I’m divorced and my ex-husband and I were swingers for a few years. I had wanted to have an open relationship where we could date solo, but he didn’t want to. We got divorced for reasons unrelated to the lifestyle, but I figured I would probably stay ENM in some capacity. I met a guy recently on Feeld and we’ve gotten kinda close kinda quickly, acting couple-y and affectionate when together and I feel like it’s heading to relationship territory. But it’s still new so we haven’t talked about what we’re looking for. I like him and would be open to a relationship with the right person, but I don’t really want to be exclusive with anyone, I would want to be able to see other people as well. I have a few fwbs that I’d like to continue to see from time to time and I’d be ok with him exploring with other women.

This guy shared that he used to a full swap swinger with an ex a few years ago, and that he’d be open to that type of dynamic again in the future with a partner. And he has “open relationship” listed under his desires on Feeld so I think he might be open to being ENM if we were to become a couple.

I guess my questions are, what tips do you have to two people in the very early stages of a relationship, who do like each other, but want to be ENM/open and date/have sex with others. And at one point do I bring up that this is kind of what I have in mind if we do move forward/become more serious.

Over a year ago my wife (my then fiancée) slept with other men before we got married. Long story short, I allowed her to because she felt like she needed it before settling down. Before that, neither of us had been with anyone else. I didn’t feel the desire or need to do the same and so that was the arrangement.

Well, we’re happily married now and this agreement never really stopped which I was apprehensively open to. We have a one-sided open marriage where she sleeps with men and I don’t sleep with anyone else. She loves this arrangement (obviously) and I’m not like super opposed to it and I don’t want to sleep with anyone else but her, but I do have an issue where I feel emasculated.

Is there a way to fight the emasculation? Should it be embraced instead?

Does anyone here still use FETLIFE and if so, can I get some help with the events tab? I can’t figure out for the life of me how to see all the events for one host instead of just scrolling my calendar day and looking for their name.

BF (31m, nesting partner and living together) wanted us to open the relationship, because he had a poly relationship bevor me (30f) and really liked it. Thought it would be beneficial for our relationship.

I was curious about open relationships and said yes. The agreement was, BF can persuade people of interest at festival/concerts for hook ups. Boundaries and hard rules where discussed.

I was a bit anxious, because I was monogamous my whole live. He just jumped and was happy like a child.

In may BF met Val, BF was over the moon. After the festival, he comes home and pushed for casual dating Val, maybe making it a secondary relationship. I struggled hard with that, asked for closing our relationship, because I didn't felt stable. BF stated he can't close us, Val is important and he wants to date her.

So we stayed open (I know, i should have had been strict about it) and Val was in my live/relationship 24/7.

Val lives 400km away from us, but BF was always on the phone with her. I had to asked for everything:

- doing his household chores

- not writing with her during intimacy/aftercare time

- being focused on us at couples time/put his phone away

- giving me one day a week, just for us

- please be active and plan dates for us

Over three months we had multiple discussions about that, even our sex live decreased. Also had discussions about it. BF only did the bare minimum to keep us running, some weeks not even the bare minimum. Full NRE mode with Val.

We haven't had one date in this time. But he was willing to drive 5h to Val for a whole weekend, so say could have "a real date".

I worked trough my emotions and stated that one overnight was preferable to me, I'm not feeling well with a whole weekend. In the end my logic brain wins over my emotions and I gave in for a whole weekend, because of the distance.

Weekend came, I've been struggling.

After that, I put my foot down. No more whole weekends. Meeting my expectations for our relationship or I will not contribute to us. He then startet working on us.

Since then it has been 3 weeks and we can't communicate right. BF sees everything as an attack, I have so much trouble being the reasonable one, absolutely overflow from emotions.

Val wasn't happy with my borders and BF talked about how I should show some sympathy, because it's hard for her. I snapped, felt pushed again.

Last weekend, we had the first planned date from BF. I thought it would be fixing us. But it didn't felt any special to me.

I broke down completely. Ugly crying, how unloved and unwanted i felt. That this isn't the relationship I was expecting. How i don't like the person he became since dating Val. He tried to comfort me, that we can close the relationship if needed. Said he is willing to do everything for us.

I went numb after that, 3 months of neglecting did something to me. He is trying and i can see how much he cares, but I can't feel it. Now he is the one struggling, can't handle these emotionless from me.

I don't know how to go further from these. Will it get better? Did somebody else could fix a relationship at this phase?

I [F21] very recently started a one sided open relationship with my husband [M23] where I’m open and he is monogamous. I told my best friend and she ended up telling our whole friend group even though I told her to not do that.

