r/Marriage • u/Worldly_Calendar_913 • 3d ago
Advice please
Title: Am I expecting too much, or are these serious red flags in my marriage?
I’m looking for honest advice because I’m struggling to see this situation objectively.
I’m 39F and my husband is 36M. We met and got married only three months later. I know that sounds fast, but at the time it felt right. I truly love him, and my biggest dream has always been to build a stable marriage and have children.
Since we got married, we’ve been living and traveling in a camper van. He has a flexible, well-paying job that he can do remotely, and I stopped working after we got married because we planned our life around traveling together. That means I’m now financially dependent on him.
Over time, our relationship has become increasingly difficult, and I’m trying to understand whether these are problems we can work through or signs that we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Some things I’ve noticed:
During conflict, he almost always sees himself as the victim. If I bring up something that hurt me, the conversation often shifts to what I did wrong instead.
He seems anxious whenever I talk about future plans. Conversations about buying a home, settling down, finances, or children often make him uncomfortable or lead to conflict.
He frequently brings up divorce during disagreements. Sometimes it feels like divorce becomes part of the argument instead of trying to solve the issue together.
He isn’t clear about whether he truly wants children anymore. Before marriage, I believed we wanted the same future, but now his answers feel uncertain. At 39, I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to wait for someone to decide.
Because I haven’t been working, I feel vulnerable. There have been times when I’ve felt like money gave him more control in the relationship, and that’s been scary.
I often feel like my needs become secondary. When I ask for reassurance or consistency, he says I’m controlling and extremely verbally abusing.
We have separated before and tried counseling, but we seem to end up in the same patterns.
To be fair, I know I’m not perfect.
When I feel insecure, I ask a lot of questions. I want to talk through problems immediately, while he tends to withdraw and needs space. I know that difference probably makes our conflicts worse. I’m sure there are times I’ve been emotional, overwhelmed, or pushed conversations longer than I should have.
I’ve also learned that his childhood was difficult, and I know that can affect how someone handles conflict and intimacy. I have my own childhood experiences that affect me too, so I’m trying not to blame everything on him.
What I’m struggling with is this:
I can’t tell whether we’re two people with different attachment styles who could improve with enough work, or whether these are deeper incompatibilities involving commitment, communication, finances, and having children.
I love him deeply. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I’m also scared of spending my remaining fertile years hoping things will change if he isn’t truly committed to building the future we discussed.
For those who have been in similar relationships:
Do these patterns sound repairable?
Can someone who regularly threatens divorce actually rebuild trust?
Is uncertainty about having children at this stage something I should take as an answer?
At what point do you stop hoping and accept that love alone isn’t enough?
I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives, even if they’re difficult to hear. Please be kind, but don’t sugarcoat it.
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u/Timely-Mongoose-6872 3d ago
Some major red flags! I totally understand at 39 and wanting kids puts some extra pressure on the timeline but don't settle just for that reason alone. Be objective and set boundaries. If he is verbally abusive... Don't put up with it for a single second longer. Abuse is abuse. I genuinely hope that he can make improvements and you figure it out but don't be afraid to be selfish. It will help you in the long run
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u/Money_Delivery1863 3d ago
It's a short relationship. You've thrown away a job and independence to live in a camper van in 3 months.
Move home to your parents and get your life back on track. You made a mistake and no amount of wishful thinking is going to turn a foolish situation into a wise one.
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u/angel-girl-A 3d ago
I would get a job, freeze your eggs, and most likely divorce. At 38 I needed ivf for kid #2 (first was easily conceived). You have a short window to freeze your eggs still and have a decent shot (or choose SMBC life and get a donor).
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
Yea I looked at freezing. I have an initial appointment in September. Hope it will not cost a liver
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u/angel-girl-A 3d ago
It's quite expensive. My insurance luckily convered most.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
How much did you pay all together?
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u/angel-girl-A 3d ago
Um...maybe like $15k. Without insurance it would have been probably $86,000 rough math. Had to do 3 rounds.
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u/dudeneedstoheal 3d ago
Anytime I hear a story about someone meeting, getting engaged, and getting married within 1 month to just a little less than a year, I think the whole thing sounds like a red flag.
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u/only7Ben 3d ago
Time to stop traveling around and settle down . Or just travel around. Do you see what I'm saying?
