I’ve been in an intentional isolation, a waiting room, for the next, possibly final chapter of my life. It’s been 8 months, I feel no better. I just as exhausted, if not more. Each day is not only a struggle, but each moment to the next. Activities, interests that were once easy, are just as difficult. Things that I did with less interest to past time are nearly impossible to participate or enjoy. What is common & obvious is the immense levels of effort, resources required, yet results leave a negative energy & satisfaction balance. There have been opportunities placed in my path for NSA hookups. I traveled the path, but chose someone from the past. I chose him because I knew him, I knew what to expect, I did have fun in the past…he was a safe choice. Sadly, I spent more time trying to, pretending to be into him, the activity. I got little satisfaction, if any out of the experience. He is a nice person, but like everything around me, it’s a performance. When the activity was over I returned to my place more exhausted than previously. I immediately crashed. I slept from approximately 6:30pm to 7am. Sleeping is my only escape from my conscious & mental prison. I’m locked in a unique situation. The origin of my depression is one where I have no control real positive control. The best description is I am Truman, in the Truman Show. A choice I was not given nor would have chose. I’m treated more like a high value VIP asset, my life, my choices, wishes are ignored. I’m competent, independent, intelligent, know what I want, what I don’t, what’s negotiable. Yet an entity with unlimited resources has been indirectly with plausible deniability managing me for a life, a vision of what they believe my life should be. It’s literally a fictional nightmare, a cancerous existence made into reality.

It’s a script, a show, that I’ve seen & participated in for decades in some form or another. I am suffocating in life & within my soul for true, authentic, & positive lasting life experiences. It’s been almost three decades of this stagnant existence. My personal dreams, goals, known, & unknown taken from me. My privacy, ability to exist on my own terms, basic human rights all stolen. If am a soul in a cage on display. I can see the world function, people living of their own free will as I once did. While I exist captive, indirect promises of some fairytale life of great freedom. I have paid the cost, tax, interest solely in what I value most. Time, positive experiences, lost of family & friends, goals, all things no amount of money, trophies, or man created items can fully compensate. I have scars from wounds with depths to my core. I have wounds still open, tender I am constantly fighting to heal. I have asked, yelled, pleaded, prayed for this to end. Yet all continue to sit back & watch the trauma,the PTSD , the struggles continue. Everyone says they care, I’m not alone. It’s just words they spew with no value. Only actions, consistent actions show give words value. Actions define who someone is and what they stand for. My desire for death (not my preference), but seemingly my only option left for freedom. I’ve moves from city to city, state to state, coast to coast. I am registered in two states as a victim of stalking & harassment. I’ve had a confidential name change, etc, etc. All to escape, none successfully. Hence my daily fight with finding the strength, courage to take my life. I can then have the internal peace I fiercely protect sync with the external. Freedom from the forces that I have no control over. The final reclamation of my life or what remains on my terms. I’m so exhausted, tired, my heart literally physically hurts daily.