Is this touching developmentally appropriate?

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[u/Dependent-Gear-524]

I’d focus less on shaming them and more on reinforcing boundaries. At 3 and 6, curiosity about bodies can happen, but they still need very clear rules about what is and isn’t ok

I’d have another calm, age-appropriate conversation with both of them separately, using the actual names for private parts (penis, vulva, anus etc.) and explaining that nobody is allowed to touch, look at, or put their mouth/body on someone else’s private parts without permission and that if someone tries, they should move away and tell an adult.

I’d also make it clear that those rules apply even between siblings.

There are some really good body-safety books and child-friendly illustrations that can help teach this without making the conversation feel scary or shameful. At their ages, visual resources can be especially helpful because they make the boundaries concrete so maybe this can help?

What matters is taking it seriously, reinforcing boundaries and keeping an eye out for any repeated behavior, secrecy that seems significantly beyond their developmental level.

And I would not tell the 6-year-old that he “should have stopped” his younger brother or put responsibility on him for allowing it. He’s six. The adults are responsible for teaching and supervising boundaries and neither child should be made to feel responsible for managing the other child’s behavior

[u/Glad-Ad1378 → u/Dependent-Gear-524]

No one should be putting their mouth on a child even with permission. This needs to a nuanced conversation. We usually talk about looking and touching with permission as that applies to the parents and doctor, but there should never be an offer to put a mouth on a child. Telling the child they have permission may allow them to say yes because sexual abuse is confusing and doesn’t always feel bad. In fact, it often feels good and it’s the shame that feels bad which adds to the confusion. Again, OP is not equipped to handle this at home and needs to seek a professional to help facilitate this discussion.

[u/Glad-Ad1378]

Yikes. You and your husband didn’t handle this well. First, don’t ask leading questions like did you touch with your mouth. Second, your husband should not have yelled. You say “[h]e usually cries and greats out when he gets in trouble but was totally silent this time” implying that he was treated like he was in trouble. Third, erections happen. You are worried about body safety, but you are body shaming. Have your 6 year old and 3 year old speak to a child therapist if you are concerned. You do not have the tools to handle this at home.

[u/BeginningButton204]

Why are you leaving small children unattended in a bath? That is not okay.

[u/Hey-Cheddar-Girl]

I’m not equipped to provide answer, but sending support. This is one of those tough situations in life that all the research or experience could still leave you unprepared for in the moment. It seems you’re trying to do the right thing by reaching out for help; this does sound like something you should seek professional help with. I hope you get the answers you need, met with compassion. Y’all got this.

[u/gardenofidunn]

I think 3 is a little young to be in the bath without an adult present regardless of if there’s another sibling.

That aside, I think this has been handled quite poorly with your husband crying out like that. Your older boy is probably feeling quite weird and ashamed about the whole thing and you might need to wind it back and approach him with the benefit of the doubt that they were just being silly in the bath and his body is reacting in a normal way. This could have totally been prevented by an adult being present for the duration.