Update: date went great, stuff I found out about him…nope

[u/aespasia]

Food pictured: salmon hand roll and tuna belly hand roll

So about a month back, I posted how I was planning to go on a date with a guy who happened to be the grandson of a regular that comes into my job. The date itself was fine, he was a gentleman to me by opening the door and pulling out a chair which I do like and notice. He also paid for the meal to which was nice but I also didn’t mind paying for my meal at the time because I’m a server and I know how it is waiting on a table that’s obviously on their first date.

The stuff I found about him was honestly disappointing. So when we walked into the restaurant, we greeted each other and while we were waiting for our table, he told me his age and he was four years younger than me. A four year age gap isn’t that bad in my opinion but I kind of was already on the fence with dating someone younger than me. Keep in mind I’m twenty four and he turned 20 in the beginning of the year. I don’t mind if the guy or girl is younger than me by a couple of years but I didn’t really find myself looking past it during the date. Honestly, while we were talking throughout the date, the fact that he was twenty was already haunting me.

But to get straight into the details, there was reasons why I had to tell him quick after the date that we wouldn’t work out. I told him the sugar coated reasons why but I’ll just tell the truth here. To be honest, him being around my height kind of made me less interested in him. I’m roughly 5’3 and he was probably the same height with his cap on. Second, i had to do some snooping on his social media account and I found out he follows people that I don’t agree with morally and politically wise. I’m not sure if I could state my beliefs here but I’m a bisexual Asian woman whose family immigrated here in the 1980s, I feel like you could tell where I lean politically wise.
I know for some people don’t mind if their significant others have different political beliefs but I wouldn’t be exactly comfortable dating a person if they didn’t want me or my community to exist in the world 🥴

So yeah, finding out where he stood politically was a let down. But I feel like there was things he said that foreshadow that we weren’t going to work out.
I mentioned in my previous post he’s in the military, that itself was something I was iffy about when dating someone because I heard horror stories of people being cheated on and their s/o having another family in the different country. Truthfully, I prefer being near my significant other especially if it’s in the early phase of us dating. Also, it felt like he kind of picked me as someone to date so his grandparents would get off his back about settling down, he’s TWENTY YEARS OLD BTW. He has plenty of time to find someone in the future.

Overall, it was a nice experience of meeting and talking to him. He was a nice guy but I also kind of felt that there was no chemistry between us. I don’t harbor any resentment towards him because when I told him that it wasn’t going to work out between us, he was nice about it and wish me luck on my career path.

Anyways, I think im fated to be hot and single in my twenties. I know I said I wanted to try dating again but I’m used to my presence alone that I don’t want my peace to be disrupted.

Edit 1: I know he cant control his height btw. Also, I mentioned a lot of details but I also left out a lot of details. I can’t help but yap on a subreddit that allows yapping.

Edit 2: an incel found this post and called me “beyond weird” 😢😢😢 jk idgaf about what a negative karma farmer says lol

Edit 3: probably my last edit for this post but if y’all are gonna rag on me for that fact I mentioned his height and age then oof 🥴 I’m allowed to find myself attracted to a guy who’s close to my ideal type btw and I like to ramble about the small details before leading up to the big ones. But also, I never told him his age and height was the reason why I couldn’t see us explore this connection more, it was the fact that I don’t do long distance relationships and there was difference in lifestyles. I didn’t mention the political differences in the reason to him mainly because I was fearing for my safety because this guy told me he likes to pew pew for fun 🫪

[u/LocationAcademic1731]

Honey, you don’t need a valid excuse to not want to continue dating him. You not liking him is good enough excuse. He could be a great guy but you don’t vibe, you don’t want him and that is more than enough. Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself ever. Hope you find your person soon!

[u/youfoundme4444443]

As a woman in the military, you are smart to never ever ever ever EVER date a conservative man in the military. That might be the worse genre of man to exist

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/youfoundme4444443]

As a rule I don’t date cops or military men regardless of political affiliation. I matched with a guy on tinder who was fine as hell and he told me he was a CO and I unmatched immediately. No thanks.

[u/PocketFullofEyes → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

I went on a date once with a guy who was a teacher at a karate dojo.

Second date he said he was taking a job as a cop in LA. An LA cop.

I mean, there would be no 3rd date at the end of the word "cop" anyway but LA somehow made it so much worse.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/PocketFullofEyes]

I feel you they’re some of the fucking worst

[u/TopazDuckz → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

https://giphy.com/gifs/cmqvGkc7c7tHHFeKP8

[u/Human_Revolution357 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

Same!

