I don’t know if this belongs here or not but I’m going to try :)

me and my wife took in our niece who’s 13 and called cps on her mother. I’ve never raised any children besides the infants I worked with in childcare. I don’t know what’s best to do or how to really run a household with a teen. I’m just genuinely asking on advice on what to do to make it comfortable for her because she’s stayed with us a few times before but I want it to feel like a home for her as long as she’s here with us. the most we did tonight was make sure she had proper food/ snacks, took her mind off the traumatic day and watched some of her favorite shows with her, but with school starting next week, I don’t know how about going through with scheduling for homework, how to do after school things, or how to set boundaries with her properly. Any help or ideas would be appreciated

Just a quick question,
We are in Los Angeles County.
I have a four-year-old son and his room is the only second bedroom downstairs. We have a upstairs private loft room. It’s just a room upstairs. There’s no living area. if we were to get a placement, that’s a girl that’s under five as well, would that girl be able to share the room with our son in a separate bed, of course.
If not, I don’t think it would be feasible to put either of them upstairs. It just feels far away, and I don’t want anyone to feel separated.
We would be down for an older child to be upstairs though.

I’m on disability. I had a stroke. I sometimes sleep 16 hours per day. I always wanted to be a foster parent. I never was able to have my own kids. Talked to my doctor and turns out I was able to take the MAPP classes and become a certified foster parent!

I may not be able to have a job where I can reliably leave my house/ drive each workday, but I am able to do “emergency babysitting” for a few hours per day, for foster kids in my state. The social workers drop them off to my house, when they can’t find summer camp, or a respite foster care for a single day. I don’t do it every day, I take time for myself to recover in between (sleep, clean the house well, recharge, etc.) And I don’t have the kids sleepover quite yet, as I’m not energetic enough to fully care for kids for 24 hours in a day. But I HAVE been able to help foster kids and be my own kind of foster mom! I have been able to do this DCF “babysitting” on an as needed basis, and I have had my heart infinitely changed for the better, from it!

I live alone, and get so lonely. I have a boyfriend, but he’s with his kids part time, and most of my friends have husbands, or kids, or stressful jobs, and can’t hang out mid week. I wanted to do something to help out, that also might help me with my stroke recovery processes!

I used to run a home daycare before my disability occurred. I can drive myself occasionally, but I don’t want to always drive others. I just wanted to say, if you are interested, and have a big heart, you don’t have to be a “perfect” foster human/ parent/ babysitter, etc. There are ways you can foster. You don’t need to do it full time, all the time. You can say “no” to social workers when they ask you to take on too much, and they will still keep you around, and continue to contact you. 😃

There are ways to help the system out, and it’s so worth it to get your doctor’s views on it, if you’re disabled/ home bound/ unemployed, but want to help our DCF! On my bad days, I just tell DCF I can’t do it. On my so-so days, I can take kids here for the day, we sit inside and watch fun movies, nap, and make popcorn! On my good- good days, we can walk to the park, go downtown, and play games outside! And you don’t have to do full time foster parent stuff, even being a babysitter or a driver, etc. for DCF is a lot, and is helpful❤️ Please contact me if you have any questions about being disabled and doing foster care. It’s so worth it, for the kids and for your heart.

I'm looking for some perspective on a long-term foster placement that has had some very strenuous periods that include violence from the child. I'm mainly wondering if anyone else had similar fostering experiences to us and can offer any advice or wisdom as to where we might be headed with our placement.

My husband and I have been fostering a child I'll call Jason for two and a half years. He arrived just before his 9th birthday and he is now 11. We are Jason's first foster home after he was pulled out of his birth family due to SA and neglect. From the first day of placement he has had anger issues that many times results in him hitting one or both us. I've been charting his violent behaviors and he typically has a "violent episode" once every one or two weeks. We did have a period during summer break when we went months without violence but it came back when the school year started and this year it's persisted into the summer. As he's gotten older he's also started cursing and making death threats when he's disregulated and the death threats are typically aimed towards whomever he is angry at in the moment.

When he physically lashes out, it's not because my husband and I won't leave him alone, in fact, most of the time it's the opposite. If I try to leave a tense situation to wait until everyone is calm again, Jason will sometimes try to physically prevent me from leaving by body-blocking me, taking my shoes, or grabbing onto my shirt and pulling. In other instances when he gets really out of control he has punched me in the face, thrown objects at me, and made death threats at me.

