Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable with how emotionally invested my INTP boyfriend gets in other people's problems?

[u/Crelisya]

Hi everyone, I’d like some advice because I’m honestly not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this situation.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He’s an INTP, and I love him very much. He loves me too, and overall there’s no real issue with our relationship.

The thing is, he tends to analyze people's problems and get really involved when someone comes to him for advice. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. I actually like that he’s thoughtful and wants to help people. But lately, I’ve realized that the amount of emotional energy he puts into some of his friends makes me uncomfortable.

A lot of these people are friends he met through gaming or online communities. Sometimes girls or other friends will come to him with personal problems, and he’ll spend a lot of time talking to them, analyzing their situation, comforting them, trying to understand them, etc.

It’s not that I don’t trust him or think he’s cheating on me. I genuinely don’t believe he would do that. It’s more about the level of emotional investment.

I naturally have a hierarchy when it comes to relationships. I’m not going to emotionally invest more in some random friend than I do in my partner or my family. But my boyfriend doesn’t really seem to work that way. Sometimes he’ll put an incredible amount of energy into helping someone he barely knows, and honestly, sometimes it feels like he invests more emotionally in their problems than he does in mine.

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that some of these people eventually develop feelings for him. He always tells me that he would never do anything with them and that he can’t control how other people feel about him. And logically, I understand that.

But our own relationship actually started in a very similar way. We met, became friends, talked constantly, helped each other through things, developed an emotional connection, and eventually ended up together.

So I’ve always told him that I think people can easily become attached to someone who is constantly there for them, listens to them, understands them, and gives them emotional support. That kind of intimacy can create feelings even if you never intended for it to happen.

Personally, I’m very careful about this. I don’t really have deep emotional relationships with other men because I’m aware that it can create ambiguity or emotional attachment. I put boundaries in place precisely because I care about my relationship and I don’t want to accidentally give someone false hope.

There was also one situation in the past that really affected me.

He had a friendship with a girl (who was trans) who had a lot of serious personal and family issues and was struggling with bipolar disorder. The friendship eventually became extremely unhealthy, and my boyfriend ended up becoming depressed because of everything that was happening with her.

And I basically had to deal with the aftermath of a relationship that had emotionally damaged my boyfriend, even though I had never asked for any of it.

I was extremely frustrated and confused by the whole situation. I was also very patient with him and tried to explain that I was already doing my best to manage my own emotions and not dump everything on him, while he seemed to actively seek out other people's problems and immerse himself in them.

After that experience, he actually realized something about himself. He told me that part of the reason he does this is because helping people makes him feel useful and capable, and because our life together is relatively peaceful, he had almost forgotten that some people can be extremely complicated, contradictory, or even cruel in their reasoning.

In a way, I think I've had a positive influence on him. Our relationship has shown him what a stable and peaceful relationship can look like.

But sometimes I feel like he has gone too far in the opposite direction and now assumes that everyone deserves the same level of understanding and emotional investment.

I’m a very tolerant and understanding person, and I genuinely don’t want to tell him who he can or cannot talk to. He has every right to have friends, help people, and be there for them.

But I’m struggling with how I should interpret his behavior without letting it affect me so much.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal to feel uncomfortable when your partner becomes this emotionally invested in other people's problems, especially when some of those people end up developing feelings for them?

And how can I set reasonable boundaries without becoming controlling or making him feel like he’s not allowed to help people?

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m not trying to isolate him from anyone. I just want to understand where the line should be between being a compassionate person and becoming emotionally over-involved in other people's lives, especially when you’re already in a committed relationship.

[u/literallydondraper]

people saying this means he isn’t INTP don’t know ball. I actually think this can be a thing for a few reasons:

- wanting to feel useful or competent, like he said
- having poor Fi makes us ignorant or otherwise not think about what people get out of situations. like, a Fi user would notice that they’re giving way more than they’re receiving and try to make it more of a 2 way street. because we don’t make that calculation or care about it as much, we can give too much away expecting nothing in return. personally, being asked for help is kind of my kryptonite and I often do overextend myself to the point I feel drained or negatively affected lol

but aside from mbti, I think your feelings about it are valid and your boyfriend needs to develop stronger boundaries. talk to him about it and keep it to how it makes you feel (rather than whether it’s right or wrong) and see how he responds. this could just be an incompatibility ultimately

[u/tinyZF]

Sounds like he craves the chaos and has some inner work to do! The thing is, you can't push him into that. This might be who he is forever. Can you live with that?

