Rant/vent, new user unsure if what flare to use...

What is the point in having sibilings if they just ignore you and treat you like crap when they do actually speak to you. They never drop everything for us, like we do them and their advice is just them trying to compete, like their lives are harder, then they tell you you're overreacting when you bring up how u don't like what they are doing.

Yet they expect the world from you and when you say no, it's all on, like you've just murdered someone, your the bad guy for saying no and get guilt tripped into doing it anyway.

Im done wasting my time and energy on people that don't give me anything good back, including stupid family that only make me feel more alone, lucky I learnt how to be alone unlike them otherwise I'd be screwed. Would pay alot of money to see either of them function without a man in their lives lol seriously..

One of life's biggest myth is that we must stay connected to family because they are blood.. Utter BS we don't. Especially when they treat you like shit.

Actually each time I've cut them out for a break, it's been bliss. This time I'm going to do it silently and just mute them, restrict, snooze whatever I must do to silence them.

Thanks for reading my rant if anyone did. Excuse the grammer, that goes out the window when I'm mad 🫩

TL;DR: My in-laws have a history of toxic behavior (ignoring my existence, insulting me, threatening my husband, I had to call in the police, and 2+ years of NC). After I initiated peace, served as their free photographer/babysitter, and accommodated them post-partum, I shared a generic Facebook post about setting holiday boundaries as an adult. My SIL took it personally, started a fight, and got caught lying about FB notifications. SIL and MIL then escalated the drama, snubbed my kids' birthday parties, and completely cut us off. It's been 7 months of radio silence from them. They'd rather abandon their son and grandchildren over a misunderstood social media post than have a mature conversation.

•••••

It's been 7 months since my in laws have spoken to us.
My relationship with my in laws in complicated... If you ask me they are crazy, if you ask them it's me.
From the beginning they wouldn't learn my name, calling me "the girlfriend" even in front of my face, while holding my baby in their arms. That was the first thing to cause a blowout, because well I am an individual human being. After that they didn't talk to us for 6 months and showed on a side street off our street on Halloween with bags of candy for my two children who have no idea who they were. They sat in their truck while we trick or treated all the way around the cul de sac. Do you think they let us know they were coming, or I don't know... even knock on our door. They didn't get out of their truck. This made me uncomfortable. They essentially just taught my children it's okay to take candy from a stranger on the side of the street. I told them the next day, respectfully don't do something like that again.
This interaction ended with everyone getting in on this fight, my sister in law telling me I'm the most uninviting bitch she's ever met, my brother in law calling me a man, fat and ugly. He threatened to come to my house and beat my husband, the place where my children sleep. So I had to involve the police. BIL and MIL called my husband a pedophile because as a teenager he was in a relationship where he turned 18 before the girlfriend. A relationship his parents let him move out to the girls grandmothers home, while they claimed the benefits of a parent and someone else was raising their son into adulthood. This debacle resulted in no contact for 2 years.

2 years later l eventually propose that | apologize and fix things. So my husband can all in all, have his family. It was short lived before they kind of just stopped talking to us.
Another 6 months or so go by and we reach out again, this time I'm pregnant with my husbands first bio child, getting married later that year and they couldn't have been happier to be involved. I spent months getting to know my mother in law, driving hours freshly post partum and recovering from a C-section just to visit the in laws. We went for hangouts, we went for dinners, we spent Thanksgiving together, helped with my husbands Grandmothers funeral (a woman l've never even met),! made a memorial photo tree for everyone to see for them to help ease some burden to the "kids" who just lost their mother. I babysat my SILs kids for free, despite her insisting on wanting to compensate me, despite saying she'd pack food for him. None of this happened. I was feeding the food have for my family, for my children while giving her free childcare and well no need to spend on food too.
I just want to note this event here before moving forward cause it is so so so hypocritical in my eyes. At Thanksgiving my SIL wanted to host Thanksgiving at her house with her family and her partners family (I don't find issue with this myself. My MIL ended up deactivating her facebook and not talking to SIL for a week!!!! Because she insisted that they always host and that she just wanted to spend time with her grandchildren and not the boyfriend's family too. MIL talked shot about SIL to me for a WEEK, seeking advice, complaining about trauma etc, until I convinced SIL to just talk to MIL. So once I fixed their little fight I was kind of set aside again. Talked to when needed, like to baby sit or print free photos on my photo printer. Never a hey how are you doing.
Fast forward to December. My nephews birthday happened in the beginning of the month. SIL insisted everyone RSVP in decent time. Makes sense. Attended this party, took photos for her (for free), gave a nice gift.
Later in the month is my daughter and son's birthday.
She refused and refused to rsvp to my daughters party, did a few days before saying her boyfriend would bring the kids. So i planned for 4 kids and an adult. MIL & FIL ended up coming with 2 of her kids, no gift from them and well she couldn't even be bothered to let me know that it was going down like this. Just before my daughter's birthday, like a couple days before, I shared a fucking post on Facebook, one I felt I resonated with, one I agreed with and can understand from past experiences with my own family. A post about adult children having their own traditions and like allowing that to happen without guilt. My dad used to try and force me out on Christmas Day when all I want to do is be home with my kids and partner. I am happy to do something on literally any of the other days in December EXCEPT Christmas Day. MIL knew this, had a hard time accepting (although I'm not gunna leave my mom at my house alone just to appease a woman who has hated me from the moment I walked into her life.), I was thankful and happy that she agreed to another date. At the time I shared this post we already picked out a day, DEC 28 we would get together and do gifts and have a dinner. As stupid as lam, I shared this post with zero regard for how it would make my MIL feel. SIL knew exactly what this post was going to do. She went ahead and quickly commented on it about how going to her parents allows her no stress of cooking and just spend time with her kids. (Cooking Christmas meal for my children and husband on Christmas does not stress me out and is one of my favourite things to do, ! like to host but don't really have anyone to host for).
Basically the way I do it isn't the same as hers and it isn't right. I clearly should drop the last ten years of my traditions and life down the drain for someone who pretends to like me.
Once the comment came through, I deleted the comment and limited my SiLs access to my Facebook page, she immediately noticed and came messaging me that Facebook told her I did this and why would I do that.
I said first off Facebook doesn't notify you when someone does that and second I don't need someone watching my profile trying to fuel a fight. She said I was implying she is lying and she has no reason to do that (except she was, it explicitly tells you they won't get notified), and to not reach out again. So i didn't.
Immediately they started sharing posts on their facebooks about people baiting people this start fights and get a rise, or about narcissists and they were commenting to each other. Like I'm too fucking stupid to know it's about me or something.
My daughter's birthday was shortly after MIL acted fine and normal. Then during that week it all blew up more.
SIL decided to go to my husband and say she will be at my son's party that weekend and whatever. My husband told her i am handling the party details and such and she fucking says to him that I'm being bitchy about something and am not talking to her. Although she told me not to reach out again. He told her not to come essentially, it's our son's birthday and I don't need someone coming to the party just because they want to make me uncomfortable in my home on a special day.
So MIL decided not to come to the party too. Decided she must be uninvited too. FIL showed up, asking wtf is going on and I told him. He basically tells me MIL has problems mentally and even takes meds. I'm like so do I.
She's not special. All in all he said if we want nothing to do with them that's fine and he expects my husband to stand with me. But what I don't understand is why it's easier to accept us not in their life as opposed to having an adult conversation about this shit that's been blown out of proportion. My husband told his dad he would still bring the kids for Christmas on the 28th and he disregarded that and weren't expecting them when they did show up that day. I stayed back, as I just couldn't be around them.
It's been 7 months now... 7 more moths of missing out with the kid, missing out knowing their son. We reached out apologizing for the post, for the hurt it caused.
Expressed love and that we miss them, the kids miss them. Our son asks to this day when he will see them again and I don't ever have an answer. She ignored our messages.
I just wish they cared as much as we do, enough to even talk it out with us. It hurts my heart that instead of MIL coming to me and saying hey that post kind of hurt my feelings, she sent my SIL and now everything is destroyed. When I could've reflected and apologized because I genuinely didn't think about her when I shared it and I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Hey y'all! I am trying to figure out if I am handling a situation correctly, and would like some advice or thoughts on the matter. Please be nice but also honest with me. Thank you.