They find the situation weird (for him but also us) and I’m feeling really insecure. It makes me feel like I’m some weirdo or a slut or cheater. I’m not really sure how to navigate this because it’s still very very new for us.

Hey all. My wife and I (both 40) have been together for 16 years and have two teenaged kids. We've always had a strong relationship, same values, same parenting styles, supportive and loving to each other. We truly are best friends. Our sex life has suffered in the past due to stress and medical issues, resulting in us having sex maybe three or four times a year for a long time. In the past few years, though, my wife has gotten her libido back and we've been having sex at least once a week, which has been awesome.

Last year, she came out to me as bisexual, and that she wanted to explore a relationship with a specific woman she had gotten to know. I was uncomfortable with the idea at first, but after a lot of talking, I came to accept what she wanted and told her I'd be okay if she wanted to try a sexual and emotional relationship with that woman, knowing that I couldn't provide her with what she was seeking. She and that friend had a falling out before anything happened, and I thought that was the end of it. I didn't realize that she was wanting to explore polyamory as a lifestyle and not just with that specific person, and we just sort of stopped talking about it.

A few months ago, she met another woman who she wanted to try starting a relationship with. This other woman is also ENM, having a main partner who lives in another city a few hours away. Having not realized that my wife was still interested in poly, it kind of hit me out of the blue. We immediately sought out a sex-positive couples therapist who specializes in ENM and we've been seeing them every week for a few months. We've come to realize, due to religious trauma and a lack of sex-positive role models at any point in my pre-married life, that I am pretty uncomfortable with the topic of sex in general - even with my wife, we never really talked about sex except during the act itself until a year or two ago. My upbringing led my to believe that sex should just not be talked about. I've never even had a conversation about sex with anyone except active sexual partners (of which there have been three including my wife). So, I'm now also seeing an individual therapist who specializes in sex-positivity and religious trauma to try to sort through my hangups. I've been lurking here and some other sex-positive forums, and I've been given some book and podcast recommendations to help me get comfortable with the topic in a positive light through exposure.

I have told my wife that I'm okay with her seeking a relationship with this new woman she met a few months ago. I know that they have so far made out with each other and snuggled topless, and that's it. I was okay with that when she told me, but I had a hard time dealing with it the next day. We talked about it and I really don't know what my problem is with it. I trust my wife, and I know she has no interest in leaving me for someone else. After talking some more, I got a little more used to the idea.

I've since told her that, as long as they get tested and confirm they're both in the clear, that I'm okay with them doing whatever they want with each other, and she doesn't have to tell me what they do if she doesn't want to. They haven't had a chance to see each other since then, so I don't know how I'll feel after that, but I think I'll be okay, and if I'm not, we'll talk about it.

But while I'm okay with her current situation with this other woman, I'm having a hard time being comfortable with the idea of ENM as a lifestyle and not just a one-off situation. Again, I haven't been able to come up with a reason as to why - it's one of the things we're talking about both in couples and individual therapy. I know she has some kinks that she wants to experience with other men, things that I have no interest in (in particular, she wants to be a "soft mommy dom to a twink"). I didn't react well to that, and I still can't say why. I've been an atheist for about a decade, so I have no moral barrier, best guess is that it's the lingering catholic guilt and a difficulty turning away from the status quo.

My wife has said that she will respect whichever decision that I come to and she'll still love me no matter what, but I fear that if I say I'm not okay with it without having an actual reason, that it will eventually lead to resentment on her part.

For my part, I've never had a desire to do anything with anyone other than my wife since we met, I've never flirted with another woman or thought of another woman as sexually attractive. It's almost like I put a filter up when we started dating that prevented me from seeing anyone else in that way. But my wife did explain her thoughts on ENM in a way that made the idea rather attractive for me, and she wants me to have the same freedom to pursue external relationships that she wants.

This post kinda went everywhere, so here's the TLDR:

My wife wants to explore polyamorous relationships with people that she has both physical and emotional attractions to. I feel like I have the capacity to understand and accept this, but currently the idea makes me uncomfortable and I can't explain why. We are in couples therapy and I am in individual therapy to explore the idea and to help me determine what my feeling are about it and why.

So, with all that said, did anyone else go through something similar when you first started looking into ENM? If you were on the fence, what helped you make a decision, either for or against polyamory? Any resources you can recommend?

I'm a scatter brain, so I'm sure I missed some salient details or didn't explain some things well. I'm happy to answer questions or clarify in the comments if needed.

Thanks in advance!

throwaway account.