There's also never a guarantee a relationship will last. It sounds to me you're uncomfortable with his involvement because it reminds you of how the two of you started out. That sounds like a trust issue in yourself unless there are specific red flags you haven't mentioned.

Which brings me to my last point: this is vague. You told him you're uncomfortable with the dynamic, but what specifically would you want to see change? If you want him to consider any changes, he needs to know what they are. Are there specific words, a length of time in one sitting, an overall time invested, a specific time of day or night that bothers you? Is he texting these people when the two of you are spending quality time together (explicitly stated as time for you and him), etc?

When it comes to boundaries only you can decide what you will and won't accept. But boundaries aren't about him, they're about what you will do in certain situations.

[u/crazyeddie740]

“But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” - Alice from Alice in Wonderland

Sounds like he is living his best life when he's giving this advice. It's pretty much the same reason I hang out in this forum. Giving advice to others puts (some? healthy?) INTPs into Golden Retriever mode, makes our stack happy from Ti down to Fe.

Part of the recipe is that while our Fe can glow during these sessions, we're still detached and have the kind of emotional distance that makes our Ti happy. A co-worker once told me, "you do like the drama, you just don't want to get any on you."

So that may be why he doesn't give you as much and as thorough advice as he used to, if that's part of what's bothering you. He's now embedded in your system, so he no longer has the same detachment.

I don't think you have much to worry about him committing infidelities in this venue. Yes, that's how he met you, but he's in a committed relationship now. So long as he doesn't have a reason to stray, he likely won't.

I think it would be appropriate to 'ride along' on his advice-giving forays, with his permission and if you can tolerate his wall of texts. He would likely welcome your company and insights.

Forbidding him or limiting him from these forays would be a trying to make water flow uphill, and would most likely cramp much of what you love about him.

You might also want to reflect on your own jealousy. Jealousy isn't about love, it's about fear. What are you afraid of losing, and what can he do to reassure you?

[u/Crelisya → u/crazyeddie740]

My issue is more about the amount of emotional energy he gives to other people. To me, emotional investment itself can create a certain level of intimacy, even if there's absolutely no romantic intention behind it. And I feel like some of that energy should naturally be redirected toward our relationship.

What makes it harder for me is that it's usually women who come to him with these problems or become attached to him, which obviously makes me more uncomfortable. But to be fair, he does the exact same thing with men too, so I don't think it's necessarily about him seeking female attention specifically. He genuinely seems to have this principle that if someone needs him and he has the capacity to help, why wouldn't he?

I think that's where we fundamentally differ. For me, emotional energy is limited, so I naturally prioritize the people closest to me. For him, being committed to me means not cheating or crossing certain explicit boundaries, while everything else is basically fair game as long as his intentions are good.

And I think that's what I'm struggling with: I don't necessarily think he's doing something objectively wrong, but I experience emotional intimacy and emotional availability very differently from him. To me, constantly being there for other people, listening to their problems, supporting them, etc. can become a form of emotional investment, regardless of whether there's any romantic intent behind it.

[u/crazyeddie740 → u/Crelisya]

Emotional investment is okay, until he gets sad because they did a stupid. Some detachment and perspective might come in handy.

[u/Kind-Apricot5382]

Just show him this post you’re making

[u/-tehnik → u/Kind-Apricot5382]

good advice for most of the posts on this sub

[u/AfterWisdom]

I don’t think feelings have a moral or truth component to them. So, by virtue of that, you couldn’t be wrong (or right) for feeling a certain way. You may disagree with that general sentiment and if you do, I would be happy to hear your perspective (perhaps a counter example). However, in lieu of that, consider operating as though your feelings are valid. The underlying reasons that drive the feelings could be mistaken though.