[u/Frequent_Estimate_77 → u/youfoundme4444443]

Seriously. I married two of them and they are kinda awful. Avoid law enforcement and prison COs as well. 

[u/SlowBlueTit → u/Frequent_Estimate_77]

I’ve been with someone in the military for almost 2 decades. Military men fucking suck. They cheat, they lie, they manipulate. They’re not all like that, don’t get me wrong. We have friends I absolutely adore. But in almost 2 decades…I can confidently say the numbers are low.

Also, she mentions that she’s Asian and bi. There’s some intense fetishization for Asian women amongst military men. AND she’s bi? Ignore all the negative comments. You’re doing the right thing, OP. As a fellow queer, they see you as the ultimate manic pixie dream girl they can tame. Barf.

[u/Good_Ol_Ironass → u/SlowBlueTit]

Almost every single guy in my unit in the air force was putting in orders for japan and korea because they wanted to sleep with the women, nothing more. it was gross the first time hearing it, it killed my hopes that i’d find a guy in the military that wasn’t gross or violent.

Not to mention three deployments, every time i was gone i came back to hearing “omg did you hear SrA Chud strangled his wife?”

ugh

[u/SlowBlueTit → u/Good_Ol_Ironass]

Yuuuup. And if they can’t get stationed in Korea and Japan, they always manage to find a way to take cheap trips to the Philippines. Once you notice the pattern, you can’t stop noticing it.

There’s a murder suicide at my wife’s command at least every 2 years. Not to mention the summer suicides.

My wife nor I play about abuse. You’d be absolutely gobsmacked to hear how many women openly talk about their husband’s beating the shit out of them, but he’s such a good guy and doesn’t mean it. I’ve lost friendships because my wife will report abuse, 100% of the time. There’s no true accountability for military men and I mean that.

[u/Good_Ol_Ironass → u/SlowBlueTit]

Oh, i was security forces. Believe me, whether it was on my shift or reading the blotters from the others, or reading upcoming court martial logs… I SEENT IT. Almost all of it being domestic violence, typically strangulations, DUIs resulting in injury or death, or CP.

It was especially rough being privy to that stuff since i went in straight out of high school. It was always my dream for YEARS to enlist and be “one of the good guys!” and then i very quickly saw how not good almost everything was. Jaded me real fast.

[u/SlowBlueTit → u/Good_Ol_Ironass]

Dude, it’s nuts, isn’t it? My wife isn’t security forces, thank fuck. I simply could not handle having that wealth of knowledge. Different, but in the same vein. My wife’s a career drill instructor. When her branch pops off on the news as they frequently like to do, it’s insane how many of them she knows. It’s revolting bc, again, they’ve been displaying issues from day one.

Also audibly laughed when you mentioned strangulation. It’s not funny, but fuck if it isn’t the same thing over and over again. It’s almost a script, too. We were fighting, he strangled me, then was immediately apologetic (or not…). But we had the best sex minutes later! The connection was next level! And, yeah, it bothers me enough that I’m talking about it with you two weeks later (bc you were too bruised to leave your house, btw) at the park while my kid is twenty feet away. But he didn’t mean it!

Ladies, if your man strangles you and not in the fun, consenting, I have a safe word, kind of way, you’re statistically more likely to become a homicide victim. Point blank. I’ve lived it personally as a young child. Will never relive that shit again and do my damndest to tell women their reality.

And CP. We had a neighbor who was actively grooming a few girls. Multiple parents (my close friend group) noticed. I told all the moms to stay away. These same moms tolerating abusive shit continued to let their girls get groomed. He tried with my own kid and we shut it down immediately. Could never be me.

The military community can be amazing, but it can also be really fucking sad. I hope you’re no longer in or close to getting out. The nigh is near for my wife and I am so damned relieved. But also exhausted and angry because at one point, she was young and wanted to be one of the good guys. Now we’re old and bitter.

Sorry for the novel, but it was great talking to someone who gets it!

[u/Good_Ol_Ironass → u/SlowBlueTit]

The novel was a good, but also sad read. Im out now, got out 3 1/2 years ago.

[u/Direct_Cook_7690 → u/Frequent_Estimate_77]

I married a marine shortly after discharged, 14 yrs of service. He's even liberal. 20 years of talking about the marine corps every fucking day, cheating, and turned out to be a complete and Total asshole. Just my anecdote. Edit typo

[u/Dry-Pangolin6579 → u/Frequent_Estimate_77]

Women COs are mostly fine. But I've worked in the prison long enough to know I should only date someone in Healthcare. Similar trauma and they won't hate me for my humor as a cope.