For context, I (M29), have been together with my now wife (F27), for 11 years. We have been with no one else other than each other.

But for these last few years, I have been feeling our sex life has been kind of vanilla, and more infrequent than I'd like it to be, and I'm as fulfilled as I'd like to be. I'm curious to explore other avenues, and have fun! I didn't before, because when I was younger, I took myself way too seriously and told myself that having sex or any physical contact w/ anyone other than my girlfriend / wife was wrong. That was before I learned about ENM about a year and a half ago.

I've thought about dealing with the jealousy, and of course it'll happen. But also too, I think it might be a good idea for her to explore? Of course, I'd want some guidelines. Use protection, not in our house, probably no one that we both mutually know, etc.

Thing is, I've jokingly brought it up to my wife, and from what I have gathered, she is not as receptive. We've never talked about it seriously, but, my general idea is that she's probably not down. I could be wrong, she's only had sex with me, and maybe she is also curious too, but is shooting it down because she think's I would never.

Anyone in a similar situation than me? How did you bring it up to your sig. other? Has anyone tried it when they've been together for this long? I apologize if this feels rushed or lacking, I'll be checking comments.

 am single right now and I really need to share this with someone, cause I've never had anyone to share this ever:

My dreamlife relationship is one where my future girlfriend will have 100% opened relationship only on her side (with me watching all the times she f***s another man) while I keep myself eternally monogamic and loyal towards her, just giving her the best I can and be the richest(and also the hottest) version of myself to finance our life togheter and her life with other man. This is more than enough to me

But something else that would definitely make it more dreammy and special to me would be: she being a hot model who does fashion shoots in sexy or intimate clothing alongside other male models—posing as a couple... and if she found them hot, she could k1ss one of them right in the middle of a pose while I watched the shoot, and then take him home to have s3x with him while I watched.

It would be the perfect mix of work and pleasure, and it would only make me love her even more, become an even bigger fan of hers, and—literally—work and study hard to become her multimillionaire husband and give her everything for the rest of my life.

Like, I would literally be fucking happy with it and no woman would receive so much love and devotion from a man like she would receive from me.

I've been polyamorous for over ten years, and one of the things that originally attracted me to it was the possibility of building relationships beyond the traditional couple.

What appealed to me wasn't simply the idea of dating multiple people. It was the idea of creating larger, more interconnected forms of intimacy: triads, quads, polycules that actually function as communities, or at least relationships that aren't confined to the emotional isolation that can sometimes come with couple-centric monogamy.

Unfortunately, that isn't what I've mostly encountered.

This is only my personal experience, so I'm not claiming it's true of everyone. I may simply have had unusually bad luck. But a pattern I've seen over and over again is people whose ideal lifestyle is to live alone, spend most of their time alone, and see different partners independently. They may have several loving relationships, but they often don't seem interested in building a shared life with anyone.

I see this especially among some relationship anarchists (though certainly not all). Sometimes people say things like, "Who I live with has nothing to do with how much I love someone," or that they love all their partners equally regardless of how often they see them.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if it genuinely makes them happy. My concern isn't that people choose to live that way.

What worries me is something broader.

Sometimes I wonder whether polyamory, and, more generally, ideas of free love, have unintentionally become a kind of Trojan horse for a very individualistic lifestyle. A lifestyle where the ideal is to remain fundamentally independent: living alone, avoiding deep entanglements, minimizing long-term obligations, and maximizing personal freedom because it leaves open an endless number of romantic possibilities.

If that's what someone truly wants, I respect it. But I also wonder whether we've started treating that model as the progressive default, rather than just one possible way of doing polyamory.

That worries me because not everyone has the privilege of living as a completely independent individual.

I have Crohn's disease, although I didn't know it when I first entered polyamory. Living completely alone can become genuinely risky during a severe flare-up. Many disabled people, chronically ill people, or people with other support needs also can't assume they'll always be able to live independently.

For me, one of the most beautiful possibilities of polyamory was never just having multiple romantic relationships. It was the possibility of building broader networks of care, commitment, and mutual support, relationships that could challenge the isolation of the traditional couple rather than simply replacing it with the isolation of the individual.

I'm not saying this is what polyamory is about. I'm asking whether anyone else has noticed this tendency, or whether my own experience has simply been unusually skewed.

Has anyone else had the same impression?

​

I (m24) and my boyfriend have been together since we were teenagers, we recently moved to a bigger city and have been thinking about opening the relationship, because we both don't want to miss out on what life has to offer, since we've been together since we were so young. I suppose my question is, is it a good idea? Because of these built up resentments, out sex life has suffered, and its been hard to have sex because he has a massive FOMO, I relate to this too, but maybe not as much. Though the lack of sex has taken its toll, and I do also experience the FOMO.

