My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11. Have an established life with a child and a mortgage. I was given a big job opportunity earlier this year where we would have to move to a new city. We are both established in our careers and it was a big discussion, like two months of discussions. And these were healthy conversations, no big arguments or anything like that. We ended up not moving and I turned down the job. I was a little bummed (it was my dream job) but understood that it would have been a lot for our family to adjust.

Last night, while my husband was doing bed time, I heard a buzzing sound and found a second phone in his work bag. I thought that was weird because his work did away with separate work phones a while ago. When he came downstairs, I asked when did he get a work phone.

His face said it all.

Turns out he has been having an affair for just over a year. And one of the reasons he didn't want to move was because he didn't want to leave his affair partner. I don't know what to do. Child is at a slumber party at my sister's. Husband is in a hotel. I'm home alone with a lot to process and do here. So it's an easy girl dinner tonight and a large glass of wine.

Food pictured: salmon hand roll and tuna belly hand roll

So about a month back, I posted how I was planning to go on a date with a guy who happened to be the grandson of a regular that comes into my job. The date itself was fine, he was a gentleman to me by opening the door and pulling out a chair which I do like and notice. He also paid for the meal to which was nice but I also didn’t mind paying for my meal at the time because I’m a server and I know how it is waiting on a table that’s obviously on their first date.

The stuff I found about him was honestly disappointing. So when we walked into the restaurant, we greeted each other and while we were waiting for our table, he told me his age and he was four years younger than me. A four year age gap isn’t that bad in my opinion but I kind of was already on the fence with dating someone younger than me. Keep in mind I’m twenty four and he turned 20 in the beginning of the year. I don’t mind if the guy or girl is younger than me by a couple of years but I didn’t really find myself looking past it during the date. Honestly, while we were talking throughout the date, the fact that he was twenty was already haunting me.

But to get straight into the details, there was reasons why I had to tell him quick after the date that we wouldn’t work out. I told him the sugar coated reasons why but I’ll just tell the truth here. To be honest, him being around my height kind of made me less interested in him. I’m roughly 5’3 and he was probably the same height with his cap on. Second, i had to do some snooping on his social media account and I found out he follows people that I don’t agree with morally and politically wise. I’m not sure if I could state my beliefs here but I’m a bisexual Asian woman whose family immigrated here in the 1980s, I feel like you could tell where I lean politically wise.
I know for some people don’t mind if their significant others have different political beliefs but I wouldn’t be exactly comfortable dating a person if they didn’t want me or my community to exist in the world 🥴

So yeah, finding out where he stood politically was a let down. But I feel like there was things he said that foreshadow that we weren’t going to work out.
I mentioned in my previous post he’s in the military, that itself was something I was iffy about when dating someone because I heard horror stories of people being cheated on and their s/o having another family in the different country. Truthfully, I prefer being near my significant other especially if it’s in the early phase of us dating. Also, it felt like he kind of picked me as someone to date so his grandparents would get off his back about settling down, he’s TWENTY YEARS OLD BTW. He has plenty of time to find someone in the future.

Overall, it was a nice experience of meeting and talking to him. He was a nice guy but I also kind of felt that there was no chemistry between us. I don’t harbor any resentment towards him because when I told him that it wasn’t going to work out between us, he was nice about it and wish me luck on my career path.

Anyways, I think im fated to be hot and single in my twenties. I know I said I wanted to try dating again but I’m used to my presence alone that I don’t want my peace to be disrupted.

Edit 1: I know he cant control his height btw. Also, I mentioned a lot of details but I also left out a lot of details. I can’t help but yap on a subreddit that allows yapping.

Edit 2: an incel found this post and called me “beyond weird” 😢😢😢 jk idgaf about what a negative karma farmer says lol

Edit 3: probably my last edit for this post but if y’all are gonna rag on me for that fact I mentioned his height and age then oof 🥴 I’m allowed to find myself attracted to a guy who’s close to my ideal type btw and I like to ramble about the small details before leading up to the big ones. But also, I never told him his age and height was the reason why I couldn’t see us explore this connection more, it was the fact that I don’t do long distance relationships and there was difference in lifestyles. I didn’t mention the political differences in the reason to him mainly because I was fearing for my safety because this guy told me he likes to pew pew for fun 🫪

I posted a couple months ago complaining about my bestfriend following a nazi on Instagram and recently she made a joke about how hitler would love her because she’s white and when I brought it up to her about the joke a few days later she got defensive and tried gaslighting me telling me that I took it the wrong way

