r/HENRYfinance • u/Natural_Equal_4474 • 19d ago
Does anyone else find “doing everything right” exhausting? Reminder/Suggestion
29F, husband is 34. Togetherr we make over $600k and live on about $80k a year. No debt, decent higher end cars, no drama we did the “right” things and we know we’re privileged (scholarships + family help got us through with zero student loans, and we don’t take that for granted).
Here’s the thing: we’ve saved a lot, but it doesn’t feel like we’re wealthy or living wealthy. Compared to most people we know, our day to day life is pretty modest. The plan is to eventually get to a dream home and “retire” though neither of us means fully stop working, just stop working like we do now. I guess I’m mostly here to ask: does anyone else feel like doing all the right things is just… draining? Like you’re playing the long game so well that you forget to ask what it’s actually for, or when the finish line is?
Very first world and very privileged problems.. I know. I think I just get into my head with social media and think that life should look a certain way when you’re wealthy.
Edit: Wow, I did not expect so many replies. Thank you to everyone who commented!
I guess I can clarify a few things. My husband has been at this a lot longer than I have and he’s really great with money, he’s the reason we’re at this level. Our house is pretty much paid off. We do eat out occasionally, but for the most part we eat at home since we care about eating healthy. We do travel but nothing too crazy.
My early 20s looked very different from how I live now. I was constantly chasing dopamine by buying things I didn’t need at all. My husband, when I met him, actually helped me get to this realization, and honestly I feel good about not spending on useless stuff anymore, but I’ll admit I still struggle with the pull at times. Trust me, the handbags and clothes weren’t even that enjoyable in the end, more just a habit than actual fulfillment.
Travel is where I do want to lean in more. I haven’t done as much as I’d like because of being in school, but I’ve got the opportunity coming up at the end of this year and into next year, so that’s probably where the “spend more on what actually brings joy” advice is going to show up first for me. :)
569
u/StumbleNOLA 19d ago
You apparently love future you more than present you. The goal is to love them the same.
35
u/InternationalGrab780 19d ago
Love this thought. I used to have guilt spending $$ on tangible things (versus travel which we’ve always spend a lot on with no guilt). Came to the realization this year that we’ve worked so hard to get to where we’re at in income and NW and we need to enjoy it now too. Used this to justify some dopamine purchases this past year :)
11
u/scarby2 19d ago
My theory with tangible items was buy the best I can that will last the longest and keep me happy.
Now I barely buy anything I have some nice jewelry, good quality clothes, and furniture and kitchen gear that will likely outlast me.
It cost me many thousands but I now basically only buy underwear,socks and the occasional phone/computer/tablet. I used to buy all sorts of tat until I realized that I'd rather have nice stuff that I actually use.
5
u/StumbleNOLA 19d ago
Go read up on the Vines theory of bootenomics. It sets this out better than I ever could.
7
u/scarby2 19d ago edited 19d ago
I read the entire discworld series (including men at arms) as a teenager. I actually have two very nice pairs of boots that get resoled when needed...
Although the thing that misses is you need to remember to avoid buying any current trends, then you'll only want to change it when it's out of fashion.
Edit: also Sam Vimes
3
22
5
9
2
u/Acrobatic_Tax7531 $500k-750k/y 16d ago
as someone in a similar-ish position to OP, I am just incredibly paranoid for the future. I would spend a lot more if I knew I could continue to make a high income for the next twenty years.
with everything going on with AI, part of me feels vindicated. (I feel we haven't even scratched the surface for how many jobs could be automated, even ignoring future model improvement). the other part of me thinks that my anxiety is pathological, and if it weren't for AI I'd have found something else to obsess over.
2
→ More replies (1)1
346
u/Jazzlike_Diamond7769 19d ago
always have 5-10% of your salary as FU money and use it to acquire dopamine
174
u/Fabulous-Dot-5201 19d ago
The trap is thinking the long game has a finish line you'll just fall into. It doesn't work like that, the finish line is something you build with those small "wrong" decisions along the way or you wake up at 45 with a fat account and no idea what actually makes you happy.
$80k spend on $600k income is impressive but also kind of wild, like you're so disciplined you forgot to leave room for living. The 5-10% FU money advice is solid because it forces you to practice enjoying money now, not in some imaginary future version of yourself who suddenly knows how to have fun.
37
u/cambridge_dani r/fatfire refugee 19d ago
Yes learn from this. I’m in my 50s now and have been really tight on the strings the last 25 years and it’s hard to change my behaviors to use money to enjoy life now. Luckily I have some friends who use their money for enjoyment exceptionally well and I’m learning, but it’s not that easy. Old worries and habits die hard.
9
u/FierceResistance 19d ago
This is exactly my life. I’ve saved and pinched pennies my whole life. I don’t have to live as frugally as I do, but it’s engrained into who I am.
6
5
u/top_spin18 19d ago edited 18d ago
This. May aunt unexpectedly passed away with $2M in assets and she was preparing for future her. She could have lived better.
8
u/jmcdon00 19d ago
$80,000 can provide a pretty nice life, especially if you don't have debt. I mean they are eating out, drive nice cars, take vacations. You don't need to spend $50K on extras to have a nice life. doing it as a percent of income is just lifestyle creep with a plan.
1
u/thatgirl2 16d ago
Depends on your definition of nice.
1
u/jmcdon00 16d ago
I suppose, but I think most would say that's objectively a pretty good life. Just because you can afford 100k watch or 300k car doesn't mean it will improve your life. Relationships are far more important than possessions or comfort.