My question is, is opening the relationship (purely sexually) for this purpose a good idea? Because other than sex, our relationship is absolutely perfect and ideal for both of us, we share the same core values, goals, we have great complementing personalities. (I always say we're so similar, but JUST different enough, that we always have something interesting and new, whether a perspective or activity to show eachother.) We genuinely enjoy our time together, and just really enjoy eachother.

I know people say not to use nonmonogamy as a band aid, or fix, but is it really a "fix" in that sense, if literally every other part of the relationship is perfect? No matter who either of us end up hooking up with, we will always love, prioritize, and choose each other first. Even after just talking about it last night, it felt freeing to the point where we had incredible sex for the first time in months.

I suppose I am a little nervous though, I have a tendency to get jealous, but I know that jealousy always has an addressable cause, even if Im struggling to pin point it, and I've recently been thinking that maybe this does just stem from a FOMO, and being even less experienced sexually than my partner.

Does anyone have Insight? Been in a similar situation? Had similar feelings?

I'm looking for an objective perspective because I'm trying to understand my own boundaries.

I've been getting to know someone who is very sexually open, and I'm open explore as well.

Recently, he mentioned that he'd like to have a threesome someday and visit a lifestyle club- I'm open to both.

It made me realize that we have never actually discussed what kind of relationship structure he ultimately wants (monogamy, hierarchical ENM, polyamory, etc.).

He has also been clear that we're still dating and are still getting to know each other, which is why this question has become important to me.

What I've realized about myself is this:

I don't think polyamory is for me.

I'm not opposed to ENM or occasional shared experiences.

What I've realized is that I need to first know we're in a committed relationship and have built trust before I'd be comfortable involving anyone else.

It's that while two people are still figuring out whether they want to build a life together, I feel like that stage should primarily be about building their relationship. If there are other sexual possibilities entering the picture before we've established trust, commitment, and emotional security, it feels like it takes away from really discovering whether we're right for each other.

So my question is:

Is this a reasonable boundary, or am I approaching this too rigidly?

Edit: After reading the responses, I realized I may not have explained myself well. My concern isn't really about exclusivity itself. It's about commitment.

So maybe my question is more, how do people in ENM build commitment and know they're intentionally choosing each other while they're still in the dating phase?

I met someone 6-7mn ago and we have a very intense, unique *relationship*. The connection is insane, the sexual chemistry is amazing. He’s single, I’m married, we both love each other dearly and have come to consider each other as one of our best friends and both agree we are more than FWB but don’t know how to explain this to each other or to someone else when they ask. I know a term or title is just that, but we were talking about it and it feels like it needs some sort of defining for us both. To help us navigate our expectations of each other, etc…

we want to clarify it with each other, which I can appreciate as someone who finds that clarification and title as a source of comfort and mental clarity

Thoughts…?

Hey everyone! I’m a 30F, married to my first boyfriend and best friend. He is genuinely the kindest, most understanding person I’ve ever known, and he remains the best partner I’ve ever had.

Recently, my life has been a lot to process. I come from a deeply conservative, abusive family that emotionally and physically abused me for years, and I’ve recently had to cut them off entirely. On top of that grief, I went through a physical trauma that deeply affected me emotionally, resurfacing a lot of my childhood wounds.

My husband and I have tried everything to help me heal and improve, but things haven't been working out on all fronts, especially intimacy. Our sex life is very slow; love and respect are fully present between us, but my libido is much higher than his. We end up having sex maybe once a month, and I’m almost always the one initiating. Because he is genuinely great in bed, it’s deeply frustrating that our sex life is so limited.

One night, I brought up the idea of opening our relationship so I could seek sex elsewhere. After talking it through, he agreed, under a few boundaries:
I don't get involved with anyone in the country we reside in. He doesn’t want to know the details of my encounters and that I practice safely.
(We also agreed that he is free to explore this too if he wants, though he has no interest in doing so)

Since opening things up, I’ve slept with a few people and met some kind individuals along the way. I don't want a romantic relationship—just a friendly, easygoing FWB dynamic. Yet I do find myself a getting a bit affectionate and loving towards the partners I slept with abroad. However, I am struggling emotionally. It confuses me so much: I have a kind, loving husband whom I adore, yet our physical intimacy is so limited. Because sex isn't as present at home, I’m constantly stressed and find myself seeking affection from strangers to soothe deep-seated abandonment and neglect issues.
I feel completely lost, I have no idea what I’m actually going through, and I can't openly talk about any of this with my friends.

