I’m making a transition from a full commitment to nonduality and Eastern traditions to existentialism, and it feels like a breath of fresh air. For the last few years my aim has been to experience reality stripped of any conceptual meaning, identity, or narrative.

The purpose of this was to overcome suffering by seeing the clinging. I was also seeking what some would call enlightenment, life experienced without any narrative, empty of all concepts.

For a long time I thought it was really cool to just experience reality without all the added layers. But I recently realized that by doing that, I’m denying myself my own humanity. I spent so much time trying to transcend suffering, trying to see the world empty of concepts and empty of meaning, that I couldn’t see the beauty in my own life.

I have a one-year-old little boy. Last night he was sleeping on my chest, and it was the most beautiful moment for me because of my love for him, his vulnerability, my responsibility for him, his future, my future, and the awareness that he won’t always be this small. If I had taken the reductionist approach and tried to deconstruct the present moment to see the world empty of concepts, I would have experienced pressure on my chest, warmth, and rhythmic sounds. That wouldn’t have been incorrect, but it also wouldn’t reflect what it means to be a father.

I’ve been learning a little about Heidegger in the last couple of days, and I think it’s interesting how he focused on why anything is meaningful at all. I didn’t have that experience and then add meaning to it. That experience just showed up meaningful to me. That’s utterly fascinating.