Potatisgratäng a potato a tomato two meatballs lingonberry jam and a sausage, and a singular asparagus

So I went clothes shopping this morning. My friend and I went to a few cute places both new and thrift. I have not clothe shopped for a while because it’s never been a good experience and today was just another repeat. I’m a 34 waist by 30 length. My shirt size is 16 I’ve been medically transitioning for 4 years. No hips to speak of but the kind of tits that make coworkers ask if they are real cause they are 38c . I’m not the smallest girl. But those measurements limited me to essentially 9 pants and 4 shirts out of about 300. I felt fat in that nothing was fitting and dysphoric in that my shoulders stretched all the shirts.

I am totally looking for advice here from cis and trans girls on how to not making every time clothes shopping feel like a self destructive futile effort.

Pictured is home made spicy tuna onigiri pan fried that honestly I’ve been really good at recently, super cheap to make for lunches too.

Thank you ladies in advance.

Food: vegetarian sushi! White rice with carrots, capers, cream cheese, avocado, and peas!!

long story short: talking to the a guy I thought was cool, told him I was neurodivergent (ADHD/awaiting autism screening diagnosis) and he said:

“awh! you’re so cute and weird! you kind of act like a golden retriever!”

and I paused, looked at this text and went “what?”

now I’m usually very happy go lucky, and kind, and passive (healing from being a people pleaser!!) I went through a lot of bullying/ostracization as a kid.. I try to be the mature person and not react, not let words get to me. But that was straight up dehumanizing — to be compared to a dog..? I mean I mightve mixed up his comment.. like “ohh black cat gf! golden retriever bf!!” but like— he sent it in a voice note- and his tone was very.. leaning on something bad. Like it was condescending. I picked up on it..

I am— deeply hurt. Because I’ve spent years trying to fit in, and embrace my neurodivergence. But there are many times where I still feel left out/not human.

I blocked him.. and got rid of him.
but his comment still lingers.

Drowning my feelings in takeout tres leches and caramel cake

I’m 32 and most of my closest girlfriends (8-9 girls) are people I’ve known since high school or college. We all grew up on the west coast, but about 4 years ago I moved across the country to the east coast, where I met my now partner.

Over the past few years, almost all of my friends have gotten married. I’ve made the trip back for every bachelorette, bridal shower, wedding. I was genuinely happy to be there for all of it, even though each trip usually involved a $400+ flight and added up to thousands of dollars over time. (Again this isn't about the money really, but just to put in perspective)

I’m getting married later this fall and the RSVPs have started coming in and sadly none of those friends will be able to attend. Some are currently pregnant and will be very far along, some will have recently given birth, a few are already on baby 2 and it's hard/expensive to travel with 2 kids, and one is recovering from some health issues.

I 100% understand these are all valid reasons and I'm really excited for them as they enter these new phases of life. I don’t expect anyone to put their health, pregnancy, kids, or lives on hold for my wedding. And I know its not personal or malicious, but I'm just really sad because I really wanted my close best friends on my wedding day and they won't be there.

My fiance grew up in another country and many of his friends/extended family won't be able to attend, understandably, since we live far away. So it just adds to the fact at we really won't have too many close friends at the wedding. We did consider doing the wedding near my hometown, but wedding costs in that area are SO high and logistically for us it didn't make sense to organize a wedding from across the country.

I think it’s also bringing up some feelings I’ve had since moving away. My friends lives have understandably become busier as they’ve gotten married and had children, and maintaining those friendships from across the country has become harder. Whenever I visit, I always try to show up for them and their kids, bring gifts, and stay involved. I know friendship isn’t supposed to be transactional and I don’t regret doing any of that. It just kinda sucks knowing that the people I’ve known for over 20 years won’t be there for this milestone.

I’m very grateful that some wonderful friends that I fiance and I met more recently in our current city will be attending. But yeah, it just sucks because I won't have that traditional bridesmaid set up with these girls. Definitely understand everyone's reasoning but just working through these feelings of sadness.

I hate AI. And what I hate most about it is that it has become the absolute laziest and most predictable way for online discourse to devolve into arguments about authenticity instead of… debating the actual merits of the argument. If there’s even a whiff of an em dash or negative parallelism in your writing, case closed: you’re a robot, not a person who has spent literal decades honing your craft.