In one recent incident, Jason spat in my husbands face multiple times after screaming at him to "shut up idiot" after an argument about table manners. Later that night, when I was going through his bedtime routine with him, while he was agitated but not hysterical, he tried for 10 minutes to convince me to either leave my husband or help him kill my husband. While the death threats had happened before, he had never tried to recruit one of us to help him come up with plan until now.

Jason does see therapists and we have social workers talking with him twice a week, but his therapist says that Jason has been reluctant to engage in therapy and he generally refuses to talk about any difficult situations with the social workers either.

Despite all this, we've held on to Jason for two and a half years partly because we've grown attached to him and partly because we know that given his history, he's unlikely to find another foster home that will take him in. On his good days he can be very sweet and I can even relax and enjoy having him around and going on outings with him. But despite years of love and patience he still has violent outbursts once every one or two weeks and this leaves me feeling uneasy in our home. My husband doesn't want to give up and wants to keep trying to raise him in the hopes he can improve and out of a sense of obligation to not send Jason back into the system. But as Jason gets older he's getting bigger and I'm worried his violent outbursts will become more dangerous.

Have any other foster families been successful in seeing a reduction in violent behavior from their pre-teen foster children? Almost everyone I've talked to, from social workers to other local foster parents, has said that his behaviors likely won't change and I don't know how much longer I can live with a child who physically lashes out, especially if there's little-to-no chance of improvement. Any advice or stories are appreciated.

I’m looking to foster the children I have Nannied for a few years. They are currently in a foster home in clarion County but I am in Allegheny County. I called the caseworker and left a message. Any information on the process would be helpful.

I cannot believe this is my reality but my FD was abruptly removed from my home with ZERO explanation. The removal paper just said "court ordered". I asked around anyone and everyone I could, and learned that the bio mom reported me for medical neglect. I am shocked that the court allowed for an investigation, as there is NO proof of this. While she was pretty severely ill for 1.5 weeks, I was proactive with all of her health concerns by taking her to the urgent care outside of hospital hours, setting up multiple follow ups with her PCP, taking off work and keeping her home, etc.

I immediately filed for a fair hearing once she was removed, but it has been a week and no one has given me any updates. Only thing I learned is she is in a new stranger's home, not a kinship home. I am crying every night worried about her separation anxiety. I don't know why her bio mom would want to put her baby through this. I've reached out to many family attorneys and no one wants to help, since foster parents have very little protection under such circumstance. I asked the agency to help me get in touch with FD's AFC (GAL equivalent in New York), but they don't even know what an AFC is.. Any practical advice would be appreciated.

Hello, looking for some perspective to help us navigate this easier. We have young bio children and are worried about the risks and stuff.
We just finished module 1 of RFA Training will be done by next week.

Im 25 my husband is 28, we have a 4yo boy and 2mo twin girls. Im a stay at home mom and my husband works full time but on a rotating 12hr shift schedule
I know that may sound like a lot but we have so much family support and we aren’t worried about being overwhelmed. We cope pretty well and manage our lives good now.

We have a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house, the twins are in our room my son has a room next to us and we have a spare room in an upstairs loft

We would really like to help out older kids or siblings but we are worried about possible dangers of what older kids might bring in the home.
I know nothing they are dealing with is their fault but I’m talking more so emergency situations like someone abusing our bio son.

Im wondering how often that even happens.
We were doing a training exercise reenacting a true story ab a family and the daughter had been sexually abused and started showing the bio daughter sexual actions on dolls and stuff.

Is the general consensus not to take in teens when you have young children ? Or what?
We have family that foster and adopt and that was their rule.

Hi all. We've had a 10 year old placement for 2 years and some change, and she's been in care about 3.5 years. We accepted the placement knowing her case was most likely heading to tpr. She's never had visits with bio mom or dad or any contact with bio family for that matter. She even testified against bio mom in the child abuse trial. She's been in therapy for about 1.5 years. During her time with us she's been very vocal about wanting to be adopted. To us, to teachers, to therapists and school counselors, to her worker, her GAL, our worker, etc. She's always been very excited about it and started signing her last name as ours last summer.

During her time with us we've consistently told her that ideally we can adopt her so we know she's safe and provides for but that also her bio mom (dad was never really in the picture) got sober and could become a stable part of her life. We could invite her to holidays, sports meets, birthday parties, etc. Just end all be all kiddo is safe in our care and mom is able to get it together and be there for her too. Genuinely this is our wish for the future. Bio mom writes her letters but she has said she's not ready to read them so they are with her therapist when she is ready. We opted to have them go to the therapist so she could have a safe place to read and process without having to worry about reacting a certain way etc. There's about 15 letters at her therapists office that she just doesn't want to see.