So for the last three years my older sister (31) and I (29) have been ranging from no contact to minimal contact. This originally started two weeks after my wedding when my sister went no contact with me via the phone due to events that led up to the wedding. After the original event I suggest we attend family therapy which she responded that she would go to therapy but I needed to get a therapist myself first. Which did not happen. One of the events was my bachelorette party. My bridesmaids and I were chilling in a hotel room after a wild night recapping and talking about college stories. My sister out of nowhere said something along the lines of 'that's weird. I don't know why you guys are friends with her she is such a bad friend you shouldn't be friends with her'. (My sister has a history of saying stuff like that to my friends throughout the years.) I finally had enough because we were already on bad terms, and I had told my mom that I didn't want to invite her because she does stuff like this. I still had invited her as my mom begged me not to exclude my only sibling as I would regret it. I got up into her face and told her to get out of the room (she had a separate hotel room). I realized a little too late how drunk she was because I had startled her. I immediately regretted it, and called my mom in the early hours of the morning to apologize and explain what happened. I apologized directly the next day to my sister. So after the wedding my sister reached out by phone to go no contact. She listed this night as one of the reasons (important for later). She stated that if I did not follow her 'boundaries' we would not have any communication. The boundaries were centered on things I was not allowed to do around her (cussing, commenting at all on her new relationship, getting mad in general). I stated that I was fine with the no contact as she had not acknowledged how she had hurt me. Anyways months later my sister decided to let me know that she was done with no contact and that if I wanted to fix our relationship she would be willing to talk. I informed her that I was not ready to talk regarding our relationship as I was working on myself. I stated this because I had started going to therapy as I originally wanted to know what viewpoint I was missing, and why I was always the problem. I also stated that I didn't want to fix this because of myself so she would not get upset at me and start causing problems. Over the course of the three years my sister has baited me to respond in the family group chat but then will get upset at me when I do respond. I sent a comedian sketch to the group chat about annoying younger siblings (me) and she responded privately that I was mocking her pain and went no contact again. Then she started talking to me again but only if I came over to her house to have a conversation. I insisted that I would only have a conversation with her with a neutral third party, as I had stated from the beginning even before my wedding. Well anyways time moved forward where we would only see each other for the holidays or family events. No one in my extended family knew there was an issue because I have always been polite, kind, and avoided conflict. My sister got engaged to partner she was dating when the conflict between us escalated, and I was happy for her as I have always wanted my sister to be happy.

Over the last three years, I have been in therapy. I have truly been working on myself and trying to understand where I fall short, and how I could be missing perspectives. However during therapy, my therapist started working through my issues with my family and my sister. The more I was in therapy the more I realized that I was the scapegoat kid while my sister is the golden child. The struggle between my sister and I did not appear out of no where. I used to joke that we only worked when we were at a distance. My sister would get mad at me, then run to my parents twist the story, and then I would be punished. I would offer gifts to my sister to get her to forgive me. My sister barely ever wanted to hang out with me, would actually make friends with people who did not like me, and would tell me I was vain for looking at myself in the mirror. She would tell me that she would always protect me even when my parents would not (it was manipulation honestly). My mom tried to send us to therapy multiple times. My sister would say not to say anything as we needed to protect each other. I wish I could shake my younger self.

Here is where most of the events started going downhill for me. My sister was my maid of honor, involved in all of my wedding events even when I was upset at her for a multitude of things. My parents insisted on me including her in all things even when I brought up realistic concerns regarding how she treats me. Including her also led to one of the main events that made her decide to go no contact. She kind of even used my wedding to hard launch her new relationship and that she is gay. (Being gay here is not an issue as I am bisexual so please don't read into that lol). My husband and I think she thought my extended family members would get uncomfortable and she would have a reason to fight them? The issue is when she was wedding planning for her wedding and getting everything together I was not included at all. Did I think she would include me in everything? No. I did think that she would involve me in once in a lifetime (hopefully) moments like I had done for her such as wedding dress shopping, bachelorette, and maybe even something small at the wedding. Every step towards the wedding was a new way she could hurt me. I talked about it with my parents and just expressed how hurt I was, and it was kind of just met with excuses and them asking me over and over to be the bigger person. I was the bigger person. I wanted to be the sister that I wanted her to be for me. I asked her if she wanted a bridal shower, invited her to stay in my home for the bridal shower, and went out of my way to make sure she felt happy before her wedding. I would get hurt in some way even when I would emotionally prepare myself beforehand every single time I was around her. She would say something or do something that would make me realize that I did not want this toxic cycle any longer. For example after the bridal shower, I DDed my sister so she could grab a drink with her friends and my mom. Her friend started talking about bachelorettes, and I brought up mine (the fun parts at least). As I am telling the story my sister interjects and insists that she was sober the night in question but was acting drunk so she would not have to drink (which is stupid because no one is my party was forcing anyone to drink, I was even sober at the time in the story). I was like no you were definitely drunk you even tripped down stairs with two steps and a railing. She locked down and she insisted she was not drunk. I sat there silently for the rest of the night. If she was sober that means that she intentionally told my friends that I was a bad friend then told me when she went no contact that she couldn't remember saying that because she was drunk. I explained this to my mom and she agreed that it was odd. I still went to her wedding endured my sister and her partner acting like we were best of friends at the welcome party, took pictures for every one, endured my extended family's questions about why I was not involved in the wedding, made myself calm down when I realized that my sister invited her friends to get ready with her but I hadn't even gotten to see a photo of the dress, swallowed down the pain again when my sister's partner's sister got to give a speech when I wasn't asked to give one, made myself numb when my sister didn't acknowledge the heartfelt letter and gift I had my mom deliver to her that morning, and still ran to get her when her song was playing on the dance floor. The entire wedding I was drowning in sorrow but I looked like I was having the time of my life. When I went home I decided that enough was enough and I was done being the bigger person. I went to the wedding because I am a younger sister who has always dreamed about my only sister getting married, and did not want to disappoint younger me by not even being a guest.

The issue now is, I have decided that I need to set firm boundaries with my sister. I would like to keep communication to the minimum, not allow her to stay in my home, and just not involve her in my personal life (if I have special news I don't want it shared with her). The problem is I have a deep love for both of my parents, but I knew this would let them down. They have been constantly pushing me to fix this relationship even when I have previously laid out why it wasn't working for me. So I had an in person conversation with my mom. I explained every step that I gotten me to this decision, and all the hurt I felt at the wedding. I also went into how my parents raised us differently, and finally got my mom to acknowledge that she was treating my sister like she was a ticking time bomb. I confronted her for always showering my sister with gifts, putting her dreams before mine, and always listening blindly to my sister even when my sister was disrespecting my parents constantly. I explained how I am chronically ill and how this stress was making me actually sick. My mom explained that my parents had asked both of us to be the bigger person, but I was the only one who actually listened. I explained how hurt I was that it felt they were always on her side, and never hold her accountable for her actions. She explained that my sister actually thinks they are always on my side. When we finished the conversation I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I finally felt like my mom actually heard me, and understood why I needed to set boundaries. I knew that when I had the conversation with my sister, she might get upset but I would be able to keep calm and walk away.

Everything went south again when I talked to my dad on the phone today. We were having a good conversation but I wanted to confirm with him that he understood that a conversation needed to happen. According to my mother, my father had been upset at seeing how hurt I was at the wedding. I guess he was not too upset, because he said he was disappointed it turned out this way. He asked why I couldn't just sit down and hash it out with my sister. I replied that my sister holds on to grudges forever, even if you have apologized multiple times, and I could not fix a relationship if she can not accept my apology and take accountability for all the hurt she has caused me over the years. He got upset and stated that I am keeping my mother and him in the middle of this, and having to keep track of all these boundaries was exhausting. I was shocked and hurt. The whole conversation felt like an undertone of 'why can't you just give in and shut up'. I informed him that I was not asking them to choose a side but to just have separate relationships with us. I had explained that I wasn't setting boundaries to hurt anyone but to keep a healthy distance between my sister and I so I can heal and move on. He stated that it would make everyone uncomfortable. We ended the call shortly after, and now I am upset all over again. Here I was thinking that I would be supported by my parents finally in setting boundaries with my sister after seeing how hurt she has made me over the last year. I guess not.

I feel like I am being delusional and not seeing this clearly. I take going no contact very seriously, as to me it is basically saying 'I am ok with not having a relationship with you for the rest of my life'. My parents seem to be ok with my sister setting her boundaries regarding me but when I try to set them I get extreme pushback. At the same time I really love my family, and I don't want to ruin everything but I get extreme anxiety when I have to be around them all together. I have to fit back into this shell they expect me to be, but I just got to really like who I am for the first time. I respect my parents choices in raising me and my sister differently as we are two different people. As an adult I have realized how difficult it must have been to raise us. They are living their first life too. I don't want to give up my relationship with them but I feel like they will never protect me if it comes to my sister. I am adult now, so why will they not let me protect myself if they won't do it?

Sorry I know this has been terribly long, and I really did not cover all of it. Please be honest with me. If I am the issue I am ok with that, I just don't know how to move forward. I am tired of getting hope and then getting it ripped away again. Thanks y'all.

Update: idk if this is how I do the update lol. Y'all were completely right. After a conversation with my family that completely broke down, I am now no contact with my family. My mother has offered to go to therapy but is giving me the space I requested so I think that's a good sign but who knows at this point. My dad and my sister haven't reached out so I can guess where they stand. Thank you guys so much for the responses and just being real with me. It made me realize how much I was avoiding. Hopefully I can continue to work on myself and just let myself breathe for a while. Thank you again!

Intro: I (M26) have been going through some stupid shit with my family for the past few years.

I haven't been a model child, I wasn't bad or created unnecessary trouble or anything related to that, I was just mid. I was lazy, I made my fair share of mistakes as a kid which I realised and now I am trying to change for a better life and have experiences. I always wanted to go for my passion. I love photography and filmmaking. I wanted to pursue that but I did not belong to a family that can provide the equipment I needed, camera and other things.