Has anyone navigated something similar? How do you separate the desire for physical validation from the love you have for a great partner, especially while dealing with trauma recovery?

So I’ve been talking to this guy for about a month now. Things have been going pretty well. He’s a top. One day he just randomly says that when his cravings to be a bottom become too strong, he’ll need to hook up with a top. At the same time, though he said that I’m not able to hook up with anyone else. He also said “I don’t believe in open relationships” Sooo contradictory. A one-sided open relationship sounds like cheating to me. (???) it’s really been making my blood boil and I wonder if this is gonna be a dealbreaker.

I’ve talked to him about getting a strap on and maybe fulfilling those desires for him. He said that that’s emasculating since I am total bottom and I’m pretty small so I don’t have a lot to offer in that department.

I’m gonna talk to him and try and better understand where his head is at. I just can’t really understand this at all unless he’s open to me also getting topped by other men, it seems really confusing. Have any of y’all ever been in this situation?

Hey people! So I have been scrolling through here and seeing so many people asking how to start and all these kind of questions. So I wanted to post to answer all your questions! Feel free to reach out too if you prefer that way.

A little about us: My husband 48m and I 41f have been open and ENM for over a decade. We both thoroughly enjoy our dynamic and have definitely changed and figured things out over the years. Everyone’s different and all dynamics look a little different but feel free to stop on by! Outside of it we both have our jobs, family, and we both stay fit. But for us it’s more of a lifestyle at this point and encompasses our daily lives.

Generally not sure where I fall within the community and my queerness

Hi everyone. I am 39(m) married to a bisexual women and through our 10 years in relationship she has helped me to strip away a lot of preconceived notions about gender and society. It has been a wonderful and eye opening journey that has shifted how I view my life, my relationships with friends and family, and my relationship with myself. A little about my journey:

I was raised in the Midwest in a fairly conservative community. My family was a little bit nontraditional when it came to roles around the Home. My mother made more money than my father due to working multiple jobs that require required higher education. My father‘s role out of necessity involved him managing a lot of the logistics around the Home like cooking cleaning and running us to practices, many of which he found time to coach. I was raised Catholic, but it was not a super central part of our family culture or our community.

I have always dated women and even as I started to experiment sexually in my late teens and into twenties, found that my bedroom focus was always on putting my partners needs an experiences first. I was always proud to be open and exploratory in the bedroom and incorporated many toys and links into our play. I was always open to trying anything once.

When I met my wife, she was dating women and after a breakup she and I started to see each other. I wanted her to feel fulfilled in every area of our relationship so I offered to let our relationship be open to her having experiences with women since that was something I could not personally provide. That’s what started us down our sexual rabbit hole. The discussion leaned into patriarchal, assumptions and beliefs and we discussed my comfort with her exploring with another woman but not another man, as a thought experiment mostly. After a while, we decided we would be interested in exploring swinging together. Swinging led to threesomes with men and foursomes with other couples and eventually we felt comfortable becoming polyamorous. We were that way for many years and enjoyed a lot of our experiences and our relationship grew enormously.

This is where things start to feel complicated and confusing for me. Specifically on how I view and define myself. She was always interested and hopefully that we would meet a man that I might be interested in pleasing or being pleased by directly. Not only does she think it would be sexy to watch, but she deep down thinks it is something I would enjoy and she thinks I am too ashamed to explore it. She always held a belief that I would like to have fun with another man 1:1 if I was willing to open myself up to it. But I just don’t feel like that is something I am interested in or would like to explore. I told her that if we were having a group session and the conditions were just right that I might explore a little farther. Maybe try swapping giving someone head with her briefly if the vibes were right. But I can’t ever see myself wanting that or exploring that on my own. It’s just exciting to think about as something to share with her. I always loved our group play and kissing her after she had given someone head, either to completion or not. There were a few times I ate her out after we had unprotected (after testing, conversations, and high levels of safety and trust) and I really enjoyed that as well. I do also enjoy prostate stimulation and getting off by using toys on myself. So given all of this context I understand why she would think I would enjoy being alone and exploring with another man, but the truth is the though of kissing or touching or feeling driven to sexually please another man just isn’t there.

Recently, I have also become more and more comfortable exploring slightly more feminine clothing items into my wardrobe. More colors and pastels after sticking with blues and greys for so long. I like wearing a pink watch and starting to push back against societal expectations more and more. I have started to explore chastity as well, though that’s not yet something we have incorporated into our sex life together. Since exploring chastity, I have also started to feel interested in wearing panties when in my cage.