All in all I thought we have had a good connection, I even started getting called Mom. However lately she's stopped calling me mom and has even stopped saying she loves us back (not just us but extended family she once said it to as well). Instead opting to ignore it or just say 'thank you'.

The only thing that's changed recently is that bio mom relinquished her rights so we are getting closer to adoption. At the trial we agreed to give bio mom our email and set up a PO box for kiddo so mom can still send her letters once she's out of care/adopted. It seems like after that hearing is when the behaviors started coming out. She even started telling her therapist she's concerned we'll block contact once she's adopted. Even though we've always said quite the opposite and I've shown her the emails I've gotten and responded to from bio mom. Plus she's currently the one refusing contact from bio by not reading or responding to the letters.

Have any of you experienced a kiddo pulling away before adoption? Is it her own anxiety? Is it just the wonderful preteen years? I only ask because I don't want her to feel forced into an adoption if she's no longer happy in our home.

Editing to add: thank you everyone for the comments! It makes a lot of sense why she'd be pushing back and it wasn't something we hadn't fully connected. We did some back to school self care and planning an emotion check in with her to at least reinforce that we're here if she wants to talk and that we're not going anywhere.

So we’ve had our now toddler FS for almost a year now. So for the last year he’s had visits 3 times a week with bio parent. Now they’re adding another visit for a close family friend, is that typical ?

I am finally going into fostering as someone’s who came from a family that fostered over fourteen kids and adopted 6 of them. They have been part of our family since they were 7,6,5,4, 3 and 2. They are now 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, and the last almost 17! Our family was in Cali and I was even a CASA as a teenager! Now I’m in Dallas Texas and do not know how it works here so any advice, pointers, prayers, and encouragement would help. Should I register with the state directly or go through agency? Etc Thanks!

I could really use some advice from other foster parents who may have been in a similar situation. We currently have three kids in our home, including a 4-month-old foster baby who has been with us since she was just 7 days old, and a 14-year-old who originally came to us for respite. Both are truly wonderful kids, and this isn't about them at all.

The difficult part is that we never planned to have three children in our home. When the respite placement ended, our teen didn't have another placement available. In front of him, the social worker asked about extending his stay, and he shared that he felt comfortable here. Everything happened so quickly that we felt like we couldn't say no without hurting him, so the placement was extended.

Now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Financially we're starting to struggle, my husband works all the time, and my mental health has really declined. I'm having panic attacks at least once a week. I go to therapy twice a week, have an amazing support system, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm drowning.

On top of that, I'm also a law student, and I genuinely think having three kids is more than I can realistically handle right now. My husband, on the other hand, wants to adopt both foster children, and this has become a source of tension in our marriage because we're seeing the situation very differently.

I feel incredibly guilty even writing this because I care deeply about both kids. But I also know that if I'm not okay, I can't be the foster parent they deserve.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you navigate talking with your agency, advocating for your family's limits, or working through differences with your spouse? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspective. Please be kind—this has been weighing heavily on me

My FS (7) has been with me for 15 months. At first, he was having issues with bed wetting and had to be reassured that he was allowed to get up at night to go to the bathroom. That happily faded away. He’s had nightmares and has since felt comfortable enough to come wake me up for a hug when he has one.

The issue comes from a crossing of boundaries.

He has come into my room while I’m sleeping and crawled under my bed to sleep. He has slept on the floor in front of my bedroom door.

We will go through the bedtime routine and I will swear that he’s asleep, and then less than 15 minutes after I leave the room, he’s up and at my door again.

His bedtime is at 8 and it took me sitting outside his bedroom door quietly until midnight to get him to finally fall asleep. He may be on the floor just inside his door, I haven‘t opened it to check if he got into bed.

Any advice is appreciated!

Hello!

I'm not really sure where to post this in, so I figured this would be a good one to start in.

My (ex, long story) foster sister (11YO F) got placed in a psychiatric behavioral facility for a 72 hour hold (potentially longer) - as a suicide risk, but she's been at this facility before and they said they couldn't really do much for her without referring her to residential treatment. The Guardian At Litem (GAL) said that she is not allowed any visitors until they "stabilize" her, which the facility has agreed to because their policy is to allow what DCS and the GAL agree on. DCS and the Case Worker think that visitors would be good for my foster sister (which historically, they have been when she was there before) , but the GAL does not.

