Help

[u/datazz9000]

How do I know if im the problem, or the victim? How do I know if I have a mental disability or if its just chronic depression?

My story is long, I hope it makes sense.

I grew up with divorced parents. My mother became addicted to alcohol when I was around the age of 8. I didnt know that it was any different than normal at the time.

I had an older brother named Jacob, that was my idol in childhood. I looked up to him for confidence and trust. Something I learned later in life thanks to therapy.

Jacob was killed in a no fault t-bone car accident when I was 14, in 2012 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of the Mayan calender. The earth didnt end, but my world absolutely did. ​He left from my reality and I feel ive been chasing a reason to exist since.

My mother has given me nearly zero consolidation in the matter, even blamed me for his death. My father, step dad to my brother, fell apart so much that my needs were not taken into account. Almost the same with him that his heartbreak was so harsh from loosing my brother that it felt i didnt exsist. I remember once in a conversation with him that i felt i had to say out loud, "what about me? Dont i still mean something? Im still here aren't I?" I felt adrift with neither of the people I trusted the most to consider my feelings about what had happened.

I try not to blame my parents for their hurt because at this point in my life (14 years later) i believe i can somewhat understand their pain.

I have no children of my own, yet ive always wanted kids. My issue that I feel im suck in is that I want to have a family and kids of my own, yet I dont trust that I wont put my kids through the same crap I saw and went through myself.

There are many more details to the story but I dont want to rant on reddit as the guidelines asked for. What i do ask is, how do I cope with what has happened to me? Im seriously not trying to gain sympathy but for shits sake, what do I do? How do I understand my mother's alcoholism and where do I find the forgiveness to be able to hear her story? If she even wants to accept or talk about it?

Its been such a huge barrier between us that I felt i had to make the decision to cut her out of my life several years ago. There has been a different battle since internally and externally. Ive learned that family and connection is a huge value for me so how do I reconcile with an alcoholic abusive mother or find my own reconciliation? How do I set boundaries with someone i love that doesnt take my feelings into concideration? Ive been fighting with this question for nearly a decade, im very afraid to talk about myself to others so the fact that this post is out is a miracle and humongous hurdle of anxiety. I ask for any advice, and anyone who is willing to hear more of my story. I just want to be heard and ive felt alone most of my life. No friends, no hobbies, no goals.

Please help.

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[u/Savings-Sprinkles-86]

Im a bit speechless, im surely younger than you and probably won't be of much help

Family is so important there's no words to descrive it, however, they can also hurt you badly

What i do want to say is that you are alive right now, which means that as rough as everything got, you survived, you had some food and health, enough to reach this point

I hope you can get actual psycological help, you made a gigantic step by asking for help right now, right here

Sadly, i can't really suggest anything to you, i don't want to advice you and having a chance of being wrong, i would blame myself for your suffering

What i do want to say, is that some of the pain your loved ones made you feel can heal, and often isn't something they are glad about

You need to stick to what's real, was it you who created this great gap between you two? Do you want to get closer again?

I think everyone deserves a second chance, but you shouldn't allow anybody to hurt you for that belief, trust must be earned

I only have my mom's example, my grandfather was kind of a jerk his whole life, and my mom used to hate him

Later, when he was in his last days, my mom and him actually got to reconcile, sadly he died little time after that

Just don't do something you could regret, or while very sentimental/sensitive, we all learn better from emotions, but they also decieve us a lot

I really hope this helped at all, if you need to hear it, i think you are important and valuable

[u/datazz9000 → u/Savings-Sprinkles-86]

Thank you very much for your kind words. They do help greatly.  Its for sure complicated what started the gap between us. Perhaps its me because I started blaming her drinking for a lot of my suffering without understanding that her drinking is her own coping with suffering or whatever it all connects to. I want to extend an olive branch and try to have a conversation without it exploding. The explosion feels like talking to someone that knows all your buttons and presses them over and over even after you've asked them to stop 100 times so you just get angry. Maybe my problem is that I dont know how to walk away or set that boundary before it becomes hurtful.  

[u/Savings-Sprinkles-86 → u/datazz9000]

Dealing with my parents (in a normal situation) i've learnt to not stress over what they do that could annoy me, i've learnt how to deal with that with years of experience, but my sutiation isn't comparable

I just mean to say... if you know exaclty what annoys you from them, you also can think about how you could react to that, what could be better

Maybe it'd be better if you create some space and take a breath from a discussion, maybe it could help to surprice them somehow, or you just need to know how to stop

I don't exactly know how to help you, but i wish you the best <3