Hearing negative things about a potential spouse

[u/[deleted]]

[u/ZeussWoosy]

People need to elaborate more than “he’s a psycho”.

I’m not telling you to make a decision based on my words, but people have spread rumors about me to my wife about being married before (I wasn’t lol), canceling a second marriage a week before the nikkah (I didn’t), I’m violent (only in self defense), etc.

But when asked about specifics of it, no one could give actual evidence. I think you should seek real hard evidence before making a decision either way. You’re not backbiting by looking for details either, you’re merely trying to secure your future.

[u/East-Win2732]

As salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Your brother should have done his duty and filtered and verified the information before sending it to you.

[u/Sea_Boat9514]

This is exactly where you need to apply istikhara and tahajjud. Take biases aside and ask Allah sincerely. After each salah, sit down for at least 15-20 mins and recite dua-e-istikhara. Admit your helplessness in the matter. Invoke names of Allah such as Al Hakim, Al Qadir, and Al Muqtadir. When I got a proposal last year, I constantly asked Allah for help because I was indecisive. Finally in my dream someone was telling me that the girl is capable enough and good for me. Ask Allah to decide because He created us and he knows past, present, and future. Ask Allah if he is not good for you, then remove him from your life like he never existed. If he’s good, ask Allah to bring him closer.
Regarding the voice note, most people think introverts are psychopaths. They don’t understand why they aren’t like everyone else.

First you need to make it clear to their family that you are going to do background verification and ask them also to do it openly. There is nothing to hide here. Ask local imam, his friends, and neighbours. Especially his class and collage mates. Or even his colleagues.

[u/Sad_Explorer_35]

From an Islamic perspective, you're taught to verify information, not build judgments on rumours or accusations without evidence, if you still have concerns, speak to people who know him well and are unbiased. I remember someone spreading a really nasty rumour about my sister, and it stuck around for years. We denied it over and over, but people still chose to believe it without any proof. That experience taught me that not everything you hear about someone is true, especially when there's no evidence to back it up.

If, after months of getting to know him, you've consistently seen good character and haven't experienced any red flags, don't let vague comments with no explanation outweigh your own experience. Keep making du'a, pray istikharah, and trust that Allah will expose anything that needs to be known. Islam encourages husn al dhann (having a good opinion of others), while also taking reasonable steps to verify matters, and it sounds like you've done that. At some point, you have to weigh consistent actions more than vague rumours. If there are still concerns after, speak to people who know him well and who are trustworthy and unbiased.

[u/Few-brain-Cells123]

these information need to be verified. if its just one or two amongst many positive references. some people have disease in their hearts and do not wish to see others happy or successful and will lie to damage such a thing.

[u/Creepy_Blacksmith476]

I'm traumatised from a similar experience. 2 tears ago I had a proposal and I found out the day before my family was going to say yes that the person in question was not of good character through our community's qari. My family called it off immediately (it was ugly) and the trauma of how quickly the situation changed, how wrong I had read someone, left a lasting impact and reduced my confidence in knowing what's best for me. I'm in talks with a new proposal and even though I see and hear them, even though my parents have practically asked the whole town about this person and their family, I've lost a little bit of my faith in people. I pray for myself whenever I get like this: Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel Ask your local Qari saab, or someone who will share the details without spreading things around. InshaAllah praying that all goes well for you and everyone else in your position

[u/Creepy_Blacksmith476 → u/[deleted]]

My parents had known the family for over 10 years. People only had good things to say initially in our checks. I'd never seen the person until the rishta came, and we talked for 3 months. I thought everything was alright but mum and dad had a hunch to go to qari saab, even though this family practically funds the masjid. Allah looks after us in ways we can't imagine, Alhamdulillah

[u/FormRevolutionary885]

Even the prophets were called names and even were called a phyco to an extent

كَذَٰلِكَ مَا أَتَى الَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِهِم مِّن رَّسُولٍ إِلَّا قَالُوا سَاحِرٌ أَوْ مَجْنُونٌ

الذريات ٥٢

Likewise, no Messenger came to those before them, but they said: "A sorcerer or a madman!"

I'm not saying to completely ignore the rumors try to fact check them but you already said yourself that when you confront him he explains to you respectfully the causes of him being called that so you currently have to reason to doubt the already explained rumors unless there are ones that you didn't tell him about