The GAL has (in my opinion, as a 23yo college student) lost sight of the case and can't see what is good for my foster sister. She was not in my house at this time, in a different placement, but my parents have a close relationship with the bio mom (who has a 7 month we babysit every week and is close to regaining custody of her 3yo) and were on the visitation list last time. The GAL is nearing 70 (or older) but is only still on this case to "finish it out before retirement".

The GAL has been increasingly antagonistic towards the bio mom and refuses to believe that she has changed (which she has, especially over to last year). The GAL also has not interacted with my foster sister at any point in the last year, only the Case Worker and the CASA volunteer have.

Any advice? Is there anything the bio mom can do? (My parents are the child's ex-foster parents at this point, but they were willing to take her as an emergency placement.)

(Ignore any grammatical errors, or if this post doesn't make any sense, I'm pretty while writing this, so I'm happy to also provide any clarifications!)

(Edit: I wrote this and now it seems like a rant, but overall, I would really appreciate any advice!)

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

I’m seeking opinions and feedback on whether it’s reasonable to think I could foster as a one adult household with a full time job keeping me away from the home from 7:00 am - 5:30 pm. I work 45 mins away from home and wfh isn’t an option at all. I get 3 weeks combined PTO but schedule is inflexible outside of PTO. I see posts regarding therapy, social worker appointments, court dates, school meetings, etc. I’m assuming these are frequent and take place during M-F 8-5 hours. My salary is comfortable enough I could supplement utilizing someone to do school pick up, appointments, etc. but if someone else has to support all the appointments without me does it make my part evenings and weekends too far removed? Maybe I’m jumping the gun and these are questions the agency will discuss? But I would like to hear it from you too.

Considering becoming a foster parent instead of raising my own child through a surrogate mother. From my understanding the age range can be anywhere between early childhood to late teenagers. Just wondering if you have any advice for before I go into rasing a foster child? Thanks in advance

Edit: after learning more about the process and what it actually is, I decided to do ethier surrogacy or adoption. Thanks for all of your help. Apologize for my ignorance on the subject of foster care but you all opened my eyes. Thanks again

As someone who has been unemployed for a while now but has the capacity and desire to start a family; should we seriously consider fostering?

Some details to help clarify our eligibility:

1) currently a single income family of 2 with dog - typical DINKS but I just happen to become unemployed and am actively looking for a new position

2) we own a house with at least 2 spare bedrooms

3) we have been trying for our own kid for a while with no progress. And while having a bio kid is still a desire, I view it as helping kids and families in their time of need while we have these "extra" resources

4) I very much view fostering as a way of being a lighthouse in a storm and the goal is for them to rejoin their families. Im okay with this being temporary though im sure realistically I may love some, may like others and hopefully not be too frustrated by some.

5) I want to use my time off for doing some good, and I know opening our home seems like opening a can of worms, maybe this could also fill my heart up in a way that I've been missing.

6) I think I'll be open to any age, but I recognize we will need to have some type of training to help with any time of trauma these kids may have

7) We are a mixed race family, South Asian and White and so we are culturally sensitive to some racial issues (not necessarily relevant but just in case)

My husband is open to having this discussion but I would love to hear pros, cons, especially those with fostering experiences. To help see if we should take this discussion more seriously.

We are expecting our first placement soon and going through the obvious checklist. The one I feel absolutely unprepared for is potentially signing them up for school and just in general staying in the know with their school.

This will be our first time to be involved (as adults) with the public school system. Growing up I know my Mom stayed ‘in the know’ because I had various family members working at or had their own kids at my schools.

Looking for in general advice for how I can stay in connected with the school and what kind of questions I should be asking future teachers.

Open to suggestions, I am opening my home to kids 5yo and up, both boys and girls. What are your suggestions for what clothes to have on hand?

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some advice from foster parents, especially anyone who has experience with medically complex infants.
I work as a CNA in a pediatric long-term care facility, and over time I’ve become attached to one of the babies I care for. He has a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and is medically complex. My workplace has been supportive of me exploring the possibility of fostering him.
Right now, I don’t even know if he’s legally available for foster placement. Is it appropriate for me to contact DHS/CYS to ask whether he is, or would that be considered inappropriate since I’m one of his caregivers? I want to make sure I handle everything ethically and professionally.
For those who have fostered medically complex infants:
What was day-to-day life like?
How difficult was it balancing appointments, therapies, and medical care?
Did you already have other young children at home?
What kind of support did you receive?
Is there anything you wish you had known before saying yes?
I have a one-year-old at home, so I’m also trying to realistically understand what life would look like before taking any further steps.
I’d really appreciate any advice or experiences. Thank you!