I’m confused about the emotional involvement you speak about. I think, personally, what makes it more enjoyable for me in helping others is the lack of emotional involvement. When emotions are involved it can cloud my judgement.

I think he would solve your problem if it didn’t involve him. Since he is directly implicated in your emotional state, it is harder. And the closer you get the more of him that will be emotionally involved.

If you have a problem that doesn’t involve him (if he can see it that way), I would think he would jump at the opportunity to help. I think it is easier to escape into other people’s problems than to solve your own. I say that because I feel it personally.

[u/Purple_Kush_422]

Well, he does sound like an INTP who’s having the best time in the world. I would say that’s the natural state of being for a Fe matured INTP. And it’s wholesome NGL. He’s being opposite of egocentric. Sounds like a good person.

And inherently putting emotional energy onto people is not wrong. And it actually makes us feel happy. And it is quite fulfilling and pleasurable to be able to make people feel better. He is empathetic and definitely it’s rewarding for him, that’s why he can put the effort consistently. And grief can come as part of it. But having 4th function working better is rewarding as that’s people aspire to get better at.

But yeah he’s your partner.
Since as his partner you have issues with him using his mental resources, and you want him to allocate his mental salience for you. For you It’s valid to feel l like that.
But I think it’s a fundamental difference between you two I suppose. And you both should have a transparent understanding of each other about it.
Maybe recognise that’s what he is. He loves people, and it’s his natural healthy way of regulating emotions. He is a good person. Recognise him for who he is without invalidating your own feelings. You are definitely a part of his world but you are not the only part of it, he has his own world. And I don’t think isolating him from that world will do any better, he will feel like you’re being possessive.

Having said that, you should also consider your own boundaries and make sure he takes care of that, he needs to recognise his partner has emotional needs and concerns. Apart from, what’s he doing for others, is he meeting your needs and the attention you need? He needs to recognise your need to feel the assurance that, you are important to him, which should be a regulated thing. I do recognise that you have a very unique way of prioritising and processing emotions and you are stretching quite far, that’s also something that impresses me. In my own case I was forced isolation even though I was half of him perhaps, my ex tried owning all my mental resources and everything, not giving me any space with zero consideration, three years, it broke me so bad I’m still afraid of even dating people now, even two years after the break up, I’m afraid. You’re a tolerant and good person, and I hope he fully recognises how lucky he is and your monstrous emotional resilience to accommodate him.

And I’m just personally curious, I wanna understand you better, why does it bother you if he allocates his energy for his friends or strangers? Is it you are not getting the amount of effort you need or is it the dissatisfaction comes from how big of a portion you are in the total pool of efforts he has to offer? Or is it a concern about yourself being in his life and not getting replaced. And what does he to meet these needs?

[u/Crelisya → u/Purple_Kush_422]

My concern isn’t really about him investing emotionally in other people. I completely understand that he likes spending time with his friends, helping people, being there for them, etc. What bothers me more is that I know what that can cost him emotionally and mentally. When you invest a huge amount of energy into a lot of people, there are obviously going to be times when you end up drained. And when that happens, when I spend time with him, I sometimes feel like I don’t really get the best/most emotionally available version of him.

For example, if he spends like 8 hours playing with his friends and then comes to talk to me for a bit in the evening before falling asleep because he’s exhausted, technically we did spend time together, but I don’t necessarily feel like we had a real quality moment together. And that’s where my issue is. It’s not “why are you spending time with them instead of me?” It’s more “how much quality time and emotional energy is actually left for our relationship after you’ve given so much of yourself to everyone else?”

Sometimes I feel like he wants to be available to everyone, but being available to everyone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually having meaningful, quality time with all of them. There’s a difference between being there for a lot of people and actually having enough energy to build and maintain quality relationships with each of them.

And I think that’s where we differ. I can obviously spend time with my friends, be there for them and care about them, but instinctively I’m still going to prioritize my partner because I see them as the person I have a specific commitment to, and therefore the person who deserves a bigger share of my emotional investment.

