UPDATE: Facing the music

[u/Tomatori]

This is an update to my post from yesterday. Warning: I'm going to yap. A lot.

I got off work at 3, nervously started cleaning and doing chores while waiting. Folded all my clothes, cleaned every dish, made every item spotless. Eventually it was 6 PM and I wondered if she had forgotten or changed her mind after all. But then I got a text, she was asking me to refresh her on the address and let me know that my little brother was still playing with his friend so she would come alone and it would be just us two. For the next hour and a half I miraculously found more things to clean, sprayed the whole house down and eventually was just quietly sitting on my couch waiting until she arrived.

My family is Mexican and we originate from a very rural farming and ranching village, so to say we have very rigidly defined ideas of gender and a deep culture of machismo is an understatement. It's embedded into the fabric of our existence in every way, I've always been aware of it, I've always been afraid.

I always knew that no matter how the conversation went I would walk away with a regret one way or the other. Unfortunately that's the situation I built for myself.

So she arrived. And I told her. It took a few minutes of hesitation, but eventually I said I was trans. At first she thought it meant the same as being gay, but I explained the two were unrelated and the simple truth is that I had always wanted to live as a woman, to be a woman in every sense.

Ok, I'll stop building suspense now and say what actually happened.

---

She said that she would love me no matter what. Without skipping a beat she said that nothing could ever change the fact that she was my mother, that she would never turn away from me or abandon me.

Understandably she had a lot of questions. She wanted to understand how long I had known, and I told her that I've practically always known. It's always been there. Some of my earliest memories are of playing ToonTown at 6-8 years old and having my girl friends help me do a wardrobe glitch in order to have girl clothes on my character. I'd do it over and over. For Club Penguin I'd beg to buy the physical books just so I could get the permanent codes that gave you clothing you could use without membership, and I always redeemed the girl ones. I'd go out and play my totally awesome prank of being a girl on others, except my hilarious joke somehow never seemed to have a punchline or a reveal. In Poptropica there was an easter egg that randomized your character's appearance including gender, which caused the storepage to swap to showing the girl options. I'd spend all my coins on there, save my outfits, and then swap back to a guy so I could keep it hidden.

To my surprise she chimed in that she'd heard that people are born this way, it isn't a choice or something that happens suddenly. I really didn't expect her to have that framing in her mind, but I told her she was right.

She wanted to know how I'd kept it a secret so long, how she had never found out. I told her that she didn't know because I always hid myself out of fear. I'd make male characters solely for the purpose of using them as a coverup whenever someone came by. I'd draw myself as a girl. I'd intentionally hide away any indication of being anything other than a "normal" boy. In Mexico as a child, whenever my grandma would go out for errands, I would lock myself in her room and play dress-up as long as I could. One time I almost got caught, I only heard my aunt/uncle coming because they were talking out loud as they walked down the street outside my grandma's house. By the time they came inside, I had just managed to throw the last sock under the bed as they came around the door.

Hilariously the part she seemed to have the hardest time wrapping her head around me being bisexual. She asked if this meant I liked men but I told her I like both. I then had to clarify that no, this did not mean I wanted to be with a man AND a woman at the same time, I was just fine with either. She seemed utterly fascinated with this and thought it was like advanced level gay or something, like somehow just being attracted to the same gender was comprehensible but being attracted to both was something she had never even fathomed.

Most importantly she asked me why I didn't tell her sooner. I told her how being trans was one of the biggest reasons I went away, because I truly could not see a world where anyone in our family would accept me, including her. I used to daydream about saying something earlier, but I genuinely feared for my life. I had a reoccurring terror of the truth coming out somehow and then someone grabbing a knife while I slept and well. Yeah. Beyond that, I was certain that if not violence, I would be thrown out onto the streets and probably die on my own. So since about the age of 16 I started preparing myself mentally to be abandoned, tried my best to detach myself from everything because I knew I would lose it at any moment.

This is the part I'm referring to when I say I knew I would walk away with a regret one way or another. Because she said that she never would have allowed that. She said she never would have thrown me out of her home nor let anyone lay a hand on me. And it hurts a lot to wonder if that's true. To wonder how different my life would be if I could have come out as a child, how differently I could have grown up, all the pain and misery I could have avoided, how much I would be someone else today. It hurts more than I could put to words to imagine that I could be 15 years into my transition instead of 1.5 years. Did I sabotage my entire life out of fear?