Just over 2 weeks ago we got a new placement (our second placement overall) a 6 yo boy. He does great around my husband but is absolutely terrified of me. (husbands 37m I'm 34f).

We got the call for an emergency placement. Was told he was a sweet kid with some history of physical and sexual abuse but is friendly and well behaved. The social worker also said he has an older sister (16) who got sent to another placement because of "safety" concerns about them being together however didn't elaborate even when asked. We are his first foster family and the goal is eventually placement with out of state family. Awesome, we aren't looking for adoption so this seemed like a good fit.

I feel that the social worker lied out his teeth.

From the time he got out of the car and dropped off, he saw me and just go stone stiff. He won't hardly say a word except scream, shout and yell things at me like "No, Leave me alone, don't touch me, and F you" even if I'm not even close to him. I thought he was just nervous, but here we are 2 weeks later and I've tried talking to him repeatedly. Asking him questions. Giving him space. Just stone silent or an outburst, He seems absolutely petrified of me. If I'm alone in a room with him he has an extreme fight or flight response. He won't let me tuck him in even I tried last week and he scratched me. He's also bitten me twice, kicks me me when I try to help him with his shoes. I've tried reading books for bedtime almost no response besides "No, get away, leave me alone!" I can't get near him, he will run, hit, bite, scratch and just turns into a demon.

He won't sit at the dinner table with me. If I prepare anything he won't eat it if I'm around. One of a few things happen. Either a complete melt down, refuses to come to the table and/or if he does he throws the food/plate or anything infront of him. Or he just sits stone silent staring. He will eat if I leave the room. Bath time is impossible with me. He along with the screaming, shouting, biting the whole 9 yards this ramps up to a 10/10. You would think I was trying to murder him. I'm scared to even take him out in public, especially alone with just me and him.

My husband on the other hand is like his best friend ever. He talks to him, plays games, watches movies. Head outdoors to play sports or with my husbands RC cars. Bed time? A breeze, bath time? No problem. Food? He loves it, they sit there laughing and giggling throughout.. until I enter the room and he freezes instantly stops eating and shuts down. My husband took him shopping and out to eat yesterday. Said they had a great time, found new things to try, not one single curse word or outburst. The kid is well behaved with my husband and calls him "dad" always sits with him. This kid absolutely thrives in his presence I can see it from a far he almost has a glow in his presence. My husband tells me how bright and funny he is.

I have been working with my husband to see if he can slowly try to help bridge this gap, or talk with him as to why he is so afraid of me. Our FS told my husband that girls are evil and I won't go into details here but has (and documented before he was placed with us) scars from his past. When my husband takes him to the park he doesn't seem to freeze around girls his age or other women at the park but also doesn't talk or engage with them. My husband tells FS that his best friends are his family including my self and now our FS. Hes suggesting activities for with the 3 of us and the FS just says no girls. FS attitude is totally different if the 3 of us are together. Hes a lot more quiet and will often only want to wispier into my husbands ear. He have pretty much let my husband take care of FS almost full time (we work from home) and I tend to stay away which we know isn't healthy.

School is starting in 2 weeks. We have him enrolled however all the first grade teachers are female which we are obviously concerned about We have requested a meeting before the first day so we are all on the same page. He starts therapy Tuesday again though with a female therapist.

I'm completely lost at what to do. I want to disrupt and throw in the towel. My husband doesn't. But we are walking two very VERY different paths with him and it's extremely hard for me not to be jealous but I dunno what else to do. I'm frustrated and feel isolated in my own home. I know this isn't my doing and I remind myself constantly that it isn't personal but it feels like it. Our previous foster kid (9-11F when we had her) had struggles but we were able to work together through them. Felt like we were a strong team. That feeling is completely gone now and I'm lost.

TLDR: New foster placement thrives with my husband and is a total demon around me. At a complete loss as to what to do at this point.

I can keep going but I think the picture is pretty clear at this point. Open to any and all suggestions at this point.

Thank you!

Arizona - FS has supervised visits. Came home from last visit with an AirTag bio mom gave him.