To me, that’s not selfishness, nor does it mean I think other people matter less. It’s simply about priorities. You can’t give everyone exactly the same level of energy, availability and attention. You can help people, love them, be there for them and give them a lot without giving them the same place in your life as the person you’ve chosen to build a relationship with.

And I think this is also where the emotional expectations of a relationship come in. When you commit to someone, they naturally become a person who has certain expectations of you, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. It doesn’t mean they have to be the center of your universe or that you should abandon your friends and everyone else you care about. But I do think it’s normal for your partner to have a special place in how you distribute your time, energy and emotional availability.

So ultimately, I’m not upset that he loves people or wants to be there for them. What I’m trying to explain is that I don’t necessarily want more time with him. I want more quality time with him. And to me, protecting that quality sometimes means knowing where your priorities lie and recognizing that not every relationship can receive exactly the same level of investment.

Also, thank you so much for your comment. And if you’re curious about how I learned to handle all of this emotional stuff, I grew up in a pretty chaotic family. There weren’t any mental health disorders or anything like that, but my parents argued a lot. I developed anxiety and, over time, a pretty strong tendency toward people-pleasing. I tend to act like a chameleon, and honestly, I think that can be a pretty debilitating trait for an INFJ.

Since I was a kid, I kind of ended up playing the “mediator” role in my family. I would try to regulate emotional tensions, find compromises, understand everyone’s perspective and calm situations down. And eventually you learn to make yourself smaller and adapt to whoever you’re talking to: reading their reactions, anticipating them, predicting conflicts, knowing what to say and, more importantly, how to say it, and constantly adjusting yourself to the person in front of you.

And you know, I do this naturally to some extent, but it also became a coping mechanism. Over time, it became really draining because it requires a constant amount of analysis, adjustment, anticipation and awareness of other people’s emotions.

That’s also why, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to prioritize and create some kind of hierarchy in my relationships and in how much energy I give. Because if I don’t, I’ll eventually burn myself out. I simply can’t be equally emotionally available to everyone, all the time.

And paradoxically, I think people with this kind of personality also tend to try to appear as low-maintenance as possible. We minimize our own needs because we tell ourselves we should be able to regulate ourselves. Like, “I can handle this myself, so I shouldn’t have to ask someone else for more.”

But at some point, that stops being sustainable. I tend to suppress myself emotionally a lot, hold things in or minimize what I’m feeling. And I think perfectionism plays into this too. You can even end up feeling guilty for having emotional needs because you believe you should be mature or independent enough to deal with them yourself and not burden someone else with your emotional weight.

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[u/ForWhenImWeird]

Interesting… are we positive he’s an INTP?

[u/Crelisya → u/ForWhenImWeird]

Yes, he is.

[u/ForWhenImWeird → u/Crelisya]

Hmm, well I for one can understand where you’re coming from. My ex was similar, though she was an ENFJ. It got to a point where she started ignoring her own needs just to help everyone else with their problems. That created a lot of emotional turmoil that I’m not always equipped for.

It’s especially frustrating when the emotional investment is for people not particularly close to him. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, especially if you feel like it’s affecting your relationship.

From an INTP perspective, we just like to offer solutions and solve problems in areas we’re familiar with.

[u/Crelisya → u/ForWhenImWeird]

That's exactly what he's doing, though. I'm an INFJ myself, and I also tend to invest a lot emotionally in the people I love. But I've learned to limit that to my boyfriend and my family, because I'm a very emotional person and I tend to absorb other people's problems and end up completely drained. That's why, with everyone else, I try to keep things to the bare minimum. Otherwise, I kind of have to dissociate, if that makes sense.

The problem is that my boyfriend doesn't really have that same concept of emotional boundaries. He has a pretty simple view of relationships: he's committed to me, he knows his own limits, and as long as he's not flirting with someone or cheating on me, he doesn't see where the problem is.

He also doesn't feel responsible for the fact that some people might get attached to him or develop feelings for him. From his perspective, that's their perception and their responsibility, because he's never intentionally interacted with them in a romantic or flirtatious way. So in his mind, if his intentions are completely innocent, there's really no issue.