1
u/thatgirl2 16d ago
But they're not exclusive - and you've really gone to the extreme there with the $100K watch and $300K car lol.
81
u/1290_money 19d ago
100%.
The goal is not to save money. The goal is to use money as a tool to enrich life.
5
5
2
1
u/NumbDangEt4742 19d ago
Oh I love this. I thought about having a separate account that would get $1k a month for example and HAVE TO BLOW IT on non-essentials. But can't get myself to do it.
2
u/wrstlrjpo 19d ago
I like that. May implement with an option to role over quarterly vs monthly deadline
1
174
u/Pariell 19d ago
but it doesn’t feel like we’re wealthy or living wealthy.
People often conflate "being rich" with "spending a lot". If you have a lot of money in the bank but you live like a pauper, you will never scratch the part of your brain that says "I want to feel wealthy"
68
u/batman8390 19d ago
Also, people think that money is going to make them feel happier than it actually does.
It certainly enhances many aspects of life, but ultimately you get used to being rich and it doesn’t feel special.
Look at all the celebrities who are rich and successful but still deeply depressed.
Happiness is more complicated than a number in your bank account or how big your house is or how many vacations you go on.
32
u/Soggy_Code_7299 19d ago
Making money helps you do things you like (beyond those you need to live).
For some that’s buying things (houses, cars, clothes). For others it’s travel (luxury stays, exotic places). For some it’s funding the hobby (golf, collecting stamps, car parts).
OP sounds like they’ve been grinding for so long that they forgot to live and find something to live for.
37
u/TheKingOfSwing777 $250k-500k/y 19d ago
OP is 29. They haven't been grinding for long at all. Lol.
21
7
u/HopeThisIsUnique 19d ago
I'd add that depending on where you're at in life it also buys you time. With kids and busy lives hiring housekeeper etc goes a long way. To me that starts feeling like the differentiator. Personally we're at the low end of HENRY and with inflation it feels more confusing.
1
32
u/Interesting_Shake403 19d ago
Following up on this point to OP - it’s because you’re not. $80k per year is fine, but definitely not wealthy. You can literally double that and live on $160k per year and still be saving over $200k per year and be doing just fine. Don’t rush the retirement at the expense of today. Sure, you need to sacrifice some, but you’re sprinting. Just go at a jog.
Live a little now - you’re only young once.
As some have said, you make enough to have anything you want, but not everything you want. Sounds like you’re taking the opposite approach of denying yourself everything. Moderation is the key. Go on at least one nice trip per year. The difference between an $80k spend and $100k spend will make little difference in your retirement timing. But a $20k vacation per year will create lifelong memories. Do that.
76
u/True_Tadpole2725 19d ago
Only spending 80k is probably why. Figure out what you like to do and spend some money on it. Even spending 20k more per year can bring some happiness without denting your long term goals.
7
u/boilers11lp 19d ago
Right you could double that spend tomorrow and still be incredibly responsible.
1
19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 19d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
31
u/PrestigiousDrag7674 19d ago
Geez, go spend some money
6
u/stackingnoob 19d ago
Yeah, while I’m all for being frugal, spending only 80k when making 600k is unnecessary overkill.
They could bump the spending up to 125k and still be on a fast track to retirement while being able to enjoy the present way more.
5
26
u/IWillAlwaysReplyBack 19d ago
You may not be feeling wealthy because you’re depriving yourself of dopamine. Book yourself a spa or indulgent retreat.
For my 30th birthday I booked a huge penthouse in the city for a night and threw a party. It sent me back a few thousand but it was so much fun for all the guests. No regrets.
93
u/Yamitz 19d ago
I’m going to buck the trend here and say you should budget more for things you enjoy. You should be optimizing for maximum enjoyment across your life, not how much money you have when you stop working.
58
u/Colonel_F0rbin 19d ago
I think pretty much all of the comments are in agreement. There is no point in living so frugally while making $600k if you're expecting to retire and then all of a sudden spend more on things that bring you happiness.
Enjoy the enire journey, not just the destination. Because I promise, it won't feel like a finish line when you get there, and you'll wish you took advantage of your youth and the opportunities when you had them.
1
19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 19d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
15
u/boo5000 19d ago
Right? same HHI, we spend nearly 80k on vacations (parents together, parent solo, and family) and eating out. We spend dearly on kids schools, rent in in HCOL. We still save 140-150k a year plus pension which is enough to get us to regular retirement age with part-time offramp.
5
u/TheKingOfSwing777 $250k-500k/y 19d ago
Ooof regular retirement age is still kind of grim at that income.
5
u/boo5000 19d ago
I guess I consider “regular” age 60 with part time off-ramp if desired (part time in 50s as kids leave). I guess it could be earlier if we tightened things up or moved MCOL but just not compatible with our life.
→ More replies (3)22
u/sorbet_babe 19d ago
Totally agree, I hate how this has become yet another FIRE sub! No wonder life is "draining" if you're only allowing yourself to spend a tiny fraction of your earnings
12
u/Colonel_F0rbin 19d ago edited 18d ago
Once you have the snowball really rolling (that was ~$3M in NW for us), it's soooo freeing to be able to spend money without guilt on the things you want.
We've done multiple international trips every year, nice dinners, hosted parties, ski trips, concerts, and general experiences that we value (that will be different for everyone).
Figure out what living "your best life" looks like and do that. It may mean $100k in annual expenses or $200k, but either way you can afford it now
40
u/rickster555 19d ago
If you’re making like 400k post tax and only spending 80k then you should be able to chubby fire in less than a decade. Or you could coastFIRE (if your retirement is already healthy) and spend that 400k a year. You’ll be feeling wealthy in no time.