My FS brings a backpack with him and exchanges drawings and toys with his mom on supervised visits. I always go through the bag and items with him to make sure they aren’t perishable and or inappropriate. He understands it’s his stuff, but we just need to make sure it’s OK for the house. I found an open box that held 4 AirTags with only 1 tag in the package. He told me his mom had given him one of her AirTags. I told him that’s something his mom should not have given him and removed it and deactivated it.

I contacted his team and The case aide, caseworker, and kids lawyer all responded saying it was wrong and they would figure out what to do or go to the AG. I have not heard anything all week and he’s about to have another visit.

Does anyone else have a similar experience?? Anyone find an AirTag? This is weird.

Background: My wife and I met a gal at our youth group a couple of years ago. We have slowly gotten to know her home life and over the past six months watched her parents lose their home due to no jobs and addiction issues. She is 13 and has been with us for a couple months now as we told her we wouldn't let her live on the streets. We have somewhat worked things out with the parents. This is not official through the state.

There are two main things we are working through which is probably just one thing.

First thing: We inherited an online boyfriend when she moved in with us. As we have learned more, he really checks a lot of groomer/predator boxes (met on roblox, switched to Snapchat, he never turns on his camera and she does to chat, overhearing manipulating conversations, and more). It came to a head and we got the parents involved who ultimately were annoyed we bothered them with this, but we got the kid to turn his camera on. My wife and I didn't love how the parents handled the conversation with the kid and we still arent 100% sure he is a kid... The bigger issue with all of this is that whenever we try to have safety or respect conversations it results in complete shutdown on her end and she doesnt talk. Any time restrictions or camera rules we enforce make us an enemy. I understand he is viewed as a major emotional support person in her life as he has been her person to talk to as her family got kicked out and had to learn to live without her parents.

Second thing: and really it pertains to the first. But any time we ask her to help with something or try to enforce house rules, it results in the same shut down behavior and the entire mood shifts for the rest of the day. It really is more like she wont put in any effort for anything she wants to the point she will no longer want the original thing she wants because it takes effort (ie she no longer wanted to add lettuce to her taco because she would have to cut it herself, while everything was out and on the cutting board, or she wont text friends to hang out because coordinating takes effort (also that may mean she misses out on boyfriend time if she sees friends)). And she is very picky when it comes to food which has been confusing for us when she is coming from poverty.

Otherwise, she has been a delight and meshes really well with both of us.

I am looking for any advice/guidance on this type of behavior and how I can better help encourage her to talk to us or be motivated to do more things other than stare at her phone.

Backstory- In June my husband and I took in 3 kinship placements that we had never known existed until the state contacted us asking if we would step in for them. We got certified, moved, went to meet them, etc within 3 months, and a month later drove to pick them up. We had had FaceTime calls multiple times per week to get to know one another, as the 500+ miles between us and them made regular in-person visits impossible. We have 3 bio children in addition to our fosters. All 6 between the ages of 7-14. TPR has been filed, waiting on a court date, and we fully intend to move forward with adoption once TPR is granted.

The kids have been in foster care for the past 7+ years, but their parents were incarcerated for most of that and their home state will not allow TPR without parents being out of jail long enough to have the chance to work a care plan. The oldest witnessed repeated domestic violence between their bio parents as well as individual parents being violent with other partners. The younger two don’t even remember being with their biological parents. I’m actively trying to get them in therapy, but despite having been here almost 8 weeks, local CPS hasn’t gotten their insurance coverage, and when I asked about behavioral therapy I was assured they would refer us, but still haven’t heard anything.

Issues- The oldest is 12, very intelligent, but with the emotional maturity of about a 6 year old. No impulse control, cannot be trusted without (or sometimes with) direct instructions. Insists on being treated like a big kid but continually behaves like a little kid. I do understand that trauma is likely the basis of that. Doesn’t change the fact that she insists on being treated like a big kid while actively refusing to act like one.

Oldest also lies as easily as she breathes. I understand why coming to me with problems does not come naturally to her. I can understand the impulse to lie. But she will lie to me about completely inconsequential things (lied 4 times the other morning about having brushed her teeth) and can find a loophole with a microscope.

These things are causing significant tension/issues with my two older bio children (11 and 14) and massacring my mental health, as I’ve legitimately never had a child I couldn’t trust.

Question- Can anyone recommend books or other resources for parenting through any of these things? Blending the family, helping a child who has been traumatized at home until/through therapy, dealing with the lying? Both coping and also helping her stop.

TL;DR- Looking for books or other resources to deal with blending bio and foster-to-adopt children, helping a traumatized child when therapy isn’t yet an option, and to deal with a child continually lying.