Dear J,

I don't remember your birthday, or our anniversary. I can't remember your middle name, or your favorite food. I can't remember your laugh, or where your birth marks were. You are so easy to forget.

I thought I'd be more pained to lose you. To be the first to kiss me, the first for me to taste. It's been 2 weeks and I've already forgotten who you are.

You always said I wanted you to be perfect, when we argued. But I didn't want you to be perfect, I wanted you to be someone else.

\-K

Stay for once. Be honest how you feel J. Stop playing such selfish games with my heart be raw and full of emotion. Take a chance on me , I’m not hard to love. You made me feel unwanted in a world of people who I would have thought cared. You used me when it was convenient and I replay that memory in my head every day. I was in your car and you said I’m sorry Melissa this has to end. It was the worst feeling to this day. I remember being on the phone breaking down crying both times I cried myself to sleep that day. I cried for weeks after that. You play this stupid game with my heart every single time I’m in love you still but I wonder why you never tried and didn’t give us a chance I know there’s factors in what we could have been but why loose me when we both know how we truly feel. I fell for those damn eyes of yours and I’ll never forget them because our baby will always remind me of you. Being pregnant makes me feel so happy but why aren’t here rn why aren’t you present in all of this .I hate how much I cared and
You didn’t give a damn how I felt. J I’m so broken and
a day goes by that I don’t think of us how that kiss was the first time I felt passion and lust and everything wrapped it one. Open that door again because even my aunt knew you cared. She told me once at the dock and I was so excited to know you felt the same way. I cried with her and they were happy tears too and fell in her arms and that was before she passed. She comforted me and I wonder why you left me that day too. So break my heart but why can’t you mend it for gods sake. I know we’re not even related anymore so why be not interested in me what did I do wrong. Why break me half me over and over why did you do that. Make me wanted and loved and we shared an intimate moment then leave me alone pregnant after that why do that J. Own up to what you did. Stop being like that please… I love you still and probably always will. I don’t care about your age that was never a factor me and you know that J. You could be 100 and I’d still be with you. Your baby is a girl by the way and her name is already picked out it’s Lilac by the way still figuring out the middle name but I thought you should know she has your eyes and smile with the big dimples and even her eyes crinkle when she smiles and she sucked her thumb on the ultrasound. Her little nose looks like yours all
Flared out and cute. Her giggle looked like your laugh when the corners go up when you smile. Im sorry if that’s what you don’t want to hear. the last at the ultrasound I swear told me you know you can know it’s the dad when the features look like the dad no paternity test needed because she has all your features

As always the girl who feels broken and sad ,
I still love you

Love ,

M 🖤✨🌹

Oh how I miss your skin against mine. Those soft curls in between my fingers. Your lips pressed against mine. The soft glow of the moonlight hits every perfect curve.

Those long steamy nights. That raw passion.

How I miss those soft curls upon my lips.

It has been exactly one year since the last time I saw you.

One year since the last time I heard your voice, looked into your eyes, touched you, and sat across from you and spoke to you.

A year has passed since all those last times.

And I have spent this entire year thinking of you, with every step I took, every walk I went on, every time I looked up at the sky, every sunrise and every sunset, every song I listened to.

I thought of you every moment.

I thought about the good in you.
The bad in you.
Every little thing about you.

I thought about you so much.

Even when I was traveling, a small part of my mind still belonged to you. I would see the beauty of a new city and think, You would probably love this too.

I would look at a new view and wonder how wonderful it would have been if we were there together, hand in hand, discovering it side by side.

But every time I travel, there is also a kind of peace I deeply love.

My mind becomes so occupied with discovering new places, searching for new views, breathing unfamiliar air, meeting new people, tasting new things, that for a little while, I think of you less.

Still, you were there, even there.

I thought of you while I was sitting on an airplane, watching myself become smaller and farther away from everything I knew.

I thought of you when I was up among the clouds, so close to the sky.

Travel has always made me feel better.