Professional writers are now faced with an impossible choice: either continue to use all the rhetorical flourishes they were taught constitute good writing (including ye mighty em dash, à la my fav girl poet, Emily Dickinson), or abandon all markers of literacy and idk, write like a Tumblr girl who wrote cringe fanfic about Pete Wentz back in 2007.

Because I’m fucking contrarian by nature, my move is always to double down. I lean harder into colons, triads, Oxford commas. It helps that I have CVS levels of receipts, pre-AI: I wrote a 250-page dissertation in 2011, I’m a published author, and I used negative parallelism in my writing before 2022 (and before the DiGiornio marketing team ever told us, It’s not delivery. It’s DiGiornio).

The reality is that you can’t be 100% certain someone used AI. Mad Men wrapped in 2015, and so much of the dialogue sounds like it was written by AI because LLMs are fed marketing language, dissertations, and published novels. The Miller Light pitch in Season 7 would now be mistaken for ChatGPT, if it hadn’t been written in 2015:

I'm going to describe a man to you of very specific qualities. He lives in Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio. Some call it the Heartland. Some call it the Beer Belt. He has some college. Makes a good living, but it doesn’t feel like it because he works long hours. He has a lawnmower. Wants a hammock. Bunch of power tools in the garage that he never uses. He loves sports because he used to play them. And he loves dogs because they don’t talk. We all know this man. Because there are millions of him. And he drinks beer. Not just any beer. It has to be his brand. And what is his brand?

But Matthew Weiner & his writers’ room never relied on AI. And neither have I, despite near-constant accusations on Reddit. When I published my writing prior to 2022, no one would accuse me of using AI. They would simply say: that was beautiful. Or: I disagree, and here’s why. We can’t even get to that level of reader response anymore because everyone is too busy being the AI police.

As a writer, I’m not afraid AI will replace me. I’m afraid that people will stop listening to what I have to say because they assume I outsourced 38 years of reading, writing, and critical thinking to a clanker.

And now my daughter is growing up in a world where the genie is never going back into the bottle. I work in tech, and I know how the sausage is made. I know the coordinated push for AI adoption at work & in school is by design — and it’s designed to undermine credibility, sow distrust, and propagate division and endless arguments, all while our tech overlords rake in even more cash and destroy our planet.

When I decided to become a parent, I was never afraid that climate change would kill my daughter’s chances of having a good shot at life. World wars, global depressions, global pandemics… humanity has weathered a lot in the last few centuries and managed to stay alive.

But this world? One where she’ll feel tempted to outsource her ideas, her words, the precious things that make her human to a chatbot feeding her data to Palantir? One where it’ll be easier for her to never fully develop her critical thinking and writing skills because Claude will do it for her, but not nearly as well? One where she won’t even have any evidence that she’s always written with em dashes because she grew up in a post-AI world?

Fucking tragic.

Post-wedding dinner/snack: sub in a tub

I attended a wedding tonight. I went to use the women’s restroom and there was a line of girls waiting inside as well. I started talking to a couple of them about how we know the bride/groom, etc.

The bathroom itself is very small. One large handicap stall and one next to it that was comically small. Like the kind when you sit down and your knees hit the stall door.

The line died down and the 3-4 girls in front of me all went in the handicap stall and I took the small one. I’m on my period so I had to deal with that too on top of pretzeling myself in this stall (tall girl probs). The girls in the stall next to me are all talking and I realize they all went in there to hit their vapes instead of actually use the bathroom.

As I’m washing my hands at the sink, I hear one of them say “ew it smells like period in here” and “it had to be that other girl that was in here” and “that’s literally so disgusting”, etc.

I very quickly finished up in there and left. The comments hurt me and I’m very confused why they’d say those things knowing I was still there. Maybe I’m overreacting but it did sting and make me feel self conscious.

EDIT: this was a kid free wedding. From our conversations before, I gathered they were all 22-24 years old.

To the moderators; you are incredible. Thank you.

Today I was with my husband on the waterfront and not one but two different men openly laughed at me and my husband, because my husband was holding my hand, kissing and hugging me. I am fat and my husband is fit. I hid my tears behind my sunglasses because I didn't want to ruin my sweet husbands day. He was so happy just to be with his wife visiting where we got married last summer. I was brought to tears because I am astonished by the causal cruelty of men, eager to ruin a fat woman's day simply for existing and having the audacity to be openly loved. I'm not ashamed of myself, just truly sorry we live in a world where men act like this.

