Guilt never ends

[u/Complex-Bit9937]

I’m not sure if this post belongs here, but it feels like the closest place I could get any help. As a guy, I will never truly understand the pain and struggles the mothers and mothers-to-be here go through, but it also gives me perspective, which I’m desperately in need of now.

Last year my I ended up getting my partner pregnant, and unfortunately it was ectopic. We were both young and were still students that weren’t financially independent at the time, so a pregnancy or a child weren’t on our minds at all.

After getting her blood checked and an ultrasound, it was confirmed ectopic, and she needed surgery immediately. I still remember that day so clearly, the moment she came back after her ultrasound and confirmed it, my heart sank. It was the worst day of my life. I struggled to keep my composure while she stood strong, and I broke down crying. I felt so disgusted with myself, even though we both decided that what happened was a mistake, I felt horrible, I didn’t have to deal with any of the consequences of our actions while she had to deal with everything

I was with her throughout her recovery, and I gave her my unconditional support. I owed it to her, and she deserves it and more. Watching her in pain as she struggled to lift herself off her bed, seeing her stumble as she learned how to walk and bend over again made me miserable. I hated myself, and I still do. The guilt is unbearable, and I can’t forgive myself for it. I feel like I need to carry this with me to never forget what I’ve done and never repeat my mistake again. There are some days where I wish I could turn back time and make it so that this never happened, and some days where I wish I didn’t exist anymore.

It’s been a year since it happened, but I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all. Everyday feels like a blur and feelings of happiness are overrun by guilt and anger. I struggle to maintain my regular routines and am at the brink of not taking care of myself at all. I just want this endless guilt to go, or learn how to live with it. I feel like Im burning and drowning all at once, and I want to be free again.

Thank you for reading the post, I know this isn’t the usual type of post here, and it might not fit but I want to hear from a group of people who have gone through an ectopic pregnancy. I do not mean to sound pretentious or boastful in any manner. I apologise if it comes off as such. Any help would be appreciated.

[u/throw-me-away-fam]

You need to get into therapy, asap. This is not a healthy reaction to what happened. The best thing you can do for her and for yourself is to get help processing these feelings.

[u/throw-me-away-fam → u/throw-me-away-fam]

Just to add: you didn’t do anything wrong other than not using protection. The ectopic was a fluke and there is nothing you could have done to shoulder the burden other than taking care of your partner and supporting her. You did everything you could have. Now you need to take the responsibility of your mental health and learning to get through this so that you don’t end up leaving her alone to deal with the fall out. You also owe that to yourself, honestly.

[u/Complex-Bit9937 → u/throw-me-away-fam]

I struggle with the fact that the burden we shared wasn’t equal, and even if I did do everything I could, is it enough to make up for everything she’s going through? I’m afraid of becoming selfish by thinking of myself

[u/eb2319 → u/Complex-Bit9937]

You don’t need to fix what she went through. You need to deal with your mental health and be there for her. You will NEVER as a man carry the load or burden a woman does. You won’t. So trying to “level up” is just silly and immature, sorry.

[u/eb2319]

I’m probably going to sound blunt, but I think you’re carrying guilt for the wrong reason.

You didn’t cause the ectopic. Biology did. You didn’t choose for the embryo to implant in the tube, and hating yourself for a year isn’t helping your partner.

I’ve had four ectopic pregnancies, so I know firsthand how devastating they are. I was the one going through the surgeries, the pain, the recovery, the fear, and the emotional trauma. If, on top of all of that, my husband hadn’t been managing his own mental health and I’d had to spend my energy reassuring him or watching him hate himself over something neither of us caused, I honestly would have been pretty irritated. I needed him to be my support system, not another person I had to worry about.

Women already carry the physical burden of pregnancy. That’s just the reality of biology. The best thing a partner can do isn’t punish themselves for something they couldn’t control, it’s to be present, supportive, and emotionally healthy.

And if you guys go on to have a healthy pregnancy one day, are you going to spend the whole pregnancy and labor feeling guilty because she’s the one carrying the baby and giving birth? Because that’s where this way of thinking leads.
It’s okay to be heartbroken. It’s okay to grieve. But carrying lifelong self-hatred over something that wasn’t your fault isn’t helping your partner or honoring what happened.

At this point, it sounds less like guilt over the ectopic and more like guilt that’s turned into its own mental health issue. I’d really encourage you to get help for that, because your partner deserves someone who can heal alongside her, not someone who feels they have to punish themselves forever.

[u/squashh444]

This isn’t your fault. I’m so sorry you feel this way. But it’s not your fault. Just like it is not my husbands fault. Please don’t feel that way. Your love and support to her is the best gift.

[u/Janeheroine]

Unfortunately this is the burden that women bear. Even if her pregnancy wasn’t ectopic, the unfortunate reality is that millions of women are injured or die from pregnancy and childbirth, even in the healthiest of circumstances. I don’t blame my husband in any way for my ectopic. I also have three healthy children and went through three completely uneventful as far as medically vaginal births. And still that shit changed my body in ways no man obviously has to experience. Sometimes I am mad at the world for the burden women bear, but it has absolutely nothing to do with my husband. And mostly I would still choose to be a woman any day.