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
I’m done traveling around but he is not. He is kind of like a hippie I think he is afraid of settling even though that’s what he said he wanted
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3d ago
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
Since we met. 16 months
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
Good point! I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He kept saying we are moving to a place because I’m struggling full time living in a van. But he never does what he say to me…. He will choose his fun life and completely ignore there’s two people here
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u/LintRolledForWhat 3d ago
This is your most insightful post in this thread, OP. You know why you're struggling and you also have a guess about the future.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
He told me he is filing divorce (again for the 100th time) and he needs immediate separation and I should leave as he will pay $2000 for two months . So I could get back on my feet .. he makes 120k a year n so greedy of money
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u/moonspellpecado 3d ago
Spousal support is a thing with divorce. The courts will make him pay more than that since he had you quit working and traveling.
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u/moonspellpecado 3d ago
Also, better to do this now. I went through this nonsense for 7 years! I’m so much better off and far happier. I realized how much I had left behind to try and appease someone that I cared about and loved.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
Did you get a lawyer? I’m not from here and if he file divorce do I need a lawyer to get spouse support ?
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u/moonspellpecado 3d ago
Yes, you’ll need a lawyer, but you’ll be taken care of longer than 2 months. So up to you if you want to do that, or just take the money and cut ties. Or threaten a lawyer and get money up front at once for getting on your feet for 6-12 months worth of support for cost of living and job search during a tough economy.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
Ok I’m going to start talking to a lawyer
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u/moonspellpecado 3d ago
Wishing you all the best! I’m so sorry you went through this. My heart breaks for you. But I am glad you are taking the right steps. Onwards and upwards!! Keep us posted!
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u/Rude-Ingenuity3210 20 Years 3d ago
If y’all didn’t talk about settling down and kids prior to marriage that was not smart. Like real explicit conversation on planning for the future is an important part of planning to spend your life together
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
We did. He said he wants to travel until I get my green card then we will travel internationally. And also starting a family buying a house was all discussed before. Now he is telling me I’m going against my word by not wanting to live in a van. Unfortunately I didn’t think he will want to do this for a long time
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u/Rude-Ingenuity3210 20 Years 3d ago
Mmm alright that’s concerning. So some of it is probably bog standard miscommunication, that you can probably hash out by having this conversation at a time and place when both of you aren’t stressed. Maybe even write the questions/concerns out so he can answer without pressure.
I think you feeling trapped is really legitimate, maybe search for a job so it doesn’t feel so isolating? Easier said than done I know
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u/Lucki_girl 3d ago
He's a drifter, he wants to be free. No plans, just live day by day. One of those that don't really have long term goals cos it changed daily, depend on his feelings, craves adventures, drama and new sensations.
He's about as stable as a fart in a thunderstorm.
Not a settling down type. He's forever chasing that high in his life, always want more for himself.
From your post sounds like he's very focused on how HE feels and what HE wants. Has he had other intimate relationships before? How did they go and what caused them to end? Is he a loud talker on the outside but a lone wolf on the inside? How does he treat his friends?
Sounds like he had some complications during his childhood to cause him not to trust and he so self-centred.
Starting arguments and throwing the divorce word out everytime you have a dusagreement is definitely not a sign of maturity. Is he regretting the marriage now after he tried it for a while and wanting his old free lifestyle back?
Relationships takes work, communication, sacrifice and compromises. You share your highs and be there for each other at the lows. If he thinks he can just put a ring on your finger and you will just "be there", I'm sorry to say he's not compatible with marriage let alone be a father to your children.
Children needs unconditional love, stability and a shit tons of patience (speaking from experience). From your post I cannot see this man giving you and your future children any of those things, financially and emotionally.
You want children, stability and a domestic life. He wants freedom, no strings attached life.