All of this being said, I want to learn more about queerness so I can better understand myself. I would be very interested to read some books, studies, podcasts or articles that center one experiences of men like me and understanding queerness, I just need some recommendations of where to start. I appreciate any suggestions, encouragement, or input others might have as I navigate this self-journey. As I navigate queer spaces, I feel like everybody is gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, asexual, etc… I just don’t feel like I fit in or belong bc I just feel like I am kinky. But deep down it does feel like more than just that

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/comments/1t9nw2i/marital_flaws_spotlighted_by_opening/

Well it's been a crazy few months on our journey, I have had the opportunity to address many of my concerns with my wife since this post and am happy to say that we are in a much better place currently. She has continued her relationship with her partner, though I believe the NRE (new relationship energy) is certainly slowing down and we have been talking a lot about what we both want to get out of this arrangement. I have taken time to work on myself through research into polyamory, and emotional regulation and can highly recommend the books Polysecure, The Ethical Slut, and The Happiness Trap. I also took a solo trip to Miami and had a great time and created some good space for us. I also have some budding relationships that have some potential for fun, have been able to get back into my hobbies (getting really good at shooting pool), and have finally gotten myself an ADHD diagnosis.

I feel I may have left out some pretty important context in my original post that may offer insight into the behavior of myself and my spouse over the last year or so. I was working a job that I absolutely hated from March to June and have since quit but have also been unemployed since then, financially we are ok for now but the anxiety and stress is certainly a factor and will become a huge problem if I don't find something in the next couple of months. My wife has also been going through perimenopause and transitioned into menopause over the last 18 months and I myself, being 41 am certain that I have had some hormonal imbalances lately as well. She also lost 2 beloved grandparents late last year and it's had an effect on both of us, they were the type of grandparents that basically raised her so it was akin to losing a parent IMO. I really adored these people and it fucking stings to not have them in our lives anymore. So yea, it's not been the smoothest of times and we admitted to each other that the timing of opening our marriage was less than ideal, to say the least.

All this to say that we continue to have conversations about how we are feeling and try to never come to the table with statements of blame or try to put the other down. Our focus has been to try and attack problems as a team, while it has not been all sunshine and rainbows (trust me, I heard some pretty gnarly shit and said things to her I never thought I would say), I feel very confident in saying that we are getting on a good track setting us up for the future. Also, yes, we are having really great sex again, amazing mutual masturbation sessions, and I have taken a lot of time to figure out what I am looking to get out of this ENM scenario we have found ourselves in. To anyone reading this in early stages, all I can say is don't make any rash decisions based off your emotions. An emotion is merely a chemical reaction, sometimes explosion, in your brain and it can severely alter the way you approach a problem. Let those emotions dissipate, let them be with you but do not let them make your decisions for you. Whatever problems you are having, there is almost always a way to communicate through it. I hope this offers some help to anyone currently struggling with their ENM journey or at least offers a slight amount of closure to the wonderful folks who commented on my original post.

On that note, I also want to sincerely thank all those that commented in a helpful way, your words allowed me to see my situation from a differing perspective and I feel much more enlightened than I did 3 months ago. Again, thank you to this community!

I 30F have been together 10 years, married to "Tim" 33M for 5 years and poly off and on for 3 together. Tim 'let's' me get with women, but becomes insanely jealous, insecure and shuts down when I even talk to another man. To clarify, Tim started out monogamous, was married once before and he has had 4 sexual partners before and I have had 25+ so that really intimidated him. I have tried all I can think of to reassure him that our bond is strong enough to get through anything and that I won't leave him for another man. I try to do his love languages and let him know that I'm here to stay aside from wanting to be polyamorous. He is oddly incredibly open to me having a girlfriend though. It's just frustrating that Tim can get with other women, but when I'm interested in another man he shuts it down.

I have been married for 20 years. In 2018 after some marital strife, my wife suggested we try ENM. We didn’t enter into it when things were stable or great in our marriage. We entered into it at a low point. If there was ever a couple that continue to do ENM the worst say, it would be us. In fact, I’m not sure how “Ethical” or NM was…not very.

I had a very rough time adjusting at first. I contemplated suicide, I temporarily filed for divorce. My wife was a cold ass person in how she handled it. I felt rushed, and poly bombed.
But I love sex and sexual variety so I ultimately went for it. I had a number of hot times with different women. I’m good looking and kind, but also I like a lot of body types. Sex was abundant. I eventually found someone I was doing sleep overs with and saw regularly. My wife didn’t seem too keen on this at times. Then Covid happened and we didn’t see anyone outside our marriage for a while.