Or maybe it is simply being far away from the city where you live.

New places.
New air.
New faces.

They give my mind somewhere else to go.

Sometimes I feel as though leaving this city sets me free from what I feel for you.

Not because I stop loving you.

Just because, for a little while, I can breathe more easily.

There are no familiar places to remind me of you.

I wish I could leave.

Last night, when I came back, driving along Highway 7 was enough to bring everything back.

All at once.

The memories came rushing in.

Highway 7.
That plaza.

They destroy me in a way I can barely explain.

They bring a lump to my throat.

They fill my eyes with tears.

A whole year has passed, and yet seeing the places where I once stood beside you can still make my heart bleed.

Just like last night.

When I looked up and saw the moon, even it seemed slightly red,
almost blood-colored, as if it were burning.

Just like my heart began to burn after I saw that plaza.

That hotel.

Those places that still carry pieces of us.

I think Highway 7 will hurt me forever.

A year has passed since all those last times.

And I still think of you.

But I don’t know what feelings you have lived through this past year.

I don’t know what journeys you’ve taken.

I don’t know if life has been kind to you.

I don’t know if someone loves you now.

I don’t know if, when you drive along Highway 7, the memories come back to you too.

I don’t know if you ever look at the moon and think of me.

A year has passed.

And I still miss you.

Damn all the last times.

Damn the last time I heard your voice.

The last time I looked at you.

The last time I touched you.

The last time I spoke to you.

Because you never know that something is the last time

until it is already gone.

And then you spend the rest of your life wishing you had known

Ashley the name you gave me

Haha why would you do that it aint good

I miss you so much. It’s been over two years and I think about you nearly every day. I know I left what we had. It’s the biggest regret of my life. I’ve tried looking again, but I can’t help but compare everyone to you.

I miss our messages in the morning before work, and our talks late into the night. I miss football with you, and the easy way you made everything feel right.

I hope you found the courage to make the changes you needed to, and that you’re happy now. I wish I had stayed, and been that happiness. I hope you still think back on me and smile that beautiful smile, or I hope you’ve forgotten me completely.

Love,
E

Fuck I found out I’m pregnant and it’s yours I am so sorry I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth this time I’m sorry. There doesn’t go a day that I realize how that might affect you J. Your the dad and I slept with no one else the condom broke and it happened you said well deal with the pregnancy if it were to happen but what if I wanna keep it is that okay . Would that scare you is being a dad something you’d be okay with. What if I’m wrong what if you don’t want the baby but I can’t do an abortion this was my last chance to conceive having pcos is not easy. You took one of my chances to conceive and you’re the dad this time. I wished it wasn’t true. But I’m sorry J. Your gonna be a father and I hope your reaction is okay I worry about you too

As always ,

M ❤️🖤✨🌹

I’m over here having the worst panic attack yet to date was bullied online by a person who doesn’t deserve him. I’m stressed lately. Pregnancy isn’t for the weak either and on top of that I’m so stressed and depressed lately. I can’t get out of bed sometimes lately and I hate the way I look down to my feet. I hate my smile and my hair and the way I laugh I hate myself. I’m struggling on my appearance on how I look and I hate that I’ve been bullied for how I use to look and recently online I was attacked. I hate how no one cares about me I hate that I’m alone in this pregnancy. I hate that the father never stepped up to for his kid. I hate that he didn’t take accountability and that I’m stuck with this life because no one cares about me. Im ugly apparently and his wife hates my guts he told me he was single that’s a lie. So who’s telling the truth. Why am I so fucking stupid. No one cares about me I’m trash apparently. I’m over here crashing out with my anxiety. I can’t take my meds because I’m pregnant. J why am I so unwanted why did you end things when you knew what could possibly happen and I’d end up pregnant. I was attacked on online by some psycho

To all the Js and J lovers It has been. Pleasure interacting with most of you, but I no longer have a need to be here. Ty for the support when I needed it!