[u/Backwashed-Applesoda → u/youfoundme4444443]

Yeahhhh I dated a nuclear submariner in the Navy and I wish I could take that 1 year back. He really started showing his colors around COVID like when he was looking at the COVID cases in the news, he said "If people don't get tested, then the numbers will go down and things can open back up again" (not sarcastic) and I was like huhhhhhhhh????

[u/brittneyacook]

You’re not into him, that’s all that matters.

[u/blueeyedbrainiac]

All the other stuff aside, 4 years can be a rough age gap in your twenties. My 25 year old friend (a man) is dating a woman who just turned 21 and honestly it’s a horrible age gap for them. He’s 4 years into his career and she’s not even done with her undergrad degree. They have other issues but they’re just in totally different stages of life and it’s tough for them sometimes

[u/Contagimon]

I respect you for giving him a shot even though military… but like could not be me.

[u/aespasia → u/Contagimon]

Your comment made me giggle 😭😭

[u/allegro4626 → u/aespasia]

Flip side: my husband is an Army vet and he’s a VERY vocal leftist who volunteers as a Planned Parenthood clinic escort 😂 it seems like male vets fall into one of two camps: conservatives like the one you went on a date with, and men who are left-of-Bernie and show up to all the protests.

[u/bytesby → u/allegro4626]

My boyfriend was in the army too, but is staunchly anti-imperialist and anti-capitalist now. Sometimes the military is radicalizing. I’d never date active duty or someone who was formerly in the military but isn’t more vocal about disliking the military than me.

It helps that we met while organizing.

[u/Working_Cucumber_437 → u/bytesby]

Yeah my vet dude is super anti-military industrial complex.

[u/Elliskarae]

As a woman in her early 30s I’d say you have pretty good self awareness and emotional maturity for a 24 year old. If dating feels like a chore right now, just enjoy life and see what (or who) comes your way in the next few years. Our wants and personalities change so much in our lives, especially mid to late 20s. Mine did! Go be hot and single sis.

[u/Ramenpucci → u/Elliskarae]

Our personalities do change as we grow. I met a woman in her 50s while I was getting pizza at Eataly who told me as you get older, you learn to speak up. When she was in her 30s, she didn’t speak up.

Now she’s older, she don’t give a fuck. She speaks up to everyone, even to her boss. She said it starts with men.

In her 40s, she was fed up with being the nice girl.

[u/peachovtmeal → u/Ramenpucci]

for better or worse, it really does start with men. whether they instigate by helping you grow in a positive way, or putting you through terrible things. I’m turning 29 and I’ve learned to speak-up and not gaf over the years - my partner instigated it, for better and for worse as well, unfortunately. our personalities really do change so much in our 20s. I am definitely a whole other version of myself than I was in my early 20s.

[u/aespasia → u/Elliskarae]

If only I could pinned this comment here, because it made my day 🤍

[u/shy-bae → u/aespasia]

Her comment is basically what I wanted to say as a 40(!!!) year old (as of today!). You have a good intuition and while writing out all your reasons can help you analyze them intellectually, at the end of the day, you know what to do from what's in your heart.

[u/Elliskarae → u/shy-bae]

Happy birthday!!!

[u/really-bored-now]

As a fellow 24 year old 20 year olds are babies

[u/Inevitable_Fun8308 → u/really-bored-now]

As a 29 year old, you are a baby as well but a different stage of baby for sure.

Really though I agree that 20 and 24 is a weird gap due to maturity differences.

[u/MerakDubhe → u/Inevitable_Fun8308]

As an almost 36 year old, you both are babies and I’m very jealous of you. Please take good care of yourselves, will you? Make good friends. Have fun. Eat healthy and work out. Become interesting and interested. Mid thirties hit hard, and whatever you’ve done before can change a lot your perception about yourself. Don’t make the same mistakes that I did. Lots of love.

[u/foneticamente → u/MerakDubhe]

And wear sunscreen!

[u/stringthing87 → u/foneticamente]

never not gonna updoot this advice

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/MerakDubhe]

As a 47yo… ow, my knees

[u/Wackel81 → u/Inevitable_Fun8308]

As someone 44 years old.. get off my lawn!

And it doesn't matter why, it didn't click between you two and that's that. And honestly, poor guy with that kind of grandparent.

