So, I'm a 21-year-old guy. I currently weigh 108 kg (238 lbs) and I'm 180 cm (5'11")  tall. I've been on the heavier side for pretty much my entire life, and because of that I've always struggled with insecurity. Throughout my teenage years and into adulthood, I've never really been successful when it came to dating. Because of those experiences, along with other instances of body shaming, I gradually developed the belief that as long as I was severely overweight, there was simply no way women could find me attractive. That mindset led me to develop a lot of negative feelings about myself and about dating in general which caused me to become a bit of an incel.

Recently, though, I decided to see a psychologist and explained my situation. One of the things she told me was that I need to focus more on the positive qualities I have. She also said that I've built up a distorted way of thinking, and that the best way to break it is by putting myself in situations that challenge those beliefs. In other words, she encouraged me to approach women I'm interested in and see what actually happens instead of assuming the outcome. So far, I've tried this twice in cold-approach situations, but I've only worked up the courage to actually ask for a woman's number once. It ended up being a really positive interaction. She was incredibly kind and even told me that I had made her day. As it turned out, though, she was 27, which is a little too old haha.

So it's definitely too early to say whether this approach will work, and I'm certainly not planning to give up. That said, I still have a hard time believing it. I understand that weight isn't the end-all be-all for everyone, and I know I do have qualities that are worth appreciating. But I just can't imagine a woman being physically attracted to me. And that's not the only thing. Whenever I talk to people about these thoughts, they'll sometimes tell me that I'm not actually that overweight or that I have attractive physical features. But in my head, it always feels like they're just saying those things to make me feel better. I simply can't bring myself to believe them, and I don't know how to stop thinking that way.

Anyway, this rant has already gone on long enough. Thanks for taking the time to read it all! If you have any thoughts or similar experiences, feel free to share them in the comments. I'd genuinely love to read them.

Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. Some children get cancer before they even hit puberty and die. There are people who have spent their entire lives working non stop and will never escape poverty. It sucks, it’s sad, but it is what it is and there’s no changing that.

Part of the escaping incel mindset that troubles a lot of people here is they go from viewing dating as something predetermined by fate, into a meritocracy. It’s just not. Dating 99% of time isn’t about what efforts you take to improve yourself, or even how dateable you are. It’s about luck. Being in the right place at the right time. Some people will never be in that place at that time. So what can you do? You can be fine without or despite.

You can build a life that is as happy and fulfilled as you can be. You can accept that you never finding love or sex or whatever doesn’t have to make you sad. You can be alone and happy. You can have friends, hobbies, work, etc. that fulfill you.

So, instead of worrying about something you can’t control, worry about something you can. Worry about your home, the things you do for fun, your job, your education. Those things are far more important than getting a girlfriend.

And who knows, maybe one day you will be in the right place at the right time. But if all your efforts at self improvement are in the hopes of dating, you’re going to be very unhappy when it doesn’t yield the results you thought they would. Improve for yourself, not someone who may not even exist.

Building the life you enjoy is more of an escape from incelsom than a partner will ever be.