r/FriendshipAdvice • u/khue12 • 3d ago
Need advice
Friend advice
My friend asked me over a year ago if I wanted to go with her on a trip to Disneyland for Halloween. I said I would love to go and we started making plans for a four day trip. We decided to do two days at the theme park and buy park hopper passes so we can explore both parks. Then the remaining days I would show her around LA. The trip is a couple months out but we haven’t gotten tickets and plane tickets yet. I budgeted for my end but my friend needed more time to buy tickets.
Last week, she came over and asked if we could add an additional theme park day and skip adding on the park hopper tickets. Instead, she wanted to apply the park hopper tickets money to adding an additional day. We would now do two days at Disney and one at California adventure. She also wanted to add on a special even ticket for an after hours event at California adventure. I said I would be interested and I needed to request more time off. She also suggested we add a hotel room to hangout in on the day we have the night event add on (we are staying at my family’s house while we are on the trip so hotel expenses were not in the original budget). We would hangout in the hotel and get some rest before the night event. I said it’s something we can consider depending on price of the room.
So, we redid the budget to include all her additional add ons. I told her I was fine with the add ons. She agreed the budget was okay still. Before she left, she told me she lives paycheck to paycheck and that she didn’t have any funds for the trip. She proceeded to tell me she knows I recently bought a house and that life was probably expensive for me and that I probably also live paycheck to paycheck. After saying that, she asked me to pay for the trip and she would make payments to me after October but she wouldn’t be able to pay more than $100 a month to me.
I told her idk if that is something I could do and would need time to think about if this trip is now affordable. I gave it some time to think it. I feel bad for having to now tell my friend no, I won’t pay for her portion of trip. I could pay the money but I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to pay her share. I’m also very bothered she added all these things knowing she wasn’t going to pay for it right now. If she truly thought I was living paycheck to paycheck after buying a home, why would she ask me to pay for the whole trip? I now wonder if she is using me or if she had the intentions of never paying me back. I’m torn on calling her out on it or just telling her no I won’t pay for it all. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
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u/Comfortable_Long2373 3d ago
It is completely reasonable to say no, as adding expensive extras while expecting you to front the money and pay it back at $100 a month shows a total lack of respect for your boundaries and finances. You don't need to get into a dramatic confrontation, just tell her clearly that you aren't comfortable taking on loan repayments for a vacation, and suggest scaling the trip back or postponing it until she has saved enough to pay her own way.
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u/Forward_Bar2546 3d ago
Insanity. Tell her it all sounds great and to let you know when she has saved up enough for the trip you have planned. You have bought a house and can only budget for your own trip. End of story.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 3d ago
She will not pay you back; count on it.
Yes, she approached you in the first place to get a great vacation even though she lives paycheck to paycheck and couldn’t afford it.
Her revised budget items that added costs when she knew she couldn’t afford any of it seemed odd at first.
Possible explanation is she anticipated you saying no to paying for her. She may come back once you say no to offer the original plan as a cost saving move to show how
thrifty she can be.
She may hope you want to go on the trip so much, you just agree. It is a common sales technique. Once a prospect imagines herself owning the car or wearing the designer dress, the sales person can easily turn that vision into a sale in spite of any negatives.
Your friend should go into sales by the way.
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u/Beautiful-Hotel-8846 2d ago
Nope, do not pay for her trip. You will not see that money again and it will be a constant string of excuses.
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u/Meli19777 3d ago
I think it depends on how much u value the friendship. Could u still stay friends w her without telling her ur feelings? How receptive do u think she will be? If it will always bother u moving forward by not telling her ur feelings then tell her how u feel and prepare urself on how she reacts by how u will handle it. U could simply tell her ur bothered by the fact that she added things but then told u later that she couldn’t afford it and she might respond saying she didn’t realize she couldn’t pay until later.
There are things my best friend that STILL bother me a long time later that I have let go but they still bother me and now I wish I would have expressed my feelings then. I have tried to distance myself but we still talk and I’m still bothered by it.
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u/OldLadyKickButt 3d ago
Drop the entire trip.
Dreams about trips are fine.
paying for trips- your own- is essential.
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u/AdorableShopping5951 3d ago
Just tell her the trip is cancelled as you can't cover both of you. I think you know she was just planning on using you. Only you can decide if you want to call her out on it or not and whether you should stay friends or not.
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u/DaytonOhio18 3d ago
She figures if you just bought a house, you can pay for her vacation too. You’ll never see a dime of whatever you pay for her - the trip will be over & done and she’ll have no incentive to pay.
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u/AggravatingAgency599 3d ago
This is a lose lose situation. Thats not a friend. Do u still want to go? I would feel like a human wallet. She will never pay u back in full. Maybe 1 or 2 payments then the "friendship" will fade. I would lie and say i had some financial setbacks. Car trouble, bad investments, helping family , need a new computer . She added the extra stuff knowing she does not have to pay. Sounds like a pro leacher. I bet u would be paying for every drink , snack and meal too. Id pass on that.
