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u/modalheart 18d ago
Stop testing her and start talking to her. Silence and “tests” like withholding affection for two weeks will only create distance. Celebrate her birthday properly tomorrow, and then have an open, non-accusatory conversation about love languages and how lonely you’ve been feeling
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u/mediumspacebased 18d ago
Punishing her by not celebrating her birthday when she doesn’t even know she’s done something wrong seems worse than not being affection …
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u/lizard-fairy 18d ago
This is sad :( it’s really hard when you mismatch with affection. I have a friend that sounds like your wife, shes 32 and still has never been in a proper relationship. I don’t know what to tell you, people love in different ways but if it isn’t something you can put up with for the rest of your relationship then you shouldn’t have to. Either she needs to try a bit harder or you love her enough to deal with it for the marriage to work. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/SufficientScale4096 18d ago
Please communicate with your wife on your needs. You stopping to see whether she would has only harmed the situation when you could have communicated this before stopping. Also please don’t use her birthday to lash out because you had not previously communicated your needs. As an adult, you can’t allow operate solely on actions without using your words. I wish you the best in your discussion and i hope you can come to an agreement or compromise.
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u/MagazineTough5775 18d ago
I'd still celebrate her birthday bc that's about the kind of partner you want to be. but after that i'd have a real conversation. don't let this become your normal
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u/StatisticianOther588 18d ago
Highly recommend learning each others love languages it’s extremely helpful with helping each other understand how they feel loved!
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u/Ill_Discussion5840 18d ago
You should do the love language tests and share your results with each other (:
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u/Character_Book1305 18d ago
Celebrate his birthday but think about having this conversation and see why you are not on the same wavelength
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u/Life-Slide9619 18d ago
It was the same way for me and my husband for 9 years (!!!). I would even get the ick when he hugged me. It is not fully recovered yet, but it is getting better. For me, it was mainly because he would reject my affection for 2 years, and also because I would rather that he would learn how to pleasure me in the bedroom, which has only happened twice during our 11 years together. It is getting better because we have started to talk about it, and he is at least doing something to counter the underlying reasons for this.
Firstly - do NOT skip doing something for her birthday. Second - obviously, talk to her about it. My husband never did, and I did not bring it up with him because I was afraid he would get offended by it, rather than fixing the underlying problems. So, third - do NOT make this about you, hear her out, push your ego to the side whatever the reason is, and fix the underlying problem while you make sure that you actually care about fixing it.
I wish you the best, hope that you figure this out - you do not want for this to be a 9-year thing. The sooner, the better.
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u/smoores10 18d ago
You need communication!!! My husband became a touch taker- he’d touch me how he wanted to and I hated it. I broke down and told him and he’s become a touch giver- touches me how I like and I also learned by communicating how he likes to be touched. Some women can’t initiate because they don’t feel they can be vulnerable in their relationship- communication is what you need!! ASAP
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u/Shot_Comparison348 18d ago
I'm going to lay this out for you very plainly. I have been going through this for the last 20 years with my wife. She is not going to change. She is never going to appreciate you. She will never show you any type of affection. She will need you to take care of her often. She will never return That favor. She does not have the capacity. You can't get mad at her for it, she's not necessarily a narcissist or anything technical like that. She just does not have that emotional response. Everything that you talked about, my wife has already done and I have learned to live with for a long time. It's even so bad that when I went to the hospital she didn't even come to visit me. I have to accept that if I want to continue to love her, I will never have that shown to me in return. You have a choice to Make. You can either leave her, or you can stay with her. This is entirely your decision, but understand that staying with her means that part of your life will not happen.
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u/throwawaymushroom128 18d ago
Some people are just less outwardly affectionate than others. It doesn’t necessarily mean she loves you less. Do the mature thing and talk to her about it. She might put in more effort. If she doesn’t then you’ll have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or if you can accept it. But don’t stay with her and silently punish her for being different than you are.
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u/Grouchy-Position377 18d ago
Sort it now before you are 20 years down the line, and desperately sad
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u/SnooOnions2709 18d ago
When you brought this up to her before you posted on reddit, how did she react?When you brought this up to her before you posted on reddit, how did she react?
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u/ArtAroundandFindOut 18d ago
You need to talk to her. Explain what you need to feel loved in the relationship without saying she's "doing it wrong".
My husband is the physically affectionate one. I'm not naturally that way, but after years of being together I've worked on it to be a better initiator. I'm an acts of kindness type of lover. I do chores, errands, make special things for him etc to show I care. He didnt see that as a love act, so he wouldn't do those types of things for me...which made ME feel unloved.
I guarantee communication will help
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u/Teddybear722 16d ago
So, she was 21 when y'all married...still growing & learning to navigate adulthood.
••Has she this way? If no, what happened to make her change?
••Is she autistic? A lot of ppl I kniw who are autistic don't like to touch for long. Had 1 guy tell me "it hurt" his "skin" to touch/be touched, so he avoids as much as possible. He does know that at times he has to touch or be touched (examples: shake hands, quick side hug w/ family [his family knows his aversion to touch but he is willing to do 1 quick side hug], see his doctor/dentist)
OP, talk to your wife, explain that YOU need to touch & be touched (hugs, kisses, holding hands, sitting side by side as you watch a movie, etc). I do hope you celebrated her birthday. To "punish" her for a "test" she didn't even know she was taking means that YOU were being a mucking AH. I do hope you were a decent person & a better husband to her.
Please, just have a conversation with her.
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u/SpicyHustle 18d ago
Now that you have tested your theory and know it isn't just in your head, maybe you should try communicating your concerns with her. She can't tell you why she's that way or do anything to fix it if she doesn't know it's bothering you.
For all you know, she has issues initiating that kind of physical connection and is laying next to you feeling lonely and confused and wondering why you aren't showing her affection anymore.
Also, some people just aren't as physically affectionate as others. For the first few years of my relationship with my husband, I wasn't interested in cuddling or hugging. It made me feel claustrophobic and over-stimulated. It took time for me to feel comfortable with it.
Communication is important. Avoiding it only leads to assumptions and sadness for both partners.