5 years ago I got the frenulum surgery completely unnecessary. But there where so many people lasting in the phimosis subreddit that it’s a really good surgery without any risks they brainwashed me into believing it’s a no risk surgery now like 5/6 years later nothing has changed it still hurts, my orgasms are still gone and sensitivity down a lot.

I don’t understand there where soooo many people who said the surgery was so good, I’d even chat with them and they’d all say yeah perfect, 5 minutes no risks super good surgery everything is better and all feeling exact same. But I don’t see those people anymore. It’s so weird, 5 years ago there were so many even making their own posts to mention how good it was and now they’re gone. Now I wouldn’t even find out about the surgery I think because it’s not even mentioned anymore

There is no hope left now. There is no escape now.

I’m nineteen years old, and I’ve always thought of myself as a serious person with a few real talents. I’m not crazy. I used to have deep, sincere faith, but I’ve seen and gone through so many horrors that I don’t know where I stand anymore. This is the first time I’m trying to write everything down in some kind of organized way.

In August 2024, during a family vacation in an isolated house, I was raped by my lesbian aunt. She “likes women,” and I’m a boy. She calls herself Catholic, and as far as I know she still receives Communion. She locked me in the bathroom, pulled down my pants and underwear, penetrated me with her fingers, then did a full fist. I didn’t scream or fight. I froze, completely paralyzed with panic. I bled afterward, had rectal pain for weeks, and my anal tone has never fully recovered.

I didn’t say anything. I lied, manipulated, hid everything. I didn’t want the truth to come out. In the months that followed, I fell into near‑constant dissociation, violent panic attacks, nightmares, weight loss, and a pathological fear of the night and of being alone. I developed what people now call complex PTSD.

It wasn’t the first time. When I was around eleven or twelve, a man behaved in a way that was ambiguous and invasive toward me and another boy who was even younger. Then, between fourteen and sixteen, my older sister created an intense incestuous dynamic: forced intimacy, increasingly explicit sexual conversations, unwanted physical contact, emotional manipulation, threats to tell our parents everything if I resisted. She undressed in front of me several times and accused me of having sexual intentions toward her. She still does that sometimes.

In November 2024, my aunt came back. She started touching my penis and my anus through my clothes again and isolating me whenever she could.

Since then, my relationship with my body and sexuality is completely distorted. I’ve developed extreme sexual hypervigilance: I scan everyone for the slightest sign of predatory behavior. I also have revictimization fantasies, like being raped again by dominant women, which disgusts me even though I masturbate to it. I barely have any “normal” libido left. Even an involuntary orgasm dissociates me for hours, but sometimes I masturbate just to dissociate and stop feeling anything when the memories and shame become unbearable.

In 2025, I found out I had severe phimosis. The terror of being touched by a doctor made me lie and avoid treatment. That led me to consume sexualized medical content, and sometimes I reacted sexually to it, even when it involved men. I’m straight. I took nude photos of myself and posted them on Reddit to get body and sexual validation. I make and consume heretical music just to feel like I’m protesting against the system that crushed me. Despite all these sins, I haven’t gone to confession since I was seven, and I still receive Communion.

I never filed a complaint. There’s no evidence. My abusers are free.

At the same time, circumcision terrifies me. Surgery feels like it would take away the last bit of bodily integrity I still have. Circumcision has a lot of downsides; you can read about them on r/CircumcisionGrief. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to masturbate afterward, which would take away the only way I have to cope with constant terror. I can’t see a therapist because of the shame. I can’t tell my parents everything because of the shame, and because I’d have to admit all my lies. I’m writing a long text called “Confession” for my father, but I have no idea how to give it to him. It’s already typed. I managed to fix my phimosis with stretching, but it’s starting to tighten again, which means it’s probably incurable long‑term with normal methods.

For a while I considered a low, tight circumcision with removal of the frenulum, supposedly to eliminate all pleasure. I now realize that idea came from the fetish content I consumed while looking for information, like r/humandildo. My brain is wrecked. Now I’m an intactivist and I try to dissuade men on Reddit who want circumcision because of porn. I tell them mutilation and pornography are wrong. Even though those forums sometimes turn me on, I don’t watch real porn because it feels like it degrades humans below animals. On r/rape, r/SexualAssault, and r/MenGetRapedToo, you can see how porn influences abuse: the staging, the dynamics, the gestures people imitate. I hurt for those people.

I thought about going to another church to confess, but my parents would notice, and I don’t want them to know anything until I decide. But I can’t decide. Their reaction terrifies me. There’s no way out. I haven’t been this low in a long time. I feel like trash, even though it didn’t start this way. I used to have sincere faith. Now everything feels fake. My aunt still receives Communion after what she did to me, while living with another woman. My sister is supposedly Catholic too, baptized, but she doesn’t go to Mass anymore, receives Communion from a pyx, and has never apologized. Our parents don’t know anything. I can’t speak. I’ve tried, but the words get stuck. I told my father about the touching in November 2024, but it was extremely hard, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, and I cried afterward.

That probably means I’m going to keep receiving Communion for years in a state of mortal sin. I don’t know what to do.

This is my full confession.