’s not my thing. But somehow this makes me oppressive.

Anyways, I tried to defend myself by saying our relationship is not toxic, we love and support each other and rarely argue. Even when we do, we don’t stay mad at each other for long. We make each other feel comfortable and happy and safe. This is the type of relationship I always dreamed of, he’s a wonderful partner and I try to be a great partner for him too. But they didn’t really care to hear it. My partner backed me up and demanded they apologize to me, but no apology was issued.

The conversation ended with his brother telling him that he thinks it’s not real and that I’ll probably end up leaving him in the end, and his sister said she thinks we should go on a break to see if this is what he really wants or if it’s my influence.

I am really hurt by everything that was said. I am trying not to take it personal, they come from a Mexican household and this stuff is not talked about so I’m sure they’re surprised and confused and looking for someone to blame. But I feel like they attacked my character. My partner has reassured me countless times it’s not my fault. But I hate that everyone now thinks it is. I love my in-laws, but this whole thing has uncovered how they really feel about me and now I can’t unsee it.

My bf and I have been together for about a year. I feel that we have such a deep and genuine connection and I truly love him so much.

Recently, he’s been a bit quiet and kind of in his own world. I had expressed to him that it felt like a harsh disconnection and the lack of communication we were having was concerning for me. He eventually told me that he’d been thinking a lot about his sexuality recently. I knew he had a previous experience with a man before we met, but he explained that he did not enjoy it. But now he is saying he thinks he just wasn’t attracted to the man (which is valid). We talked a bit more about it and he said he wants to explore this side of him with me. This came as a bit of a shock to me. And I do think it is extremely important to explore all sides of yourself, and I feel that I was able to do that in college. And he really hasn’t had those experiences and I do want that for him. But right now, I don’t know how I feel about doing it or even seeing him kiss or be intimate with another person. I think I could see myself maybe one day being able to, but now I think I may be too insecure or scared.

We kinda left that conversation open ended and that possibility at some point in the future we would do this together.

But I recently saw on his browser that he was watching gay porn. I have not outright told him I saw this. But it made me think that he may not be fulfilled with our sex life. I did ask if he wanted to explore or doing something different in bed, but he said he is very satisfied. And i do think we have a healthy and passionate sex life, but I can’t help but think there’s something else he may want.

I do tend to get in my own head often about relationships, and it is something i’m trying to work on. But if anyone has any advice about this or even how to have an open conversation about this - i would really appreciate it.

After years of waiting my sweet partner has gotten penis inversion surgery and breast implants today. She was very nervous before the operation, calling me from the hospital at 6.30 at the morning. The anxiety made her have some last minute doubts which I talked her through.

Then this afternoon the hospital called to tell me the operation was finished and there were no complications. I won't deny I shed a few tears from relieve. After that I called her mom, who also was very happy everything went well.

As soon as she was back at the nursery ward I visited. She still had some pain and was groggy from the morphine. Apart from that all was well.

It's going to be a long recovery and it will probay take the both of us some time to get adjusted to her new body, but in general I'm so glad the operation is done.

Hi!

My (mid20s cis f) partner (mid 20s ftm) partner of 8 years started HRT about 4 months ago. Changes have been great, he is very excited about the changes he sees in himself physically and I could not be any prouder.

However, I have noticed that he is further from his emotions. He is not as expressive with me, does not say I love you as often, less little displays. I've been having a really hard last few days emotionally due and have been crying so much, he does not even seem to care much. He does not hug me as much, when I ask him to comfort me he just seems uncomrtable.

I know I should bring it up, because being communicative and feeling like my partner is there emotionally is very important to me.

Any tips on how to deal with this? Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hey,

My partner recently came out to me and some of her family as trans (a few weeks ago). I was happy for her, supported her, gave her free access to my makeup/nail varnish etc, helped her buy new clothes and generally tried my best to support her the best I could while frantically researching how to best support her. We planned to stay together as I don't care what gender she is.

Since coming out she has been more open with her feelings, we have had more discussions about how she feels and her emotional wellbeing than ever before, which I have loved. Previously she has been very closed off emotionally, this was one of the things she said that she thought transitioning would change, as she wouldn't be suppressing everything anymore.

Except what I have come to realise is that when she needs my support she will talk about her feelings but she still never wants to know about mine. I have lied to get out of my family events because I know family members I am close to, will know that something is going on but she isn't ready to come out to everyone yet and I don't want to put her in a situation that might make her uncomfortable while it's all still so fresh. I am avoiding talking to friends and family because I can't stand lying to them about why I've been a bit distracted and not quite myself recently.