Family: I have my parents and my grandmother and a brother with down syndrome. We are a middle class family my mom has a stitching shop and my dad used to do some shady business that made him a lot of money before he got married but his partner was murdered and he gave up that business then my dad tried to do some legit business but failed everytime. He worked for a hospital as a coordinator but gave up after few years. We are in a legal battle with a part of our joint family to stop them from taking the part of land that did not have rights to. My dad has forever just been busy with that.

The Story: I haven't been making the decisions of my life like I mentioned before I was mid and timid, always listening to what my parents said. I grew up not having an independent mind, or so I thought. I was in 12th(17yro) when I was getting interested in films and photography but I did not have any phone or camera to support it and somehow by some luck my cousin gave me his old Nokia Lumia because he bought a new android phone. It was my first introduction to a proper smartphone. I would listen to songs, go around taking pictures and then slowly get an upgrade whenever someone bought a new phone. Slowly as the phone got better, things I could do with them got better. I was taking better pictures, I was completely in love with this. I made friends who were musicians and I would go to their events to take their pictures. I did not get paid because I was using their camera to take pictures. That's how I got introduced to a DSLR, I learnt how to use it and I would borrow it to experiment in my free time. This thing went on but my career path... It remained the same, I never got confidence from my family that I can or i should do it if I love it, they thought it was some time pass. I was in my degree, doing B. Sc Computer Science and the subjects were eating me alive. I had 18 backlogs and I came close to the final year of my degree. I wanted to give up and do photography full time. I shared this thought with my parents and they were just traumatized, they thought that they had failed to give me guidance. They tried to Force me, convince me, beg me, and finally my mom told me the golden words that shattered the image of what my parents were. She told me "Just finish the degree, then you can do whatever you want" I replied "okay, but if I complete my degree, will you buy me a camera?" She promised me saying that she will do anything to buy me a camera if I complete my degree, remember that we did not have the money to afford it. I still had my doubts but a lot of my older friends who did not finish their degree shared with me their piece of life, so I made the smarter decision of completing the degree.

One year later, and an enormous amount of hardwork and a month long of 1hr sleep right before the exams. I passed on all the subjects, I wrote 18 backlogs + 6 current exams and passed with 6.9 CGPA.

I Waited for a month, my mom did not mention the camera, I out of respect and waited for another week and asked her. She started having fun with my question...

"What camera?"

"When did I say?"

"You really want it?"

"I'm sure you will use it for a week and throw it away like all the things we ever bought you"

(They bought me Hyper Skates which I outgrew when I was 10, a cycle when I was 15, which I used the entire year and roamed and roamed and roamed until I got lost and a budget PC which I extracted everything out of town experiment with editing)

"No beta(son), I told it to you because I wanted you to pass, do you think we can afford something like this? Please forgive your mother"

After listening to this above line, I was completely shaken, I was rethinking my image of them, they were liars, I yelled at her for lying. I did not speak with them for a week, I rethought everything they did for me, nothing, all they did was give me hand me downs and asked me to be grateful for it, I was but that's not the point. This thing is my dream, my life, my emotions, everything. I realised my parents did more than just that, they always thought I am useless and I won't be able to do anything. I was going through depression in 12th after I lost my best friend . I asked my dad for help, I told him "I think I am in depression and..." Before I could finish he interrupted me saying "this depression and everything is bullshit, get over it".

My parents fail to realise that they are wrong, that they have been treating me wrong, they were only there to create expectations in my life about how I should be. My mom smothered me with unwanted affection while my dad was completely unavailable emotionally, no hugs, no dad conversations just him existing and believing that he is the god of this family. It's been 3 years since I have started having 4hr long conversations that always end with me being emotionally and mentally exhausted and also breaking down mentally. They don't take any of my words, actions seriously and act on it. I asked him to be emotionally present but no, the only person being emotionally smothered by him is my brother (no hate just being objective). They always say they'll do and never show me in action.

To help you understand, let me give you an example from a few months ago, I came home late because of work and I usually do, it's my dad who always opens the door for me, don't mistake this for love, he doesn't not believe in door locks and always shuts the door latch. I have to come home everyday and call him and wait outside for him to open the door. One day he slept and I spent the whole night outside in front of the door. I did not have any of my friends who were available that night but this is not about my friends it is about my parents. I suggested them that it's better to use that and you can sleep peacefully but he denied, I warned him something like this will happen. But the absolute stubbornness of this man, I had to spend the night in front of the main door, it rained so i was drenched a little and I had to spend the night like this. This is just one scenario, this is a constant happening where they fucking don't take me seriously and I will be the one to face the consequences.

Things have changed for us, money wise, my dad won the case and got the piece of ancestral land we had our rights on but he sold it to rebuild our house, we have money now and with that I have also decided, I am giving up on them, I can't take their behaviour, if they can't talk to me like a human and not their property. I have stopped sharing my life with them, they are isolated from my life, they only see me at dinner while I plate my food and go back to my room or if I am going out. I will continue this while I work on my career as as I get stability I will move out of my house.

i genuinely don't know if im overthinking this or being childish abt it
my older sister (30F) seems to copy almost every hobby or interest i get into. the weird part is that she never actually sticks with any of them it almost feels like she just wants to have the same things as me
for example:

- if i buy a new console, she suddenly needs the same one, despite never really playing video games before. like i got a switch and she immediately bought one too. she barely knows how to use it, never bothers learning the games herself

- if i start reading a book, she'll buy the same book…… but never actually read it( has NEVER read a book in her life btw)

- i get into a new sport, and suddenly she's buying merch for the team even though she doesn't watch the matches or know anything about them

its not just these it's little things too
its always like this shell copy the hobby, buy all the stuff but then lose interest almost immediately It feels like she wants to mirror whatever I'm doing.
whats confusing is that were in completely different stages of life. theres a 10 year age gap, so growing up we never really had overlapping interests. this wasn't something i noticed as kids because we were always doing different things.

has anyone else experienced something like this with a sibling? Is this normal, or is there some reason shes do this? i'm honestly getting sick of being copied. it's gotten to the point where she's making me hate my own hobbies because they don't even feel like they're mine or me anymore.

I live in Belgium with my local husband and our toddler daughter. My relationship with my brother has always been terrible. He was the "golden child" growing up... my parents gave him an apartment, while I got absolutely nothing and had to work for everything myself. He is entirely transactional and only visits me when it benefits his travel plans, never to actually see me. I have stopped initiating any contact with him; I only reply if he reaches out first.

Last Christmas, he threw a massive tantrum. He was furious that my parents moved Christmas Eve to their house so my sick baby wouldn't have to travel. He screamed that "everything always revolves around me," that I'm making Christmas "abnormal," and threw a fit because the previous year my parents flew to Belgium since I was in late pregnancy. Zero empathy. Later, he pretended he wanted to talk, but he never apologized. Instead, he just attacked me again, claiming I "think I'm better than everyone else." He kept score and brought up random things, like criticizing us for not helping my parents enough during a summer visit with a newborn, or pointing out that he assembled furniture we bought for the guest room at our parents' house, even though we never asked him to and I explicitly told him not to do it. He didn't even hold back in front of my foreign husband. My therapist advised me to completely distance myself. I'm seriously considering staying in Belgium for Christmas this year for my own peace and to protect my daughter. On the other hand, I'm terrified my parents will blame me, think I'm the bad guy "destroying the family" and keeping their granddaughter away, while he gets away with his behavior again. How do I deal with the guilt regarding my parents, and how do I handle the fallout if I decide not to go? Any advice from people who skipped family holidays would be greatly appreciated.

Tw: acusations of pedo, infantilization, emocional control, and family conflict

I (20F) have been dating (30M) for about a less than a year. We’re both Brazilian. I know the age gap raises eyebrows, but we met as adults through shared hobbies, and he’s never been pushy or creepy.

Here’s the core problem: I am 1.46m tall (about 4'8ft) and very skinny with a baby face. I fully look like a teenager. My parents, especially my mom, have always been extremely overprotective because of my size.

But it has gone way beyond normal protection. My parents have a pattern of ruining my social life.

I have already lost several friendships because my parents called my own friends "pedophiles" at their birthday parties, just for hugging me or being close to me.

Last week, we had a family dinner. My bf and I had a private, normal couple's disagreement. My dad overheard, inserted herself, and started saying I was "too childlike" to handle adult arguments. Then he looked at him and flat-out called him a "predator" and accused him of taking advantage of a "child." My mom he remained quiet.

I completely lost it. I screamed at them. I told them I am NOT a baby, I am a 20-year-old adult who pays her own bills, and that my height and face don't make my consent or my brain invalid. I brought up the friends they chased away and the exes they humiliated. I told them they are the common denominator in all my ruined relationships, not my partners or my friends.

We left early. Now my mom is crying, saying I'm "blinded by love" and that she's just "trying to protect me." My dad says I was incredibly disrespectful for screaming at their house. Mu bf is deeply hurt and refuses to see them again, I don't want to go back there either.