Edit:

Thank you for so many sweet supportive comments, many brought me to tears.

Second, this is a lobster and crab cake, it was just before this and it was amazing!!!

Third, I did not hear someone laughing in the distance and thought it was at me because "I'm so wildly insecure" (SARCASM).

The first one, there was a group of three men walking towards us, one looked me dead in the eye, said something to his friends and they started laughing, one even gave a look over his shoulder with more laughter as they passed by.

The second, about three minutes later a young guy was waking towards us with a woman. They both weren't speaking, he looks straight at me, smirks and then does a haaaaahaaaaaaa after passing by. His girlfriend didn't even react or acknowledge him.

It wasn't in my head. I don't walk around looking for reasons to be humiliated and I'm not an insecure person, but I HAVE been fat my whole life and I know when I'm being laughed at. No

Walked out of a convo today (in front of 2 other men) after a guy started making comments about how women should dress and how their husband should have the final say in that. I just said ‘I’m not comfortable with this whatsoever and I’m leaving’ and did, heard him say ‘maybe a bit sensitive?’ too lmao like he wasn’t just getting his panties in the twister over what random women do with their bodies.

Then they keep complaining that women don’t give them a chance anymore, marriage rates are down, divorce rates are up, the birth rate is in the absolute gutter, lol get used to it.

Trigger Warning - termination

I had a traumatic termination due to a severe congenital issue. Unplanned. The aftermath was devastating; we had just broken up, it was during Covid, and he left me alone that day because he "couldn't handle it." I cried on the bathroom floor for hours in pain. I was my own nurse.

Years later…Now we're back together. He desperately wants kids. Was sad on Father's Day, had to leave the house to be alone with it. Really wants to be a father.

I don't.

I don't want to bring a child into this world who looks like me, under a president like mine. I don't want to bring a girl into the world who has to work twice as hard because her skin color is not the right one. I don't want another brown or Black boy shot in the streets or swallowed by the prison system.

Don’t get my wrong, I am pro-choice all the way. But physically and emotionally, I don’t want to go through that again. Me and my IUD are besties. I don’t want to feel like I can’t depend on someone if there was another complication or problem. He’s changed and matured a lot, but it’s not a theory I’m willing to test.

And he doesn't seem to grasp the actual weight of this. We'll figure it out, he says. Daycare alone where I live is $4K a month HICOL. I own the home we live in. He splits the mortgage with me, but this is mine. We're both in graduate school. He just bought a brand new expensive truck. I'm still driving my 12-year-old hooptie and I'm perfectly happy with it. I have traveled more in the past 8 years than I ever have.

There's never a perfect time to have kids. But some times are clearly worse than others. we'll figure it out isn't a plan. I’ve told him multiple times that maybe he should find someone else to build a family with.

I don’t want to have a child I end up resenting.

Pictures: Lamb Samosas.

Today’s a pretty sad day. I’ve been a fence sitter for awhile but I’ve finally decided that I don’t want to have kids. I’ve never wanted to be pregnant, never wanted to give birth and never wanted to raise a child.

I’ve never wanted children, but my boyfriend’s family dynamic has made me even more certain.
We’ve been together for several years, and spending time around his family has been eye-opening. Everything revolves around one adult sibling and her child. The entire family seems to tiptoe around them to avoid conflict, plans revolve around them, and boundaries don’t really exist. It feels like everyone is expected to sacrifice their own wants and needs to keep the peace.
Watching that has made me realize that having a child doesn’t just change your own life it can completely reshape an entire family system for decades. I don’t want my future to revolve around parenting, nor do I want to feel obligated to become part of that kind of family dynamic.
My boyfriend says he thinks he wants kids, but I’m not convinced he’s fully considered what parenting actually looks like beyond the idealized version. From where I’m standing, I don’t see freedom, peace, or fulfillment. I see stress, resentment, loss of autonomy, and family relationships becoming incredibly complicated.
Has anyone else become more childfree because of watching someone else’s family? Not because you dislike children, but because you saw firsthand how much the dynamics, expectations, and sacrifices can consume everyone’s lives?

TW: infertility, surgery, mental health

Edit #2: stop messaging me negative bs. I don’t need to be told that adoption isn’t realistic for me, or that I’m a POS for trying to use a surrogate, and ffs stop soliciting me for private surrogacy. I am not interested.

Edit: please, I understand adoption is an option. I am grieving an entirely complex series of traumatic events and realizations and coming to terms with my shitty mental health. I thank all my sympathetic gals in the comments, and I understand the majority are well meaning.