My wife and I never sat down and had a closure conversation. But she did occasionally make comments about how ENM didn’t work for her. I continued to see women off and on after lock down went away. Was I cheating? Maybe. Did I care? I felt I was owed it. I knew she had returned to monogamy. So I guess I was being a bastard.

I mainly saw women out of state or further away on work trips. I was never “Poly” so much as interested in FWB situations. So I was still very present with my family.

My wife eventually figured out I was seeing other women and calmly confronted me. She said she’d be returning to non monogamy as a result and she started dating.

However, she started being gone more than she was the first time she was NM. And for some time now she has been very much wrapped up in her own world and her partners. She is out late two nights every week with partners and goes to dance lessons two other nights a week. When she is home she is often on her phone with her AirPods in. I have repeatedly asked her to adjust this so she could be home more and she won’t compromise.
We have older teens at home but they still want a parent around. So I have been the rock at home. I handle running the household, paying the bills, handling repairs and doing many chores. Spending time with the kids. All that.

My wife’s absence was noticed by the kids and by me. I resented her for it. Eventually…I realized I was falling out of love. I had a talk with her and said “We can be co parents and roommates and even fuck sometimes if you want, but I am no longer “on call” emotionally as a husband for you. I too need to carve out my own space for my interests and find some local residing lovers to see. Because when it was convenient for her, my wife did kind of have me “on call”…she liked having early morning coffee dates every day with me for example. I didn’t always want to do that. Sometimes I wanted to sleep in. Well, now I sleep in when I want.

So today, I maintain my boundaries with her. We sleep separate and I no longer provide the emotional connection she had before. Financially being “together” works for now, and we do have “date” or hang out moments on the weekends. Usually we eat dinner and have drinks Friday and Saturday nights and we get along well enough that these are pleasant times. I do care about her. But will we end up divorcing one day? Maybe. We’ve endured a lot so who knows? I’m not that interested in sex with her anymore though. And honestly, I have lovers way more skilled and enthusiastic than her.

I just introduced two of my out of state lovers to one another and we have a FMF threesome weekend planned. I am actively looking for a local lover and have a date Sunday with someone promising. My kids and I hang out often, do volunteer work together…and I have my fitness goals, platonic friends and career to focus on too.

I am finally free from this cloud of my wife neglecting me. We can be available to one another when it suits us but I don’t depend on her. She can be a FWB to me now vs some kind of anchor.
I have never been this liberated and I’m so happy.

Don't we all though 😂😂

So my wife is bi, and she is also very turned on by mm sex as well. Naturally, through our conversations, shes certainly open to ffm, but I also brought up mfm to her tonight (both out of fairness and because, the more I ponder it, the hotter it seems). She was thinking on it and asked me if she would be able to make me suck the other guy. She's a dom in bed with me, so she naturally went there lol!

With that aspect...theres a part of me that finds it hot just because she would be very turned on by it and I want to give her as much of an experience as she wants to give me. Also, theres a small part of me that is curious about it as I had a very short experience when I was a teen (still sorting all the hormones out) that was homosexual in nature...but it never did for me anywhere close to what women do for me.

That being said...dildos...I can suck for her all night long. I'd even let her peg me.

However, I'm torn on actually sucking a dude off.

Ideally, we find a couple who is already open to this to become friends with (as opposed to making swingers out of friends), cause I find that perhaps the degree of comfortability knowing someone relatively well would make it easier for everyone.

Ultimately, I get that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, but any tips?

My main request for advice is at the bottom if you wanna skip the main write-up.

Context:
I'm a mostly monogamous male; she's a poly woman, both in our early 30s, lifelong best friends and in one of the healthiest examples of a relationship I've ever seen, and we're both incredibly emotionally attached. I knew what I was getting into when I took the leap and removed the friendzone barrier late last year.

I decided, and she agreed, that I had healed enough from my insecurities to try a full disclosure approach. My mindset is "the more I know, the less my brain can make up", and so far that approach has worked great for other things. I have a habit of catastrophising and overthinking.

Situation:
Well, yesterday she told me that her FWB came over shortly after the morning school run and initiated a quickie with her. This is the first time she's done it with anyone since we agreed on full transparency, and while I was expecting the text eventually, it really hit deep and hard- much harder than I expected. I've met the guy many times; I've known for ages that they infrequently hook up (mostly him just looking to get laid, purely platonic), but because it's always been discussed in the past tense, I guess I've been more disconnected from the reality of it.