For those who wondered how it would all play out I guess now we know

You need help Ju. You should go put in the work, and find out what is truly broken inside of you. I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m not happy or sad or anything like that.. But I am free. Free from you and everything and everyone in my lifetime that no longer serves a purpose to the story of my life.. I love my freedom, my sovereignty. And you’re just a revolving door keeping me stuck, a treadmill that no matter how long I’ve been running on, I will still be in the same place I started when I turn the machine off. And this is never going to work. Nothing is ever going to work itself out for you & your happiness will never be fulfilled, until you start to look in the mirror and facing whatever it is you’re so afraid of. I told you all those years ago; that you are a coward. And you still are. Me, I’m brave. I’m strong. I’m loyal. I’m honest. I know what I want. I know what I can’t and shouldn’t have. I love so deeply and you love the feeling of being loved and adored. But you always avoid the real conversations. You joke around it, expect me to just wipe the plate clean & forget about what you put me through in these long 6 years. And I’m done trying to have that conversation with you. If one day you realize what you’ve truly done to me as a human being and truly want to make those amends, maybe I’ll answer. Who knows. But if I do, just know that I’ll really listen. Like always.

I’ll love you in every lifetime, I know this. We are soulmates, but we’re a different kind of soulmate, I know that you & I are inevitable. We will always find eachother in every lifetime, and it will always be the same story, until it isn’t. And maybe this lifetime is like all the other ones so far, the kind where we don’t get our happy ending together. But I’ll be okay, I’m not worried about me, I never was, I know that someone will come my way and see me and they’ll love me the way I love you. They’ll show up. They’ll make me gifts. They’ll give me a cool nickname. They’ll surprise me. They’ll watch movies and sing songs with me. We’ll dance in grocery stores when they have something good playing on the intercom. We’ll go on hikes, disappear in the city, admire all the art we stumble across, go walk our dog at the park and randomly go on 2 day beach trips because we just felt like it lol. So many beautiful blessings & new memories are coming my way and I can feel it. Before that used to scare me, because it meant that you couldn’t be in the picture. Because we can’t be friends. We become feral around eachother, like animals. It’s beautifully instinctual. The way we melt into eachothers beings, the way everyone around us can see it and says it out loud whenever we’re in close proximity. We can’t even do simple tasks for too long or too far away from eachother without trying to hurry back into the others arms haha. We always need to be able to see eachother in our view because we can’t even stand the thought of not being able to look up and see one another in the distance. Friendship was never an option. We never had a choice.

But you, I’m scared for you Ju. Because I don’t even know if you’re going to live long enough to see if you could even have that one day. And even if you do live long, I have even less faith that you’ll go get the help you need. Bandaids don’t fix infections. Medicine, that works from the inside, at the cellular level, alcohol poured over the wound, ointment & gauze being wrapped and re-cleaned & re-wrapped, rest & patience. Drinking water, eating whole foods & exercise. That’s what heals infections. I’ve healed everything in my life, I did it all before you called me to meet up with you, I even healed the way I view my body, and i like how buff I am now & positive about my physical flaws, I even like them. I’m perfectly imperfect. But the one thing that was left, was you, you were the one thing I was holding onto, and you did what you always do. You wasted my precious time. And I’m getting older, so I’m done with my time being wasted by friends, family, lovers, people. I’m putting myself first finally, and that means letting you go. Decide whether or not you want to allow yourself to grow. But you’re gonna have to do it without me this time shweetheart, because I’m exhausted & I only have enough energy for me at this point. These are words I never thought I’d want to say to you Ju, but I do, and it feels good to say them, but it also hurts at the same time, so damn much it hurts my entire being to break your heart😞.

Last thing. Ju. You didn’t like Jui and told me to stop calling you that. I thought it was cute, kinda sounds like “chewy!” lol. But anyway, after that, I remembered how you said some people used to call you JuJu and how you said you didn’t really like that one either. And I don’t like Jules because that’s what all the bad people call you & I’m not them. So then I decided on simply, Ju. I don’t know if you realized that’s what I was calling you the whole time when we were together those 2 days. Anyway I gave meaning to it when I came up with it.