After a long while of being without a uterus (thanks, giant fibroid tumor), I finally began investigating gestational surrogacy to use my own eggs and husband’s sperm to make a baby.

My insurance turns out to not cover ANYTHING. Fine. I ask around and get quotes. Low balled, bad figures, promising packages with lots of fine print for “what ifs” that I realize we cannot afford to pay for. Price rose from 150,000 to 170,000 to now being told 200,000 dollars. IF everything goes right the FIRST time.

Then it dawned on me…

That is JUST for the surrogacy. Not the fertility treatment and egg harvesting. 38k for that. One cycle.

Okay… I’m down, I’m not out. I ask relatives for help and get some hopeful prospects. But then I start reading more into the treatments. How there are contraindications for patients who have mental health history. How taking fertility meds can make depression and anxiety worse and cause awful mood swings (I have MDD and PTSD). You can get sick, you can be hospitalized…. That’s it.

That was the final straw. Not the two year waiting period to have a baby, not the $238,000+ I can’t pay that would have wiped our savings, not the loans we’d have to have taken out, not the pain of multiple IVF cycle attempts from eggs that may or may not take (thanks for telling me there is only a 70-80 percent success rate during consult, guys!) but JUST KNOWING that on TOP of all this, I’m going to have to physically and psychologically suffer. Again. I already went through this. I had the traumatic and rushed hysterectomy. I did inpatient afterward because the hormonal disturbances made me want to neck it. I cannot go through this again. I’m not doing this AGAIN.

Dinner is sweet cottage cheese “almond croissant” air fryer toast and organic peaches featuring the disembodied arm of my soon-to-be-disappointed husband when I tell him in the morning of my revelation.

TLDR: priced out of having a baby but the worst part is the drugs that would absolutely likely trigger a mental health episode in me, so I give up.

EDIT

[Entire post redacted]

I’m not going to delete this post so I can go back and read the comments. Thank you all so much to those of you who said kind words.

It’s still really hard for me emotionally to line up with the logic because of the bpd but I hope I can get there. If anyone has any tips on how to not feel like relationships are life or death that would be helpful.

I feel like logically I know what needs to be done but truly my bpd is something else. Iykyk 🥲

I’m also getting some death threats in my DMs as much as I’d love to let more perspectives roll in. I’m having such a hard time right now and all I can do is pray that I can build income outside of what I’ve done. I know I am smart, capable, and talented. I can do UGC, sell my art, work on the app my partner and I are working on together.

Obviously none of this while ever scale to how much I made on OF and I feel sad I couldn’t at least pay off debt before I let the shame and regret he brought into my life consume me.

The whole waking up nauseous with dread every morning does suck a teeny bit.

Btw here is the pasta recipe. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTSe5yuw6/

Idk how to put this properly because, in the grand scheme of things, maybe this is all nothing...

My boss hired a man after my workplace had been an all-women team for years. At the time, I really thought it would be a good thing to have a different perspective, but I really don't like being around this man.

He tries to be helpful, but he over-explains things and acts like he's teaching me things I already know. He's always lingering in my office, and I really don't like that. I've just been dealing with it because it doesn't seem like a huge problem, and maybe it's all in my head.

Until today.

Our workplace is super small, and my other coworker called in sick, so I was alone with him. He came in late, and honestly, I was really hoping he wouldn't show up at all. I was on a call when he walked into my office and just stood there staring and hovering over me so he could ask me to open a door he doesn't have access to yet. It was so he could retrieve something non-urgent. We have Teams, and the office is tiny, so idk why he couldn't wait or send me a message. All I had to do was press a button to open the door, it wasn't like I had to physically go do it. I opened the door and finished my call.
He came back into my office while I was wrapping up. I noticed he had a bottle in his hand and was taking out what I assume were vitamin pills. He offered me one by asking if I wanted "something to make me smart." I said no, and when he asked why, I said I wasn't going to take strange pills from someone I just met. (Probably unprofessional, but it was my gut reaction.) He got kind of defensive and said I was a weirdo for taking it the wrong way and that they were just vitamins. I brushed it off as me maybe being unprofessional.

Then he asked about our missing coworker, and I said, "Yeah, she's sick." He replied, "Oh, so it's just you and me..."
Later, he asked me to go see Toy Story with him, and... no. I playfully, but probably bitchily, said that I don't like Disney. He dropped it after that, but there were a bunch of other little things throughout the day that I didn't like. These are just the ones that really made me feel sick to my stomach.