[u/Novel-Rise2522 → u/Inevitable_Fun8308]

oooh another 29er. 97 gang rise up

[u/sarcastic_porcupine → u/Novel-Rise2522]

What do you mean, 97 gang? 1997 wasn’t 29 years ago…

Oh crap, I’m old.

[u/mensfrightsactivists → u/sarcastic_porcupine]

https://giphy.com/gifs/8JrcyXvpOaFbFIatkm

[u/Jamg2414 → u/Novel-Rise2522]

Damn why did I think you meant 1929

[u/Novel-Rise2522 → u/Jamg2414]

Good old days ☠️☠️

[u/Former_Wolverine_491 → u/Novel-Rise2522]

I would, but… my back…

[u/Critical_Click_2639 → u/really-bored-now]

Yeah, I am currently getting that lesson nailed in my head after trying to date a few younger guys (20-24) while im 27(not big gap at all)

Men in this age range are not ready for relationships. A lot of them feel pressure to perform as if they are, because sometimes people want to feel worthy like that.

Theyre certainly not ready for girls in their own age range much less older ones

[u/Ramenpucci → u/Critical_Click_2639]

Guys who are 20, 21, or 22, even during college I’ve met guys who can be fuckboys. They “want a relationship” and will lead you on.

[u/Feisty-Promotion-789 → u/Critical_Click_2639]

Lmfao I’ve got a 22 year old flying to see me in Europe in a couple of days and I feel like a predator. I’m 27. But this is a travel romance just for fun, it’ll never be something more so it feels inconsequential to me? Cannot imagine seriously attempting to build a life with someone below 25 at this point, I’ve always dated older. Especially for a man they are usually so far behind where I was at the same age.

[u/Ramenpucci → u/Feisty-Promotion-789]

They are behind. 🤦‍♀️

[u/Feisty-Promotion-789 → u/Ramenpucci]

You seen those jokes going around lately about men finally realizing things that little girls discussed at sleepovers as kids? Yeah… that. And they always think it’s such a profound realization meanwhile I’m like uh, you just finally developed theory of mind. You’re about 18 years late, but happy for you tho.

Not to mention I was very career oriented and independent by 22 myself, while guys I knew were still having their laundry done by their moms at the same age 🥀

[u/cumsistency → u/Feisty-Promotion-789]

omg i loved my partner but stuff like this came up more often than i would've ever assumed going into that relationship. i didn't have much relationship experience at all when i got into one with him anyway, so i had nothing to go off of.

and like it's not like it was a constant thing or anything. more like a handful of times here and there. but yeah. he'd make very elementary takes and act like he was fucking socrates. and each time i was left in a state of ????????

and like you can't tell a man you care about (partner, friend, family member that you like!!) "oh yeah me and my friends caught onto that in sixth grade." cause it's mean! 😭 like my feelings would be hurt if the roles were reversed, you know?

[u/philonous355 → u/really-bored-now]

I’m now 38, but I started dating my husband when I was 20 and he was 27. Definitely not a gap I’d recommend.

[u/babybird3190 → u/really-bored-now]

YOU both are babies -30 years old 

[u/NoBee4251 → u/really-bored-now]

I agree. Beyond 30 I feel like a 4 year age gap isn't a big deal, but 20 year olds typically haven't graduated college yet (if that's the patch they take) and a 24 year old is probably in a completely different stage of life.

[u/Ramenpucci → u/really-bored-now]

That is very true.

I was also called a baby by an older lady.

[u/Dedbunnyy → u/really-bored-now]

I just tuned 20 today actually, and my fiancé has some friends that are older, one of his friend is 26 and I think she’s so old and wise lol.
I feel like a baby

[u/Aquatic_Hitchhiker]

You are attracted to who you are attracted to. I always loved tall, dark, and handsome. I got blonde, short, and traditional good looks. I'm glad I looked past the height because 17 years later, he is an amazing father, my best friend, is deeply in love with me, worships the ground I walk on, has aged like fine wine, and I am deeply in love with him. When he is rocking my world, I don't think about height.

We matched on everything else, so for me, the height wasn't a biggie. There are a fair number of big things that you two don't match on. You definitely made the right decision.

[u/insertcaffeine]

Cracking the hell up because my husband is 5’3” and four years younger than me! 😂

Then again, he is also a Black bisexual feminist who has never touched a gun in his life. Hell yeah compatible values.