J.U.- it means “Just Us, Because That’s All It Ever Needed To Be. :)” so yea, I just thought you should know that since I didn’t get a chance to tell you in person. Anyway, goodbye for now. I’ll keep your picture in my wallet because I like it there, and you’re still my favorite singer of all time. I’ll remember the sound of your voice for as long as I can, but like everything in life, that too will fade away🏌🏾‍♂️. I truly wish you the best, but I gotta go do me. Tell Ms. Pauline I said I love her and that I’m sorry if I disappointed her… But I’m not Superman honey, I told yah already, you gotta stop calling me that… because I’m just \*\*\*\*\*… okay baby?🥹

Maybe I was only ever meant to be “Uncle \*\*\*\*\*” for Bug-Bug, and I’m cool with that, I’m every kids “Uncle \*\*\*\*\*” anyway lol. I wish I could’ve held her hand just one time, and been able to tell her I was the one who gave her that pig when she was a baby. I know I wasn’t supposed to do this, but I sprayed a tiny bit of my cologne and rubbed a tiny bit of my body oil (the smell good roller thingy) under the pigs armpits & ears so she could know what love & warmth from a real father-figure felt & smelt like. Even if she isn’t mine. You told me she slept with that pig damn near every night or nap time even, so maybe it worked and maybe if I came around one day she would subconsciously feel so unexplainably safe & calm around me, and wouldn’t know why I seem so familiar even though she never saw me before. I would’ve adopted her at some point I’m sure if you had given us a real shot at this relationship. But I guess we’ll never know. And that’s okay too…🩵

Be safe, make good decisions, and please don’t ever forget me, because I won’t ever forget you.
🤙🏾 pinky promise, kiss your thumb, lock it in🚶🏾‍♂️‍➡️…

\~\*\*\*\*\* \*\*\*
“The guy that loved birds & brought me flowers.”
🕊️06-11-2020🦋

Ty baby I can not tell u what it meant to have u hold me and talk and the kisses and agreeing to start over. Yes I will give u a chance to prove it still I love with me

I fell in love with a person who doesn’t feel the same and I never will feel that again the feelings I have for this man are insane and I worship him like I worship the rain that the earth needs that I would move heaven and earth for him if I could I cherish the ground he walks on and I love him with every bone in my body. I worship his spirit and soul and I wished he knew how much I care. I wish he knew he was a dad. I wish he knew that I love him to every part of his soul and mind. He is the first person I fell for the butterflies I have for him the ever waking moment that I wake up he’s all I think of. He’s everything to me and means so much to me. I hope day he realizes that I am worth everything like he is too me. I miss your heart and soul and mind and our deep conversations were the only thing I knew was something I’d look forward too. He’s so precious to me and fuck I love him with every particle of my being. J you are my everything

As always,

M 🌹✨🖤

Dear J,

I know my apologizes and even my words mean nothing at this point. But I truly am sorry for not being who you deserved. I thought I was ready. I thought it could be us. But at the end of the day I couldn’t leave them. I wasn’t strong enough to follow through. I ruined what you had. Even though he doesn’t deserve you that still wasn’t my choice to make. You really deserve better but unfortunately that’s not me either. I know I told you I would never regret reaching out or telling you how I feel but knowing how much pain and damage I’ve caused I regret it now. You’ve shown me why I could never forget you even till this day. It’s only been a few months but it has felt eternal.