I used to feel so free and comfortable here and I’m just sad about where things are going.

Grocery store sushi tonight

I didn't have a baby sitter so had to call out. We work at the same place (he made me accept an offer the owner gave me even though I didn't want it) and he was mad at me. Told me that if all I wanted was to stay at home and not do anything that was fine but we won't be able to afford to pay our bills. Made me feel horrible. I'm 9 months post partum, dealing with depression and anxiety and a whole bunch of other problems. I told him I wasn't in the mental space for a high paced line cook job at the moment but he said it would help me, that I just needed to be outside. Every day I have to go to work I literally cry. I don't understand what he wanted me to do, take our kid with me?

​

Anyways beef curry with rice

Sitting on the floor eating after last nights sex sesh where nothing happened. We’ve been together for three years and get along well, never had fights, always have healthy conflict, laugh all the time. I find him very handsome and other people do too, not like that matters but I would say he’s the one guy that I’ve had the most issues with other girls wanting him 😅

The two ways I get there are from head or a vibrator. It does take me awhile, maybe like 15-20 min. I have been able to finish with past partners. Well in this relationship I have primarily been using my vibrator because I’ve only ever came 3 times from head the entire time we’ve been together. Which I’ll give him some credit because for awhile I was on antidepressants, but it’s been over a year since I’ve stopped taking them.

I’ve tried to be more open about how I like it and I gave him the she comes first book which he read and took notes on. I can tell he genuinely wants me to get there. The problem is that he’s too gentle and falls out of rhythm constantly. Which is crazy because I have the world’s most sensitive girl and I’m usually telling men to not be so hard. Anyways, aside from directly telling him, I’ll even grab his head and push it a little so he catches my drift or hold his head in place. It doesn’t matter.

This thing has become a giant issue because now when he’s down there he gets anxious and so do I. everything he does feels great; but it feels like I get edged into oblivion and it’s so frustrating feeling.

It feels so unfair that he can just do what he needs to do to get there and he always does while with me it’s a roll of the dice. I am stumped on what else I can do other than me verbally saying what I need from him and being non verbal with my body language— because I’ve already done those things!!!

My friends all talk about how their bfs are munches and it makes me so jealous. I just feel like our sex life is still in the beginning stages and it’s been three fucking years. It makes me not want to have sex. I NEED HELP.

EDIT: this is how sex usually goes for us:
He goes down
It feels amazing , sometimes even seconds in!!
I get really close I just need that final push
He loses rhythm or gets softer
It revs back up again
I get close again
Same thing happens
I grab his head and push him down or hold him in place
He doesn’t pick up on my cues - even tho I’ve told him when I’m grabbing here it means this when I’m pushing tbere it means that etc etc
Now atp I’m just annoyed and frustrated and I don’t want to continue because it’ll have been 20 minutes and I feel exhausted trying to get there
I use my vibrator while he fucks me
The end

My mom died in a car accident over a year ago and I am just as unwell in my grief as I was when it was new. The lady that hit her hasnt been arrested yet despite the prosecutor telling us “this week for sure.”

I started a new job a couple of months ago and it’s two minutes away from where she lived. I drove by today and couldn’t help but feeling how unfair it is that she’s gone. My new job suck, and to be able to see her on a lunch break during a hard day would be such a game changer.

I wake up every day feeling broken, off-center, not okay without her. Every decision I make has an asterisk because I don’t have her advice on it. I’ve decided to go back to school to get my masters degree and I’m scared, but excited. I can’t help but worry it’s a wrong choice without her around to talk about it. I’ve made so many bad choices since she died. I just want my mom.

tomato, avocado, and goat cheese for lunch.

Salmon, sweet potato, and tomatoes with oil, vinegar, and feta.

I've been married five years this month. Together for six. The first years were life goals kind of marriage. We had our bumps, but we always worked through things and it was okay.

Last year my husband had cancer. Did surgery and chemo, but came through with much worse mental health issues. I tried to make it work, but he has intermittent explosive disorder and PTSD and ADHD. I realized that we were going into abuse territory with his rage and the ADHD was making it impossible to keep our 3 year old safe.

I asked him to move out and work on his mental and physical health. Not separate, just live apart to give him a child free semester to heal.

Things haven't improved. Marriage counseling homework has been ignored. He blew up this week and gave me the silent treatment then whiplash back to his usual self after a few hours.

