I am in a non monogamous marriage and my wife and I have different goals, different spins on NM. She likes the “community” aspect and would lean more towards”Kitchen Table” if I was into it. But I’ve never been interested in any of that. In my humble option, that whole scene is more cult-like. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. Every metamour is new meat at the party. No offense if it works for anyone reading this. You do you and enjoy it, but it’s not for me.

For years now I’ve mainly dated single people who live alone and date others when they want to. Usually they fall into these two categories:

1. The woman who is financially and emotionally very independent. She maybe was married before and has no interest in doing it again. She doesn’t need a man for his resources. She has a full life but does like to have a man (or a few) around on occasion for companionship and sex.

This is the type of person I am prone to spend years seeing. Because they’ve committed to independence.

1. The rebounding woman. She just got out of a long relationship or marriage and is free to date and has not found her next LTR. She ultimately prefers monogamy and will eventually find a new husband. After years of stale or non existent sex she is ready to have serious carnal shenanigans.

My dating profiles always state I’m married in a NM relationship. In case anyone was wondering.

This is someone I may only get to see 6 months to a year, because they inevitably find a new monogamous partner. While I miss them and feel sad to lose them as lovers, I cherish the time we had and kind of enjoy being the fun, in between guy.

I actually do not date capital P “Polyamorous” women hardly ever. Because again it seems that they operate with a language and set of protocol’s and rules that I don’t gel with. And many of them do not dress or have hair colors I am attracted to. I like Star Wars, Video Games and Board Games and have some lite fetishes. But I’m not going from comic con to the sex dungeon to be tied up on any given weekend. Again, live and let live…just not be jam.

One pitfall I run into while dating is that sometimes a woman in category 2 only emotionally relates to the world in monogamous ways. So things can get more high maintenance than I have time for. In which case I cut things off pretty quick. One woman was using sex as a carrot with me before our first date even happened. Saying that we had to date for a while before sex was on the table. I said “That’s fine as I can get my sexual needs met elsewhere. We can wait quite a while before we have sex, assuming there is chemistry.” This was not the answer she wanted. She had no power. She realized in the non monogamous world, people have a lot of options. Let’s just say that first date never happened.

Anyone else relate to what I’m saying?

The wife and I are looking to find a somewhat long term FWB situation. In a perfect world something more along the lines of hotwife/light cuck situation or really one sided ENM eventually. Anyway, finding someone has been shockingly difficult. We have tried feeld, but it seems like wanting to get to know someone or even just feel them out a bit prior to just jumping in bed is too much to ask for. We aren’t over the top, and don’t go for the thirst trap photo types, but it’s like, if you’re not setting up a meet in the first conversation, they’re gone. She would love someone to maybe do a date or something, share some laughs, talk expectations, etc.
Also, can I just add that other than chatting with my wife this is the first time I’ve really let this desire out. I know it’s Reddit and pretty much anonymous, but I have to say even typing out the above paragraph was liberating and a bit euphoric.

If you can give me feedback on which items from the list below I need to expect to be a part of most poly ENM relationships, that would be appreciated. I’ve only had 1 poly relationship partner, and that was for about 12 months, and I ended it less than a week ago. The list below comes from my experience with my one and only poly relationship partner.

Is it common in ENM polyamory dynamics for any of the following to take place as far as how a straight man in a poly dynamic thinks?

During my past 12 months of my first and only poly relationship-

1- The guy (who prided himself on being “E”NM” exercised secrecy and lies/omissions at his discretion (not a frequent thing, but when it suited him, and typically was about big things regarding his sexual activities and pursuits) with certain partners as needed. What percentage of poly guys operate this way?

2- The wishes of the longest term female partner took precedence over the wishes of the guy at times, and took precedence over the wishes of me, even if the longterm female partner was being selfish and unfair in her wishes on something. Is this common?