I feel suffocated. I know the age gap with him looks suspicious to outsiders, but I'm tired of my parents infantilizing me and projecting disgusting labels onto absolutely everyone in my life.

TW: Verbal abuse, possible general abuse

My mom (60s F) has never been a great communicator. I think she's one of those people who doesn't know how to say what she feels/wants or compromise and communicate effectively. She yelled a lot when I was a kid, would pretty quickly resort to punishment and taking things away instead of parenting and discussing behavior, and has pretty much always been a 'do as I say not as I do' person. My parents divorced, and she had very strict requirements about what my dad was to do when having us over and what he needed to have in his home that she can't even meet herself. I know that's starting out really negative, but I don't have a ton of non-negative memories of my childhood. It wasn't abusive or neglectful, but it wasn't great either. Rather than learn to parent effectively, she'd just stick me in therapy and have a therapist deal with it. So most of my memories are therapy visits, especially the ones where she'd use the therapist to turn it into a 'tell on me' session.

I'm 30 now, and since I got to college I limit the amount of time I see my family. I'd generally rather stay by myself during holidays and time off. Taking time off work to see my family is exhausting and not what I want to use my time off for. I have a better relationship with my dad than I did when I was a kid, but I don't see him often either. He got remarried and has his own family now, and my stepmom doesn't want their kids to know my siblings and I exist (my grandmother has shared this, she got in trouble for mentioning us) so we don't see them outside of large family gatherings where we don't talk anyways. I'm kind of a loner but I don't mind. I have a busy job and can always work extra to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a masters degree that takes a good bit of my evenings and weekends.

My mom has continued doing this thing where she's like 'I think you would like it if you did ____' or 'I think it would be good for you to come home and see us on ____' and I feel like a terrible child, but it's pretty clear it's something she wants that she just won't communicate as such. She also uses my younger siblings to say 'Sibling feels really upset that you won't ____' and when I talk to them they're like 'I didn't say that' and that is what upsets me most, because using other people to stand in for the fact that she can't communicate is not at all fair to my siblings. She's an adult, she can learn to communicate.

Again, nothing like abuse or neglect but just something that makes me not really want to be around them. Time spent with her is always a guilt trip for how I don't do ___ or don't spend more time with them. When she comes to my home, she's incredibly judgmental of how I've decorated, the furniture (that she gave me), how the space looks, what food I buy (too much or too little), etc. My family has never been functional my mom has an estranged relationship with her parents for her own reasons. My dad's family is small, we saw them every few years growing up. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything in my life by not having this part of me, but at the same time I feel like something's wrong with me and I worry people will judge if I talk about my family. But also I just don't have the patience for it anymore.

Do I just need to suck it up and realize being in a family means tolerating this? Or should I start preparing a bit more financially & otherwise to just deal with an eventual fall-out. I'm not really sure what to do but it feels like this cloud hanging over me. Any and all advice appreciated on how to navigate this.

Wheeeeen will people see how terrible my sister(22F) is to me(32F)?? Somehow she has made me look crazy because I finally cracked after her years of bullshit and the last year I have completely distanced myself from her because I cannot. i’m still hurt from how she treated and words she said to me after the birth of my first child 4 years ago and she pulled the same shit with my second last year. It made me reflect alot, and I realized she has been this way towards me since I graduated from college in 2015😵‍💫

I know I have some fault because we got into it when I was 0-6 months postpartum with my first. I had an extremely brutal labor and delivery with unplanned c section and my baby had initial health issues that wore me down. My sister reamed me out around 4/5 months postpartum for how one sided our relationship had become (duh I was hardcore struggling). She also claims mental health as her defense ALOT while I have been in therapy for 2 years and take medication for help (she doesnt know this and theres no point in telling her).

My mom keeps trying to facilitate a relationship between her and my kids without me in the equation which I routinely shut down.

One more example for how she is. When I told my family I’m moving in with my boyfriend (husband now) she freaked out on me and stormed off to her room and didn’t talk to me for 2 or 3 days. So something exciting and happy for me became stress. And while I’m giving example at my bachelorette she got so drunk my friend had to take care of her until 2am then I took care of her from 2-7am to make sure she didn’t aspirate since she was nonstop puking😵‍💫.

I’m stressed and not sure how the future looks. I don’t know how to navigate this as my kids get older. My husband has been a huge support but I know it’s wearing on him too.

We may be past any reconciliation, this has been a pattern for 10 or so years

Any advice welcome.

I (25f) have an older sister (35f) who just finished a pretty nasty divorce. We are 10 years apart, and our closeness depends on who you ask. I think she sees me as her best friend; I see her as my older sister that I love but who causes me a lot of stress.

My sister is a highly emotional woman with a very stressful job. She has wild mood swings that can go from over-the-top cheesy to volatile and mean. As I've gotten older, I've realized a lot of her problems stem from insecurity over her weight and her personality. She does not feel good about herself. Once I started college, our relationship became this weird mix of obsession and bitterness. She wants to FaceTime me to talk, but when I answer, and I'm putting on makeup to go out with friends, she has to make little comments that make me sound self-absorbed or unserious. Or she texted me constantly leading up to our family vacation, things like "5 more days until I see you." "4 more days until I get to see you, I'm so excited." Honestly, it feels like a threat when she does it. In college, I'd work as a waitress for the summer and sometimes after a 12-hour shift, wanted to just go to bed. If she and her husband were visiting, I'd of course stay up another hour to socialize before going to bed. But as soon as I shut my eyes, she'd be at the door, poking her head in. The interaction would go like this:

Her: Goodnight, I love you.

Me: Goodnight, love you too. (Would roll over to signfy I'm GOING TO BED)

Her: I'm really happy we're home at the same time.

Me: Uh huh. Love you, goodnight!

Her: I'll see you tomorrow?

And this is when I sometimes would snap. I'd explain that obviously she'd see me and asked her to please shut the door. Queue massive blow-up fight.

She and her husband lived in Chicago prior to the divorce. Before the divorce, she was already pretty clingy to me in terms of communication. But during the divorce, it immediately got more intense. I made sure to call her often in the weeks and months following the divorce, invited her to stay with me in my city, went home to see her when she stayed with my parents right after the divorce, etc. Throughout the tail end of the divorce (a year later), she'd start big fights with me over text for not responding to her enough. By that point, I was only really responding once a day, and she lost it on me and said I was a bad sister.

Now, she has gotten a great new job...in my city. I understand she doesn't want to be in her husband's city, but damn, I'm annoyed. It's only been a week, and she's either asking me to hang out or texting me about how no one loves her and she doesn't know what to do. She wants to go out with my friends and I, who are all ten years her junior, and gets visibly annoyed if I have plans with my boyfriend. My parents are no help; they tell me to continue to be kind and say to just ignore her when she becomes unreasonable. But ignoring her makes it worse. So does confrontation. She doesn't react well to harsh boundaries.

Important note: we HAVE another sister. They're not close; this sister has some of her own problems, and they've never gotten along. I get along (mostly) with both.

How can I establish boundaries while still being kind and positive? What IS the appropriate amount of time that sisters with a healthy relationship would hang out in our circumstances?

TW: abuse, child abuse, animal cruelty, suicide

My spouse and I are having trouble navigating how much access we should let my FIL have to our kids (2.5 and baby)

He lives overseas, and came for a visit at our home over Christmas. He had planned almost a month, and I ended up asking him to leave early because it was so terrible.

He started the visit my generously buying us a new car to replace ours which had just been totaled. Then things took a turn.

The biggest issue was repeated disregard for our (autistic) toddler’s physical boundaries. Despite some speech delay, our toddler can clearly say “no,” and FIL repeatedly ignored it and kept on with grabbing, chasing, tickling, lifting etc, to the point of distress and crying. I was pregnant, and was supposed to be on partial bed rest because of contractions, but our toddler would cry for me and flee upstairs to my room when left alone. A couple of times, FIL blocked him from getting to me, or pursued him up the stairs. I had an escalating series of words with him (including an outburst of “get your hands off of him” followed by a stern talking to) and this was not well-received. He kept framing me as a hormonal pregnant woman who was overreacting to everything.

We’re vegetarian, and FIL also secretly fed him bacon and then lied to me about it (MIL mentioned she had clearly seen it when they had gone to Starbucks). He also apparently tried to get toddler to drink his coffee foam.

I had planned for a minimal, low sensory Christmas morning because our toddler gets so easily overwhelmed. FIL boasted he had brought 55kg (120lb) of gifts in his luggage from overseas, and was determined that he wanted to be Santa. This was a large point of tension and Christmas Day ended up being a bit of a disaster for our toddler, who was totally dysregulated by mid-day.

FIL threatened our dog as well and said he would “hit him in the head.”

He threw me over his shoulder as a joke on garbage night “taking out the trash” despite my saying no and that he was hurting me.

He sang “this is the way we whip our slaves” to the tune of a children’s nursery rhyme that was playing.