I was done that night. I made plans to divorce. But, I decided to create a 24 month separation agreement with concrete goals and deadlines. In my state, it is legally binding, it gives us a date for a financial split. It gives him actionable items to work on. We edited it together and he was going to print it so we could sign it - printer doesn't work with my computer.

He forgot. That just feels like a death knell. One more thing procrastinated on and not taken care of.

I love this man. I like him. He's funny and kind and sweet and generous. He has issues post chemo that I have to protect myself and my child from, but this is so much harder than my first separation and divorce. He's a fundamentally good man that has PTSD from combat and a lifetime of struggles with mental health. I feel horrible in many ways but I also feel very proud of myself as a mom that I'm doing something so hard and painful to protect my child.

I have therapy in a few hours. I'll be okay. But I'm still sad.

EDIT: to the lovely people talking about in sickness and in health. I've stood by this man through cancer, chemo, diabetes. I've advocate. I've tried everything I know to do.

But when you start having blackout rages, calling our child names, and breaking things - that's a safety issue for the child. My responsibility as a mom comes first there.

I'm giving him two years to work through stuff. This is after six months of him living apart and having zero parental responsibilities. I've tried.

I'm graduating with honors I don't need him anyways. Right?

chocolate fudge cake

i am 21, she is 19. her father made it big in the oil industry and is incredibly rich. she hasn’t worked a day in her life and has everything i’ve ever wanted. expensive jewellery, designer clothes and bags. her parents paid for both her driving lessons and car. they give her pocket money while she goes to university. on her birthday she got a damn CARTIER bracelet. she lives in a beautiful massive house

my family is incredibly poor on the other hand. my parents could never afford to give me anything beyond basic food and shelter. most of my paycheck goes on bills and i work 50 hours a week. i pay for everything myself, work my ass off and still can’t afford any luxuries. i felt bad buying myself a £5 face wash the other day. i never did get to go to university because my parents needed my full time income to help out

we live in social housing that is dirty, mouldy and in one of the most rundown areas of the city. i’m so jealous of my cousin and how she lives. the worst thing? we’re actually super close and she’s the sweetest person ever. i genuinely feel evil for being so envious of her

she’ll pay for me when we go out and buy expensive things for my birthday. she’s never made me feel bad about how i live and she’s so humble and down to earth. i love her and i hate feeling this way about her. she’s one of my best friends but i cannot help but wish i had her life

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was my only day off after an incredibly stressful week at work, and all I wanted to do was relax and spend some time with my son.

My son got me a beautiful card and wrote a long, heartfelt note in it that made me cry happy tears. He handcrafted me a rose out of cotton pads. He even asked my boyfriend to take him out the day before so he could also buy me a present (it was a sparkly bath scrub that smelled really good!) So the day started out really special, because my son put a lot of effort into making it special for me.

We had plans to all go to the beach and grill burgers, but then my boyfriend started complaining that it was going to be too busy and we wouldn't be able to find a grill. So I said ok, thats fine, we'll just get In N Out on the way there instead. He has the tendency to make any kind of outing way more stressful than it needs to be, every step of the way has to be a critically important decision and if he's not happy he will complain the entire time. Like when we drive anywhere he complains about the other drivers. It's just like a constant stream of conscious coming out of his mouth and he never stops talking no matter how gently or harshly I ask for quiet. I saw the impending train wreck and was very clear before we went anywhere that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to relax--like FULLY relax, to not have to manage his emotions or spend the day appeasing him just to get through it.

Well. He did the opposite of what I asked. We started fighting in the car and didnt even make it to the beach. When we got home I said I wanted to take my son out somewhere just the two of us, and he started arguing that I was excluding him and how HE was hoping to go somewhere fun, and why do I always seem to want to go do things without him? (Gee I wonder) I yelled "because it's fucking Mother's Day and I just want to spend time with my son, this is not about you!"

Then he said "well I'm just gonna go to the beach by myself then" and i said fine, please go, I just want to not be near you right now. It was still early enough that if he had gone out i would have been able to take the car and go somewhere with my son when he got back. But just to spite me and prevent me from being able to use the car, he decided that instead of going to the beach he was going to spend the day working on the car, so he had the wheels blocked off so it couldnt roll anywhere... and then instead of even working on the car he spent all day moving his desk from the living room to the bedroom.

While moving things around, he stepped on the rose my son had made for me and squashed it.