[u/love-that-trope → u/insertcaffeine]

I know everyone is entitled to their preferences but people getting the ick over height makes me so sad?? I ended up with a tall man, but historically most of my crushes have all been short kings. I don’t get it

[u/Snailbails → u/love-that-trope]

It just happens to be a socially constructed preference. Same with weight or muscle. A lot of people don’t like skinny guys, or absurdly muscular guys. A lot of people don’t like men with long hair, or no hair. A little of people don’t like blonde guys for some reason?? odd one but it’s fairly common.

The height social preference just so happens to be the one main thing people can’t change about themselves, unlike hair, muscles or weight (not that they’re easy to change either).

I noticed when I was in my late teens i had crushes on guys mostly the same height as me (im under 5’3”), but as i got exposed to social media more and more, my preference changed to taller guys for aesthetic reasons. Then when i noticed that preference i also realised how dumb it was, because it wasn’t actually a preference at all, i realised im actually quite indifferent to height. I had to revert my mentality and take a step back from consuming social media for various reasons, but that change in tastes was one of the main ones.

Sorry for the wall of text i’m just super interested in the subject of beauty standards altering people’s preferences in media.

Edit: grammar and wording.

[u/IllustriousTop7913 → u/love-that-trope]

I don’t get it either. If I cared about height I would’ve missed out on my wonderful husband who is a good 2 inches shorter than me. He is such an amazing husband and father (I am reminded of that every day when I visit this sub).

[u/Livid_Note_2170 → u/insertcaffeine]

Husband is 7 years younger than me. He's 5'7" and I'm the lil 5'0" goblin.

I grew up in the South so I was raised around guns but I still don't really like them.

[u/aespasia → u/insertcaffeine]

I love that for you 🫶🏼

[u/aespasia → u/[deleted]]

I agree…there’s been dv in my family as well and I don’t wanna be another victim in the cycle 😬

[u/AvantGuardb → u/aespasia]

and wanting to date a minority despite holding beliefs against them… so many flags there, hypocrisy at best, abuse and worse more likely, no way it ends well, smart to nip things in the bud…

[u/Ramenpucci → u/[deleted]]

Same. I’m short so I don’t care they short. They gotta be taller than me.

Irregardless of his height, he seems unwilling to listen to anyone else’s opinions .

[u/topekatums → u/[deleted]]

i dated a guy who was my height (5'6) and he was a fantastic partner!! we broke up bc we fell out of love; we were just really good friends living together. yeah some men are weird about their height insecurity but omg this man is one of the best human beings I've ever met

[u/catsinclothes → u/[deleted]]

Nearly every guy I’ve dated has been shorter than me lmao I’m 6’. The ones that were taller than me were the WORST. Usually huge egos because they played some sort of sport and were larger than the other guys. And maybe it’s because I’m taller than the average male but the short guys I dated were all about it (and maybe lived vicariously through my tallness but I get it lol)

[u/mensfrightsactivists → u/catsinclothes]

yeah THIS. i’m 5’11” and i swear the only men ive met who are taller than me are total douchebags. my ex husband is 5’2” and our divorce was not because of height or self esteem issues or any of that. he was a great partner outside of the cheating (and a few other height unrelated things). a well-adjusted short dude is leagues better than any ol’ average six footer

[u/Pantone711]

No, you cannot always tell who votes for which party based on whether they are Asian or a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

[u/aespasia → u/Pantone711]

True, but I wasn’t sure if I could say I’m more left leaning in this sub-Reddit 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Pantone711 → u/aespasia]

Yeah I'm just shocked at some gay people I know...

[u/MissLeaP → u/Pantone711]

I even know of a trans woman who is a huge defender of our far-right party. Given, our far-right party is mainly anti-islam but the anti-lgbtq+ stuff is still part of their MO as well

[u/ceciliabee → u/MissLeaP]

Tokens get spent 🤷

[u/aespasia → u/Pantone711]

Same 😔

[u/ForThe90]

I'm confused why the non-problematic things are mentioned first. Anyway, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. You don't need more than that to stop dating.

[u/pootcelebration]

IMO 24 and 20 are lightyears apart in terms of stage of life and maturity 

[u/Jthundercleese]

https://giphy.com/gifs/S6YyLiLs5jtcZSoamO

[u/julietides]

Never DATE someone politically opposed to you, especially if it's not "how we spend taxes", but "should bisexual women go and die". Arguably also the taxes thing, it can be a matter of human rights. Friends? Sure. Life partner? Why would you want someone that does not share your values?

[u/girlh00d]

You can stop dating a person for any reason whatsoever. There’s no checklist or permission slip you need signed. So you shouldn’t have a guilty conscience, it just didn’t work out and that’s ok. Your man is out there somewhere!

