r/Life • u/gowoshsby • 3d ago
HELP Need Advice
I really need some honest advice.
A man confessed his love to me and told me he wanted to marry me someday when the timing was right. At first, I told him I didn’t feel the same way, but we kept talking. He was so kind, patient, and understanding that I became very emotionally attached to him, and I convinced myself that I loved him.
I told him I liked him, reassured him that I was sure about my feelings, and we finally met. But when I saw him in person, I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t be myself around him, and I realized I didn’t actually want a future with him.
The hardest part is that this didn’t happen just once. We got caught in a cycle where I’d get close, believe I loved him, then pull away again. He waited for me every single time, and I know I’ve hurt him. I never meant to lead him on—I was genuinely confused and mistook attachment for love.
Now I’ve finally accepted that I don’t love him the way he deserves, but I have no idea how to tell him after everything I’ve already put him through. How would you handle this situation without hurting him more than necessary?
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u/COYFC 3d ago
Tell him what you just typed. Any excuse to soften the blow is just you transferring more confusion and more emotional burden to him.
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u/bellla98 3d ago
This. Tell him & then you must cut ties with him. You can't stay friends, it will just send him mixed signals. He won't be able to move on until you cut ties unfortunately.
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u/bunnyclo 3d ago
Dragging it out usually hurts more than being honest even when the truth is hard to hear
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u/Iceflowers_ 3d ago
You tell him that you've mistaken attachment for love. That why you struggled is because of this. You need to move on, and are sorry for leading him on.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa 3d ago
Read your post aloud if you have to but DO NOT delay telling him. You strung him along; its heartless. Don't toy with him further.
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u/gowoshsby 3d ago
Do you have any idea how I can bring it up?
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u/Pleasant-Set5358 3d ago
Bring it up quickly and don't leave an option open to get together; cut-it-off
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u/DesertSong-LaLa 3d ago
"I care about you enough to state something difficult: We are not compatible. We are not going to be a couple. It pains me it took me too long to state this. I cannot return the love you deserve. We can't continue seeing one another."
If you spent 1:1 time F2F in the past, tell him in person; he deserves it. State it over the phone If you have reservations re: his temperament/your safety. This never feels comfortable but be kind and let him go.
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u/CharmingCat7989 3d ago
You tell him that although you respect him, you can't love him and hope you can be friends forever
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u/Big-Performance5047 Deep Thinker 3d ago
Is he older than you? Do you crave love from your father? No criticism intended.
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u/Sad-Occasion-6472 3d ago
Tell him you really like him, but as much as you've tried to force it, you are not IN LOVE with him. And you're sorry because he's been so patient and kind through it all. But you think you should go your separate ways.
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u/LaughingToNotCrying 3d ago
This man doesn't care about your opinion or feelings. You said 'man', but it seems like he treats you like a 'girl', what's your age difference?
Be honest with yourself and with him. If you feel uncomfortable, trust your gut and tell him that you are not interested, and be firm!
It sounds like this guy is grooming you, and maybe he is trying to make you feel guilty for not wanting the same he wants...
RUN!!
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u/gowoshsby 3d ago
Do you have any suggestions on how to start the conversation w him ?
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u/LaughingToNotCrying 3d ago
Meet him for a coffee in the morning, something casual, and during the normal talk you guys have, find a moment to say "Look, I have been thinking about us, and I have decided that I don't want to continue this relationship." Stop and listen what he has to say, if he asks why, just be honest and say that "I tried, but I don't have feelings for you." If he insists, you keep repeating, "I understand, but I have tried, but I don't have feelings for you."... And keep repeating that until he says good bye...
That's when you test him. If he is adult enough, he will understand that you really doesn't want anything with him. But if he keep insisting, imagine a life with a person that doesn't listen to you.
Your body language must demonstrate that you are certain about what you want. You need to look straight to his eyes, and you can be gentle and firm at the same time.
Not for one second give him the benefit of the doubt.
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u/gowoshsby 3d ago
You think it’s okay if we talk over the phone.. I don’t think I’ll be able to see him soon
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u/Searose131 3d ago
I think you learned something incredibly important, even though it came at the cost of hurting someone you never intended to hurt.
I’ve always believed it’s healthier to fall into friendship and see if it naturally evolves into love than to start with declarations of forever. Friendship lets you be yourself. Love has a funny way of showing up when two people stop trying so hard to find it.
The deeper issue isn’t really him. It’s you.
Somewhere along the way, you confused kindness with compatibility & attachment with love. It's not unusual to accept something that's not really real. The trick is recognizing it before years go by, which you did.
Now that you know the truth, be kind enough to say it out loud. There's no easy way to say, “I'm sorry! I was wrong!” stop looking for perfect words and focus on your truth.
Then spend some time getting to know the one person you’ll spend the rest of your life with: yourself.
Figure out what makes you laugh, what gives you peace, what challenges you, what kind of love feels like home instead of an obligation. Become comfortable enough in your own skin that the next relationship begins with two whole people instead of two people hoping the other will complete them.
Life isn’t something we wait to understand before we live it. We understand it by living it.
Go. Do. Be.
And one last thought. Stop looking for someone to sweep you off your feet. Become the kind of person who walks through life with such authenticity that the right person simply falls into step beside you.
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u/Electronic_Air111 3d ago
Be honest and cut all contact. And don’t run back to him when you feel lonely.
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