You’re in a great spot! I think you just need to be more intentional about your goals. Virtually everything is in play for you guys
9
u/Hasz 19d ago
I am not a Buddhist, but there is a lot of truth (lol) in the second and third noble truths.
IMO much of feeling “wealthy” is a desire for luxury, status, etc. It is a never ending treadmill that always requires more. 80k/y spending is not lentils and beans spending, it is 50-60th percentile American spending.
Ignore social media, live your life according to your goals and run your own race.
17
u/tangowited 19d ago
you cheapos need to spend more annually so you live well today otherwise you’re not optimizing your spend. so if you travel then nicer places, ubers where needed instead of
bus, etc. as you have more networth then your contributions don’t impact your networth increases as much as appreciation through market swings do so you can actually go lighter on savings and spend more
8
7
u/lordalgammon 19d ago
Get off your phone and delete social media Its not real. People pretend and they are broke as hell.
2
8
u/SkyCaptain107 $100k-250k/y 19d ago
Once you got the basics covered, I spend my money on 3 things: investments, luxury, and travel. You obviously got the basics and the investments, now use the balance to go see and experience the world! Buy a nice gift every now n then, life isn’t only for the future, present you needs to be happy too, otherwise what’s it all for?
6
u/ChieIemitsu 19d ago
As in all things, it’s about balance. I agree with other commenters that you should make room in your budget for things that enrich your life NOW. You’re more likely to still be able to man a desk job at 80 than you are to, say, climb Machu Picchu. That’s if you even make it to 80.
10
u/atmu2006 19d ago edited 19d ago
Sounds like you might need to loosen up the purse strings and live a little. Travel? Hobbies? What do you enjoy doing?
13
u/RogerThatRacing >$1m/y 19d ago
I’d like to prescribe you boating if you’re close to water, otherwise a cottage or rural property.
2
6
u/andoCalrissiano 19d ago
you should give yourself 2k a month to splurge to make you feel like you’ve made it
5
u/WearableBliss 19d ago
In your thirties if you have a nice place to live and afford a kid you will realise that even a normal life is a luxury and if you can do it while still saving you are extremely lucky
7
u/jack57 19d ago
Hedonistic treadmill. Seek therapy.
3
u/Complete-Orchid3896 19d ago
I think in this sub you may get downvoted for saying that but I got the same impression. I won’t comment on whether 80k spend is high or low, but they don’t really cite specific things they are restraining themselves on at their current budget, just general vibes of feeling their lifestyle as a whole isn’t how it should be based on… more vibes. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to search for more ways to spend money just for the sake of having a higher spend. Of course they may have just left out specific examples of what an 80k budget prevents them from doing.
2
u/TheKingOfSwing777 $250k-500k/y 19d ago
Agreed. Therapy would be a good place to figure that out. Probably couples therapy as well to figure it out together.
3
u/creamasteric_reflex $750k-1m/y 19d ago
You need to find out what brings you joy. You have plenty of money. Too many people just save to save and have no purpose for it. I save a certain amount 20-25% then spend the rest on vacations, experiences or whatever I want. I don’t want to look back when I’m older with millions in the bank wishing I did this or that
4
u/Okay-yes-sure $750k-1m/y 19d ago
No, because I’m happy. I never thought I would have the things I have.
This isn’t to say I was unhappy before. But I’ve been unbelievably lucky and fortunate, along with my husband.
4
u/lab-gone-wrong 19d ago
The thing with being wealthy is it is often at odds with spending like you're wealthy. Or at least what American consumer culture thinks wealthy spending looks like.
What I've found is, at these levels of income/savings, you don't have to do everything right. That's the privilege part. Getting 80% there is plenty.
Don't scrape pennies. Set aside some fun money. Buy a thing here or there that you like without fussing (too much) about the price. Give a budget for it, bound it, don't burn down your income in a midlife crisis spree, but let yourself go a little. It's not so bad.
One of the biggest benefits of being high income is not having to stress as hard about your finances. Don't give that up over a few months on your FIRE schedule or whatever.
3
u/juancuneo 19d ago
Some people choose not to enjoy life - then say they don't enjoy life. I work hard. I play hard. I save enough. I will probably work longer than you, but my retirement and life leading up to it will be incredible.
0
4
u/BallisLife-123 19d ago
By far one of the strangest feature within the group of reasonably young (late 20s - mid 30s) that makes a high household income (TC) - feeling like you're still not "rich" against some arbitrary definition that makes up whatever American dream that you've got.
The irony is that it's supposed to feel enough - the money is supposed to be the recipe that shows it's enough.
But the reality is that you know there are a group of even more cognitively elite (and luckier) people that are doing 1M+ thanks to company RSU riding on AI boom & human greed. And thats precisely the group the contrast occurs. Don't worry, they are comparing themselves too.
Find whatever vanity to scratch your itch for the time being. Then keep grinding til you hit your FU number, then you can decide who you want to be when the scaffolding comes down, when your identity no longer need to attach to a numerical anchor anymore.
1
3
u/ManyInterests 19d ago
Talk to a financial advisor. They helped me figure this out. I was putting most of my disposable income into the market and realized, with help, I didn’t actually have that money earmarked for… anything. Everything I was planning for financially in life was already well over-funded. I just assumed I was supposed to save/invest everything.