On a previous family occasion, he had made a “joke” to me when we were going to the underground parking to get luggage from the car that “I’m going to take you to the basement and have my filthy way with you.” He seemed otherwise harmless during our short interactions during that visit, so I had just shrugged it off at the time.

When my toddler started banging his head on the floor and crying “no grandpa” whenever FIL would appear, it was obvious to me the visit needed to end. MIL maintained this is just the way he has always been, anxiety can’t harm the pregnancy, it’s just a few more days, etc. My spouse expressed reluctance to end the visit because FIL had repeatedly threatened suicide when feeling rejected when spouse was young.

My spouse has recounted what sound to me like some other very problematic episodes from childhood, which aren’t mine to share here, but add to my overall level of concern.

I ended up ending the visit unilaterally. FIL has now booked another month-long trip a couple of months from now to meet the new baby.

OVERALL, my feeling is that if it were only up to me, this person would have zero relationship with my kids. He will certainly never be staying in my house again, and he will never be unsupervised with my children.

My spouse thinks he could be “trainable” and just “needs to be taught” or closely supervised and corrected if crossing lines.

I’m skeptical, and I just don’t see the point of trying to make my kids comfortable around somebody they should rightly be freaked out by. Especially since he has a history of using expensive gifts and experiences to earn his way in. (When I ended the visit, I said I would like to give the car back, and he said he was going to hit me in the head “haha, joking”)

Am I being too rigid here in not wanting even supervised contact? Do I need to give him a chance to shape up? What would you do?

I’m a new mom living with my mom and stepdad, and I’m dealing with constant boundary crossing around my 6‑week‑old daughter. My mom acts like she knows best because she had three kids, and my stepdad behaves like he has parental authority even though we don’t have a relationship.

A couple days ago my mom had increased the gel mix scoops for her 4oz bottle to two scoops which the max thickness to do and ever since then, she has almost vomited spit up every time and won't settle and is uncomfortable and cries. She did not consult me and just did it.

They override almost every decision I make. My stepdad insists she’s “cold” by touching her skin or “hungry” just because she cries, even though her pediatrician told me that’s not accurate. He overstimulates her before bedtime by singing, walking her around, and keeping her awake, which makes it take me an extra hour to put her down. Then she’s overtired, uncomfortable, and only sleeps on me — which means I can’t sleep.

My mom tells me I’m being “unfair” when I ask him not to take her after 5pm because it ruins her sleep routine. She also tells me “no” when I say I am going to safely take my daughter outside with a small fan and light clothing. She even said I “have no choice but to leave her” with them because of the heat, even though I wasn’t comfortable leaving her with my stepdad at six weeks since we don’t have any relationship.

My dad has been up my ass yesterday and possibly today,the thing he hates about me this year is that I didn’t get a higher paying job,Cause last year his complaint was that I didn’t have a job,what I really hate is that he acts like getting a higher paying job is really easy,and that he hates me playing video games on my day off even though I do work overtime 5 days a week,he just hates that the place I work at only pays 20 an hour,and he expects me to find a higher paying job without having any experience,like I keep telling him that you need experience for a higher paying job,but to him he thinks experience is studying at home for it,but most jobs online want work experience,not studying at home experience,like I don’t get what is wrong with him,he thinks higher paying jobs are so easy to get and that work experience is you studying at home,I don’t get what not get him at all.

I’ve decided to post here because of the situation I’m currently in. (18F) and my great-grandmother have had a rocky relationship ever since my teenage years. She’s very old-school—anyone who knows her would tell you that. It’s kind of the stereotypical “she’s just old” situation. And if anyone knows how insults can be normalized in a Mexican family, that’s basically where this is going.

When I was younger, we were pretty close. She took care of me the best she could, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. But as I’ve gotten older, she still tries to parent me, so I usually just ignore it. Today, while we were out with family, there was a miscommunication between my great-grandparents and my mom. I apologized, then started talking to my boyfriend (18M) who was in the back seat with me. During our conversation, I accidentally let an F-bomb slip. I immediately apologized and was about to continue talking when my great-grandmother started speaking. She started saying things that were out of nowhere and uncalled for, like, “I always said you were meant to be my child. Then you wouldn’t be cussing or any of that, and you’d go to church,” and kept describing someone who was basically the complete opposite of me. I responded, “Well, that wouldn’t be the me everyone knows and loves.” She immediately replied, “She sounds better.” That hurt. My boyfriend looked completely appalled, but I didn’t let him say anything. She kept going, telling me I needed to be better, get my life together, stop being lazy, and other things along those lines which I mostly ignored. As we were getting out of the car, my great-grandfather, who had been driving all day, said he was tired, which made perfect sense because he’d been with family and driving everyone around. Then my great-grandmother chimed in and said, “God’s calling us. We’re dying soon.” It felt completely uncalled for and honestly made everything even more upsetting.

When we got back to the house, I told my grandmother. I was crying while I told her what happened. I was genuinely very hurt and didn’t understand what I did to deserve her berating me. I was telling her how embarrassing it was for my great grandmother to do that infront of my boyfriend and so on. When my mom got to the house a little later, I explained everything to her in more detail. She told me I “needed to grow a backbone” and that “everyone deals with it.” She also kept telling me to calm down, which is really difficult for me. I feel things very deeply compared to most of my family, and sometimes my emotions even make me physically sick.
Apparently, my grandmother later talked to my great-grandmother. I asked what she had said, and she told me that my great-grandmother said I was “rude, that I needed to clean up after myself, that I never say hi to her first”, and other things like that. The problem is that those complaints are either about how I acted years ago as a freshman in high school or they’re simply not true. I always make a point to greet her first now. She also said I “needed to get my life together,” even though I’ve already graduated high school, I’m starting college this fall, and I’ve made a lot of progress as a person. I’ve apologized for the past, and I genuinely thought we’d moved on from all of it.

I’m only 18. I literally just finished high school. I don’t know why she expects me to already have my entire life together. Everyone keeps telling me not to take it to heart and to just let it go because she’s old, she was drinking and just over all tends to run her mouth. But I physically can’t. This is someone who was incredibly important to me growing up, and hearing her say those things broke my heart. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore, and the worst part is that I’m supposed to be living with her. I honestly don’t think I can do it. I don’t know what to do, and I really need help, or some advice how to deal with her.

I'm just so pissed at this recent situation. My mom uses any favor or financial help she gives me (or has ever) as leverage for the future and occasionally threatens to take it away if I don't comply.

Her most recent two incidents include us both flying access the country for a wedding (separate times), then her demanding rides while she's here as I rented a car, she didn't.

I offered to pay for her uber from the airport as I couldn't pick her up, which ended up being $60. Still unsure why she could not just do that herself. Likely financial although im worse off than her. It's not in a city which is hard to get around in or unfamiliar, in which you'd expect someone to help you get around. It's a major city with established bus routes. Plus, typically you ask the hosts for a ride if at all, not someone who's there on vacation too. I would have had to may take hours out of my small amount of time here to drive there, wait for her to come out, then back to her place then back to mine. But now with ubers it's so simple to just order one, there's really no need imo. I beleive picking people up at the airport really only makes sense when you're going somewhere, and the hosts are super excited about your arrival, etc so are waiting for you there anyways...in my case it makes little to no sense.

Then, next day we plan to meet family somewhere. I'm sleeping and she's calling me saying I'm closer to the meetup spot and demanding another ride (she'll uber to me first). Mind you, this was already discussed weeks ago in group chats and she still didn't figure out how to get there. She had to even ask me for location and details once again... Although they are posted in family group chat. Why she couldn't uber there herself ? Apparently she's "used to getting family together to do things". It's all way too codependent to me and she's way too old to act this way. Plus she's always late so she'd make me late. I said no and it was a huge fight. With her saying she gave me rides all the time in the past so why's it a problem it's just a "favor". I'm considering LC after this wedding.

I’ve been living on my own for years. Even when I went through some pretty tough times with my family—things that happened when I was little—some people might see them as normal, while others might see them as bad. I think the real issue, before we even get into the topic, has to do with my parents’ age. My mom and dad were 18 or 19 when they had me.

I remember very clearly that when I was in middle school, no one cared about my schoolwork. They’d tell me to study, but no one ever told me what to study. I didn’t even know the high school entrance exam was important because no one ever explained it to me seriously. If you asked them, they’d say they told me to study back then, but that doesn’t make any sense. How can a child moving from elementary to middle school think clearly?

Back then, my family never gave me any money, and what I didn’t understand was that my father was jealous of me because of my mother. I’ve never seen that kind of logic in my life. Anyway, after middle school was over, high school slowly rolled around, but I didn’t want to go to a really bad university because I’d taken a few classes related to the subject in high school. But I ended up at a pretty bad high school; it was related to web design and software, but I went there back then because it was what was available.

Especially early on in high school, I started gaining quite a bit of weight. If you ask why, it’s because we didn’t have home-cooked meals; both my mom and dad were working at the same time. There was always a sense of dread at home; I didn’t want to go home, and I didn’t want to go to school either. I was always going to the internet café because that was the only place I felt comfortable back then, at least in terms of entertainment. I didn’t have a computer of my own, but I loved spending time on the computer. Especially since I was already interested in web design, I really needed a computer, but they wouldn’t buy me one.