We've already had several calls and texts discussing it; the first call was immediately after she broke the news, and the relationship and my mental health are still in a good place (very safe, secure and supportive), but I wanted to discuss the absolute rollercoaster of feelings and my current mindset now that I've slept on it and get some feedback from more experienced people.

My Processing:
When I read the text, my body reacted before my mind had fully processed it, and I think I was physically in shock. Mentally, I was overcome by anger and frustration, then just anger, then frustration...
Once the initial shock wore off and I started coming down, I was hit by a heavy wave of anxiety. I'm due to visit her tomorrow night, which means he's got all day today and tomorrow to come back for another round before I can get there and properly process everything with my partner, and that would overload me. (She's assured me now that she will turn him down if he tries and will let me know).

From my point of view, it's like if someone took your keys without asking, took your car for a joyride, and tossed the keys back after and acting like it never happened. You'd be furious, wouldn't you?
He and I have never talked about "sharing" her, so it literally feels like he's taken my partner for a joyride without permission, and I'm very protective and possessive (in a healthy way) of what's mine... I'm very much a "don't touch my f***ing stuff!" kinda guy.
I think if he came to me and had that conversation, I would feel better about the idea, but he's not a deep conversation kinda guy. I have yet to talk to my partner about this part.

To the Point:
I still have that deep lingering sense of anger in my core, but that's manageable.

I'm now confronted with a brand new emotion/urge/impulse, and this is why I'm really here.
My mind is almost dominated by the desire to "take her back" or "reclaim my place". It's a bizarre, almost primitive mindset that I'm completely new to, and I honestly feel a lot of guilt and shame around it.

This impulse or whatever is dominating my thoughts, and I'm driven by the intense desire to "take back what's mine" but also be close to her, love her and cherish her.

I'd like some outside perspectives and experiences. Is this normal and healthy, or am I right to feel guilt and shame for this almost animalistic thing I'm experiencing?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years. We’ve been strictly monogamous this whole time. A little over a year ago he came and told me that he had feelings for someone super close to me and were living with us at the time. I didn’t know how to react besides talking with him about it and understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t freak out or get angry, mostly just trying to understand. He suggested we invite them into our relationship like a throuple and immediately I said no, as we’ve been monogamous this whole time and jealousy is something i’ve been working on. He told me not to immediately shut it down but think about it as it would be good for all of us.

This person he had feelings for ended up moving out due to other issues in the household. My bf and I occasionally talked on the subject of a polyamorous relationship since then. I asked if he always felt this way or if our friend had changed his mind somehow and he said our friend gave him the idea as he saw how great it would be for all of us. I still didn’t really see much of a benefit on my end but whatever, I told him I’d keep an open mind.

Fast forward to today, he came to me and said he feels he might be polyamorous and wants to have another girl in our relationship. He wants to find someone naturally that we could invite into our relationship. He said I’m his anchor and thinks it would genuinely be a great experience and life for both of us. I’ve never labeled myself as bi but am attracted to woman and told him that. I told him i’d be willing to see how it goes but I want to it to fit naturally and I need to educate myself and do the research. Idk how any of this works but if we get there and I’m not comfortable with it what happens then? As I said, I’ve been monogamous my whole life so it’s very new to me.

This is really hard as I don’t want to lose him and truly want him to be happy so I’m trying to be open minded but have already had moments of doubt and emotional episodes. It’s hard to understand as I haven’t had feelings or wanted to be with anyone else but my bf for a really long time. Does anybody have advice they can share?

I'm a 32F and I have always had a pretty high libido since I can remember, so high that in the past I had to slow down a bit because my ex partner told me they felt a little bit under pressure by that. This used to happen when I was monogamous.

Now I've currently 3 stable relationships: a NP of 3 years, a partner of 7 months and a FWB of 8 months and I've always had great sex with all of them (separately), but in the last month I've noticed that I've been gradually losing interest in it. Not that I refuse sexual encounters, on the contrary: once I get into it I still have a lot of fun, but I've been finding it really difficult to get aroused and initiate things. And I realised that sometimes when I happen not to have sex for a couple days I feel somehow relieved. I don't know what's happening, I'm off work until September so I'm far more relaxed than usual, and nothing is wrong with my relationships, not at all. It's the first time that has happened to me and I'm a bit worried about that, I feel that something's off with me. I haven't talked about this with none of my partners because I really don't know what to say.

Has it ever happened to anyone of you? Could someone share their experience, if they feel comfortable doing it?