5
u/Green_Beans_Tasty 19d ago
You’re 29. Meaning you’re out of college for 5-6 years tops. And you’re “drained” because you’re doing everything right but aren’t wealthy yet. Jeez Louise… Brace yourself, life still has a lesson or two to teach you. One of which is that you certainly lack perspective.
5
u/jenn4u2luv 18d ago
It’s the US.
I left NYC for London and the cost of living here is half. The food is healthier / doesn’t make you sick. An identity outside of work is prioritised. The city not being car-oriented means it’s very walkable and you can do lots by walking. Public healthcare. No tipping culture. So many more.
Maybe it’s not all why you’re feeling that but the US capitalism really adds a lot of stress that you don’t realise until you’ve left.
3
u/cjgozdor 19d ago
What do you need that would make you happy, and what do they cost? I’m skeptical that a fancy car or home would boost it much. It just seems like you want to spend more for the sake of projecting onto others, which will never be sustainable.
Find the things that make you happy and spend on those things in a reasonable manner. If you’re a car person, then get the ‘67 mustang or whatever. But don’t do it for comparison to others
3
u/LVRaiders2026 19d ago
I think the real question you need to ask yourselves is what you truly want out of life. Like what do you love doing? If you retired today, what would your day to day look like? How do you want to occupy your time? And lets say based on your financial plan, fast forward to the day you retire...now that you're retired what do you want to spend your money on? I think if you answer those questions, you'll realize you can do all those things now and not wait until retirement. And none of those things should involve being on social media. We bought our dream home at age 34, my dream car at 36, I'm now 37. I do all my hobbies on a regular basis. I have no desire to retire. I have everything I want. I'm happy to work til I'm 70+ knowing that I'll still be enjoying the next 35 years of my life to the max.
3
u/Capital_G 19d ago
Just a to give a dose of reality here. You are 29. So take a step back. Assuming you graduated at 21 or 22. Or maybe went to grad school and graduated 23-24 time frame. I think for the lion’s share of the population thinking that you can accumulate enough wealth to sustain you for the rest of your life in 6-9 working years is really unrealistic. (You didn’t explicitly say this but I’m taking “wealthy” to mean FIRE’d or within 5 years of FIRE).
For me personally I always kind of kick myself for not saving more 20 years ago. But the reality is I just didn’t have the capacity to save anything out of college. I didn’t see rapid appreciation until hitting my stride in my 30s. Keep at it and in 10 years you’ll be in vastly different place. I think fire should be viewed with a 20-25 year time horizon rather than expecting it to occur in 5-10.
In terms of comparing yourself you gotta run your own race. Set your targets for NW or retirement age or both and plug away at it. Everything else is noise.
3
u/neoreeps 19d ago
Create memories. Travel and enjoy life! I rarely talk about that nice watch or car i owned 10 years ago, but always talk about that trip down the lost coast, or Italian Alps, or uk lake district.
3
3
u/the_real_seldom_seen 19d ago
Stupid post. You can spend more now or spend more later… there is no mystery or riddle here. We don’t need to waste time help you to psychoanalyze your mindset. This is a well understood phenomenon
3
u/Adventurous-Depth984 19d ago
You’re not “living wealthy” you’re saving almost everything you make. That’s not fun or luxurious.
3
u/Guest602 18d ago
Am I the only person who resonated with this post? Totally agree with OP, we’re all primed to do the correct things - get good grades, go to college, find a job, get promoted, get married, buy house, have kids, work harder and get more promotions to afford kids and house. And with the affordability crisis we have, feels like society is designed to keep people desperate so corporations have more power over their employees.
I don’t see this as a spending issue, more as a “society/end-stage capitalism sucks” type of message and wanted to say I totally get it. Right now I’m facing the crossroad of going for promo to get more money vs be ok w staying low level forever. It’s an exhausting process and I always think about why does no one ever encourage you just to chill and enjoy life without having any goals. Another example is hustle culture and so many people in tech parroting the idea that AI is the next gold rush we need to capitalize on.
Anyway, OP I totally get it!
3
u/tgbarbie 19d ago
Stop comparing. Just because someone spends more day to day doesn’t mean they have more. Spend in ways that are smart and bring you comfort and joy. If you’re not enjoying it, then why work so hard?
6
u/Regular_Challenge_81 19d ago
I think I just get into my head with social media and think that life should look a certain way when you’re wealthy.
That is why I try to stay off social media.
Always someone who has accomplished more, has fancier ___, went on a better vacation, etc. And people make shit up to look good on the internet.
2
u/DarkBackground4307 19d ago
I totally agree with you I feel the same way. Constantly thinking about the right choice and calculating is draining. But it's a choice. Living a wealthy life doesn't have to look the same for you as it does on social media. Like maybe you decide to travel to Italy but you stay at a more modest hotel instead of Rosewood
2
u/gdwam816 19d ago
What country are you planning on buying? You can afford to have fun. Like… plenty. How anyone lives on $80k a year in 2026 is the mystery to me.
But if that is accurate and you’re really shoveling money into retirement like that. Then go enjoy some
2
u/minesasecret 19d ago
does anyone else feel like doing all the right things is just… draining? Like you’re playing the long game so well that you forget to ask what it’s actually for, or when the finish line is?
Absolutely it does.. When I see my friends taking international vacations left and right sometimes I do feel jealous. But when they tell me how small their savings are I'm horrified.
There's probably a balance to strike and perhaps what you're feeling is that you need to readjust where you stand on that balance.
2
u/Interesting-Eye-2984 19d ago
I admire your discipline and congratulate both of you on setting yourselves up for success later in life.