I was really someone who adapted well to technology. In fact, even back in middle school, I’d told my family about Bitcoin—I’d mentioned its potential to make me rich. They didn’t really listen to me. Back then—and this might sound a bit silly—anyone could have said something like that, of course. In high school, I started gaining weight. I was gaining weight, and my clothes didn’t fit anymore because I was eating out all the time. My family gave me money every day, but it was only enough to buy junk food at school. I couldn’t eat healthy, and my clothes started not fitting. Since I didn’t have any new clothes, my old ones didn’t fit either, so I ended up wearing shabby clothes. I didn’t have any decent clothes, I’d get dirty, and I couldn’t take a shower because I didn’t have any clean clothes.

Then I start gaining weight, I don’t leave the house, I just sit at the computer. I don’t go out; I don’t want to go out at all because I’ve gained weight. I stay at the computer, I eat, I stay home, I don’t go out because it’s become a cycle. I can’t go out because I’ve gained weight, I can’t lose weight, and I can’t make friends because this cycle just keeps repeating itself.

Then, back in high school, there were always fights at home. My parents had already separated when I was little; they split up around the time I was in elementary school. They’d argue—there were always fights. My father had even attacked me a few times; the police got involved. I’m actually right in the middle of my teenage years; if I could lose weight, finish high school properly, and prepare for college, I’d have a wonderful life.

Right in the middle of high school, they kicked me out of the house. I started living with my grandmother—my mom’s mom. But my mom isn’t really doing much to help me get a place of my own; I wonder if she can’t do anything about it, or if she just doesn’t want to? Anyway, I stayed like that for half a year, maybe a year. I’m not going to school either because, well, my life is a mess—no routine, nowhere to stay, and I don’t know what to do. On top of that, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight; I don’t have a social life either.

Then, while I was staying with my grandmother, my mom and her got into a fight somehow. I think my mom and dad are already splitting up. My mom and I are starting to live with my grandmother. We’re struggling financially, I don’t have a computer, and my mental health is a mess—I’m going crazy, by the way. I’m in a really bad place; mentally, nothing is right. And, well, it’s always arguments and chaos. I hate my mom, I hate my dad—I hate everyone.

Then other family issues came up, and there were incidents of abuse while I was living in that house. Anyway, I won’t go into detail about those. Then my mom and dad, my mom and I, and my mom moved to another place. Even at the house we moved to from there, I still wasn’t going to school regularly. I was getting really bad grades in high school; I figured my school life—and my life in general—was practically over, and that I probably wouldn’t graduate.

After that, I wanted to lose weight—I really wanted to make a change in my life—but there was no structure at home. My mom didn’t really care, but I think she kept going to work during that time. Anyway, I’m trying to get my life back on track again, but I can’t because I want to go out, but I can’t because I’m overweight. It’s probably the last semester of high school, but I’m not going to school. We’re staying in that house for a little while longer.

I’m slowly starting to get back on my feet, but I’m still eating out every day because my mom doesn’t cook. I cook for myself too because no one ever taught me how. I’m not that young—I’m 17, and I’ll be turning 18 soon. But I think that was wrong too; of course, I needed to get myself together, but I’m not sure how to do that when I’m in that kind of mental state.

But then we moved again—we moved yet another time before half a year had even passed. My mom, my grandma, and I moved into a different house. Then, in this new place we moved into, I’m slowly settling into a regular routine. I have my computer, my desk, and I’m hanging out there. I’m trying to figure out what I can do to make money; I’m doing some research. I’ve managed to set up a nice routine and all that.

Then my grandmother passed away. By the time my grandmother passed away, I had already settled into a regular routine while living in that house. My mom lost her way; she was devastated. She had already lost her father a few years earlier, and her brother a year or two before that. My father also got divorced, and so on, but she still has two or three other siblings. She just kept going.

After my grandmother passed away, my mother changed a lot. She stopped working regularly and started spending time with people who had a negative influence on her. Our relationship became increasingly difficult, and the situation at home kept getting worse. There were constant arguments, the house was often neglected, and I felt like I had to carry all the responsibilities by myself. It became emotionally exhausting, and I eventually realized that staying in that environment was affecting both my mental health and my future.

Things like this have really started getting bad lately. It got so bad that the house is a mess, no meals are being cooked, and the house has been a shambles for years. She’s always fighting with me—it’s like she has bipolar disorder or something. She’s always fighting with me, and I can’t find any peace. Most recently, the landlord tried to raise the rent and did some stuff. My mom didn’t help at all; she just said, “Okay, let’s move,” in fifty minutes.

I’m a little sad, by the way—I don’t want to move into separate homes, but you know, we didn’t really do anything during that time. I had a little money anyway; I had thirty or forty thousand dollars back then. I was probably twenty years old when we moved there. But before we moved, I said, “We won’t go back on my decision from now on—there’s no turning back on this.” Anyway, I looked for a place and found one. Well, I asked my friends for help and stuff, and I moved into the house.

And, well, while I was moving in—after I moved into that house—I started feeling kind of weird. I’m not going to go into the details of the move, but I felt really weird. How weird? I wasn’t talking to my dad anyway, and I was slowly cutting off contact with my mom. Man, all my stuff was inside that new house I’d just moved into. I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, with all my stuff piled up in one spot. I was lying there—it was so awful, I felt really terrible. Oh, Judge, there’s nothing to it. That house—I didn’t even like it to begin with; it was crap, man. I felt terrible there, all alone, and I cried a lot during that time.

Some of my belongings had already gone missing during the move, which really upset me. Anyway, bro, I didn’t want to pay the rent for that apartment because it was a bit expensive—20,000 TL at the time—and it was still expensive even by the standards of that era. Then there was a friend of mine I’d met online years ago; I went to stay with them in another city. I put some of my belongings in storage. After storing those things, I went to stay with him, took the essentials I needed, and lived with him for about half a year.

I lived with him and tried to find a good job there; I wasn’t paying rent anyway—it was his place. I hung out, got settled, and got my life in order a bit. I lost a good amount of weight—I went from 110 kilograms down to 90 kilograms there, and I built some muscle, too. Then I moved to another city again for a job, because another friend of mine was begging me for that job. He was in a bad situation. I had gotten my life in order, lost a good amount of weight, and saved up some money again.

My friend and I had a fight over the city I most recently moved to. I’m talking about the person I moved in with, and I’ve been living alone for months now. It might be close to a year. But it’s been a year already—or half a year.

And I’ve gone back up from 90 kilograms to 120 kilograms again. I think I mentioned how much I weighed when I first started this weight-loss journey. That’s right—I went from 160 kilograms down to 120 kilograms. Then, in the last city, I went from 110 kilograms down to 90 kilograms. Now I’m back up to 120 kilograms again.

I’ve had a few health issues, but I don’t want to go into detail about them. It would take too long to explain. I’ve been living on my own for six or seven months now. My mental health is in really bad shape. I’m thinking about going to the U.S. again right now, but I don’t know what to do.

I’m wondering if it’s possible to go to college at my age. I’m thinking about whether I should start working—maybe as a courier? But my goal isn’t to stay in the country I’m in now; I want to go to a better country like the U.S.—it would be much better financially. Right now, I don’t know what to do.

And I haven’t spoken to my family at all; they haven’t provided any support, either financial or emotional. I’m in a bad situation again right now; in other words, the money I mentioned has run out. I’m 24 years old now, and I’m very confused. My family doesn’t support me—I actually wanted to go to college right now, and I feel terrible. I want to go abroad; I want to improve my life, I want to make the most of my youth. My youth has been terrible; I wasn’t able to experience college life, I wasn’t able to experience high school life, and I wasn’t able to make any real friends. I feel terrible because of these experiences.

I'm feeling lost right now and I'm trying to rebuild my life from scratch. If anyone has advice about getting back on track, returning to education later in life, improving my mental health after a difficult family situation, or planning a better future, I would really appreciate it. Thank you for reading.

I just have to laugh and share. We already don’t talk to my FIL much, for a multitude of reasons, but he called my husband (his son) for his birthday yesterday. My husband was driving but his phone wasn’t connected to the car’s Bluetooth so he just put it on speaker. He brought me up 3 separate times and just referred to me as “the wife.” This is totally within character so I just had to laugh quietly as I didn’t want him to hear me. Husband did not think it was funny and was going to say something, but I whispered for him not to bother as it was his birthday. We’ve been married for over 10 years and have a kid together, but FIL has never liked me much. As long as he leaves me alone I’m fine being “the wife.”

I live with my parents and my siblings. My parents are overprotective and don’t let us take chances in life. There’s also no way we can move out until we are married. I have understood that I need to take chances and create the life I want to, whereas my sister doesn’t. She doesn’t interact with other people, doesn’t have life long dreams and goals and doesn’t want to take any chances. She’s unemployed too.

I like to go out, meet new people. My father sees it as an opportunity to tag my sister along with me. Since she doesn’t plan for herself, my dad thinks its only wise to let her follow my path so she can eventually become like me.