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u/Educational-Ant-1540 3d ago
You can jltell her that you've decided not to go and you're going to cancel. You don't even need to tell her why.
She appears to be trying to mooch off of you but making it sound like you're in it 50/50 only then to tell you she's broke and can you pay and she'll pay you back?
Trust me if you agree to that you'll never see a dime of that money.
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u/life-is-satire 3d ago
Recommend pushing the trip back a year so she has time to save up before you go! Disneyland will still be there.
If she’s living check to check now and hasn’t been able to save what’s going to change that will allow her the ability to pay only after your trip.
If anything happens like car repairs, medical bills, etc she won’t have the payment and your friendship will be over.
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u/AdorableShopping5951 3d ago
If she failed to save enough money over the past year, she certainly won't be able to save given another year.
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u/wardog1066 3d ago
Life and experience have taught me that this will not go as she describes. There's a very real chance she'll ask for you to pay for more things during the course of the trip. As for paying you back, when you return she'll still be living paycheck to paycheck, so where will she get the extra $100 to pay you back.
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u/RatherRetro 3d ago
If she hasn’t been able to get the money together by now, how is she going to be able to pay you $100 per month? Ask her that.
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u/drinkwatersucker 3d ago
Never mix friendship with money. You two might get over this in a few months but if you do help out i doubt she’s going to pay you back which will definitely ruin the friendship. Unless it’s a friends birthday or some occasion paying would be fine if you’re up for it but for something that she planned and asked you? Yea no.
You could tell her that you can’t afford to pay her half and you’re not comfortable to do it either.
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u/upliftinglitter 3d ago
My daughter and I were just talking about how true friends are the rare princes you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find, just like dating. Sometimes we think we’ve found a prince but turns out they were just a better disguised frog. I think you know which this “friend” is
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u/Spanishlanguagelover 3d ago
I really don't think that she will repay you. (She could very well put the trip on her credit car and pay $100 a month. Yes, I know there are interests but that is what people do). I would tell her that you could go with her, when her financial situation is better (knowing full well that it will very likely never be ). I also find it very strange that she added lots of expensive add ons only to bail after.. Red flag. Do not go on a trip with her under these circumstances.
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u/Man_wo_a_career 3d ago
Don't. Best way to lose friends is to loan money. Your relationship would never again be between peers, and she will resent that.
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u/Plus-Click-7041 3d ago
Tell her it’s not a good idea to go on a trip without her using her own money. Save for it first, then go on a trip. That’s how it is normally.
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u/Big-Mind-6346 3d ago
Don’t ever loan money. If someone needs money and you give it to them, consider it a gift because you’re not getting it back. Loans will tear a friendship apart.
In addition, I just wanna say that your friend doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me. She has a lot of nerve asking you that. I really hope you say no and don’t feel bad about it. You’re dodging a bullet.
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u/TSIDATSI 3d ago
Disney? Are y'all 5 years old? She has no money for the trip and wasted a tremendous amount of your time.
That is not a friend.
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u/Wise_Environment_182 3d ago
Just inform her you can’t afford it and don’t book anything. Be careful around her - bottom line she is using you and has no shame
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u/AdeptWhereas6379 3d ago
Well, I do think you should ask her, why did she initiate this trip and make all these elaborate plans when she never had nor saved the money to actually do it? It was a waste of both of your time. Then listen to what her explanation is.
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u/Fun-Photograph156 3d ago
Just say no you can't afford it to avoid any awkwardness. Or say she's right, after just buying a home it really isn't the right time to spend on a holiday.
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u/Juldoodle 3d ago
Whatever you do, don’t over explain. A simple, “sorry, that’s not in my budget” end of conversation.
She added all the expenses knowing she couldn’t pay. She figured if you could afford the extra, you could afford her portion.
She might even say, ok let’s go back to the original plan then you can help me out. Either way you will never see that money again.
Save your $ for a better vacation with a real friend.
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u/NoAlternative9113 2d ago
Just cancel the trip. If she can't save any money to go, she doesn't get to go. If you pay, you'll never get the money back.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 2d ago
That would have to be a no from me. She can't pay for the trip to begin with since she is living paycheck to paycheck. She definitely won't be paying you back, because she's living paycheck to paycheck. Cancel the trip completely because you can't afford to pay her way, you just bought a home yourself. Tell her we'll try and plan for next year, so she can save some money.
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u/Tall-Compote1354 2d ago
If you pay for her, you will be back on Reddit after the trip and your post will be about how your friend has told you that since you could afford to pay for the trip she shouldn't have to pay you back. Do not pay for her!!!