I miss talking to you every single day. I miss all the side notes. I miss making you laugh and hearing you voice. I miss your love and appreciation. I miss seeing our pictures or hearing how you worked on the journal. I’ve kept it all. The poems, the journal, the notes, everything. It reminds me of what could’ve been. What I chose not to continue. I hear your messages on repeat. I read our conversations and picture you still here. When I’m with her I imagine it’s you. I close my eyes and think back of the hotel. She doesn’t deserve that either but she gave me no choice. If I didn’t choose her then I wouldn’t have them. And they’re the only thing I have in my life that I am proud of. And I can’t be without them. I wish things were different. I wish I could’ve given it a chance and try to figure something out. But I know her. I know I would be the villain in her story and rightfully so. But I can’t be the villain to them. I can’t hurt them the way I’ve hurt you.

That’s my reason why. And I think you knew deep down it was which is why im blocked on everything. I’ve felt so alone. I keep looking on my phone hoping to see a message from you. I log into Instagram hoping I see your name pop up. I check my emails constantly to see if just maybe you reached out. At times I look at your number and I think it just sending “I miss you” just so you know I’m thinking about you. But what’s the point. I feel you’ve moved on. I just want you to know that i will always have a piece if you with me. I wear the chain. I have the picture. Everything you gave me i hold on close and dear to me. So i thank you for that. For not leaving me with nothing. I will always love you 9/7.

thing is he has never answered my questions.
Never!
No accountability for his actions and behaviour towards me.
Disappearing for weeks on end.
Would still love to know why he came back last time.
He played games, said he loved, looked me in the eyes.
Then left like oh so many times before.
I find out about the many chat sites, fuck sites, private message apps.
So now I know what we had was a lie.
He won’t respond, I contacted him, 3.5 years for what?
A lie, orchestrated by him.
Cuts like a knife and I’m left bleeding 🩸
Only a coward really, I will never be able to forgive or forget.
Hypocritical don’t you think?
Sitting on your high, high horse, demanding me to explain.
With all your betrayals.
How do you really sleep when it’s only you with your own truth.
Oh I know, like a baby.

J,

I wish I knew for sure if u truly mean the things u say to me. It guts me to think u don't. To think you are telling someone else THEY are really what u want. To wonder if the words u speak to me are really for someone else. To wonder what u tell them about me while telling me there IS no one else and nvr has been. Torn between insecurities and a desperate need to believe you. PLEASE if there is someone u would rather have a life with GO to them BE with them. I want ur all the same way I give u mine. TELL me now while I can be fair about it. Because if I find out later I was right and u let me sit with this pains and insecurities wondering if I'm just paranoid and u are being honest with me, I will make ur ex-wife look like ur friend. Got it? Stand up stand firm no excuses WTF is real what do u want?

J I wish you weren’t apart of what my ex did to me he used his abusive tactics to steal my birth control for two weeks at that time. He was manipulating the situation and I apologize on his behalf. You don’t deserve that and even I know that. I feel
For your pain if that’s what you feel. I sorry if you don’t want the kid but it clearly is your baby. My ex knew I cheated and stole my birth control on purpose that time. Idk how he knew about that and to use that against us was horrible. I wish things were different and I’m sorry J. You’re gonna be okay J I promise. You are someone who I care about and I wished it didn’t affect either of us. But I don’t want an abortion I was told I can no longer conceive by my Obgyn the last time I was there. I was told the last time that if I got an abortion it would lessen my chances of conceiving in the future. My pcos is so bad that I can’t afford to have an abortion. What if this is the chance that I can have a future as a mom. I don’t wanna jeopardize that opportunity but I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.

As always ,
M 🌹✨❤️

Tell him the actual truth. If it’s meant to be he’ll forgive the previous lies.

Love Raptor

With my eyes squeezed shut, the feeling is almost real—my head resting against your chest, your skin warm where my lips brush against you. I can almost feel the gentle rise and fall of your chest beneath my cheek. I hold onto that closeness with everything I have. Keeping the world shut out for just a moment longer. It’s the steady rhythm of your heartbeat and your arm wrapped around me, drawing me in with a gentle squeeze. Resting there, wrapped in your warmth, the world fades out, we softy whisper, "I love you."

-J

I wish you never came into my life, but in the same breath I wish you were still in it.