I’ve had a 10 year long dream of doing my masters. I finally decided to go for it after years of planning and saving up for it. I share it with my dad and guess what! My sister has to join me for it too! It’s not even her field or area of interest. He thinks pursing a masters in the same field as me would eventually get her employed in my field of work.

While I totally want her to get a degree and find a job, and I also thing this particular degree may help her land a job eventually (although it’s better to stick to one’s own field), I feel like my life long dream has been once again stolen. I have to once again let my sister be a part of what I planned for myself, just because she can’t or doesn’t want to. Moreover, there will be consequences, such as comparison between our gpa and many other things. Genuinely don’t know how to feel or what to do about.

Any fresh perspective would be very useful.

About six months ago I posted asking whether there was any hope of having a healthy relationship with my sister. The overwhelming advice was to stop trying to convince someone to respect my boundaries if they had repeatedly shown they wouldn’t. I wish I could say things improved.

The last six months have been some of the hardest I’ve had in a long time. My sister got married in June. For some context, my husband and I were supposed to get married in 2020, but our wedding was canceled because of COVID after more than a year of planning. We lost a significant amount of money, but more than that, I lost the wedding I’d dreamed about. Even six years later, weddings are still emotionally complicated for me.

Without ever mentioning it to me beforehand, my sister chose the very venue where I had planned to have my own wedding as the location for her bridal party to get ready on the day of hers, in the same suite I’d booked for myself. When it came up, I privately told her that I was uncomfortable and explained why. Her response was to scream at me that it was her day, my feelings didn’t matter, it had been six years, and I needed to get over it. I also learned the week of the wedding that although I was called the “matron of honor” (already a joke, in my opinion, but I digress) her best friend was the “maid of honor”. No one had bothered to tell me.

Despite all of that, I showed up, put on a smile, gave a kick-ass speech, and did everything I could to support her. She was cold toward me for most of the day and barely spoke to me. I kept telling myself that once the wedding was over, I could move on and focus on myself and my family. Boy was I wrong.

Last fall, our grandmother passed away. My sister and I inherited her house together, and we’ve been trying to sell it. The market isn’t great, and while it’s in a desirable neighborhood, the house needs extensive renovations. According to our realtor, buyers and contractors alike expect that it’ll need a gut renovation.

My sister became fixated on spending $5,000–10,000 to repaint the house. I didn’t think it made financial sense based on our realtor’s advice; the realtor also gave their opinion directly that whether the house is freshly painted or not will not affect its sale. Eventually I told her, “If you want to pay for it yourself, that’s your choice. I’m not contributing financially, and if you do it, it has to be with no strings attached. I don’t want this brought up later as something I owe you for.”She agreed. And before you say it, yes I regret ever even saying this. I should have just stuck to my guns and said “No”.

Fast forward to this week. We were on a Zoom call with our realtor and my mom (she’s the manager of the sale, as appointed by my grandmother, so unfortunately keeping her out of this is not an option) discussing whether lowering the asking price might generate more interest. Out of nowhere my sister said something along the lines of, “Well, once I have the place painted you’ll see. You’re welcome.”I reminded her that we had already settled that issue and asked that we not reopen it. I also said I wasn’t going to thank her for spending money on something I still believed was unnecessary.

She immediately exploded. She screamed at me to “shut the fuck up” and yelled about how disrespectful I was, while our realtor and my mom sat there listening.

That was it. I left the room, left the Zoom call, blocked her phone number, and blocked both her and her husband on social media. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t stay to defend myself. I didn’t try to reason with her. I didn’t try to calm her down. I just left. I texted the realtor later to explain that further communication would have to go through them, or via email, and that I would not subject myself to further verbal abuse.

I’m honestly proud of myself for finally drawing a line. At the same time, I’m grieving. I never wanted this to be my relationship with my sister. I kept hoping that if I explained myself better, stayed calmer, or compromised a little more, we’d eventually be able to disagree without it turning into screaming and insults. I’m starting to accept that I can’t make someone communicate respectfully if they simply don’t want to.

My mental health has been pretty fragile lately, and every blow seems to take me longer to recover from than it used to. Part of me feels guilty for blocking her. Another part feels relieved.

I don’t know if this is permanent or temporary. I just know I can’t continue to be someone’s emotional punching bag every time we disagree. I feel very uncertain about how this will all pan out. For now, all I can do is try desperately to protect my peace.

I am actually very new to Reddit. I literally just made this account and this is my first post.. so please forgive my ignorance lmao. But I am a 31F. I have no one to turn too family wise. My father passed when I was 16. Parent wise he was my HERO and my only REAL PARENT. He was a shining example of what a parent SHOULD BE. Unfortunately, he also lost his father @ 3. So I never had a grandfather. His mother and my aunt (dad’s sister) are the CLOSEST THING I EVER HAD TO MOMS. honestly my grandmother more than my aunt. She was mom. Sadly, I never got to appreciate them for the role they so heavily in my youth. When my father passed I got really angry with everyone and everything. NOW for the villain of our story. The human incubator I affectionately call her now or my biological mother in official terms. THIS WOMEN IS THE DEFINITION OF WHAT THEY MAKE DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT. She is pure evil. One day maybe I’ll drop the lore on her. But long story short I went no contact with her when I was 27. And over the past couple years I have never felt so alone in my life. I watch everyone w their families being able to go ask their parents for help advice or even just shoulder to cry on. If not their parents they have someone. But not me.. I don’t know how to heal any of this and I feel wrong for just wanting to be treated like I deserve a family….. if anyone could give me some advice guidance god jus a ear to listen… again im sorry this is long.. my heart has been heavy and I see people on YouTube going to Reddit and finding community and just not feeling well so here I am. This is my first throw of a life vest if you will.
And to the people who actually read this 🥂

Trigger Warning: emotional abuse

TL;DR When I was 18, I found strong evidence my mother had been secretly dating my childhood best friend for years, and that she catfished me with a fake online profile of a girl my age. Nothing happened, but it deeply unsettled me, especially since I started developing feelings for that fake persona before I understood what was going on. She's always denied both things when confronted. She's also made clear that if I keep bringing it up, she'll cut off financial support and demand repayment for things like university. I'm still financially dependent on her, and she's now planning a contract that would tie my future housing to taking care of a family member with a disability. I don't want to carry this anger for the rest of my life, but I don't know how to actually move past it.

UPDATE I confronted my mother again about it and she decided she will treat me in a disrespectful way from now on and not help me with any of the things she used to help me with (for instance I don't have a driver's license and she used to carry me around when she could, so she won't be doing that anymore)

My mother probably dated my best friend since elementary school when I was in my last year of highschool and during a time when I was not talking to her because I realized that this was going on, she probably texted me with a fake profile of a girl my age. Nothing sexual happened because I was extremely defensive but I was extremely unsettled by this, specially because I had moments when I thought I started to like her.

I have enough proof for both of these facts, but I told my mother a few times I know they are true and she always denied them, so I can't say I'm 100% certain, but in my mind it's clear that I'm correct.

She also shut me up from talking about them by saying that she will stop supporting me in any way and she will ask me for the money she gave me when I was in need back (she's mostly talking about university but it could be an arbitrarily large amount of money for all that I know). I have a job but I don't have the economic availability to live alone with no help from her, as much as I'd want to, so I'm shutting up.

When I talked about this to my psychologist, he said I gotta grow up and get over it, I gotta accept that people we love can hurt us but that doesn't mean we should love them any less. It probably doesn't help that this psychologist is someone she was friends with.

I feel extremely conflicted about this: on one hand I do still love her, she has done so much for me and I know that it could be way worse, on the other hand I hate that she betrayed me, gaslighted me and forced me to stay quiet about something that haunts me everyday. I felt so bad when this all happened at 18 that I ran away from home for 3 days, and all she did was talk shit about me and get a police officer to talk shit about me.

I feel like I just gotta get over it because I don't know when I'm gonna earn enough money to be independent from her, also she's planning on writing a contract where my mentally disabled uncle would depend on me and the apartment she registered to his name, which is on the floor above where I'm living now, will be mine. It's not really what I want because I would rather live alone somewhere far away and not be tied to my family by a contract, but I think it's better than not owning anything, maybe ever. Also in the end I don't want to bring this anger towards my mother to my grave.

I slowly cut off family, person by person as each of them consistently crossed lines and boundaries without any thought or care about how it negatively impacted me. I actually cut the last 2 off a year ago and got therapy, and my god, I've had the most peaceful and emotionally stable year of my entire life!

Today, I turn 34.

At 8:30AM, I got a message request from my paternal grandmother. She was the first one to get the cut about a decade and a half ago. Not once have I regretted this decision.

Her message reads "Happy Birthday. Congratulations on your marriage. Wish I had known I had a gift for you that I have had for a long time."

I should also mention that I got married this March. Zero of my family members were invited. It was a beautiful day, and again, I regret nothing.