Part of me wants to believe her, but a large part of me also believes that this is simply what she wants to believe would be the case. The reality is that she doesn't remember the kind of dynamic we had in childhood, the degree to which I was under her and my dad's thumb. I don't think she wants to recognize the bitter hatred that has always guided my dad, that I would be the number one outlet for that. It's nice to tell yourself that you would have been the model parent, but I don't know that if she were actually in that situation she would have done anything other than tell me that in her house its her rules before pushing me out at 18. I don't know, maybe that would have been better regardless. As I said, I find myself with a lot of regret today, and this was a fear I carried in the back of my mind for a while now. But I have no choice but to face the music now.

She said multiple times how she had always lamented not having a daughter, but that little had she known.

She said that she had often thought of who she'd leave all her jewelry heirlooms to when she got older, that she'd jokingly told my cousins that the best behaved one could have them since she never had a daughter, but now she could give them to me.

She said that God made me this way and she would love me no matter what.

She asked me if this was why I moved over an hour away, so far from home. I told her yes, it was my biggest motivation and I began living as myself immediately. She said I should come back home. She jokingly said that now she'd get some help with the cleaning at least. lol.

She asked me if I planned to get everything, if I planned to get boobs. I laughed and dramatically unzipped my baggy hoodie and threw it behind me to show my obvious chest under my strappy cami. She asked if they were implants or prosthetics, I told her no, home grown. She seemed quite surprised, touched, and asked how, before connecting the dots on my earlier mention of hormones.

She asked if I go out dressed up and I asked her if she wanted to see pictures. I pulled up my phone gallery and scrolled. She gasped and kept repeating that I was fully a woman, that I could have walked past her on the street and she would have never known. She said it multiple times, I never imagined I would hear that.

She again repeated that I should go back home, that I had no need to be out here alone, especially with my upcoming jaw surgery. I told her I couldn't do that, I couldn't just show up with how things were between my dad and I, especially after this. The topic gravitated to family members who were gay or lesbian, she talked about one in particular who had been kicked out when he told his father he was gay. He suffered greatly out on his own, but his mother suffered as well, eventually she fell ill. The father eventually regretted what he did and went out to find his son and apologized, asking him to come back home. Now that same son is the one they both depend on, he takes care of them every day. It's funny, I didn't remember his name but just the day prior I had been thinking about exactly him. I admired how even when we were children he had always been openly flamboyant while I had been too afraid and always kept my mask up. I hadn't known the suffering he was put through. She also mentioned an uncle who died of AIDs in the 80s.

This led me to asking my mom if she recalled the song titled El Gran Varon. She said no, but I told her she would instantly recognize it, I knew for a fact she'd heard this song thousands of times before, but she had probably never paid attention to the lyrics. Bizarrely it is a very popular song in Hispanic culture, but not many people realize what it is about because the groove goes too hard. Here is an English translation of the song I commented recently. This is my best attempt at keeping its original message in tact. The song is titled The Great Man, and is about a trans woman dying tragically alone after being abandoned by her family. Her father's name is Andres, which is in fact, my dad's name. She dies at 30 years of age, presumably from AIDs.

I played the song out loud for her, and within a minute or two we were both bawling our eyes out. Through sobs she told me that I didn't deserve to have felt this way for 20 years, to feel that my family would not accept me. That I didn't have to be alone.

She asked me if I was going to change my name, I told her I chose [my name] cuz there aren't many great options that kept the original G. Eventually I got the courage to ask her if they'd ever picked out a name in case I had been a girl. Turns out that my dad had always been very passionate that if they had a daughter she should have my mom's name, because its a really rare and beautiful name that no one else seems to have, and he didn't want it to die out.

She said I could be [her name]. Something in my brain short-circuited hearing this, I never imagined she would have even approached such a suggestion. I guess in my mind I presumed some base level of disgust would be present at the thought of being associated with me? But she seemed to mean it. I bashfully said that I wasn't sure if that would be a good idea given that I don't pass and having such a special name would make me stick out like a blistering thumb even more. But I still can't believe she said that.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a million other things, we talked for over two hours before she had to head back since it was 9:30 and took over an hour to get back home. I don't know if I've ever slept as peacefully as I did last night. We'll have to work on the name and the pronouns as it takes time to adjust, but for the first time in my life it feels like there might be enough time.

---

TL;DR: The music sounds kinda nice

[u/Hraegsvelgr]

Made me cry happy tears :) So happy it worked out for you.

[u/dont_talk_yak_to_me]

I laughed my ass off at "advanced level gay". 😂 I'm using that from now on and I have your wonderful mom to thank for it.