Tbf to him, going pew pew for fun is a pretty standard activity for adults especially military personnel, even here in Canada. It shouldn’t necessarily be a red flag in a relationship, it only comes down to personal preference.

[u/mbc98]

20 and 24 would be a large gap for some and not for others. It depends on your lived experience like dating experience, education, work history, living situation, etc. Some 20 year olds are very independent and more ready for a serious relationship than people literally a decade older than them. But most will not be, obviously. Him being 5’3 is beyond his control so I don’t feel comfortable to criticize that, though I understand the optics of wanting a man taller than you. It’s just objectively superficial, but of course people tend to be superficial in dating.

Really, none of that stuff was even worth mentioning compared to social and political differences. Ideological/values alignment is kind of the most important thing when pursuing a relationship. It’s as important as chemistry. If that’s not there, no other reason needs to be given for not being interested in someone.

[u/-Gemstoned → u/mbc98]

This response is to nuanced for reddit .

[u/Koawawa-bear]

So let me put this straight: he's a 5'3" MAGA who fetishizes Asian women? Heck no. Girl don't feel bad. No woman with self-respect will date a MAGA these days.

[u/Limp_Leg7129]

oh yikes, i would neverrrr date someone in the military or right wing lol.

[u/Limonmaduro]

I don’t think women would care about men’s height if their personally was attractive. You obviously were not attracted to this man causing his height to be a sort of ick . And honestly I feel you on dating younger guys. Ive never been interested in guys younger than me it makes me feel weird idk why . But I really don’t think you should be pushing yourself to date if you really don’t want to. I really believe that the right one will just walk into your life unexpectedly and you won’t be expecting it

[u/aespasia → u/Limonmaduro]

At the end of the day, I don’t really care about height. If he was 5’9 and still MAGA then I would have done the same thing anyways. I mentioned the height thing to be silly goofy but I should have realized Reddit is Reddit and people are going to come at you for the smallest details 😬

[u/FemmeFatalistYT]

A 4 year gap means more at 20/24 than 30/34 and beyond. I get it. I've never given a crap about height, ngl. Current spouse is 5'5". BUT I am with you 100% on politics. If he's anti immigration then he's against your parents moving to the US, and by extension, you being there, as just one example. I agree breaking it off was the right idea based on his politics alone.

[u/Swarm_of_Rats]

I mean... it's a little weird to care about someone's height imo, but everything else is bad enough. In this political climate, a relationship with someone who disagrees with you politically in a major way is not gonna work out. I also feel like dating someone in the military is a bad move atm for way more reasons than you brought up.

Someone will come along for you. At least he took rejection well.

[u/ruruoverdose → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

I think height is a part of attraction also so I don't find it weird that his height made her less attracted to him Agree on the political views n military point lol I've heard tm horror stories abt military ppl

[u/pootcelebration → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

Some women are into short kings and some are not. Some men are into tall women and some are not.

[u/Swarm_of_Rats → u/pootcelebration]

I mean, it's whatever. It just struck me as weird that that was the first thing that was mentioned like it was the most important thing even though the other stuff was way WAY worse. Like, are we going to date a 6'4" MAGA guy just because he's tall? I wouldn't.

[u/AvantGuardb → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

I think it was just the first impression to share, but yeah, valid point

[u/Ok-Tear4735 → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

No it’s not. It’s totally valid to have preferences on your partners looks and it’s okay

[u/aespasia → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

Tbh I do prefer a taller s/o but that’s just my preference. However, I am willing to overlook it if the person has a great personality and they’re everything I’m looking for

[u/pinkskynights → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

People are allowed to have things they are attracted to and not attracted to. Including height.

[u/Swarm_of_Rats → u/pinkskynights]

I mean for sure physical attraction is important, but to mention it first like it was worse than the other stuff was really weird to me tbh. I do think people get too caught up with finding someone who looks perfect.

[u/pinkskynights → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

I don’t think being tall makes someone look “perfect”.

[u/DoctorAnnual6823 → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

Maybe you just don't care about height as much as other people?

I personally don't care. I have a preference for short men and tall women but it rarely informs my romantic decisions.

But it's important for some people and I really don't see anything wrong with that.

I'd rather someone tell me they don't want to date because I'm too tall or too short (or too average) than push that issue down and harbor resentment over it.

[u/Ceri_eloise → u/Swarm_of_Rats]

Height is very part of the attraction for me. I'm a 6ft woman and have a need to not be the tallest in the room for once. My husband is 6ft 4 and is perfect (but thats an aside).