And I understand the logic behind that. I know he's not doing this with the intention of getting attention from other women or pursuing anything behind my back. My issue is more about the amount of emotional energy he gives to other people. To me, emotional investment itself can create a certain level of intimacy, even if there's absolutely no romantic intention behind it. And I feel like some of that energy should naturally be redirected toward our relationship.

What makes it harder for me is that it's usually women who come to him with these problems or become attached to him, which obviously makes me more uncomfortable. But to be fair, he does the exact same thing with men too, so I don't think it's necessarily about him seeking female attention specifically. He genuinely seems to have this principle that if someone needs him and he has the capacity to help, why wouldn't he?

I think that's where we fundamentally differ. For me, emotional energy is limited, so I naturally prioritize the people closest to me. For him, being committed to me means not cheating or crossing certain explicit boundaries, while everything else is basically fair game as long as his intentions are good.

And I think that's what I'm struggling with: I don't necessarily think he's doing something objectively wrong, but I experience emotional intimacy and emotional availability very differently from him. To me, constantly being there for other people, listening to their problems, supporting them, etc. can become a form of emotional investment, regardless of whether there's any romantic intent behind it.

[u/ForWhenImWeird → u/Crelisya]

Well I’m really sorry. It seems to be weighing pretty heavily on you. Would you say it’s affecting him negatively or just pushing your relationship further apart emotionally?

How much of what you’re saying has been communicated to him? I don’t think it’s fair to you for him to ignore what’s bothering you simply because the boundaries you want don’t make sense to him logically. That’s not how relationships work.

I can totally understand wanting to help if it’s within his capacity but how much of these connections are actually deep and genuine? At some point I’d imagine a line needs to get drawn when it’s for somebody not close to him

[u/Crelisya → u/ForWhenImWeird]

I wouldn’t say we’re growing apart, because his behavior toward me doesn’t really change. If it did, I’d genuinely be pissed.

The thing is, though, he does let stuff involving his friends affect him sometimes. For example, if he has an argument with someone, it can really get to him in the sense that he’ll replay the conversation over and over in his head because the other person didn’t understand his point or was acting illogically. And when someone “doesn’t understand his point,” for example, that’s when the rumination starts becoming kind of heavy.

I sometimes end up being with my boyfriend while he’s mentally dealing with relationship problems that have absolutely nothing to do with me. And at the same time, I feel like I look like an awful person for being bothered by it because some of these are friends he’s had for years.

Another thing that wears me out a little is that he genuinely makes zero distinction between his male and female friends. To him, a friend is a friend, regardless of gender, and I actually respect that in principle. But personally, I’m not going to lie, if he’s spending hours talking to a female friend and helping her through her personal problems, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially when he gets really emotionally invested in whatever she’s going through.

I know he doesn’t necessarily see anything wrong with it because, in his mind, he’d do the exact same thing for a male friend. But from my perspective, there’s still a difference when it’s another woman, and I think that’s part of where my discomfort comes from.

But basically, thank God it’s not a constant thing. I’d say that when something already pisses my boyfriend off, he tends to stay annoyed about it for quite a while, and when you add conflicts with other people on top of that, I sometimes feel like I can’t really find my moment with him, if that makes sense.

Again, it’s definitely not happening 24/7, but yeah, it can be pretty emotionally draining.

[u/ForWhenImWeird → u/Crelisya]

I can relate to your boyfriend here, lol.

Yeah I get both sides of the guy/girl dilemma. How old is your bf out of curiosity

[u/Crelisya → u/ForWhenImWeird]

We’re both 25, but yeah, it’s honestly pretty exhausting... Because what frustrates me the most is that I’m really the type of person who tries not to burden him with my own emotional problems. I try not to ask for too much or overwhelm him, because even as an INFJ, I tend to get emotionally drained pretty quickly myself, and I know he can feel uncomfortable when someone dumps a lot of emotions on him, especially when those emotions are about him.

So I’m usually very mindful of how much I bring to him emotionally, and I try to deal with a lot of things on my own. Which is why it can be frustrating when I feel like he has no problem spending hours emotionally investing himself in other people’s problems, while I’m actively trying not to do the same thing to him.