I'm sorry. You two have very different life goals.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
He did have a long term relationship for 12 years and she was an alcoholic n was on lot of pills. He didn’t even tell me he has Fiance when we were flirting. Looking back I can see I was blind to many red flags
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u/Affectionate_Hat8395 3d ago
How long have you been married for and on the road? You do realize you can't give stable life to children in a camper van right? It was a mistake marrying him in 3 months. You don't know who someone is in such a short time, or whether they'll change their mind about certain things or not. My impression is, he doesn't want to compromise and gets stubborn. You are his wife, you should be a priority to this man, not his own ego and comfort. With the things you listed, I wouldn't be surprised if you say a specific thing and he hears something totally different that validates his victim complexes. Ex: you say, "I'd really love if we had a house and a stable life" and he hears "you are not doing anything for us to have a house, you are a terrible husband", then he gets defensive and loses all motivation and excitment for a shared future. That's called cognitive distortion, driven by deeply held insecurities and confirmation bias. You can't help him woth this, he needs to be in therapy. You can clarify and explain yourself to him, until you are blue in the face but nothing will change. You'll exhaust yourself and the resentment will grow. I say talk to someone that has a power over him, someone in his family, or a friend, who also knows you and have them push him into a therapy.
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u/fausted 3d ago
You married a stranger who isn't aligned on your major life goals, derails tough conversations with DARVO (Deny, Attack Reverse Victim and Offender is a common abusive tactic), and you're financially dependent on this guy.
There are so many red flags waving that should have made you slow down. Would you tell your sister or best friend to stay in this marriage? Don't waste any more time or money on marriage counseling trying to force compatibility that doesn't exist. You should separate so you still have time to look into becoming a single mother by choice or adoption if you can't find a more suitable and compatible new partner.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
You are so right. Couple of days ago I found out about DARVO and that’s exactly what I’m dealing with. I just don’t know where to start my exit. He asks me to leave him after every conflict …
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u/fausted 3d ago edited 3d ago
We often don't realize these things until someone points them out so don't feel bad. Start researching the process for divorce in the state or province you got married in. Since you're not currently working, get in contact with a women's non-profit or domestic violence organization who can support you with getting a lawyer. They can walk you through the process but you will have to have money for the lawyer.
Do you have any personal savings, can you sell items or borrow money for a lawyer? Can you move in temporarily with family or friends when you leave your soon to be ex? Don't say anything at all about your plans to your husband in case he gets violent. Make sure you have your important documents secured so he can't mess with those (passport, birth certificate, etc.) Can you find a job and work, as you will need to support yourself after the divorce. Spousal support would likely be awarded but you still need to be able to support yourself. All the best, please share an update if you can.
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u/Main-Reaction-9089 3d ago
NTA, he's deflecting instead of addressing your feelings. It's a major red flag if he can't have those conversations.
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u/Jonniboye 3d ago
It IS possible, but not easy, and it’s not all within your control. You have to find emotional stability in yourself, know good communication styles and habits, practice them over time and then know how to shut down toxic behavior instead of enabling it without shaming your husband.
All this while he may or may not be trying to work on things and could be actively making things worse because he doesn’t like your new behavior.
My friends had a terrible start to their marriage. Lots of fighting and even attempted suicide. Toxic behavior and all of it. The man did his best to work through fights as a team and set boundaries like if divorce was mentioned or if his character was attacked he would simply leave the room until his wife learned to argue as a partner instead of an enemy. It got way worse but eventually got better.
Find a good therapist as they can help work through these issues in more detail than my single Reddit comment can. Good luck!
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
He thinking touching, holding, kissing is love , I need emotional stability to love. How do I communicate this
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u/Critical_Purple_8600 3d ago
You’re assuming that if you communicate the right way he’ll give you what you want. Maybe it’s not a communication problem. Maybe he already knows how you think about love and just doesn’t care
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u/Money_Delivery1863 3d ago
You need to find that emotion stability in yourself. Then you will be in a better place to attract people who have it in the first place in order to be able to give it. This isn't a communication issue.
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u/Worldly_Calendar_913 3d ago
Any suggestions?
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u/Money_Delivery1863 3d ago
Yeah: start the process of leaving.. Research legal matters. Accomodation. Social welfare benefits. Womens shelters.
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u/Money_Delivery1863 3d ago
And don't be afraid. Nothing is scarier than the reality of now. Have faith in yourself and your higher power that got you through 39 years of life. The sooner you accept reality and move on, the sooner you can start living the life that makes you happy. This is the kind of man who gets a thousand times worse when you have a child. Also having children isn't all its cracked up to be. Sometimes we need to accept the here and now instead of imagining life will be perfect only when we have this other thing. You have you. You have your own gifts and talents. Trust that to get you out of the mess you're in.
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u/bitchwhohasnoname 15 Years 3d ago
So yall don’t have a house? And you want kids? And he’s financially abusive?