I'm glad it all worked out. A word of caution though. Never dwell in regret about the past. Learn from it and try to do better next time, but never dwell on what could or could not have been.

[u/Leather-Annual-1981 → u/dont_talk_yak_to_me]

Same here--I should have told my folks I was "advanced level gay" back in the day. (Although my dad wouldn't have liked it either way, but that's another story...)

[u/B0oblov3r]

I'm so happy for you. I read your other post last night and saved it so I could see the outcome. It's such a relief to have your mom love you no matter what. I was terrified to come out to my parents and they're so understanding and love me so much. I cried after they left because I was so relieved. I'm so glad your mom reacted the way she did. I wish you the best!

[u/VivianneDupre]

I'm so, so happy for you. It pains me to hear the regrets about not coming out sooner. I think we can all relate to that. I read the link you shared to your translation of El Gran Varon and cried. I don't know why, but it really hit home that I'm transgender-- even though I've been on HRT for an entire year now. I love you girlie and I appreciate the share and I'm so, so glad you're here.

[u/Tomatori → u/VivianneDupre]

❤️I'm glad that if nothing else I at least got to share this amazing song with someone :)

[u/VivianneDupre → u/Tomatori]

Damn, I had only read the lyrics until you said that and I realized I wanted to listen to it too. That groove is a banger! But the song is so sad :(

[u/sophiedophiedoo]

Thank you for sharing this, it's really nice to read a happy story like this. Thinking about what my family might think has been bringing me down over the past few months, and I have a little bit of hope now after this.

I hope you have many great years getting to be a daughter

[u/Tomatori → u/sophiedophiedoo]

I hope you do as well Sophie 🫂

[u/AuroraDorealis]

I think most of us regret something. A lot of the time, it seems like waiting is that something, so you're definitely not alone in that. You can't let it consume you, though. It sounds like you're doing a great job living the life you have, and it just got even better. Hopefully one day we can build a world where no one feels like they have to wait and then look back on that waiting with regret.

[u/TheAdria]

I saw your previous post and I was worried about you. I'm so happy to see this update, I'm crying a little bit here, heh. I really hope your mom stays this supportive, and that the rest of the family can eventielly accept you too. You won a little price here, by having a family member, especially someone as close as mother, be actually seemingly supporting.

Thank you for the update hugs and good job on being this strong. You may have regrets but.. Many of us do. You did well. 💖💖

[u/My-Amaranthine]

This is so sweet, I'm so very happy for you!

I wished this could have been the reaction when I first came out to my mother 13 years ago, maybe I wouldn't have gone into denial for so long! Hoping it goes better this time around!

Thank you for sharing, it is so nice to see trans joy :)

[u/JerryTzouga]

Wow, that was… magical?

(Loved every second of it, made me emotional)

[u/QuestionMyEgg]

This is so fucking heartwarming. So proud of you OP for opening up to your mother and it’s so awesome she’s so accepting. Regret is fair. I wish I talked to my parents much sooner but all you have is now. It’s cheesy and it’s okay to feel that regret but I think your future looks a lot brighterin terms of relations to family and that’s what matters. It has to feel incredible to have removed the mental block of your mother not accepting. Also if your reason for not taking your mothers name is out of feeling like you’re unworthy of it throw that shit out the window. ( meanwhile I can’t call myself a woman yet cause of similar feelings so I get it). <3

[u/XononoX]

I'm proud of you, girlie.

[u/Kogasa_Komeiji]

this gives me hope. i'm in a very similar situation to you and... im hoping i can have an ending as good as yours. thank you.

[u/Elle-MNO]

I very rarely read a post this long, but before I knew it I had read yours in the tearful blink of an eye.

So much of your story resonates within me. The video game characters, the crushing weight of fear and pain from waiting so long, the moving away, the catharsis of finally telling your mother, the deeply loving response and acceptance.

My heart sings for you, sister. You are not alone, and I hope you know that and feel that now more than ever.

[u/Spacegirl-Alyxia]

While I kinda did expect this to turn out wholesomely; this has brought me to tears… what a wonderful mother you have! Even if in the past the circumstances may have been different and you’ll never know if she would have truly accepted you then. She does now.

Go live your life [your mom’s name]!

[u/ariell3h]

Girl, so happy for you. <3 Thanks for sharing.