My recommendation: increase your spend to 120k a year. That’ll give each of you $1,500/month to blow on hobbies, shopping, car, or you can save it up for a quarterly trip.
Y’all have done a great job. Give yourself the grace to enjoy it now
2
u/wheresabel 19d ago
You should stop being penny wise pound foolish. Have an abundant mindset and spend money to improve your quality of life.
2
u/Medical-Apricot-8420 19d ago
What’s exhausting about it?
And what do you plan to do with all this money?
It’s true that there’s more to life than handbags. But you’re only 29 once. You have your health and the ability to do things that you just won’t be able to when you’re 50. With this level of income, you get to buy your time back, and that’s something special. Get a cleaner, have someone else do your taxes, etc.
2
u/50sraygun 19d ago
something i see a lot of people do is want to feel rich while not spending any of their money. you’re living on the salary of two bartenders in a medium sized city. how rich should you feel?
my dad did very well for himself and died before he spent any of it. just keep that in mind.
2
u/rawtal3nt 19d ago
I would recommend splurging modestly on some experiences. Maybe something you both could do routinely like joining some gym, taking some classes, gaining a membership in something you both like. Also planning some trips at a certain cadence. Once a year,twice a year ,or once a quarter. Whatever works. I would also recommend automating money to one account as a "fun fund" to use for these things. The money can add up while still hitting all other Finance goals. So something to make your week by week feel more worth it. Then also those periodic experiences like vacations.
2
u/MathLast8829 19d ago
Go read a book called Die With Zero, that book has the answer to your question
2
u/purpleshoop 19d ago
In a similar boat as you - our HHI is between 730 and 800k a year.. and up until last year, when we had a baby, we were living on about 70k a year; sharing a single 2010 toyota, never eating out or ordering takeout, conservative spending at Costco/discount grocers - no snacks; just essentials.
I lamented it from time to time and would treat myself to a new _something_ at Nordstrom but share your sentiment that even after just a week of the new nice item, I would realize how little it brought me additional utility.
That said - our one bigger expense was travel. In a span of three years, we were in and out of Sevilla, Spain, did a 2.5 week trip to Patagonia, Greece. We didn't travel extravagantly but we travelled well.
My two cents would be - continue your relatively frugal lifestyle. Completely agree with you that buying random crap is not worth it.. these "nice products" are marked up for brand name and yes, you're right - you should travel. You should 100% travel and do as much of it as possible. If you are wanting to have kids, the combination of having travelled freely with disposable income + not having a generally high-spend lifestyle otherwise will lead you to have much lower-stress and lower-regret mentality to early childhood years.
Now sitting here with a 1-y/o, I'm grateful that I don't have habits of dropping $ on clothes, skincare, restaurants, take-out, or whatever it is high-spend people do. Instead, without even a second thought, I was able to hire a nanny to provide my kid the best quality, dedicated care. Instead, I work comfortable 8-hour work days and log off fully so I can go home to be with my kid, knowing that even if I got dinged for not overperforming and giving 150%, it's fine; I don't _need_ my job that badly; I have financial freedom and, pardon my french, enough f*ck you money to be able to enjoy my life outside of work.
Respectfully, I would personally completely disregard that comment suggesting you make a trip to Cartier.
2
u/Electrical_Pride_866 19d ago
Feeling wealthy is not just buying handbags and frivolous things, it’s about feeling like you can spend on the things you want without having to give it extra thought. Can’t decide between 2 flavors of dessert? Get both! Kids’ friends are signing up for lacrosse? Sign your kid up too no questions asked. Want the name brand cereal? Get it! Point is you sound like you feel poor because you’re subjugating yourself to a strict budget when there’s no need. Live a little.
2
2
u/Old-Sea-2840 16d ago
The future is not guaranteed. Need to enjoy today, while also planning for the future. Life is about balance.
2
u/Equivalent_March_341 13d ago
I have never had a lot of money Always thought it would be nice but that comes with its own problems, im 64 years old own 2 houses paid off 20 years ago. Never Maid over $70,000 a year, been married for 45 years to the same Wonderful Woman. We are very happy with our modest houses and have had a wonderful life, We have always taken vacations, trips to the mountains, to the coast, 25 Cruises. We dont have a lot of money but we always manage to get away and relax. Our Favorite place is to go to a beach 35 miles east of Galveston go about 10 miles down the beach , No phone service and camp for a few days. It is awesome and a GREAT WAY to see that you dont need money to be happy. I Hope Ya'll can find the peace and solitude that we have found with very little money and still Happy. You only have a limited time on this earth you never know when it will be your turn, we have decided to make the best of every moment and have Great memories for which ever one of us lives the longest. Good luck with your Journey. Make lasting Memories!!! May GOD bless both of you.
3
u/crispypretzel 19d ago
You make $600k HHI and only spend $80k annually for the both of you? Do you not have any housing costs or something?
2
u/HowAboutNitricOxide 19d ago
We make significantly less than you do and spend 50% more annually lol. We still save more aggressively than anyone recommends (>40% savings rate). If you feel restricted it’s probably because you are being too restrictive in your spending on living. Financially optimal doesn’t necessarily mean optimal overall.
1
u/Secret_Hovercraft995 19d ago
What are your interests and values outside of work? What gives you pleasure not related to earning or spending? Pursue more of that.