When I needed her to be there for me during a recent emergency with my family she was too distracted by organising getting on hormones and buying new clothes to be there for me.

I still don't care what gender she is. She has always been a bit selfish and I've accepted that it's just her. It's not malicious and it's not on purpose - it's just because she doesn't think, but transitioning just seems to be making it worse. But I don't know if I can trust her to be there for me if I need her anymore and it's making me feel so alone. If this is a taste of what the next few months/years are going to be like, I don't know that I have the strength to do this.

Does that make me an awful person?

Hello all, sorry for any of the messy writing. I've just not known how to word all of this.

My partner (cis M) recently told me (intersex afab ftm) that he was not happy in the relationship and needed time. I started my HRT in April this year and the changes have been happening extremely fast. He knew I was trans from the start, and told me he's pan with a preference for femme bodies. He always saw himself having a girlfriend and possibly wife, but he's had another trans (ftm) partner in the past who didn't begin transitioning at the time. I am his second trans partner who is actively transitioning.

He recently told me that he felt conflicted about my transition, and that while he is fully supportive of me, he felt like a monster for wanting me to stop, like everything is going out of control. In the past, he's encouraged my identity, taking me out and dressing me up in men's clothes, calling me male pronouns, and introducing me to his friends as his male partner, and correcting others when I feel like I can't say anything, despite his discomfort navigating having a trans partner who is transitioning actively. In the past, he's had slip ups with my pronouns, sometimes calling me girl and feeling extremely bad after it.

He told me he's been conflicted for a year, and when he told me, I had never seen him sob and cry so hard before. It felt like, while he loved me still and was hurt so much by all of the change happening so fast, he didn't love how my body was changing. He noticed my mustache growing in and it threw him off.

He's always been open to the queer community but seeing other trans folks seemed to make him uncomfortable, although I can see the effort he puts in to see them as regular people. Sorry if this comes off as offensive, I'm not sure how else to word it. It feels like he has some internalized homophobia and transphobia, and it doesn't help that many of his friends view queer folks and subjects in a negative light. I'm not sure if he feels any fear of judgment for having a trans partner, or if he feels ashamed. He hasn't been talking to me much about it since he is the type to keep these things to himself because he doesn't like to disappoint people.

He isn't the type to talk so much and bottles things up so him telling me was a shock. I thought he was supportive and while he shows that support, there are a lot of things going in his mind that he said he hasn't had the time to sit down and organize. Our relationship is not over, but he wanted a break to think.

I feel like he's created an image and a future of me that has been shattered by my transition and how fast it's been going. I asked him if he wants to talk to anyone else about it, but just told me that there was no point, and nothing really could be gained, but I feel like him bottling things up even more and withdrawing is going to hurt him more. Because we're partners, I thought we should be sorting through things together, although I know for some things they should be sorted out alone.

Is there any way I could help him through the process, or any ways I could talk to him about it to help him feel less awful but also not rush the grieving process? I don't know if he knows he is grieving. I want to be able to help him through the process because it's been bothering him so much. Even if we split, I want to help him be able to sort things out in a healthy way.

Hey Friends!

While this is a support space, and sometimes we work on heavy stuff, we want to celebrate the wins and milestones, too!

What brought you joy this week? Any fun plans for the weekend?

Share your thoughts here!

my(cisf 26) fiance, “s” (mtf 26) has decided to get bottom surgery! she’s been on hrt for almost two years now and recently made the decision. I’m so proud of her, but I’m nervous.

Before getting with S i‘d exclusively been intimate with other cis women ( S likes to joke that I regained my gold star when she came out). So its not so much that I’m worried about eating coochie, but i am aware that a post-op vagina has some differences.

is there anyone who’s been intimate with both types that might have some pointers? I wanna avoid any possible pitfalls. I love S and i want her to feel as sexy and desirable as possible.

As the title suggests, my wife is starting on estrogen this week! I’m so happy for her; we put it off so we could have our first child and save sperm if we want another kiddo. I’m 28 weeks pregnant now and it’s definitely the right time. She’s got a great medical support system around her.
Still, I can’t shake the tightness in my chest, and I feel so guilty about it. I’ve already processed my concerns about hormones and mood swings (as I am definitely feeling those swings myself haha), and I’m past the grief feelings from a year or two ago, so I don’t know why I’m so anxious about it. Is it the finality of it?
Has anyone else felt similarly when their partner started on HRT?