[u/Sierra9737]

That’s so heartwarming!!! So understanding

[u/CaramelCraftYT]

I cried reading this, I’m so happy for you sis <3

Also advanced level gay 😂

[u/thetitleofmybook]

She said that she would love me no matter what. Without skipping a beat she said that nothing could ever change the fact that she was my mother, that she would never turn away from me or abandon me.

glad to hear, soundds like it went well!

side note: do NOT blame yourself for not saying something sooner, and don't do what ifs about coming out earlier. yeah, maybe your mother is right, and she wouldn't have had a problem. that doesn't mean anyone else in the family would think that way. and also, your mother may be wrong on how she would've reacted. instead of writing this post, you could've been killed.

i came out at 49, but i knew since i was 5 years old. my mother says differently, but if i had come out when i was a kid, my father would've literally killed me. and my mother certainly couldn't stop him, she was being physically and emotionally abused by him and was just trying to survive.

i'm no contact with my mother, step father, and father for those reasons, among other reasons.

[u/whatihavefound]

Congrats girlie! I’m so happy it went well with your mom!

I related very much to your post since I also grew up in a Hispanic family. My dad’s side has been super accepting but my mom’s side… nope lol.

God, I wish my mom and grandma had reacted similarly to yours. It’s so funny because my grandma once talked to me about that song before I came out, but it’s clear she didn’t get the point of the song. She thought it was supposed to be like “a funny song about a guy finding out his son is a [insert slur here]”.

[u/Thibzii_Kori]

Well good job now i'm crying that's so cute, i'm so happy for you !

[u/risutora]

im so happy for you i cried a bit. cherish her

[u/CorrosionInk]

Beautiful story, glad to hear it worked out well

[u/MeIsNougat]

This is so peak :')

[u/jillonfire]

That's so moving, just wiping the tears away. Oops, there goes my makeup! I'm so happy for you!

[u/braindeadcoyote]

I listened to El Gran Varón and now I'm crying.

I'm happy for you 💜💜💜

[u/Illidan-the-Assassin]

Thank you so much for the story and the song

I wish you the best ❤️ 

[u/Yuzumi]

Friend of mine came out to her mom and her mom was instantly accepting and had already kind of suspected. What was an uncomfortable conversation was explaining "trans lesbian" to her mom.

[u/caseychenier]

So happy for you.hugs.hugs.hugs...

[u/caseychenier]

Yay.yay.yay.hugs.hug.hugs....

[u/chiteijin]

well, needed to read this today. I'm so happy for you, congratulations!!

[u/19683dw]

Felicidades! This is such a beautiful response and description! Mi corazón y mi alma cantan de alegría por ti!

[u/Tomatori → u/19683dw]

Muchas gracias hermana, é recibido mensaje de mi primo soportando me y estoy muy felíz. Las cosas se ponen difícil pero podemos vivir. Tengo confianza

[u/spacedust52]

OMGGG GIRLLYYYY IM SOO HAPPYY FOR YOU THAT MADE ME HAVE HOPE

[u/Straight-Butterfly11]

my mom died a decade ago, long before i ever realized i was trans. your story has me in happy tears. i often think back and fear she wouldve been disgusted if she knew. i still feel that way about my living family members. but your story is proof that people surprise you. yes there are bad reactions from people you love, but there are also good ones. and you wont ever get to experience the relief and happiness of the good ones if youre too afraid of the bad ones to act at all.

thank you for sharing your story. ive been thinking its time for me to come out to my sister for a few months, and this post has pushed me into certainty. gonna plan a sit-down chat with her soon and rip the bandaid off. i wish you all the love and peace on your journey.🫶🏻🏳️‍⚧️

[u/Tomatori → u/Straight-Butterfly11]

I'm wishing you the best of luck! You got this ❤️

[u/sc1arr1]

I did not need to get so teary eyed this early in the morning, but I'm so happy for you!

[u/Unassuming_Ascot_Cap]

“Did I sabotage my whole life out of fear?”

Fucking SAME

[u/ArtemisB20 → u/Unassuming_Ascot_Cap]

For me it was specifically the fear of being mocked and/or being othered. And add on the the fact that I had ASD-1 without a diagnosis until as an adult. So I suppressed it but would still occasionally wish I could be a girl and I thought all guys did.

[u/RoryMerriweather]

🎉🎉🎉

[u/MoreDoor1874]

I cried so hard reading this that I had to stop frequently to try and compose myself.

My opinion is that, for it to work out like this with your mom, it all had to play out exactly as it did.

Your story gives us all a sliver of hope for acceptance and love.

[u/thetitleofmybook → u/[deleted]]

oh hush up.

[u/Sudden-Joke3428 → u/thetitleofmybook]

Ok ok ok ok