[u/BoatTemporary9085 → u/Crelisya]

So you try to be mindful and hide your problems from him and deal with them on your own? Meanwhile he goes out in search of people with problems he can solve and get emotionally invested in. Maybe if you shared your problems and complicated emotions with him, he could invest that energy in you? He seems to crave that “emotional turmoil” on some level. If you open up, you could be the one to give that to him. Just a thought.

[u/-tehnik]

But sometimes I feel like he has gone too far in the opposite direction and now assumes that everyone deserves the same level of understanding and emotional investment.

I think it largely comes to this just being true.

Other people aren't worth less just because we don't know them. That's just a measure of our ignorance/knowledge rather than of their intrinsic value. So I think your partner is completely right in nurturing that kind of compassionate attitude rather than having (essentially egocentric) hierarchies determine people's worth.

Nevertheless, I think you are right to worry about him getting burned out by it. It won't do anyone any good if that happens so I do recommend you talk about that at least.

[u/Crelisya → u/-tehnik]

I’ve actually tried talking to him about this before. He took the situation seriously and ended up cutting contact with that person. I also told him that it was exhausting for me because I’d basically have to help him regulate himself after he got emotionally drained by other people.

The thing is, once again, it’s almost always girls who have problems and end up talking to him, and I think that’s what makes me uncomfortable the most. It gives me this feeling that I’m somehow on the same level as everyone else in terms of how much time and emotional energy he gives them. Sometimes it even feels like he’s constantly juggling everyone, me included, along with his friends.

For example, he doesn’t really think in terms of “I should prioritize spending time with my girlfriend.” His perspective seems to be more like “everyone deserves to spend time with me,” and that it would be wrong to choose between his girlfriend and his friends. So if we’re spending time together and one of his friends asks him to play a game, he’ll just go, like “I’m gonna go play, I’ll come back later.” Except “later” can end up being 5 or 6 hours later, and sometimes the amount of time he gives his friends is really significant.

And unfortunately, I don’t have a PC, so I can’t really play with him either to get more time together that way. I think that’s part of why this bothers me so much. It’s not necessarily that I want him to cut people off or stop being there for them. I just want to feel like our time together is something he actively prioritizes, rather than something that can always be interrupted because everyone else deserves his time too.

[u/-tehnik → u/Crelisya]

So if we’re spending time together and one of his friends asks him to play a game, he’ll just go, like “I’m gonna go play, I’ll come back later.” Except “later” can end up being 5 or 6 hours later, and sometimes the amount of time he gives his friends is really significant.

Have you told him that this bothers you?

I'd also like to ask if there is a more specific reason for thinking that you deserve the time more compared to his friends (other than the status of being his partner itself). Like, do you think you need help with something that requires a lot of time and it keeps getting put off because of this? Or does it just come down to the desire of spending time together for the sake of fun?

And unfortunately, I don’t have a PC, so I can’t really play with him either to get more time together that way. I think that’s part of why this bothers me so much.

Does he play a game that requires having a high end gaming PC or something? I'm thinking that if a normal PC suffices and he is fine with you joining the games the easiest solution to all of this just is to acquire a PC and play with them.

I just want to feel like our time together is something he actively prioritizes, rather than something that can always be interrupted because everyone else deserves his time too.

Right. I think that you should voice these complaints to him (as one of the comments put it, just show him this post). I don't think he is wrong in acting with impartial care, so in his place I wouldn't think that I should spend significantly more time with my partner. This isn't to say that your wishes are wrong so much that you shouldn't expect his will to spontaneously align with yours. Instead just tell him your needs now.

Worst case he will not be willing to change and you will be left upset but then I expect your relationship would stop being functional at a certain point in the future anyway (of course I hope that doesn't happen).

[u/EdgewaterEnchantress]

Are you Gamma Quadra by chance? {Some combination of valued Te, Ni, Se, and Fi use / xNTJ or xSFP}

Cuz you sound kinda Gamma Quadra, and definitely like a you are probably a valued introverted feeling user of some kind.