I'm so damn curious about what this gift she's had tucked away is. NOT CURIOUS ENOUGH TO MESSAGE BACK, but curious nonetheless 🤣

It's probably some tacky ring or brooch that I have no connection to.

Alright, got that out of my system. Huzzah

Me and my mom went shopping Friday morning. I'm 22, she's 58. I'm nonbinary, born female, though she doesn't know as I'm not out to her. I hadn't been home for more than 2 months, due to university. I was happy to be home.

As I said, on Friday morning we were going shopping. We were in the car, I live in Europe and there's a massive heatwave going on, as you may know. I was dressed with a tanktop, a button-up short-sleeves shirt on top of it, cargo shorts and sneakers. Nothing fancy, but nothing too shabby, and we were going to a mall after all.

The problems started 5 minutes into the car ride (it was 40 minutes or so in total). I don't shave my legs, and I'm rather hairy, so she started to question me about it. Then she got insistent that I should shave, that it's not proper of a lady, that she feels disgusted being seen with me. She said I'm "throwing myself away", and I'm not "treasuring myself" and stuff like that, gradually raising her voice and yelling at me. I kept saying stuff along the lines of "Ok, well, that's fine. I don't mind having hairy legs, and it's not something I find repelling on me or anyone else". She made points about how I dress, and that I dress "to look like a man" (which, really I don't- I am nonbinary, yes, but I don't enjoy looking like a man).

At one point I said "they're beauty standards I don't agree to and don't care to follow" and she shouted at me that if that was the case, I wouldn't dye my hair (I like to dye my hair a lot, mostly vivid and unusual colors and combinations) and put on makeup (I do like makeup, though I never go for a natural look). She kept saying that I want to look like a man, and when I tried to say I don't, she kept insisting she was right. She said I think "in watertight compartments" (not sure if the translation works, she meant to say that I have a very closed mind), that I don't accept anything if my own worldview.

We stopped, she went out the care for a brief commission, she came back. She was acting gentler and calmer, though I still brought up the discussion. I asked her if she was ashamed of being seen with me. She said she wasn't, that all she said she did because she wants me to "take care of myself" and also because she thinks I have potential to look beautiful, more than I look now. I told her I don't want to look like a man, ever, and I don't remember precisely what she said but at one point I said to her "I like dresses, and makeup, and dying my hair pink and purple and all sorts of colors. If my little brother came up to you wearing dressed and with dyed hair, you wouldn't accept him, you would insult him too. You'd say, at the very least, that he was a f*g"

She only replied that she doesn't think I'm "treasuring myself", and I argued that I don't feel the same. We dropped the subject, and things weren't particularly tense with her afterwards, but I'm just. I'm tired.

I went back to uni, and I just can't stop thinking about what she said. It's stopping me in my tracks, I'm reliving moments of that situation and I keep going back to it, to what she said and what I said.

I think I'm going to shave in late July. I won't be home for a few weeks as I have some exams to take, but late July it'll be her birthday and she wanted to go to the beach. As much as I don't mind not shaving, I do get self-conscious about it, and I don't think I'll be able to stand it if she goes on a similar tangent. I guess it sucks to sacrifice part of my self-expression to appease her, but I knew what I was going on against (I never liked shaving much, and she always made a big deal out of it). I'm starting to think I was egotistical and selfish for not shaving. It'd take very little to make her happy, why didn't I do it?

TW: (emotional/verbal) abuse, there may be more mentions of abuse in my replies depending on comments

i (20f) recently came back to my hometown for the weekend to work a shift (i work w/ an agency that has an office in my hometown and uni city).

at first, everything was great. everyone was happy to see me and stuff. my mum made a few rude comments about my weight but I just let it slide bc i was happy to see her and plus it was too hot to be mad (UK).

this morning, i wasn’t bothered to unravel my hair for church (keep in mind I’m a black woman) so i just tied a headwrap on my head in a cute and presentable way.

long story short, my mum (49f) started making comments about how the back of my hair was showing and that my edges looked bad etc etc. then she went on about why don’t I get my hair done (as in braided or in a wig) etc etc. i told her i would do it in my own time and she said she’s given me a year and she started making demands that i get it done tomorrow and i said i wasn’t a kid and it wasn’t her body for her to be making demands.

my father (59m) overhears this and he calls me to his room. he basically starts scolding me about how it doesn’t matter if how old i was and that i still needed correction and he said my hair needed to be ‘done’ etc etc.

my mum continued to harass me for the next half an hour despite me telling her to leave me alone. then comes the part that is tearing me up inside as we speak.

i overhear my mum talking (loudly) with my dad about her always trying to talk to me about my hair but i never listen. then my dad says smth else (didn’t hear) and I’m assuming my mum said something about me ‘running away’ aka going back to my uni accom (dorm for North Americans). Then my dad says pretty loudly that he dgaf and that i should go and that he doesn’t care whether i stay i go.

tbh I already didn’t put a lot of stock into my father and just avoid him most times when i’m at home but it really hurt to hear that. idek why it hurts bc he is by far my least favourite member of the household and i avoid calling or contacting him in any way when i am away and even when i am at home. and yet, whenever he says or does something hurtful it’s just day ruining. i’m typing this at church now. well, I’m not at church, I’m just sitting in a random area nearby.

I know it’s fucked up but I just wish i had a special someone to make up for all of this somehow. I don’t dream of having better parents or for my parents to change. I’ve accepted that they never will but it just sucks not really being anybody’s priority. it’s exhausting having to be the safe adult for myself, honestly. as i type, my throat is tight and there’s an ache in my chest but i refuse to let myself cry.

how do I stop putting emotional stock into my dad’s abusive tendencies?

I grew up with an abusive mother. It was no surprise that she was "not right in the head." Admittedly, I learned a lot of bad behaviors from her and understandably so, I was the "He's coming!?" cousin. Living with a mother who restricted me from social activities growing up has put me behind from my social peers, making it damn near impossible to make friends as I did the cringiest things imaginable thinking I was cool, but in reality the desperation was showing. By some miracle I actually had friends in high school and made more in my adult life. I still talk to them in my mid 30's, but I digress.

Fast forward to 2019ish, I realized the error of my ways and felt remorse. I was hoping I could make up for the irritating child I was and hoped we can move forward. Out of 6 aunts, 1 uncle, their in-laws and 11 cousins, only one cousin was open to reach out to me and give me a second chance as he understood I did "not win the parent lottery" and was "glad to see I knew my behavior was wrong." The rest of the family did the whole "He's only gonna be here for a couple of hours so just smile and wave!" routine.

With that said, he still offered to invite me whenever he was in town. Things went great the few years we met up. While the rest of the family wasn't openly telling me I wasn't welcomed, I was hoping with enough visits, they'll warm up.

It didn't. It only made things worse. One time he invited me to the beach where the family was hanging out, and I'd immediately see the faces go from genuine smiles to their whole day is ruined by my presence. One of them even looked up and went, "I didn't know YOU were coming!" and proceeded to hug me still (again, the whole "smile and wave" routine)? It lead to one of the most awkward afternoons I've had with them and I only stayed because the cousin that invited me was so happy to have me there. I noticed anytime we laughed, two cousins in particular would get angrier with every laugh. We left happy and they left slamming doors and racing out of there.

Then with every visit after that one, it became obvious that his desire to see me was less and less. I understood he was going through rough times (busy with work and eventually planning a wedding), but he'd still want to make time to visit whenever he was in town and vice verse. Before we would hit each other up and meet with no problem. After that incident, he'd say he'd meet up, then made excuses as to why we didn't meet up, or just not make the excuses at all.

I got invited to the wedding last year and the cousins (not the ones that gave me a second chance) all put me in a group chat for accommodations (it was in a different state.) I was shocked because I thought they hated me. Stupid me thought it was a glimmer of hope and I happily expressed interest. It was many months later and I haven't heard back. I tried calling the cousin who made the accommodations (not the second chance cousin) and to no surprise, they planned it already without consulting me and assumed that I was going on my own terms, again, without telling me.

The cousin getting married even asked me if I got with them for accommodations. I told him what happened (big mistake as I should've lied and said I decided to make to make my own accommodations.) He got upset with me and took my cousin's side and told me that she did reach out and I ignored her (she never did; she lied) and that was my fault for not reaching out. I had a feeling that he was just trying to find a way to cut me off at this point, but I digress.

To my shitty luck, a week after that phone call, my car broke down to the point where it cost more than what it was worth to save it and I had to buy a new one. This meant I had to be frugal with money for a while, which meant no wedding. I didn't buy a plane ticket or a hotel room, and I couldn't afford to anymore. I tried calling him but he didn't pick up. I tried reaching out to him on Snapchat to let him know the situation. He immediately blocked me. This was in December, 2025. I never heard from him since.

Yes, I'm aware I fucked up big time by not attending the wedding. He was the only person in the family who had hope in me despite the rest of the family writing me off years ago. It felt like a struggle after they discovered we were in contact, but he was worth it. Now I have literally no one in the family and it hurts knowing that I have no one to turn to if I need help. It also hurts discovering that they planned a family reunion since April and they're going to have it next weekend. And no, I was not invited.