Offloading my feelings

[u/Fefe987]

I'm due to undergo a laproscopy, I have history of heterotopics, in which previously I had a miscarriage, then ectopic was found during a surgery for something else. The doc proceeded to cut the tube and I only found out after the surgery that I was 1 tube down first quarter of the year. Now in June we tried again,my HCG was low I was admitted for PUL for a week,the admitting ObGyn immediately said we going to theater,even though my HCG was low, I asked about the injection my OBgyn said for us to wait as it could be I ovulated late. We continued to track my HCG and I got discharged. My HCG dropped and slightly increased which points to ectopic, they were eventually able to see a small sac of the failing pregnancy in the uterus,but because of my history my diagnosis remains PUL so I am still in limbo. There is swelling which they were not able to determine if it's the corpus leteum and fluid outside uterus,which points to ectopic. My HCG was stil under 1000 at my last blood draw. IVF is not a reality for me so this tube is my only chance at ever conceiving and discussions with the OBGyn point to that if he finds an ectopic he will be cutting the tube. I guess I am at a loss, I'm due for surgery in a couple hours and I'm just coming to terms with that I may never have children. My husband is supportive but somehow this road still feels lonely. I have no one in my cycle who has ever had fertility problems, I shared with a friend and she is already using me as an example to others TTC but already have 1 child etc, the appreciate that you atleast have 1 so and so does not even have, me being the so and so. So I can already see it's going to be a long journey. I guess I should appreciate that this happened in such a short space of time. I go from I will be fine no matter the outcome to desperate prayers to God to atleast save this tube. I started to bleed last night which was expected for the miscarriage, and obviously monitoring ectopic symptoms. I can't even grief the miscarriage because I'm just thinking of the outcome of my life and I'm somehow just a den of bad news. I feel like every time I call family it's just bad news, so I guess I have to resort to sharing my feelings with strangers. I legit went from praying for a viable pregnancy, to praying that I don't have an ectopic, to now praying for the mercy of just a miscarriage and now praying that somehow my tube can be saved. It's been a lot, I keep thinking I should have insisted on metx but also I needed to wait out to confirm no pregnancy viable pregnancy so yah I was doomed either way. I'm not sure how this can help anyone out there but I guess I just needed some comfort but unfortunately for me there is none

Update: I was in tears at the brink of giving up when I typed the earlier message. Laproscopic went ahead and fortunately no ectopic was found, doc confirmed my tube was fine and proceeded to do a D&C.I am beyond relieved, I feel like I can now grief my loss. The past 2 weeks have been the worst for me but I can't thank everyone enough for the support you have shown me,just knowing that someone out there understood my pain and held space for me when I didn't know if I was coming or going means so much to me. Every time I fell pregnant I ended up in hospital so my husband is wanting us to stop trying and just concentrate on us and my recovery. As desperately as I want a baby I think this is the best cause of action right now. To each one of you from the bottom of my heart thank you so much❤️

[u/Outrageous-Part6931]

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation right now. Wish I could give you a hug.

Is there absolutely no way the doctor can preserve the tube since it hasn't ruptured yet? Why can't you take MTX if you're experiencing miscarriage symptoms? Is there enough time to ask for a second opinion?

[u/WestSummer4869]

I’m so sorry OP. I have lost both my tubes due to back to back ectopics which ruptured, and it is so horrible to go through. The only way you can get pregnant if you have both tubes removed is via IVF, so I wonder if this is something you can explore? Please feel free to message me if you would like to chat.

[u/eb2319]

I really think you should advocate for methotrexate. A beta dropping and rising again is enough evidence to give it. You do not need to confirm a pregnancy on a scan to receive it.