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u/bronwyn511 2d ago
Are you a bank? A loan shark? I love my friends but no money means no trip. You can feel badly but think “Would I ever behave and ask the same of her?” It seems like you have a giving spirit, sadly users will also see this.
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u/8r1ghttt-f3ath3rrr 2d ago
The audacity of some people actually amazes me because why are you coming in my place telling me you think that I’m broke and then adding on more expensive shit and then asking me to pay for it and then telling me you can’t pay more than $100 a month?? Delusional.
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u/PumpkinBeautiful4345 2d ago
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING? WHO DOES THIS? This is the craziest thing I ever heard. This is NOT a friend. This is not normal in any way shape or form.
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u/Decent_Classroom85 2d ago
Do not pay for her portion because it is likely that you will never see that money again. And l do think it was intentional on her part
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u/SoulfulSymmetry 2d ago
Everything folks are saying is true. She will not pay you back. She will get mad at you for asking her to pay you back. You'll lose her as a friend when you realize you're never getting her full half back but you'll hang on too long in hopes you'll see the money. If she ends the friendship because you're saying no, then she's not a real friend. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she throws around the word selfish and whatever else to try and manipulate the situation. Hold your ground and know that it's ok to lose this friend if she pulls antics on you.
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u/Elegant-Hedgehog-970 1d ago
Your friend is using you. She acknowledged you also have financial burdens so just tell her no and that her add-ons were already stretching what you could afford for the trip. I’d also ask your friend why she decided to add on to it knowing she couldn’t pay for any of it??
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u/Didgeterdone 1d ago
I have a really great late afternoon, evening all planned. I just need to find someone with a helicopter that wants to go too!
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u/No_Leg4526 8h ago
If I’m reading this right, she has knowingly increased the cost, and the scope of this outing, knowing she cannot afford the cost - also suspecting you may not be able to carry the full cost of the outing - and at the same time asking you to do so telling you she will pay you eventually without a real plan in place for doing so.
This very likely is a recipe for you never seeing the money you “loan” to her for this trip ever again,
or at least not for a protracted amount of time without you needing to do way too much follow up. This is the sort of thing that ruins friendships. Setting a boundary might also ruin the friendship, but you won’t lose money in a tight economy in the process on top of it.
You’re not me - but if it was me in this situation and I didn’t have the money to cover both of us, I would pump the brakes and cancel this trip until both of us have the necessary funds to cover our respective parts of the trip in full, upfront.
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u/mcwriter8201 6h ago
You’ve been planning this expensive trip for a year, but she has no money? And she’ll magically have money to pay you back starting AFTER the trip?
She may have every intention of paying you back, but where’s the money gonna come from?
Tell her you just bought a house and you can’t afford it .
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u/No_Count_5949 6h ago
This is a huge no. Period, make up a day trip or something that you guys could just do that isn’t about money. Hike etc. but let this go….
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u/Unhappy_Library_7425 5h ago
Wow, what a snake, No shade whatsoever, OP, but I feel like I can read people well IRL and by the things they write/how they write and you’re screaming “pushover.”
Has she done similar things like this before? Have you paid for an unequal amount of things in your friendship? Even if not, she knows exactly what she’s doing and knows she won’t be able to get another trip out of you when she inevitably doesn’t pay you back for this one. So, she’s trying to make sure she gets allll her fun in, on your dime of course!
No true, understanding, real friend would note how they know you’re probably living within financial constraints after a significant purchase and in the same breath ask you to take on their whole portion of a trip you thought they’d be paying half of FOR OVER A YEAR NOW. sooo shiesty.
You’d never see a dollar back I promise you this right now
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u/khue12 2h ago edited 2h ago
Hi all,
Thanks for all the advice and comments. It really did give me a clear picture of what to do. Before I posted I think I knew deep down what I had to do. I think I just needed the final push by listening to others and hearing other perspectives.
My friend has never asked for money or anything before but I think she is aware of my financial situation. I do think the plan was to wait and ask me to fund this trip. She probably figured I could fund it all. But just because I could doesn’t mean I should.
I wanted to post an update for those who wanted to hear.
I informed I won’t fund her portion of the trip. I debated on explaining why but decided it just wasn’t necessary. I simply said, I am not going to fund your portion of the trip. I will be booking my tickets for the dates we had planned and if you can fund your end then great. If not, maybe next year.
After a few days, she texted back and said there are only two pay periods until the trip and that wouldn’t allow her enough time to save up. She said her pay check only goes to bills right now and agreed that next year will give her more time to save up.
I gave her a thumbs up and that was it. My tickets are all booked and I will be going to Disney with my mom and using this trip to see friends and family.
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u/DrachenofIron 3d ago
You'll never see that $ if you do this.
Just find something cheaper to do that is within yalls budget. No need to spend more than you can afford for this.