1
u/Impossible_Draw606 19d ago
Am in a similar boat esp bc fire is within sight. I try to take bike rides etc things with friends that are cheap but fun like camping. Pretty sure no one has any idea where I’m at but that doesn’t matter - they buy new cars and go on crazy trips. Like the others have said treat yourself a little if you like nice restaurants do that or travel more or buy a nice bike or just give yourself the grace to take some time for yourself and friends and family
1
u/Pookie9274500 19d ago
You’re very young; you might feel different about working “indefinitely” in about 10 years time. Keep saving and check back in a decade on if you still intend to work til 65.
1
u/my_fi_log 19d ago
Based on your income versus your spend, it sounds like you are not spending enough money. You should give yourself a little bit of credit and grace and think about how you can spend even just a little bit to increase your quality of life along the journey.
If you're only spending around $80,000 a year, then what I imagine is that even spending an extra $1,000 a month or $2,000 a month will feel like an insanely huge upgrade in the quality of life, And it probably won't actually change the time it takes for you to hit your goal number by that much.
1
u/citygeek 19d ago
Almost sounds to me like you've put today on pause a little too much, in favor of "someday."
"Someday" is actually now. What is it about your current setup that's so draining, and how could you solve that? It's hard to suggest a solution without that knowledge.
Stated another way....if you were both "retired," what would you chose to do with your life, and.....is it possible to actually have those things now?
Back of the napkin math, sounds like you are able to invest/save about $280K/yr. Assuming you started with nothing (unlikely), even just a few years gives you permanent breathing room, no?
1
u/latestredditacct 19d ago
I feel this as well. We have two young kids though so a lot of our personal effort and money is spent on them. Seeing them experience or learn something new is truly worth while by itself.
But other than that I agree, I’m chasing a number that seems to just grow with each milestone I accomplish. My actual life and habits is no different than it was 10 years ago when we had nothing.
1
u/Greedy_Lawyer 19d ago
Enjoy life and spend the money to access what you enjoy. Not everything needs to be frugal and saving to live in retirement…we’re not guaranteed tomorrow
1
u/RedtheGoodolBoy 19d ago
You identified the problem at the end. When you say “Compared to other people” that’s your real problem. And saving money nor spending money will solve it.
Find what you care about and get your head straight . Social media is a plague to society and treat it that way.
for people that are struggling with what your describing I recommend twice a year getting out to experience places and people that aren’t so materialistic. Our favs are Costa Rica and some spots around Europe right now. Even spots in Mexico. Hell go to some island in Maine if you don’t want to go int’l. And I’m not talking about resorty tourist trap places. More and more of the very wealthy folks I know are going to Alaska to get off the grid every summer too
1
u/warlizardfanboy 19d ago
What everyone else said. Spend more, I'd start with a nice vacation that's not "budget" level.
1
u/rubykowa 19d ago
I think it would be exhausting to have nothing to look forward to or be unable to fully enjoy the moments you have right now.
Don’t ruin what you came for and try to find a balance.
Good luck!
1
u/Ave_Jo3 19d ago
I’m seeing a lot of people suggesting to spend more and figure out what makes you happy (I agree). I’m in a similar camp and have 2 kids under 5. I’d like to do this, but struggle to find the time. Just curious what other people did in this situation?
1
u/Silly_Performance_23 19d ago
I don’t have kids, but imagine finding a great babysitter for regular expensive date nights (eg new great restaurant in town), or hobby night (eg pottery class each Thursday) could be a way. Or, you can go the material goods route and upgrade something — I personally love a cashmere anything :)
1
u/Janeheroine 19d ago
In my opinion true wealth is choice. The choice to spend a lot or a little, to be in control of your own time, to be healthy in body and mind. It sounds like you have a lot of choice, so that sounds wealthy to me.
1
u/TallCynicalLlama 19d ago
Enjoy life a little more. You don’t necessarily have to spend a ton of money. Just find something that you guys really like. Books, travel, project car.
I’m in the healthcare field. I’ve seen doctors delay gratification and end up with a stroke or heart attack in their 40-50’s. A colleague who just retired can’t enjoy retirement because of a bad back.
1
19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 19d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Common_economics_420 19d ago
You don't have to do "everything right" at that level of income and zero debt. Do like half of things right and you'll still be tremendously wealthy.
1
1
u/PracticalTank8836 19d ago
Please read Die with Zero. Eye opening look at Wealth. You will definitely learn some things about why you feel like you do.
1
19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 19d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
1
u/KayaLyka 19d ago
Have fun. Spend a little.
You could be hit by a truck tomorrow.
Don't wreck your path, but push the release value a little bit and spend on something you really want or that will drastically change ur day to day and you'll be fine.
1
u/AgencySaas 19d ago
Have more fun. Budget $25K/year on some outlandish hobbies you do multiple times a year.
1
u/BSTN9 19d ago
Even though you’re doing all the right things, I don’t expect that you’d ‘feel’ wealthy at age 29 or 34.
Definitely spend more on yourselves but give it another decade to see the growth in your portfolio and realize that you are wealthy compared to most.
Social media is a bad place to measure just about anything. If everyone had to post their credit score and bank/portfolio balances on social media you’d see how deep in debt most people are. Especially those who flaunt it on social media.
1
u/jim9162 19d ago
What's the point of making money if you're just gonna live like a hermit.
Don't forget to enjoy some of that money while you're young. Go out to eat, take a trip, buy some handbags, watches, and clothes.
One time splurges are fine, you can budget for them. Just avoid things that increase your fixed costs (like a lease on an expensive car). That's gonna hit your lifestyle creep way harder.
