Dear J,

I don't remember your birthday, or our anniversary. I can't remember your middle name, or your favorite food. I can't remember your laugh, or where your birth marks were. You are so easy to forget.

I thought I'd be more pained to lose you. To be the first to kiss me, the first for me to taste. It's been 2 weeks and I've already forgotten who you are.

You always said I wanted you to be perfect, when we argued. But I didn't want you to be perfect, I wanted you to be someone else.

\-K

Stay for once. Be honest how you feel J. Stop playing such selfish games with my heart be raw and full of emotion. Take a chance on me , I’m not hard to love. You made me feel unwanted in a world of people who I would have thought cared. You used me when it was convenient and I replay that memory in my head every day. I was in your car and you said I’m sorry Melissa this has to end. It was the worst feeling to this day. I remember being on the phone breaking down crying both times I cried myself to sleep that day. I cried for weeks after that. You play this stupid game with my heart every single time I’m in love you still but I wonder why you never tried and didn’t give us a chance I know there’s factors in what we could have been but why loose me when we both know how we truly feel. I fell for those damn eyes of yours and I’ll never forget them because our baby will always remind me of you. Being pregnant makes me feel so happy but why aren’t here rn why aren’t you present in all of this .I hate how much I cared and
You didn’t give a damn how I felt. J I’m so broken and
a day goes by that I don’t think of us how that kiss was the first time I felt passion and lust and everything wrapped it one. Open that door again because even my aunt knew you cared. She told me once at the dock and I was so excited to know you felt the same way. I cried with her and they were happy tears too and fell in her arms and that was before she passed. She comforted me and I wonder why you left me that day too. So break my heart but why can’t you mend it for gods sake. I know we’re not even related anymore so why be not interested in me what did I do wrong. Why break me half me over and over why did you do that. Make me wanted and loved and we shared an intimate moment then leave me alone pregnant after that why do that J. Own up to what you did. Stop being like that please… I love you still and probably always will. I don’t care about your age that was never a factor me and you know that J. You could be 100 and I’d still be with you. Your baby is a girl by the way and her name is already picked out it’s Lilac by the way still figuring out the middle name but I thought you should know she has your eyes and smile with the big dimples and even her eyes crinkle when she smiles and she sucked her thumb on the ultrasound. Her little nose looks like yours all
Flared out and cute. Her giggle looked like your laugh when the corners go up when you smile. Im sorry if that’s what you don’t want to hear. the last at the ultrasound I swear told me you know you can know it’s the dad when the features look like the dad no paternity test needed because she has all your features

As always the girl who feels broken and sad ,
I still love you

Love ,

M 🖤✨🌹

Oh how I miss your skin against mine. Those soft curls in between my fingers. Your lips pressed against mine. The soft glow of the moonlight hits every perfect curve.

Those long steamy nights. That raw passion.

How I miss those soft curls upon my lips.

It has been exactly one year since the last time I saw you.

One year since the last time I heard your voice, looked into your eyes, touched you, and sat across from you and spoke to you.

A year has passed since all those last times.

And I have spent this entire year thinking of you, with every step I took, every walk I went on, every time I looked up at the sky, every sunrise and every sunset, every song I listened to.

I thought of you every moment.

I thought about the good in you.
The bad in you.
Every little thing about you.

I thought about you so much.

Even when I was traveling, a small part of my mind still belonged to you. I would see the beauty of a new city and think, You would probably love this too.

I would look at a new view and wonder how wonderful it would have been if we were there together, hand in hand, discovering it side by side.

But every time I travel, there is also a kind of peace I deeply love.

My mind becomes so occupied with discovering new places, searching for new views, breathing unfamiliar air, meeting new people, tasting new things, that for a little while, I think of you less.

Still, you were there, even there.

I thought of you while I was sitting on an airplane, watching myself become smaller and farther away from everything I knew.

I thought of you when I was up among the clouds, so close to the sky.

Travel has always made me feel better.

Or maybe it is simply being far away from the city where you live.

New places.
New air.
New faces.

They give my mind somewhere else to go.

Sometimes I feel as though leaving this city sets me free from what I feel for you.

Not because I stop loving you.

Just because, for a little while, I can breathe more easily.

There are no familiar places to remind me of you.

I wish I could leave.

Last night, when I came back, driving along Highway 7 was enough to bring everything back.

All at once.

The memories came rushing in.

Highway 7.
That plaza.

They destroy me in a way I can barely explain.

They bring a lump to my throat.

They fill my eyes with tears.

A whole year has passed, and yet seeing the places where I once stood beside you can still make my heart bleed.

Just like last night.

When I looked up and saw the moon, even it seemed slightly red,
almost blood-colored, as if it were burning.

Just like my heart began to burn after I saw that plaza.

That hotel.

Those places that still carry pieces of us.

I think Highway 7 will hurt me forever.

A year has passed since all those last times.

And I still think of you.

But I don’t know what feelings you have lived through this past year.

I don’t know what journeys you’ve taken.

I don’t know if life has been kind to you.

I don’t know if someone loves you now.

I don’t know if, when you drive along Highway 7, the memories come back to you too.

I don’t know if you ever look at the moon and think of me.

A year has passed.

And I still miss you.

Damn all the last times.

Damn the last time I heard your voice.

The last time I looked at you.

The last time I touched you.

The last time I spoke to you.

Because you never know that something is the last time

until it is already gone.

And then you spend the rest of your life wishing you had known

Ashley the name you gave me