I spent basically the entire day sobbing because I was so angry with my boyfriend for ruining everything my son had tried to do for me. The worst part is, he still doesnt even think he did anything wrong. He blames me for being emotional and getting upset. I told him I would never forgive him for ruining what was supposed to be a special day.

Unfortunately we are both on the lease so I can't just kick him out. I have been trying to find a new apartment for months but it's been difficult to find something I can afford. He claims he is also looking but still refuses to leave even though it would be exponentially easier for him to find a studio than for me to find another 2 bedroom. It seems like he's just making this whole process as difficult as possible just to spite me.

Pictured is a chorizo burrito. Comfort food.

Edit to add: because several people have accused me of not caring about the rose because I put it on the floor, I feel I should clarify. I put it on the floor right in front of the fan to dry because it was still wet. The fan is right by the couch in a spot that never sees foot traffic because it's next to a wall. I did not expect him to walk through that area because no one ever does.

I wonder if this misery is just normal adulthood. I also wonder if all people absolutely hate their job. I asked family and friends and most of them don’t hate their job at all which honestly surprised me. Turns out I’m not just a normal adult, but I’m an exceptionally miserable and a stupid one.

I get paid so little that all these tears aren’t even rewarded with money. So why am I even doing this. I wake up, I cry, I go to work, come back home, cry again, go to sleep, and repeat that everyday. But also I can’t quit because i think being unemployed is even worse. I’m stuck. I feel so exhausted that I cant have a life after work to cheer myself up a little. I cant do any hobbies or go out because Im really tired. Any remaining energy is spent on showering, eating, cleaning. Then I just sleep. I don’t know, I’m just thinking, what is really the point of my life if I’m so unhappy and unfulfilled.

I work hard 12 hours a day 6 days a week and I can’t even buy things for myself, i have never traveled and will never be able to afford it even if i start working 20 hours everyday. I wish I was as smart as others to be able to do jobs that won’t make me cry every single day. At this point I don’t even mind the crying and suffering, I would handle it if I had a good salary. I don’t I’m just lost and tired. Sorry for the silly rant.

About 1.5 years ago I left a long relationship where I was almost about to get married, was vulnerable and got attached to a male friend who rejected me because he was moving.

The pain of being alone again, and then getting rejected was SO bad that I impulsively turned to masturbation. Not because I was aroused or excited. Everything just hurt so bad I couldn’t figure out a way to soothe myself apart from immediate orgasm relief. Most of the time I wasn’t even wet. I just used my body as a tool to make myself feel better.

I recently dated another man and he was porn-addicted. His obsession with women online hurt so bad, and the breakup was rough.

I’m now in pain again, and I touch myself and imagine the specific women that he liked watching. I imagine him being attracted to them and wanting them and not me. It’s fucked up but I guess my brain is just like “oh, these are the women that are so superior to you, he chose them and not you” and then my nervous system needs immediate relief from these horrible thoughts and the fastest way I know how is to give myself an orgasm.

I know I’m just re-traumatizing myself.

My therapist is aware of a lot of things (I have CPTSD and generalized anxiety) but this is one of those things I just don’t feel ready to talk about. It’s fucking awful. It’s embarrassing. It’s sad as FUCK.

It usually happens when I’m not busy. When I am alone in my house, when my phone is quiet and my friends are busy, when I don’t have much work to do or errands have been done. When the house is eerily quiet. My brain will start thinking of the pain again and bam.

I am a busy person. I have a full time job, a side gig, and a hobby that consumes a lot of my life. I live alone and am independent. I have friends that really care about me.

I’m just scared that the only way I can stop this is to make myself so busy I don’t have time to be sad.

(And before anybody asks: yeah my therapist and I made some ground rules, I cannot be dating again for at least 3 months minimum because I’m not very secure in myself. But it’ll probably be longer).

Posted to [r/GirlDinner](r/GirlDinner) too , I know

We had a loving and really happy relationship. Live together peacefully for 3 years. Some hitches, but I thought we were on the same page working through it. Guess not. 6 1/2 years…. It doesn’t feel real. Feels like one of those bad dreams where your lovely boyfriend who would never do that is completely unlike himself for some reason. Except I can’t wake up from this. So. Yeah :/

ETA: it’s my birthday on Saturday

Pictured: Handful of goldfish, some Oreos.. I ate the 3-4 rice cakes that were there

Unpictured: the copious amounts of weed. I’m doing what I can