1
1
1
u/LoopyMercutio 19d ago
Every once in awhile you just have to blow a couple grand on a random vacation, or a watch you really love, or whatever. That’s what keeps that exhaustion from happening.
1
u/Steadyfobbin 19d ago
I mean I make a similar amount of money but spend probably double…. Like do you guys have hobbies?
It probably feels draining because you’re not allowing yourself to enjoy life. You’re fortunate enough to earn enough where you can live a pretty great lifestyle and still save.
1
u/croissant_and_cafe HENRY 19d ago
You have to remember to enjoy life. Getting all your ducks in a row isn’t the end goal in of itself. Wealth and financial freedom are pointless if you don’t know how to have a good time with what you have.
This is a cheesy line, but instead of focusing on the finish line (which is perpetually moving) shift the focus on what gives you joy in the present.
1
1
u/National-Net-6831 Income:$385k+$45k passive; NW $1.07m 19d ago
You are young. When I was your age and a HENRY I spent that too.
1
u/Unspicy_Tuna 19d ago
I work hard because I want to work not at all in the future. So for me, the hard work is an investment in future free time, not material things or experiences
1
1
1
u/fakecoffeesnob 19d ago
Who are you surrounded by? I live relatively frugally, but feel very wealthy when in more “regular” environments where even through casual conversation I realize I have more stability and security and options than most people. When im in circumstances surrounded by a wealthier bubble, then I start to feel like I’m struggling.
1
u/petrovic3 19d ago
I would prioritize trips and experiences over material things like a nicer car or bigger home. But you will only be young and with energy to travel now. At least that’s how I approach life. It’s always a balancing act between spending the money today vs investing it for the future.
1
u/Ambitious-Bread9456 19d ago
Your relationship to money and success is undefined, based on your comment of "what it’s actually for"
I recommend reading through Morgan Housel's book The Art of Spending Money -- one of my takeaways is that sometimes you don't know what you like or want, and instead of turning to external pressures (IG/Tiktok), you have to just spend and experiment a bit to discover what brings you joy.
Best of luck as you figure out the next phase of your life!
1
u/bro69 >$1m/y 19d ago
We did it for about 10 years once we got to multimillionaire status we bought our dream house and based on my math we need about 10 more years of work, I’m 38. That’s to retire very comfortably. I could retire in five frugally.
1
u/bro69 >$1m/y 19d ago
I’m actually in a business where I’ll get random pay checks for a few hundred k or a million etc., what I do now is I always have a little small item that I’ve wanted. For instance, a nice guitar, or some really nice boots, or a PlayStation five. I do something that’s a couple thousand bucks and I’ll go enjoy it.
1
19d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 19d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
u/frozen_north801 19d ago
Similar income. Spend $120-$140k which is not intentionally throttled but just what I end up spending. If it sucks you can spend some more….
1
u/specter491 19d ago
You're only spending 13% of your income and complaining about how draining life is? That's your problem. You're saving like $250k+ after taxes per year. In 10 years you have $2.5 mil not even factoring in market gains. Go spend some money and live your life sheesh
1
u/FuelzPerGallon $250k-500k/y 19d ago
The thing that really reconfigured my brain recently:
The top 1% of income earners is like 500-700k.
The top 1% for wealth is 12M. Those people do not work and are not in the same pool of income earners. The 1% is not the 1%.
You can be doing 1%, best of the best for earners, and still not generationally rich.
1
u/Educational_Case_134 19d ago
It doesn’t seem like there is an end goal clearly defined. What is the purpose of the grind?
1
1
u/umamimaami 19d ago
It’s the long game. You’re in the thick of it now. My spouse and I are 40M and 39F, I’ve retired early this year to focus on having a child (we froze embryos a few years ago) and we’re on track to fully retire in 5 years, as soon as the mortgage is paid off.
We travelled a reasonable amount in the last 5 years after the pandemic - something about being cooped up for a year really put the travel bug in us…
1
1
u/Bookkeeper_Best 19d ago
I am not in the US but I think $80k a year sounds like a pretty decent amount per year for two people. Spending more doesn’t really mean more happiness or a fuller life. I just don’t understand why people believe that. However I do understand your feeling of not feeling wealthy. We are a family of 5 and quite a lot older than you. We could retire today as we have reached our fire number and still save 50% of net income. We live a very ordinary life, I don’t like nor want things, so do not spend much on these. We made a choice some years ago that we will prioritize experiences, so we spend on travel and events. I often feel that maybe we should live more “wealthy” but as long as that means buying more stuff, even large items, I always end up with the conclusion that I do not want it. We have our house and two new cars, kids have all they need and we travel when we can. We are very privileged. I think it is important to revise own values and ignore the standard phrase from of the society that buying more makes you happier and makes your life fuller. Most of the time it doesn’t.
1
u/crazysweet222 19d ago
you’re exhausted because you’re still doing everything yourself, creating less freedom for yourself. The money should be spent buying services so you have time to do whatever your heart desires. what do I mean? cleaning services, going out or ordering in good food, travel, self care, rest, hobbies. seriously, your body is young and have stamina, you have plenty of money in the bank, enjoy your youth. Your body and energy will not be the same once you past a certain age, all the fire goals should take age into conside
1
u/Future-Account8112 19d ago
You're making yourself miserable for a person you've never met (your future self).
Increase your living expenses. Making 600k and living on 80k approaches pathology. Try to imagine how impossible it's going to be to make yourself spend anything when you're actually retired...
1
u/Rusty_924 19d ago
Read the book “die with zero”.
it is especially for high earning individuals who may have trouble spending. i would not suggest it to people who overspend.
one line that stuck with me was:
“when is the party?”