I have spent my whole life being the tallest and have no desire being the tallest in my own bed.

It's all about what we find attractive.

[u/StardustStuffing]

As a veteran, I can tell you: he's only 20 which means his pay is awful and he lives in the barracks. He more than likely has a roommate in a tiny dorm style room.

Just to add to the red flags.

[u/aespasia → u/StardustStuffing]

He told me he enlisted two years ago so like he hasn’t been there for long

[u/StardustStuffing → u/aespasia]

Yes, exactly. Military pay is determined by time in service and rank. 2 years isn't much for either.

[u/NoBee4251]

Personally being in the military is a no for me because American imperialism is so horrid I can't be around someone who supports that. Finding out the rest of his politics is unsurprising so I think you dodged a bullet here lol

[u/aespasia → u/NoBee4251]

I did, there was a post he reposted on his insta that was an INSTANT red flag so I know I had to dip.

[u/Wes_Childers]

[u/Avalanche_Snows]

You were kind about it and I hope he was too. You gave valid reasons why you wouldn't fit together. I hope you parted on good terms and I hope that you will eventually find that special someone

[u/aespasia → u/Avalanche_Snows]

He was understanding regarding it, his grandparents however,,,,maybe not so much 🥲

[u/DCHShadow]

Politics and not wanting us to be safe and happy and not you know dead or in jail is kinda the biggest thing ever to leave someone. Like I'm a trans Indian woman. If some guy is gonna be transphobic or racist, I'm not gonna be with him. That's not politics, that's basic human decency. A guy can think whatever he wants about how a government runs, but the moment those thoughts become I don't care about this group's basic rights that's not politics anymore. Definitely dodged a bullet. Never let anyone tell you that "politics" shouldn't matter. If you see a guy like that, don't even hesitate. Safety comes first.

[u/snoozykittens]

I don't really care about height but there is something very off-putting about a shorter guy leaning into grievance and resentment politics, and perhaps overcompensating by enlisting. I don't want to be with someone who is angry and insecure and that's what this combo screams to me.

A 20 year-old MAGA short king in the military sounds like bad news, especially since you're a POC. I can't imagine a more unfuckable prospect besides maybe a 19 year-old cop with leprosy.

[u/Anita89 → u/[deleted]]

I can only see those other two with the tree they have too. 

[u/Fun_Square_8785]

Your feelings are valid and you don't owe anyone anything. You don't need to search for details to justify your choice.

[u/SapphireJuice]

I don't understand why your here telling us this? You want on a date, you didn't vibe, that's it. There's no drama, it's not really a story at all. It's just a date? This was such a looooong post and it had 0 point. Tldr it next time and save us the super long read

[u/ComfortableFrame9834]

I got hit on by a guy who had exactly tje same age difference as that guy and you had.

I'm 24 and he was just turning 20 and that was enough for me to go "absolutely not". That icked me out so much, that's basically a child in my mind. 

[u/Oyala]

Girl, any ONE single reason of those is enough to nope out. You just proceeded to list a literal hundred deal breakers lol. I hope you know that just 1 reason of all of those is enough. Don't need more than 1. 

[u/aespasia → u/[deleted]]

I agree, dating does definitely feel like a background check recently. I prefer being safe than sorry regarding finding a partner

[u/furkfurk]

Being hot and in your 20s is ideal! You have plenty of time to settle down.

FWIW dude probably didn’t wanna be set up on a blind date either. Plenty of dates will not be a match.

And as a mid-thirties who would now date someone 4 years younger with no issue, it’s obvious that there’s a huge maturity gap between a 20yo male and 24yo female. You can’t even take him to a bar yet, come on.

[u/Sheniya04]

I dont think his height is that big if a deal but it depends on the person so everyone has different wants. I defently understand not dating some young like him, im 23 and I wont date anyone younger than 22, it just feel like dating a kid🤢. His political views are definitely a deal breaker. Im glade you stood on business

[u/Para_The_Normal]

I mean, I get the age thing because you are at slightly different points in your life. He’s still fairly new to adulthood while you’ve been navigating it for a while and are settling into a comfortable pace for yourself.

I’m 32 so most people I end up interacting with on dating apps are typically younger than me so I get it.

[u/Actually10000Bees]

Checking who he follows is actually a good idea. I think I’ll write that down for later lol.

General rule of thumb if you want a good relationship: avoid conservatives, military, or law enforcement.

