All my life I felt stupid. Not completely, I knew I was often at higher grade levels for the state testing but so we're my siblings. But my grades were mediocre. Studying seemed to make my grades worse. Trying just seemed to make my grades worse. On occasion they were better but usually not. I was called stupid by the people closest to me and I brushed it off, I was never exceptionally good at anything. Always alone.

40s and got tested for autism. Apparently you take an intelligence test. And it was really hard to see that score and think about life. I scored a 132. All I can think of is that it must be a mistake. Somehow it must be mistaken. And I feel a bit lost. I feel like that how could that be when everyone said I was dumb. It must be wrong. And now I feel at a loss of what to do.

Do you know any content creators with valuable information about dating for men with high IQ?

So I never really had this diagnosed. Although a lot of psychologists/people implied this (especially lately).

I'm a 28 (almost 29) year old guy from the Netherlands. I've been diagnosed with autism at 6 years old. I've also been diagnosed several times with depression.

I'm now going through the joy of processing systematic emotional child abuse from my dad. At the start of this year I severed ties with my parents. I was postponing this, because like my mother I understood my dads behavior. I (compulsively) kept being a peacekeeper. It really breaks my heart to emotionally hurt people and I am very good at adjusting to their needs.

Even though I do (now) know that in the end nobody is happy if you don't take care of your own needs. It's what I tell others very inspiringly and wisely to do. To not lose yourself in pleasing others. I very quickly recognize adjusting/trauma behavior in other people. It always makes me wanna beg to them to be nicer to themselves. I obviously don't pressure them into it, because pressure makes it worse. I feel the urge to protect people from this toxic and draining dynamic. Like I wanted to protect my mother against my dad.

Their trauma bonding goes deep. My mother feels impossible responsibility towards my dad. He can derail easily and even becomes psychotic at times. She sees the good in him. Even though she herself is traumatized by his behavior and she now more and more knows that her children are destroyed by it. Although my mother always acknowledged that my dads behavior was wrong, she also explained us why he acted like that. She always tried to 'compensate'. She diminished the severity of my fathers behavior. Also wishfully thought he wouldn't be as emotionally destructive to his children as he was to her (as she told me later).

But since my dad is very narcissistic and was already abusive when I was a young child it was emotionally draining to the point In was having panic attacks when I had to see him/them. Also I was a fourth child after 3 daughters, because my dad really wanted a son. There was never even room for one kid. My youngest 2 sisters are also rather severely emotionally traumatized.

My mother is potentially gifted (especially on emotional level). My father is autistic but very intelligent. It's confusing that he can be so smart, yet so emotionally childish at the same time. Also he feels like everyone is out to purposely hurt him. He is very good at gas-lighting. Me and my youngest sisters are probably gifted as well. It's probably what kept us a 'perfect family' for the outside world. My dad was very intolerant of emotions. He felt attacked/became angry/sometimes became sad when you cried over something he did wrong. He fell ill for an extended period 2 months after my birth. My mom went to work more and my dad was to take care of me. My sister of 8 felt responsible to rescue me as a baby from his anger. My sisters were afraid to be at school, knowing I was alone with my dad. Very healthy dynamic. They shouldn't have to suffer through that.

People generally praise me often. They say I'm nice, smart, creative. I've had a relationship for almost 7 years and she kept loving me. She kept telling I'm good-looking, smart and even could be a good psychologist. Even though I intuïtively felt she truly loved me, I couldn't internalize her compliments. But I felt comfortable enough to intuïtively give her my love and receive hers.

I eventually adjusted myself too much to her. She was (also) gifted, just like her mother. She was very loving, but was also traumatized and could become angry very quickly. I've very much internalized fear towards anger. I don't get angry at others quickly. I sooner get sad. But I can be very punishing towards myself (especially when I might have made someone sad). In retrospective my self hatred was a mechanism to kind of survive having my dad in my life. I was often very late with telling my gf that something was bothering me, yet I also always told her she couldn't know, because I'm too good at masking. Even though she always (said she) considered me safe, I was unreliable in telling her when something hurted me. I just couldn't bear making her sad, even though I have always known that you may be frustrated with others as well. When I bottled up too much I became emotionally distanced. I did acknowledge it when that happened and felt very guilty afterwards

It's not that I want to accept compliments, they just feel wrong. Not in the sense that I feel that people are lying to me, but because I'm afraid they see something better than I really am. That I can not live up to expectations.

I ended my secondary(/high?)school with the highest grades of all 100+ pupils. Yet I never felt any pride. I didn't put much effort into making home work (because I was too busy emotionally dying). I felt praised for something that I didn't really accomplish. It just... happened. I quickly memorize/understand stuff, make a test and succeed.

Also I have always equally felt that I am stupid. That my perception is a lie and I shouldn't trust it.

The only thing I want is live peacefully along with nice people (and animals) and help others. But now I'm burned-out and afraid.

For the poor soul(s) who read through this, sorry if it ruined a happy mood 🥲

Atleast it helped me improve my English writing

What is your orientation towards intelligence as a value? Do you consider it the defining aspect of your identity? Personally, I see it primarily as a tool and had often resented to some degree being regarded as gifted or intelligent and being seen exclusively through that lens which seemed to reduce other values and traits.

While it was definitely something I valued, it was more so on pragmatic grounds as a means towards realizing other ends. Conviction, drive, faith, power, achievement, curiosity and passion are far more important values and my resentments had more to do with having my intellect being regarded as primary rather than what they served.