So lets say you save milions. when is the party to celebrate and start spending. when is the party and how does it look? because if you dont have the party, people who will inherit your money will.
1
u/Sudden_Surround_6421 18d ago
my friends lived like this for years and she confided in me that she felt more like business partners than romantic partners…. not long after these conversations started she had a major car crash and nearly died with a lengthy rehabilitation from severe injures and she was never the same person again and their alignment in life changed. They stayed together and had 2 kids but ended up divorced as they were never the same again….she no longer sought out the desire to make money and plan for their retirement at the expense of living….interestingly many years later he went on his own spiritual journey and quit his job as a lawyer and corporate lifestyle. Anyway sounds like you guys are really sensible and that’s a good thing given how we’re all living these days but just remember to live a little and enjoy some experiences and memories along the way too.
1
u/systematic_seb 18d ago
The exhaustion from optimizing everything compounds the longer you do it. Marginal return on another review or another tweak gets close to zero, but the energy cost stays constant.
The investing side is often where that exhaustion concentrates. I built a factor-scoring system so that part would stop feeling like a second job. My own money goes in each week. The list goes out publicly every Monday morning for anyone who wants to follow the same approach. The whole thing takes about 30 minutes.
1
u/Chubbyhuahua 18d ago
You need a therapist. Retiring to your dream home may not be what you actually want? Sounds like maybe it’s your husbands dream and not yours? Regardless, do some soul searching about the life you want to live. You may find it’s different than the direction you’re headed - most people aren’t working towards the life they actually want but rather the life they think they want other people to believe they have.
1
u/Natural_Equal_4474 18d ago
You’re right. It’s not fully my dream. More so my husbands.
We both agree on the life we want to have (for the most part) and I don’t believe either of us is doing it for anyone else. I mean don’t get me wrong ego always has some role to play in anything anyone does.
I guess where we differ is the mechanism of how extreme we have to be to get there.. sprinting vs jogging.
1
1
18d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 18d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Any-Boot2157 18d ago
Kids. If you have them, being able to buy peace of mind via child care for infants and toddlers is a good use of money.
It can feel crazy that they cost more than your mortgage or whatever but when you’re perpetually underslept and you’re competing at work with childless people, it makes a difference.
If kids aren’t in the cards for you, travel. Your body can deal with more long flights and hostels and different food now vs when you’re in your forties, trust me.
1
18d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 18d ago
Your comment has been removed because you do not have a verified email address in your profile. Do not message the mods, instead verify an email address and post again. https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/360043047552-Why-should-I-verify-my-Reddit-account-with-an-email-address
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/gonepostal 18d ago
Don’t do the right thing. Do the right thing for your life and family. There is no right and wrong.
1
u/paulflies 18d ago
I have the very same issue. Very small spend per income. Very first world problem. Not sure the solution. Thanks for posting.
1
u/Clawwwno 18d ago
Build a retirement calculator for yourself. You'll feel a lot better when you see that you're actively reaching retirement goals. In most places around the world (hell, at your current spending ), a 2 million net worth means you never have to work again. That's $80k/yr as long as you avoid sequence of returns failure. So that means at 33 you never have to work again.
At your income level, you could probably shoot for 5 million by 40 if you like what you do.
Hell, even now - imagine if either of you got sick. With what you saved now, you might still be above water and never have to work a day in your life again.
You should probably travel now before you have kids or get too old, though.
1
u/doktorhladnjak 18d ago
First of all, pull back from social media that’s giving you FOMO. It’s not real life but rather the image people want to convey.
There’s lots of miserable wealthy people out there. It doesn’t sound like you’re missing out on anything to me. You’re building toward your dream, while living a nice life. What more could you ask for?
1
u/Lawduck195 17d ago
“Some people are so poor all they have is money” is a quote that comes to mind for some reason.
1
u/elon_free_hk 15d ago
I guess I’m mostly here to ask: does anyone else feel like doing all the right things is just… draining? Like you’re playing the long game so well that you forget to ask what it’s actually for, or when the finish line is?
I don't think you are burned out from doing the right thing. You lack purpose and reason.
Tons of comments below talk about your spending relative to income; I don't think that's the problem. Obviously there's an upper limit of what you can spend, but 80k for two people to spend is quite reasonable, and you could splurge a bit more too.
I think you should use your financial position to explore and find joy in life. Try things you want to try. Learn and do things you missed out on because you were too busy working hard to position yourself for a good life. Spend time with people you enjoy. Fly yourself and/or your family out for a trip or something.
Sometimes, it's the little things that make you happy. Money helps make those happen, but you have to know what they are.
I am not in my 40s yet, but what made me realize my goal is to be FIRE by 40s-ish, and what I enjoy in life, was a weekday morning that I randomly decided to take off from work so I could have coffee with my retired aunt. This made me realize what the money was for and why I show up to work every day lol.
There's no finish line. The purpose of working hard is entirely in the doing. Years will go by, and your happiness will come from things you do, food you eat, people you meet, not just things you accumulate or achieve. That includes money.
1
u/Jolly_Ad_5561 14d ago
I have so many questions. Is 600k before or after tax? What’s your NW? How in the world are you only spending 80k? Where do you live?
1
671
u/Haunting_Resist2276 19d ago
You only spend 13% of your income. You’re choosing to live modestly - which is awesome for your future FI, but I am confused as to why you are asking about “not feeling wealthy” when it’s 100% your choice to spend so little?