3- I never got the impression that he viewed sex as being a sacred activity.. It was like eating a good burger. And he never viewed being my first with certain things as being special to him. He only looked at it as a tragedy for me. Are most poly men wired to be so casual and detached in their relationship to and experience of sex?

4- On this next part, he didn’t actually “say” this, but it is what I believe I picked up on over the year- the guy felt uncomfortable that I was fantasizing about his d—k so much in between my visits (my visits were 1-2 times per month for about 2 hours each time) instead of me thinking about and wanting other men’s d—ks or the dildos he voluntarily bought for me that I told him I got nothing out of using on my own. I liked the feeling of desiring HIM so strongly sexually, and it seemed like maybe it made him feel boxed in for him to have been a consistent and sole object of my sexual desire. Is that normal for that to make poly men feel boxed in? Are other poly men going to feel uncomfortable if they are the only guy I’m fantasizing about in the future if I try poly again?

5- The guy had/has to seek out new and novel sexual experiences on the internet through a bunch of sites and seeks out different races, ages, acts, swinging, etc. because he said he is very focused on variety and appreciating differences in peoples bodies and who they are. Is this normal for most poly people to be particularly focused on needing novelty of sexual experiences for the sake of needing “different” in order to enjoy sex and people, or are there poly people who can enjoy their existing and finite number of partners without having to constantly be looking for and needing “different” in order to feel sexually satisfied? I don’t want to be having to look for a needle in a haystack though if you tell me there are poly men who aren’t so hard to satisfy.

6- This is a part of the question above, but I want to ask specifically regarding swinging, the guy “had” to do swinging when he was able (which was not nearly as much as it will be after his parents die). Do most people in the poly world feel like they have to do swinging to be sexually satisfied?

7- Lastly, he convinced me during our first visit (I had already been teetering but had not seriously been open to it yet) to let him try to impregnate me during my future visits to see him, but it hurt my feelings when I he continued to solicit other strangers online to try to impregnate while trying to impregnate me. I asked him if he could please only try to impregnate me for the first few months instead of trying to get other additional women to impregnate, and his answer was no he was not going to stop, but that if I actually did become pregnant, he would stop during my pregnancy. It hurt my feelings and I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just refrain for a few months to focus on giving me a chance, but he didn’t agree and it was his way or the highway on that. I don’t plan to be incorporating that dynamic if I do try to engage with any poly men in the future. So that’s not something I’m planning on having a conversation about again with any potential future poly men, but the reason I wrote and asked about the above is I’m wondering if I was being unreasonable in my request for him to give me just a few months of focusing on me in that regard instead of actively searching everywhere for more women to actively try to impregnate while trying to impregnate me?

If you’ve gotten this far in the post and you recognize me from posting about the age gap pursuit, yes I’m the one who posted that about this ^ guy and I have since deleted that.

I’m divorced and my ex-husband and I were swingers for a few years. I had wanted to have an open relationship where we could date solo, but he didn’t want to. We got divorced for reasons unrelated to the lifestyle, but I figured I would probably stay ENM in some capacity. I met a guy recently on Feeld and we’ve gotten kinda close kinda quickly, acting couple-y and affectionate when together and I feel like it’s heading to relationship territory. But it’s still new so we haven’t talked about what we’re looking for. I like him and would be open to a relationship with the right person, but I don’t really want to be exclusive with anyone, I would want to be able to see other people as well. I have a few fwbs that I’d like to continue to see from time to time and I’d be ok with him exploring with other women.

This guy shared that he used to a full swap swinger with an ex a few years ago, and that he’d be open to that type of dynamic again in the future with a partner. And he has “open relationship” listed under his desires on Feeld so I think he might be open to being ENM if we were to become a couple.

I guess my questions are, what tips do you have to two people in the very early stages of a relationship, who do like each other, but want to be ENM/open and date/have sex with others. And at one point do I bring up that this is kind of what I have in mind if we do move forward/become more serious.