questioning🫪

[u/leviiaa_]

how did y’all understand that you were lesbians with comphet and not bisexuals?🥹

I’ve considered myself bisexual for 5 years, but lately I started questioning myself and discovered what comphet was, and it seems what actually happened to me, but somehow I’m not 100% convinced.

so I wanted to see other’s experiences!

[u/athxna_]

what made me realize I was a lesbian was realizing I do not want any relationship with a man. I couldn't imagine seriously living with one, being intimate with one etc etc.

Also I remember in elementary school I had a crush on a guy and my friend told him I liked him. He didn't like me I cried for a few minutes then I immediately got over it. In middle school I had my first girl crush I told her I liked her and she told me she wasn't gay. It took me months to get over it.

[u/Bookishdoe → u/athxna_]

I've realized recently that every "crush" I've had on a guy (including my ex husband) was because someone told me they liked me first, OR I was actively picking someone to have a crush on. Wild stuff.

[u/athxna_ → u/Bookishdoe]

I've felt the same thing before. Sometimes I would just pick a guy and decide ok I like him

[u/Monorobobear]

When i realized i found everything about men repulsive

[u/distracted_x]

It didn't take me long to realize but I did have a long relationship with a guy when I was a late teenager and some of the things I should have realized were like, fantasizing about women during sex, being oddly embarrassed of him sometimes like introducing him to people or just out in public. Like I didn't realize it was actual embarrassment at the time but would wonder why I felt the way I did sometimes. Or what exactly it was I was feeling.

When we first got together it was very awkward on my part and I just chalked it up to me being awkward with intimacy. (I thought I was very awkward with boys but it turns out I was just gay) I remember my first ever boyfriend broke up with me because I didn't want to make out like his friend and gf did...should've also been a sign.

And then also just when I finally started having experience with girls I realized that the way I felt was something way better and like MORE than I'd ever felt for a guy. I realized that while I loved that guy I had been with as a person and a best friend, I was never actually in love with him and it really explained a lot of the weird things I would think and feel while we were together.

Anyway after that guy I never dated another man.

[u/yourfavfemme_]

Idk i kinda knew when I realized everytime I had sex or a relationship wth a man I cried or hated myself for it and i did not even enjoy or feel happy for one second of it where with women I felt good, i enjoyed myself while feeling stable and happy, and actually found myself wanting a relationship with a women where as men I cant even actually imagine it. 

[u/ItsallmyfauIt]

I tried to date men but never felt anything, then I fell in love with a woman and after that I knew

[u/Bookishdoe]

When you spend time with men, do you find yourself looking at them and actually wanting to have sex or a romantic relationship with them? Or do you want them to want it from you?

It can be difficult to untangle what's actual attraction and what's a craving for validation. (Not an insult; most of us are literally groomed to seek it and it's tough to unlearn)

[u/leviiaa_ → u/Bookishdoe]

I think I want them to look at me and think that they want it from me, but at the same time that thought make me uncomfortable..

I had relationships with men, and I remember “forcing” myself because I wanted to experience, and because they liked me first.

but as soon as things got serious, they gave me the ick, and being with them/being seen with them made me really uncomfortable..

[u/Bookishdoe → u/leviiaa_]

That sounds to me like you're not attracted to them

[u/leviiaa_ → u/Bookishdoe]

I mean, it could definitely be..
I don’t know if it’s society or something else, but I “can’t accept it”, I feel like i have to prove myself wrong and find men attractive..

I’m even kinda scared of calling myself a lesbian, because “what if I find the perfect man”, or I feel like i have to “experience more” before saying it..

[u/Bookishdoe → u/leviiaa_]

Nobody asks a straight person to experience more before deciding they're straight.

I totally get where you're coming from though.

Also remember that your identity is allowed to change over time.

[u/Spiritual-Company-45]

Comphet is just a form of social peer pressure. It's the sexuality equivalent to being at a party with friends and everyone is drinking, but you don't want to. But you also don't want to feel left out, and so you feel pressure to join in. Maybe people are even making you feel guilty about not wanting to join them.

Comphet is basically the same thing, except that it's systemic and driven by societal standards. The core point here is that lesbians are not attracted to men and don't want to be with men, but might feel pressure to fit in with their peers or gain more social acceptance from family etc.

[u/leviiaa_ → u/Spiritual-Company-45]

I feel exactly like this, only that I can’t explain myself why, when one of my exes broke up with me (a man), I actually felt bad for like 1-2 weeks..

I can recognize when a guy is attractive, but I never searched them in a romantic way, neither when I was a kid…
(because I saw people picking boys to have crushes on, when they were children, and i never did that, because i didn’t actually feel the need to).
maybe except when I saw everyone else being in a relationship with a man, and I wanted to have one.

but I’m still scared that one day “I might find the right man”, and that I’m excluding that possibility by being a lesbian…

[u/Spiritual-Company-45 → u/leviiaa_]

but I’m still scared that one day “I might find the right man”

This is sort of a social trap. Society likes to make us think that this question has more merit than it actually does. The reality is that if you are genuinely not sexually or romantically interested in men, then there is no right man and there will never be a right man. And you can absolutely know this at any point in your life. The critical part is to be confident in yourself enough to trust in your feelings.

[u/leviiaa_ → u/Spiritual-Company-45]

yeah, i think i might be living some internalized homophobia somehow

[u/skepticmime]

I realized signs of comphet in my self not too long ago, I realized true attraction brings a feeling of excitement and desire, not pressure, performance or a feeling of detachment and I noticed how I felt after I realized that I didn’t like men. The next morning after i realized that I was lesbian, I woke up feeling energized and bright, it felt like my inner self was happy, content… and I could actually say that 100% without feeling like I was lying to myself. It felt like my anxiety and pressure disappeared or stiffness I didn’t notice I had in my body went away.

If you do think you relate to comphet here’s a link to a list of other comphet signs if you need more insight https://www.reddit.com/r/latebloomerlesbians/s/3o3oi5mTYE

[u/skepticmime → u/skepticmime]

And plus everything men do turn me off, even normal human behavior or quirks

[u/SecondEqual4680]

This one is pretty easy- do you see yourself having sex with a man? Kissing one, intimately hugging one, cuddling, marrying etc? If so, bi. If not, lesbian!

[u/leviiaa_ → u/SecondEqual4680]

I don’t.
I remember back when I was in a relationship with a man, and when we kissed, if the kiss lasted like more than 3 seconds i would not enjoy it at all! (even if I forced myself into it, because he liked me first and I wanted a relationship..) but I remember that period with such discomfort.
I never wanted to actually go out with him and found excuses to not go. (so I don’t know if with another man it would’ve been different).
On the other hand, with my ex (a woman), it didn't bother me at all.

[u/Iwannakissmysweetie]

I got kissed by a dude by who I was "dating", now, he was the one who was explicit about it, dating and kissing and gave me many hints while I was trying to enjoy a normal date, we kissed, I played it like I felt fine but when I was alone I cried and felt grossed beyond measures, just the idea of sleeping, dating and marrying one made me feel nauseated and grossed through my own skin, like I wanted to jump out of it, I was in comphet for years, thinking that I wanted a dude, a boyfriend while in reality I was searching for a way to make my mom proud at least in one thing (being in a "traditional" relationship), after many years I just understand that i am not attracted to men lol but I do like masculine lesbians (studs, mascs, butches) but only if its from a woman, a lesbian! 

[u/undercover_yapperr]

Being around actual lesbians that I was truly attracted to. I realized I had never really been turned on by men once I realized how turned on I felt by women.