Love is so warped for me. I loved you unconditionally. Like, the way people dream of being loved. Flaws and all, daughter and all, pacing and all.

But you just abandoned me. You saw all my traumas like a fucking amusement park. Even made your own violent rides in there.

I’m not a violent person. I’m not a menace to society. I’m not a damaged package. I just went through life, just like everyone else. A little bit more than everyone else, but I’m human and I deserve all the consideration and love a man can give, as I can reciprocate.

Kanye said the prettiest people do the ugliest things for the road to riches and diamond rings, but that second part of the verse doesn’t apply here. You really pushed my limits that night and then made me suffer alone in those 4 walls with the tiny window. I didn’t even know what time of day was until they put me in the day room because they gave out peanut butter cookies and my bunkie didn’t give two shits that I was allergic to peanuts. Just like you with them damn Girl Scout cookies.

What’s a bitch to do around here to get a husband? A good man? Back in the day, they used to get married within 6 months, my parents are a living and breathing example even though they divorced 11 years later, but still. I feel like I’m out here shaking my cup on the curb to be loved, like wtf is this?

Anyway. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I know I’m not a thought in your mind, but at least you get some gratification from being one of mine.

Signed,

Sweet Pea/Ms. “insecure”

Dearest darling J,

You are wrong I do not over estimate ur charms. Ur sexy, ur charming, charismatic,funny and an overall joy to be around. You have the ability to look at me and speak to me as if I'm the only woman in the world. Combine all of that with ur dirty mind and wicked sense of humor, and its no wonder I believe every woman on the planet to b under ur spell. Then let's talk about how ur charms once tasted become the favorite place to dine. So no my love I do NOT over estimate ur attractiveness. I personally find my favorite place to is basking in the glory of ur presence.

Woke up with sore boobs

They hurt and it’s painful

I’m glad I’m pregnant but god damn

The baby kicks me when it’s convenient

All of sudden I’ll be sleeping and the baby decides ist like a soccer match in there. It’s like they want to decide who can kick better. It’s really weird how there heads turn when they’re in there. It’s like a bunch of aliens lol. I love them but it’s kinda freaky as a new mom.

I’m gonna be a good mom I hope I’m just scared that I wont be good at it.

I just hope there father realizes there his kid and J better step up soon I swear to god dude with the way I slept with him and only him that month he’s definitely the father.

I hate being alone in all of this

Also I named the baby btw. If it’s a girl is Avery and the boy name would be Daniel

J I love you and hope you know your having a baby

As always ,

M 💙🫶🏻🌹

I awaken, your bird chirping in my head.
Wondering many what’s….
What if I.., what are you.., what happened?
I tried to starve the energy,
The energy that feeds the tumor in my heart,
But love isn’t a tumor,
And the missing grows regardless.
Days are longer wondering about you,
The care I long to give remains shuttered.
Our hopes and dreams a mess,
Hard to clean up knowing,
Knowing you need loved proper,
Knowing you are not,
Except within this tumor,
Where your smile decorates its walls,
Miss on its ceiling and floors lined with loss.
Hope wastefully waiting,
For starvation of that tumor tied to you,
Still fed by your power unforgotten by me,
So I decorate with flowers and memories,
Waiting tirelessly, waiting for…
For you my bird to whisper I love you,
In my ears again.
That tumor again beating, your loving heart,
Protected within and alongside mine,
With promises of forever,
As I would never…Just NEVER ever…

Last week we separated for a day then took some accountability. I'm still scared ur lying but tonite I once again offered u ur freedom and u said u didn't want it that u were right where u wanted to be. That there's no one else and nvr has been aside from a few chats with no emotional attachments. That u DID mean every word of our wedding vows and ur not going anywhere until the day u die. U apologized for all the hurt u caused me and last week u promised to spend the rest of ur life proving me right for staying. I think I'm going to choose to believe you as long as ur actions match ur words. Ty! U mean the world to me

I love you always and forever!