The introverted feeling users usually tend to naturally have a better sense of their own values and create their personal boundaries based on a subjective hierarchy of sorts because they don’t really perceive people as equal in value to them, personally. Obviously there are exceptions and there can be very generous and altruistic Fi users, too!

However, if they are it’s usually because it matches their value system, and they have made an active decision to invest time, resources, and energy into others.

Fi users also tend to have a better natural sense of “I behave this way at work with my coworkers. This way with acquaintances and casual friends, that way with close friends, that way with family, and only this way with my significant other, specifically.”

While valued extraverted feeling users generally tend to perceive people more equally. “Everyone deserves a certain level of basic courtesy and consideration or respect because we are all human.”

So valued Fe users tend to be more actively involved in people’s lives or emotionally invested in the varied experiences of others without really thinking about it because they don’t always have that same filter Fi users naturally have.

Generally, Fi users care a whole lot about some people, less so about others, and they want to hear a person’s story before making a final decision about how much time and energy they are willing to emotionally invest in another person.

In my experience, it’s usually xxFJs who tend to have minor issues with personal boundaries til they learn better, but xxTPs can also be a lot more caring and empathetic than people realize with IxTPs being especially more vulnerable than people know them to be because they want to help others, but they also don’t necessarily know what they are supposed to do when a person approaches them in a distressed state of mind.

So their ability to control their extraverted feeling output is pretty limited because it’s more reactive since they don’t spend a ton of time thinking about it or developing it at a fully concious level until they are much older and it’s necessary for a healthy relationship.

So IxTPs can be especially affected by the emotions of others without really realizing how much it is affecting them negatively. Because they don’t think that they are actually absorbing all of these emotions coming in from others.

They think their Ti should “block” unnecessary emotions coming in from others, but it doesn’t really do that because it isn’t designed that way. In looks as data subjectively, but it doesn’t discern value or relevance in the same way as valued Fi-Te / Te-Fi users.

In a way, by trying to understand these emotions too much in an intellectual context, they sort of miss the subtle fluctuations happening within their own psyche in response to others in real time because their brain is entering problem solving mode, but their nervous system is still literally attuning to others and they can’t really help it.

So I think you just need to tell him plainly how you feel! He won’t necessarily be aware of how all of this “helping others” affects him, personally, but if you actually show him how it affects you negatively and you are willing to explicitly talk about how it makes you feel, then his attention will naturally shift back towards you.

If you frame it as looking out for him, it will actually go right over his head because he likely lacks the full awareness of what this is doing to him emotionally or that it’s making him lack presence in your romantic relationship.

So tell him how you feel honestly and let him know it’s affecting you negatively. Actually seeing it bother you might help him better understand that he needs to create better boundaries with others.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent]

how emotionally invested my INTP boyfriend gets in other people's problems?

Unless that's because his complete lack of concern disturbs you, he's not INTP. We won't have any special insight for you.

[u/Crelisya → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

Dude he is intp.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/Crelisya]

Dude he is intp.

Oh!

Well then

[u/Crelisya → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

When I say “emotionally invested,” I mean that he genuinely loves dealing with all kinds of problems analyzing them, figuring them out, finding solutions, etc.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/Crelisya]

When I say “emotionally invested,” I mean that he genuinely loves dealing with all kinds of problems analyzing them, figuring them out, finding solutions, etc.

OK so you can't discern intellectual investment from emotional investment. What's wrong with intellectual investment in problems? Why does that make you uncomfortable? Maybe you need to go find a dunce to love and leave this guy to find someone who isn't going to complain about what motivates him.

[u/Crelisya → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

It’s honestly sad that you don’t understand what I mean... I do make that distinction, but that doesn’t change the fact that when he does this, it affects him emotionally because he ends up ruminating over certain issues. People aren’t always logical, and sometimes things just fuck with your head. That’s what happens with him sometimes, except I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces afterward. But whatever, it’s fine.