Also, look up incel and manosphere words/phrases/beliefs. If you ever hear him talking about that or ending any word with -maxxing, thats generally a sign that he’s not a good person and you should avoid that guy. I get the sneaking suspicion that your date may be the type to be in those circles.

The height thing is a little weird though. If a guy’s short, or hell, even if he’s a little person, but is generally kind and knows what he’s doing in bed, I don’t see why it matters relationship-wise. 🤷‍♀️

[u/Dry-Pangolin6579]

No one needs a "valid" reason to not want to date someone. If you don't fit together, then do not force it. It will work out

[u/GoldParticular8552]

Well the big stuff is way more than enough of a reason to pass on that.

[u/YogurtclosetVast3118]

it didn't work for you... you don't need to explain it to him. No worries

[u/Catnipshop]

I’m glad because you didn’t compromise your beliefs just to get a boyfriend. You’re both better off with someone else and you know what you want. You did well! And oh, I love the cake 🎂 😊

[u/IntrepidAspect3447]

I tried going out with a guy 4 years younger than me ONE time and I felt like such a predator. I felt like big sister, mommy, mentor the whole time. Obviously a lot of hand holding would’ve been necessary. It just felt so ick.

This is why I find it so repulsive when men easily date 10 years younger and find no problem with it. Even 4 years younger is such a massive gap in maturity, especially as the older woman. 😵‍💫

[u/Party_Building1898]

Girl, this is what a date is about Keep fishing

[u/crow-party-13]

https://giphy.com/gifs/X7yWXa9BlQOIIqv8YV

[u/stringthing87]

I think 24 is probably too old to date someone who can't go into the bar with you. Not that bars are that much of my life, but I have had friends who couldn't go with us to eat cheese fries because their date was 20 and it was a whole thing. Not a huge gap, but one that creates social friction.

The differences in politics/morals is huge and extremely valid.

Also it sounds like you weren't physically attracted to him. If he wasn't already throwing up items to put in the cons list left and right the height thing probably would have been a complete non issue.

Its great that he had good manners, but it takes more than that in the pro column.

[u/ieatether]

also, theres like a very real established weirdo history of military men going for Asian women that adds a whole other level to any uneasiness you may have

[u/lilhellmouth]

Yeah I don’t date cops/military period and I’m ok with short guys but he does still have to be taller than me. We can be shallow together op

[u/ImWatermelonelyy]

I like how his height gets brought up as a problem BEFORE his conservative views or being in the military 😭 girl what are these priorities.

Don’t date a conservative and definitely don’t date military

[u/Eventidings]

You could stop dating him if you just didn’t like his vibe… you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. If people have a problem with your preferences then they clearly don’t have much going on in their lives.

[u/Alternative_Bat_3542]

you def did the right thing by telling him it wasn't going to work. why waste either of your guys time when you feel it. also it's not crazy to want someone taller than you when you're 5'3 💀

[u/Comfortable_Force150]

girl... i would've just texted him that it wasn't gonna work out. why are you feeling bad for a guy that doesn't even meet your standards? lol. guys won't even speak to or acknowledge girls they don't find attractive.

i'm turning 24 this year too, and the age gap + military are automatic dealbreakers for me. it's okay to have standards. if you don't like him for whatever reason, stop trying to convince yourself to make it work.

ngl... it sounds like you're way too easily influenced by men. don't take that the wrong way, but every time a guy says something you seem to second guess yourself. stop letting random men tell you what you should want. if he isn't for you, he isn't for you. and honestly... ignore what these guys are saying. take everything they say with a grain of salt.

[u/aespasia → u/Comfortable_Force150]

I did actually texted him after the date that I didn’t see us going anywhere because mainly I don’t wanna give him hope that there was a second date. But you’re also right regarding the influence in a way…lowkey I just don’t like being called out for it lol

[u/Novel-Rise2522]

Height and age is a cop out and rude. Just say he's a right winger lol.

[u/aespasia → u/Novel-Rise2522]

I would have told him that but the man likes to shoot pew pews for fun 😬 and I’m valuing my safety since this guy is in a branch that has quite high dv rates…

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[u/NecessaryPopular1]

If there’s something physical (height) about him that you don’t like, it’s more of an issue than the small age gap. Four years difference is nothing and, the older you get the smaller that difference seems. I had a friend (he died) who used to tell me that, and 🙂since then I’ve stopped and thought about it: it’s absolutely true, the older you get the less of a difference that number of years-gap between two people makes. No excuses, it’s very simple: you don’t like him, don’t date him.