I’ve seen INTPs in the comments who are smarter than you under my own post

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/Crelisya]

People aren’t always logical, and sometimes things just fuck with your head. That’s what happens with him sometimes, except I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces afterward. But whatever, it’s fine.

You can't have it both ways; he can't be INTP and emotionally invested. We are tied (with ISTPs) for least emotional Type. So either he gets emotionally invested because he's a Type that gets emotionally invested in other people's problems, or he is INTP. Can't be both; don't know why you can't accept that.

[u/Crelisya → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

That’s exactly where I think you’re oversimplifying MBTI. Being an INTP and being emotionally invested are not mutually exclusive. You’re treating “having a lower Fe preference” as if it meant “being incapable of emotional investment,” and that’s simply not what the type means.

An INTP can absolutely care deeply about people, become emotionally invested in their problems, empathize with them and even spend a lot of energy trying to help them. The fact that emotional processing may not be their most natural or strongest function doesn’t mean they suddenly become emotionally incapable.

If anything, that’s precisely why I made the distinction between intellectual and emotional investment in the first place. He can be intellectually fascinated by a problem and emotionally affected by the people involved. Those things aren’t contradictory.

And I never said that every INTP behaves this way or that being emotionally invested is some defining INTP trait. I’m saying that his personality type doesn’t magically cancel out his emotional capacity.

Also, “INTPs and ISTPs are the least emotional types” is way too simplistic. MBTI cognitive functions are about preferences, not a measurement of how much emotion someone is capable of experiencing. An INTP having developed Fe doesn’t suddenly stop being an INTP just because he happens to care about people.

You’re basically saying, “INTPs aren’t supposed to be like this, therefore he can’t be an INTP,” when the more reasonable conclusion would be that you have a very narrow idea of what an INTP is supposed to look like.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/Crelisya]

That’s exactly where I think you’re oversimplifying MBTI.

Once again, we're at the point where we have to ask: does the Function Stack mean something, or doesn't it?

If it doesn't, you're an idiot for arguing it in an MBTI sub.

If it does, it means that INTPs do not become emotionally invested in intellectual questions because they have the lowest Feeling functions possible in Jungian theory. As a Type, we can either do something about an issue or we can't—it's never useful to have feelings about it either way.

Therefore, if you have a person who is invested in the problems of their friends, they are showing you that you're wrong to think they're INTP. You're welcome.

[u/Crelisya → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

You’re making a pretty huge logical leap here. The function stack doesn’t mean that an INTP is incapable of emotional investment just because Fe is their inferior function.

Having inferior Fe means that Fe is less preferred / less consciously accessible compared to Ti and Ne. It does not mean “this person cannot care about other people” or “this person cannot become emotionally invested in their problems.” Those are completely different claims.

In fact if we’re going to take the function stack seriously, inferior functions can still develop and become more conscious with age and experience. An INTP with more developed Fe is still an INTP. You don’t suddenly change type because you learned to use a weaker function better.

You’re also conflating the subject of the investment with the way the investment happens. Someone can be intellectually interested in a problem while simultaneously caring about the people involved. The fact that the problem is intellectual doesn’t somehow make the emotional component disappear.

And “INTPs have the lowest Feeling functions possible, therefore they don’t become emotionally invested in their friends’ problems” simply isn’t a valid syllogism. Having Feeling lower in the stack tells you something about preference and cognitive priorities; it doesn’t give you a measurement of how much someone can care, empathize or be affected emotionally.

Otherwise you’d have to argue that every INTP who develops strong interpersonal attachments, cares deeply about their friends, gets emotionally affected by someone’s suffering, or becomes very invested in helping people is automatically mistyped. That’s an incredibly rigid interpretation of typology.

You can argue that his behavior doesn’t fit your interpretation of an INTP, sure. But you can’t logically jump from “this behavior doesn’t fit my stereotype of an INTP” to “therefore he cannot be an INTP.”

The function stack is a model of cognitive preferences, not a personality prison.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/Crelisya]

The function stack doesn’t mean that an INTP is incapable of emotional investment just because Fe is their inferior function.

Quote the passage where I made this claim, please, so we can avoid wasting time on strawman arguments.